How to Survive Separation and Divorce

Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD



A great percentage of my work as a counsellor is with women who are going through the early or late stages of separation from their long-time partner. Whether these women are Asian or Western, the predicament can be extremely challenging when they are trying to balance the practical side of surviving day-to-day with the emotional train wreck that surrounds them.


It's often the case that these women are just finding out that their husbands have had an affair. Others are finding out that their husbands have had multiple affairs over the entire marriage, and that his apparent detachment or withdrawal from emotional intimacy is because he actually doesn't know how to be intimate. Whether he is a sex addict or suffering from low self-esteem or attachment issues that disallow him to trust in intimate relationships, the problem is still mind-numbing for the spouse. Her first dilemma is to try and understand which part of her marriage was real. The second challenge is to decipher the new verbiage, to decide how much of it she can trust.


In the middle of this is the day-to-day (minute-to-minute) responsibility that comes with being a mother. In the scenarios described above, it's likely that she has been doing the bulk of the childrearing and household management and so she would feel the full weight of the burden of "What do I do next, for us all?"


If this is resonating with you, and you have family and friends within reach, you need to tap into them now.


If you don't have family and just a handful of new friends, find the balance between sharing and getting advice so as to not overburden your few resources. Getting counseling, legal advice and calling your family will help. Holding onto a brave front is a common response but it's not likely to be sustainable. If that's the plan, at least get the counselling and legal advice as well.


Think of yourself as the drill sergeant, whose task is to arm the new soldier (you) for their first battle. They are going to need physical stamina, strength, a cool head, wisdom and good backup support. At no point can their fear overtake them, so build their resources well.


When looking at maintaining physical stamina, sleeping and eating are usually the first things to suffer.


If you are not sleeping well, then try meditation, yoga, exercise, proper diet, and counseling to manage the racing thoughts. Make sure you are eating three healthy meals a day. If you are having loss of appetite, eat smaller portions throughout the day.


Keeping a cool head is helpful in the long run. There are plenty of books that will help a woman know that what she is feeling is normal. After the Affair by Janice Abrahms Spring is one. A cool head will make your partner realise they are dealing with a rational soldier and not an emotionally vulnerable new recruit who can easily be manipulated again. Many men will use the "hot-headed wife" response as an excuse to continue acting out or to justify their past actions. Having a third party present for the discussions can keep them "real" so that the old manipulative ways are not as easy to use any more and both parties can begin an honest dialogue.


Wisdom comes in two forms:


The first is having wisdom about the choices you have made. Yes you can have regrets and wonder why you accepted the unhealthy dynamic all these years but that is less important at these early stages of separation than making healthy decisions and setting new and solid boundaries.


The second and more immediate aspect of wisdom comes from getting informed on your emotional rights, for example, the right to self-respect, as well as your legal rights such as whether you can leave the country with your children. Knowing your rights will give you the chance to make a solid game plan and help you respond, rather than react.


Back up comes in the form of friends, mentors, family, therapy, meditation or exercising your spirituality. The backup helps you go through this process and more importantly usually allows you to process all of the confusing and ever changing thoughts and emotions, out loud.


The kind of questions I hear the most in my practice are as follows:


  • What am I supposed to do now? My friends are getting tired of my complaints and my lack of action in following their advice. It's like I'm frozen in time. This is the part where I mentioned to not wear out your resources. Share and listen but don't unload it all on your friends and family. Manage your anxiety, so you don't debilitate your resources. You need their support but in the end only you can make that final decision.


  • How do I handle my current co-parenting needs? And who is going to fix the light bulbs? Why do I miss him? This can be especially scary when this all came as a complete surprise. The person whom you have relied upon and once considered your best friend and partner has changed to such an extent that you feel you don't even know him anymore. Having a third party focusing the dialogue on honesty and openness and change is the most likely method of getting those necessary assurances and safety so that you can give a clear-headed response.


  • How do I forgive myself? What's wrong with me? Stuck in the regret of having made a bad decision. Disbelief/denial. These are actually stages of grieving. Regardless of what happens to the relationship, you will need to grieve the loss of your ideal of the marriage, life and man you once knew as it will never be the same as it was. This doesn't mean that a marriage cannot be rebuilt. In fact, rebuilding is part of a later stage of grieving, so let yourself grieve the losses first. While it may be many counsellors' philosophy to hold on to hope in a rebuilding of the relationship, as long as the client has hope, your focus should still be on your own stabilisation at this point.


  • What and when do I tell the kids? Children like to know what's going on. What to expect? I recommend telling them what to expect, with each major transition, i.e. Daddy's moving to another house. He will still be seeing you on Saturdays after soccer but he won't be home as much during school nights. When you know the relationship is over, it's best if you can both tell the child what to expect and assure them that the love for them has not changed. It is helpful to even create a calendar they can see and be consistent with it.


  • When do I begin looking for a new partner? Garth Brooks sang, "Learning to live again is killing me" and it's for this reason, that from a psychological and emotional perspective I always encourage my clients to hold off on rushing into something new until they have figured out what went wrong in the last relationship. Just because he left or betrayed you doesn't mean that there was not a breakdown in the dynamic between you both, which means you may have some issues to work through. This might be especially the case with women who are completely "surprised" by their husband's affair and when they felt they were "best friends and there was no chance of this happening". Then I have them question the real intimacy in that relationship. What was the intimacy based on? Were they talking openly and deeply? Were they still making love? Were they still aware of subtle changes in their partner's life? How did they miss all that? From that point on, their individual work is about grieving and looking inward for change.


Don't rush towards rebound. Take your time to get through the wreckage piece by piece. Give yourself time to accept and grieve. With each exhale you are moving closer to a new life and new possibilities.


Our therapists are available to help you should you need any advice or someone to talk to. Contact us to make an appointment.


About the Author: Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

By Bernardette Yzelman 02 May, 2024
Anxiety in children can manifest in various ways, and more often than not, a child might not have the language to communicate what they are experiencing. Signs of anxiety in children can take the form of: Physical : Complaints of headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, muscle tension, trembling, or other physical discomforts without any underlying medical cause. Emotional : Heightened emotions such as irritability, moodiness, or frequent crying. Behavioral: Changes in behavior such as increased or recently developed avoidance of certain situations or activities, increased clinginess to caregivers, or becoming withdrawn from social interactions. Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares. Academic Challenges : Difficulties with staying focused which impacts their studies or a fear of going to school altogether. Just as we coach our children to take their first step, parents and caregivers are their children's first role models in how to respond to the stressors in our lives. While everyone's situation is unique, there are some things that all of us can do to be better coaches for our children who are dealing with anxiety! Create a Supportive Environment : Encourage your child to express their feelings and fears openly. Listen attentively and validate their emotions without judgment. Talk to them about when worry and fear, can be helpful or unhelpful. Let them know that it is okay to feel anxious and that you will support them through it. Model Healthy Coping Strategies : Teach your child simple relaxation techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing (breathing in through the nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven counts, and breathing out for eight counts). For little ones, blowing bubbles or having them imagine that they are blowing bubbles can be a fun alternative. Another technique is to ground your senses in the present moment by acknowledging five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and, one thing you can taste. If keeping count is difficult or distracting, you can get them to name as many things as they can see/hear/smell/touch. Children often learn by example, so let your child witness you practicing these techniques to manage anxiety in your own life. Establish Routines : Creating regular routines for meals, bedtime, and daily activities, provides a sense of stability and security. Encourage Independence : Avoidance perpetuates the cycle of anxiety. Where possible, encourage your child to gradually face their anxieties and develop independence. Help them build resilience by praising their efforts and successes, no matter how small.  If your child's anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, or perhaps, you're struggling to cope with your own anxiety and supporting your child concurrently, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A counsellor or therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your unique needs and circumstances. Parenting is a journey, and we all experience stumbles along the way. Be patient with yourself and your child, and celebrate the progress you make together!
By Jeannette Qhek 26 Apr, 2024
Are you frequently fatigued in the morning, even after getting ample hours of sleep at night? While it can be a frustrating situation, there may be a simple explanation: you might be having poor sleep quality. Poor sleep quality can lead to a variety of health problems, including weight gain, depression, and heart disease. Identifying the reasons for insufficient sleep is straightforward, but determining why our sleep isn’t restful is often trickier. Nonetheless, it is still possible to do so. This article explores the importance of sleep quality, potential causes of poor sleep, and offers strategies to enhance your sleep quality. Why is Sleep Quality Important? During sleep, the body undergoes important physiological processes that are necessary for various functions such as cognitive functioning, immune function, and physical health. Here are a few reasons why sleep quality is important: 1. Allow Our Bodies to Repair and Restore When we sleep, our bodies release hormones that promote tissue growth and repair, as well as regulate our metabolism and immune system. This means that if we don't get good quality sleep, our bodies may not be able to repair themselves properly, leaving us vulnerable to a variety of physical health issues. 2. Keep Our Mental Health in Check Studies have shown that poor sleep quality is associated with a higher risk of depression and anxiety. Individuals with poor sleep quality were more likely to experience negative emotions and less likely to experience positive emotions the following day [1]. With poor sleep quality, we may also feel irritable, moody, and find it difficult to concentrate, which can negatively impact our overall wellbeing and productivity. 3. Maintain a Healthy Weight When we don't get enough quality sleep, our bodies produce more of the hormone ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, and less of the hormone leptin, which tells our bodies that we are full. This can lead to overeating and weight gain. What Could be Causing Your Poor Sleep? Several factors may contribute to poor sleep quality, including: Stress: High levels of stress can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. Poor Sleep Habits: Irregular sleep schedules, excessive caffeine or alcohol consumption, and using electronic devices before bedtime can all interfere with sleep. Environmental Factors: Noise, light, and temperature can all affect sleep quality. Not everyone has the luxury of getting a good night's sleep. Sleep disorders like insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome can further impair sleep quality. If you are having trouble sleeping, speak with your healthcare provider to identify any underlying conditions and determine the best course of treatment. How to Improve Your Sleep Quality? The good news is that enhancing the quality of our sleep might be as simple as improving our sleep hygiene. Similar to maintaining dental hygiene by regularly brushing and flossing, we can improve our sleep hygiene by adopting these few ideas: 1. Regular Sleep Schedule One way is to establish a regular sleep schedule, which means going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Individuals who maintained a consistent sleep schedule had better cognitive performance and were less likely to experience mood disturbances compared to those with an irregular sleep schedule [2]. 2. Sleep-friendly Environment Creating a sleep-friendly environment entails keeping our bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. This can help minimise distractions and make it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. 3. Relaxing Bedtime Routine Heard of the 3-2-1 technique for better sleep? It is an effective method that can help you to wind down and get ready for sleep. Here are the steps: 3 - Wind Down: Spend 3 minutes winding down before bedtime by engaging in a calming activity, such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or practising relaxation techniques like deep breathing or gentle stretching. 2 - Unplug: Spend 2 minutes unplugging from electronic devices, such as phones, laptops, and tablets. The blue light emitted by these devices can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep. 1 - Visualise: Spend 1 minute visualising yourself in a peaceful and comfortable sleeping environment. Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and comfortable, sinking deeper and deeper into a peaceful sleep. Let’s not forget that when it comes to our overall health and wellbeing, good sleep quality is just as important as getting enough sleep. By establishing healthy sleep habits, such as maintaining a regular sleep schedule, creating a relaxing bedtime routine, and a sleep-friendly environment, we can improve the quality of our sleep and reap the benefits of a good night's rest! About the Writer Jeannette Qhek is a dedicated Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Counselling Perspective , where she guides individuals towards mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, she serves as the Wellbeing Strategy Lead and Trainer at Actxa Wellness , curating and delivering science-backed wellness curriculum and wellbeing programs/ workshops for corporations. As the founder of Chill By Nette , a wellness space in Singapore, she offers trauma-informed counselling services and enriching wellness workshops. With more than 6 years of experience in the corporate wellness industry and a deep passion for individual well-being, she hopes to make psychological concepts and wellness research knowledge more accessible, relatable and fun to the public Connect more with Jeannette Qhek and book a session here . References [1] Mauss, I. B., Troy, A. S., & LeBourgeois, M. K. (2013). Poorer sleep quality is associated with lower emotion-regulation ability in a laboratory paradigm. Cognition & emotion , 27(3), 567–576. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2012.727783 [2] Alhola, P., & Polo-Kantola, P. (2007). Sleep deprivation: Impact on cognitive performance. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment , 3(5), 553–567. 
By Claudia Correia 26 Apr, 2024
Eating habits and preferences can vary widely across individuals, and this is especially true for those on the autism spectrum. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication, social interaction, and behaviour. It is characterized by a wide range of symptoms and behaviours, which can include difficulties with sensory processing, repetitive behaviours, and challenges with communication and social interaction. In recent years, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of adopting an affirming approach to eating for individuals with autism. This approach recognizes that people on the autism spectrum may have unique needs and preferences when it comes to food and eating, and that these needs should be respected and accommodated. About 90% of parents report to have feeding difficulties and 70% of Autistic children have atypical eating behaviours such as: · Selective eating · Strong food preferences · Rapid or slow eating · Lack of interested in eating · Loss of control while eating · Pocketing food in month This happens due to sensory processing difficulties; cognitive rigidity; social communication differences and/or poor executive function. Medications may also affect appetite and food intake. Also, some autistic individuals might experience interoceptive confusion, which means that they have difficulty to connect sense of hunger and/or satiety and fullness feeling and meal times. SO WHAT TO DO? Lower your expectations. Understand the challenges that your child goes through because of autism. Any force-feeding might lead to food trauma, sensory trauma (when forced to be in overwhelming environments) or traumatic childhood experiences. Accept that your neurodivergent child refusal to eat in a way that is accepted by society (neuronormative) is not because he/she is manipulative, maladapted. WHAT NOT TO DO? Don’t expect neuronormative family feeding practices to work on your child. It will only increase frustration and stress in your family. Don’t force feed your child – whether neurotypical or not. Don’t routinely reprimanded your child for authentic neurodivergent behaviours at table (rocking, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, clumsiness when using cutlery, problems swallowing food). Understand what are the coping mechanisms that your child uses to overcome the sensory overload that he/she is constantly facing. Look for strategies that will support this rather than persuading masking. NEUROAFFIRMING STRATEGIES Here are some tips – remember to use them if makes sense for your child. Discuss these with your healthcare professional and dietitian. · Set alarms to eat; · Use body doubling – eat with a friend, family member to support intake; · Change the size and timing of meals if needed to help with satiation experience; · While preference to eat might change, consider some of these (alert – can be very different from neuronormative “normal” feeding goals): o Quieter eating environment o Dimmable light o Avoid music or use a preferable music o Eat alone or use headphones when not possible o Eat in venues at times of the day that are less busy o Eat standing, walking, while laying down. Allow them to choose what works best to facilitate a pleasant eating experience o Eat which a distraction – sensory toys, iPad o Change textures of foods to match their preferences/unique sensory profile. If you are concerned about the variety of foods consumed, check with a dietitian that can support you. BE AWARE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE MORE PRESENT IN DIVERDIVERGENT INDIVIDUALS Eating disorders affect more neurodivergent individuals than neurotypicals. Here is some data: · In a study find our that 30% women seeking weight loss treatment were ADHD. Also, de dopamine de-regulation might lead to impulsivity and emotional distress that can increase the odds of loss of control while eating and binge eating. · 20-37% of individuals with anorexia nervosa are also autistic. · ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) accounts for 22.5% childhood eating disorders. 21% of ARFID patients are autistic. It affects only 0.3% of general population. If at any point you find that your child is developing an eating disorder or at risk, talk with your healthcare team. References: Cobbaert, L. & Rose, A. (2023). Eating Disorders and Neurodivergence: A Stepped Care Approach.
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