Why are Adult Friendships so tricky
Lilian Lee-Cutts
In the course of our adult lives, friendships can shift, drift, and sometimes rupture. In the face of busy, divergent lives and priorities, this is a very natural process, but can be one that causes us confusion, pain, and a great sense of loss. Romantic relationships tend to have a clear beginning, middle, and end and we have the tools from young adulthood to understand the expected transitions. Friendships, however, tend to be more fluid and evolve over time with no set rules of engagement. In addition, each person will have a different perspective on what the friendship means to them, and so it’s no surprise that many people can find themselves struggling with questions like: Why does it feel harder to make friends? Why do I feel disconnected from people I used to feel close to? Is it worth my making an effort in this friendship when I feel I get so little from it? If you have found yourself asking these questions, you are definitely not alone.
As a psychotherapist, I frequently encounter the deep pain that can come with friendship challenges in adulthood. Despite societal norms pointing us towards focusing our efforts on romantic or familial relationships during adulthood, our friendships are equally crucial to our emotional wellbeing. They offer companionship, shared experience, and a vital sense of belonging. And yet, they’re often forgotten about in conversations about our mental health.
So let’s explore how we, as adults, can navigate our friendships with greaterawareness, compassion, and intent.
How to navigate friendships
1. Reflect on your needs
Start by asking yourself: What does friendship mean to me now? What feels nourishing and good? Your needs are most likely very different to what they were five years ago, and it is OK to acknowledge that.
2. Practice clear communication
It’s not always easy, but expressing how you feel - whether it’s hurt at being left out or asking for more time together – will improve the quality of your friendships. Choose a moment when you both feel relaxed enough to be receptive.
3. Embrace flexibility
As life happens around us, some friends can go quiet for months. Babies, burnout - it’s all very real. Whilst this can be confusing or hurtful, a bit of grace and compassion goes a long way and gives the friendship opportunity to evolve to a place of greater understanding and depth.
4. Make the time
Adult friendship isn’t sustained by chance. It’s easy to get wrapped up in life’s demands while time continues passing by. It becomes a necessity to be intentional about making time for your friends. Some ways to do this are by scheduling regular check-ins as you would in work. Dedicate some time out of your busy schedule to call or message a friend as often as you can.
5. Recognise your patterns
Whether you realise it or not, the way you respond to friendships has a lot to do with your attachment style. For example, a person with a secure attachment style is capable of forming nurturing friendships and working through any conflicts that may arise. However, those with more insecure attachment styles may find it harder to let go of friendships that are no longer working and will tend to take any perceived hurt personally.
Final note
We also need to recognise that not all friendships are formed - or maintained - on equal footing.
If you’re LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, disabled, or from a minoritised background, your social landscape may look very different. You may have spent years finding your people, or building a chosen family to replace what blood ties could not offer. Those friendships carry a different kind of emotional weight and often, a depth that comes from shared survival.
Similarly, if you struggle with anxiety, depression, or trauma, then the energy that goes in to maintaining friendships can feel daunting. You might feel the need to disappear for a while, or struggle to reply to messages. That doesn’t make you a bad friend, it makes you human and in need of a self compassion practice.
If you are finding adult friendships difficult, and want to speak to Lili: info@counselingperspective.comο»Ώ
“Girl, if you have five real friends after 60, you’ve made some good choices.” said this voice full of wisdom. I remember that taxi ride very clearly. At that moment, I chuckled and started counting my “close” friends using my fingers, toes and maybe even a few rounds in. That sentence stuck with me for over 20 years. I knew deep down someday I will have to recollect that moment. Friendship is beautiful. It is also layered, unpredictable and at times, bittersweet. It grows, withers, surprises us, quietly fades away and sometimes comes back in new form. This is especially true as we transition through life, careers, motherhood, healing and reinvention, our social circles shift with us. Who you needed yesterday may not be who you need today. If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering “Where did everyone go?” or “Why do I feel closer to someone I just met than people I’ve known for years?”, you are not alone. You’re just evolving. And evolution rarely leaves your social circle untouched. What Is Friendship, Really? By definition, friendship is “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.” But let’s be real, that doesn’t capture the heart of it. To me, friendship is… A soul who supports you without judgement. A person who calls you out with love and cheers you on even louder. Someone who holds space for your becoming. So I’ll ask you, what’s your definition of friendship? Take a breath. Feel into it. You might find your answer has changed. That’s not wrong. It is honest. There’s no shame in evolving, only alignment with your present truth. When You Change, So Do Your Friendships This part can feel tender: when your inner world shifts, your outer circle often reflects that. Some friends will rise with you and celebrate your growth. Some surprise you by meeting you right where you are. Some will resist your change. And some will quietly fade. It’s not about fault; it’s about alignment. That friend who used to be your late-night rant partner might not be your 6 AM hike buddy. And the colleague who didn’t really “get you” five years ago? He / She might be your biggest fan now. Change is inevitable. Clinging to what was can hold you back from what’s possible. What Role Does Energy Play in Friendship? In the Energy Leadership™ framework , we recognize 7 levels of energy. Each representing a way of thinking, feeling and showing up in the world. These levels can also show us how we relate to our friends especially when change enters the picture. Let’s explore: β« Level 1: Victim Energy "No one understands me anymore." This is where disconnection and self-doubt live. You may retreat or feel abandoned. Friendships can feel draining when this is the dominant lens. π΄ Level 2: Conflict Energy "They don’t support me like I support them." Resentments build. You may find yourself judging, comparing or feeling the urge to prove yourself. Friendships become power plays instead of safe spaces. π Level 3: Coping Energy "It’s fine. I’ll just adjust to keep the peace." This is the friend who avoids conflict and over-accommodates. It looks harmonious on the outside but often sacrifices authenticity for the sake of connection. π‘ Level 4: Service Energy "How can I support you through your change?" Here, friendships are built on empathy and care. This friend holds space for your becoming, even if it’s different from their own. π’ Level 5: Opportunity Energy "What if this shift brings us closer or introduces new aligned people?" There’s curiosity and collaboration here. You start to see that every change in a friendship opens doors for deeper alignment or necessary redirection. π΅ Level 6: Flow Energy "I trust the right people will rise with me." At this level, friendships feel effortless, expansive and aligned with your highest values. There’s no grasping, just grace. βͺ Level 7: Oneness Energy "There’s no separation between giving and receiving love." This is pure connection. Friendships here are soul-level, transcending ego or expectation. Rare, but powerful when experienced. So How Do You Navigate Friendship During Change? Transitions will test your relationships but they’ll also reveal your energetic patterns. Here’s how to move forward consciously: β
Get curious, not judgmental – Notice how you're showing up (what level of energy), and how others are too. β
Honor mismatches without blame – Some friendships fade. That doesn’t mean they failed. It means the alignment shifted. β
Invite new energy – Stay open to friends who match where you are now, not just where you’ve been. β
Say thank you loudly or silently – To the ones who stayed. To the ones who couldn’t. To yourself. β
Be the kind of energy you want to attract – Every friendship is a mirror. What are you reflecting? Final Thought: You’re Allowed to Outgrow People Outgrowing isn’t betrayal. It’s evolution. You’re allowed to choose friendships that nourish the version of you you’re becoming not just the one you have been. Celebrate this evolution. So go ahead, count your friends on fingers, toes, even add a few imaginary rounds. But more importantly, ask yourself: Are these people reflections of the life I want to live? Because that’s the circle worth nurturing. ο»Ώ If you want to explore coaching with Praveen, get in touch with us: info@counselingperspective.com
What does it mean to truly know who you are? During Pride Month, we celebrate the beauty of diverse identities and the courage it takes to live authentically. But beyond the labels and roles, there is a deeper essence waiting to be seen—a core self that exists beneath the surface. At Elemental Wellness, we believe that reconnecting with this essence is both a sacred and scientific journey. And breath is the bridge. The Breath: A Portal to the Subconscious Yin Breathwork, rooted in Leonard Orr’s Rebirthing Breathwork, offers a gentle yet profound way to access inner truth: not through thinking, but through feeling and presence. This form of conscious, connected breathing helps shift our awareness from the everyday, thinking mind (conscious) to the deeper, quieter terrain of the subconscious. Why does this matter? Because the subconscious holds the stories, emotional imprints, and beliefs we’ve absorbed, often unconsciously, from culture, family, and lived experience. These inner patterns shape how we see ourselves and how freely we live out our identities. Through slow, circular breath, Yin Breathwork helps bypass habitual thought loops and opens the door to neuroplasticity: the brain’s natural ability to rewire. When we breathe with intention and softness, we create a relaxed yet alert state, similar to light meditation or REM sleep, where old emotional imprints can surface and be gently released. Science Meets Soul: The Nervous System and Breath From a physiological perspective, breath is one of the few automatic functions we can consciously control. When we slow and deepen our breathing, we signal safety to the brain through the vagus nerve, activating the parasympathetic nervous system, our body’s natural state of rest and repair. This matters deeply for identity work. If we've lived in fight-or-flight, bracing against judgment, discrimination, or internalized shame, our nervous system may associate authenticity with risk. But breath offers another way. It teaches the body that it is safe to soften, to open, to be seen. Over time, regular Yin Breathwork can help regulate the nervous system, reduce anxiety, and increase emotional resilience. It becomes a quiet revolution within: an unlearning of fear and a return to inner freedom. Identity: A Living, Breathing Process We often think of identity as something to define or declare. But what if identity is not fixed, but fluid? What if it’s something we remember , layer by layer, breath by breath? In a Yin Breathwork session, there is no need to force answers. We simply lie back and breathe, allowing what wants to emerge to rise. The experience can feel meditative, emotional, or quietly powerful. As tension releases from the body, insight often follows about who we are beneath the roles, the expectations, the old stories. Rather than striving for authenticity, we relax into it . This isn’t a quick fix. It’s a return to the self—a remembering of what has always been there. And in that remembering, healing happens Pride as a Return to Wholeness Whether you're navigating your gender, sexuality, cultural heritage, or your evolving sense of self, Yin Breathwork offers a sanctuary—a space to return to your body and your truth. There’s no performance. No pressure. Just breath. Just presence. Just you. This Pride, instead of stepping out, we invite you to step in. To soften. To listen. To discover who you are beneath the noise gently, fully, and unapologetically. Yin Breathwork isn’t about changing yourself; it’s about remembering who you’ve always been. Join us for a Yin Breathwork session and reconnect with who you truly are. For booking: info@counselingperspective.com
Adolescence is a time of profound self-discovery: teens experiment with interests, values, friendships, and personal style as they build their emerging identities. Yet in today’s hyperconnected world, much of that identity work happens on screens. Rather than exploring who they are through face-to-face interaction, teens now look to social-media feeds, influencers, and online communities to test different selves. Every “like”, filter, and “follow” becomes a data point that algorithms use to mirror back a curated version of the self. This digital reflection can empower creativity and connection, but it can also distort self-worth, foster comparison, and lock teens into narrow, algorithm-driven identities. In fact, a 2024 Mozilla study1 found TikTok locks in on a user’s niche within 40 minutes, after which 80% of videos reinforce that same theme, even if the user stops engaging. Over time, teens learn to judge their worth by these algorithmic reflections, embedding a fragile, externally dictated self-image. Why Teenage Years Are Crucial for Identity Formation During adolescence, the brain undergoes a dramatic reorganization. The limbic system, which governs emotions and reward processing, matures rapidly around puberty, making teens especially sensitive to social feedback and novelty. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, planning, and reflection, continues developing into the mid-twenties. This imbalance creates a window where emotional drives often outweigh rational oversight. Simultaneously, the brain undergoes synaptic pruning and myelination, strengthening neural pathways through repeated behaviors. Online, every click, like, or share provides immediate emotional payoff and simultaneously reinforces circuits that link identity to digital validation loops. This makes adolescence a uniquely malleable, and vulnerable, time for forming a lifelong sense of self. A World Where Identity Is Always “On” and the Pressure of Perfection A January 2025 CNA–Institute of Policy Studies survey2 found Singaporean teens spend an average of 8.5 hours per day on screens, more time than they devote to school or sleep. Globally, 46% of U.S. adolescents report being online “almost constantly,” and 60% feel pressured to present an idealized self for likes and followers3. In this nonstop digital stage, every scroll, post, and reaction wires directly into the neurons shaping a teen’s self-concept. Physical appearance is central to many teens’ identities, and social feeds are flooded with airbrushed ideals. Internal Meta research4 leaked in 2021 revealed 32% of teen girls said Instagram made them feel worse about their bodies. Add to that nighttime scrolling, KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital (2024)5 found each extra hour of screen use after 10 p.m. raises next-day mood-swing odds by 21%. A sleep-deprived brain struggles with memory consolidation and self-reflection, processes vital for a coherent self-image, rendering teens more vulnerable to comparison and self-critique. Algorithms can also amplify harmful behaviors as identity expressions. In the Center for Countering Digital Hate’s Deadly by Design (2022) report6, new teen TikTok accounts encountered self-harm content within 2.6 minutes, and after 30 minutes, one in three videos promoted self-injury or suicideβ. Likewise, a December 2024 CCDH study7 of YouTube recommendations found one-third of suggested videos contained harmful eating-disorder content, and 81% were not age-restricted. These loops trap vulnerable teens in a damage-defined identity, where pain and deprivation become badges of belonging. Community and Exploration It’s not all negative. Digital spaces can offer critical support for identity exploration, particularly for teens who feel marginalized offline. Online communities around neurodiversity, LGBTQIA+ experiences, or niche interests allow adolescents to test labels, find peers, and receive affirmation they might lack in real life. For example, transition narratives on TikTok help gender-questioning youth learn terminology, access resources, and spot role models. When stories of gender euphoria, the joy and comfort of affirmed identity, are shared online, some teens gain the language and confidence to live authentically. The key is ensuring these affirming narratives support rather than prescribe any one pathway. Autonomy Under Threat A stable identity requires privacy and agency over one’s own story. Yet Europol’s EU-SOCTA 2025 report8 highlights a 1,400% surge in AI-generated nude images of minors as deepfake tools proliferate. In response, schools in Europe and North America now run “deepfake drills” to teach students how to spot synthetic abuse and report incidents. Simultaneously, every tap and like is harvested as data capital: TikTok was fined €345 million in 20239 for mishandling under-16 data , and by age 13, the average U.S. teen accumulates 72 million data points that shape ads, credit offers, and even college recruitment. These incursions can leave teens feeling exposed, monitored, and reduced to a data profile, undermining self-determination. Building Resilient Identities Parents can’t, and shouldn’t, unplug technology. Instead, we can transform digital pressures into opportunities for intentional identity work using the these tips: 1. Presence: Weekly 5-minute Tech Tours where teens guide parents through their favorite apps, validating interests and spotting harmful patterns together. 2. Educate: explain algospeak and data harvesting, teaching teens they’re authors of their digital profiles, not products of them. 3. Agreements: Co-create a Family Tech Charter with mutually agreed limits (e.g., bedtime Downtime, screen-free zones) to bolster self-regulation. 4. Role-model: Demonstrate healthy detachment, charge devices outside bedrooms and share your own Screen Time stats openly. 5. Support and Boundaries: Bookmark crisis lines (SOS: +65 7672 4357; IMH helpline: 6389 2222) and enable in-app filters to safeguard mental health. 6. Alternatives: Encourage one daily offline “dopamine” activities (like sports, music, volunteering) to anchor identity beyond screens. The Takeaway: Authentic Selfhood in a Digital Age Technology can accelerate identity exploration and foster creative communities, but without guidance, it can also narrow, distort, and commodify self-concept. By weaving together clinical insight, data-driven understanding, and collaborative strategies, parents can guide teens toward authentic, resilient identities, both online and off. References 1 Mozilla Foundation. “TikTok: Unpacking Algorithmic Personalization.” Mozilla Research , April 2024. https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/research/tiktok-algorithmic-personalization-study/ 2 CNA & Institute of Policy Studies. “Singapore teenagers spend nearly 8.5 hours per day on screens.” Channel News Asia , January 2025. https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/screen-time-devices-survey-teens-spend-daily-stress-490828 3 Pew Research Center. “Teens, Social Media & Technology 2023.” Pew Research Center , October 2023. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/10/25/teens-social-media-technology-2023/ 4 The Wall Street Journal. “Facebook Knows Instagram Is Toxic for Teen Girls, Company Documents Show.” September 2021. https://www.wsj.com/articles/facebook-knows-instagram-is-toxic-for-teen-girls-company-documents-show-11631620739 5 KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital. “Screen Use and Sleep Patterns in Adolescents.” Journal of Pediatric Sleep , March 2024. https://www.kkh.com.sg/health-information/child-screen-time-sleep-study 6 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). Deadly by Design . December 2022. https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/CCDH-Deadly-by-Design_120922.pdf 7 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). YouTube’s Anorexia Algorithm: Key Findings . November 2024. https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/CCDH.YoutubeED.Nov24.Report_FINAL.pdf 8 Europol. European Serious and Organised Crime Threat Assessment (EU-SOCTA) 2025 . March 2025. https://www.europol.europa.eu/activities-services/main-reports/eu-socta-2025 9 Irish Data Protection Commission. “TikTok Fined €345 Million for Breaching GDPR.” DPC News , September 2023. https://www.dataprotection.ie/en/news-media/tiktok-gdpr-345m-fine
