Why ending a toxic relationship is easier said than done

Esther Oon-Bybjerg

It’s a universally known adage that relationships are hard work, conflicts are normal and rough patches are par for the course. While it is true every relationship goes through highs and lows, these platitudes can cause one to turn a blind eye to red flags in their love life, particularly those indicative of a toxic relationship.

 

In recent years, I often encounter clients who, despite feeling anguished, lonely, undervalued in their relationships, choose to stay with their abusive or neglectful partner. Many have also turned away from unwavering support and well-intended advice from caring friends and family who tell them that they deserve better and that they should just get out of the relationship. It is however easier said than done for those who find themselves caught in such a dilemma.

 

What does a toxic relationship look like?

Being in a toxic relationship is sometimes hard to recognise since the abuse can be slow and subtle in nature (King, 2018). It is never about an isolated episode, but the cumulative effect of persistent criticism, contempt, intimidation, manipulation and other forms of abuse. Such relationships are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically damaging and draining. Those in a toxic relationship tend to find themselves constantly walking on eggshells for fear of triggering their partner, making excuses to justify the abusive partner’s behaviours, frequently taking the fall or apologising for things that are not their fault, withdrawing socially and so on. Such relationship stress often gives rise to chronic feelings such as a sense of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, helplessness.

 

So why is it that such pain, exhaustion, frustration and anguish are not enough to make one decide to cut the cord and move on? What is it about toxic relationships that makes them difficult, or even seemingly impossible to end?

 

Apart from the obvious practical reasons such as financial and/or parenting considerations, there are also some deeper psychological factors that explain why leaving is easier said than done.

 

1. Low self esteem

Research has shown that people with low self-esteem are more susceptible to toxic relationships because of their core beliefs and perception about themselves. If one believes that they are not good or worthy enough, they are more likely to have lower expectations and tend to get involved with a partner who perpetuates their beliefs. In fact, those who have low self-worth are more likely to stay in a toxic relationship because they believe that they cannot do any better (Luciano & Orth, 2017). They also tend to display more people-pleasing tendencies and are more hesitant to stand up for themselves or set boundaries when they are treated badly. It is also important to note that the more they stay in a toxic relationship, the further their self-esteem erodes, creating a vicious cycle, making it increasingly difficult to leave.

 

 

2. Addicted to the lure of intermittent reinforcement

In a toxic relationship, the abused is regularly subjected to consistent bouts of cruel, callous, and abusive treatment with a few occasional and unpredictable displays of extreme affection and rewards. These are known as intermittent reinforcement tactics that the abusive partner uses to manipulate or control, and can include sending apology notes and flowers after a silent treatment or giving extravagant gifts with promises to change after a series of brutal verbal attacks.

 

Intermittent reinforcement tactics keep people stuck and unable to break free because they are linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with addiction (Carnes & Phillips, 2019). Research has shown that unpredictable relationships are particularly dopamine-inducing. Intermittent reinforcement used the abusive partner feeds into our dopamine system because dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule, rather than predictably. Their abusive partner’s unreliability and inconsistency make them crave for the rewards, often doing everything they can to get it in order to get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle.

 

When one is living the abuse cycle, it is exceptionally hard to break out of it. People often fall into the trap of seeing the abuser’s sporadic acts of empathy and affection as positive traits, causing them to find excuses to justify the partner’s abuse or neglect. They also derive hope from these random “positive” acts, believing that their relationships will get better, and they get sucked back in until another cycle of abuse hits again. 


3. Fear of being single

The fear of being single is another factor that makes one rather tolerate or stay in a toxic relationship than to be single. Researchers (Spielmann et al., 2013) discovered that during relationship initiation and maintenance, those who have anxieties about being single may prioritize relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying. In fact, the fear of being single can be so overwhelming that one would rather be with a “wrong somebody” than be with nobody.

 

4.Sunk Cost effect

Another reason that makes it compelling for people to stay in unhappy relationships is the sunk cost fallacy. Studies have shown that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have invested time, money and effort. This underlines the sunk cost effect which “occurs when a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite it not being the best decision." (Rego et al., 2018). This suggests that people stay in unsatisfying relationships despite all their pain and suffering because they don’t want to feel their effort, time or money go to waste.

 

5. Pro-sociality inclination 

The decision to end a romantic relationship, even an unhealthy one, can have a life-changing impact on the partner as well as the self. Recent research has shed light on how altruism is one of the considerations that can hamper one’s decision to leave their abusive partner. In other words, when people make decisions that impact others, they take those others’ feelings and perspectives into consideration.

 

The research by Impett & Spielmann (2018) which studied 1,800 people showed that when one is deciding whether to end a relationship or not, they consider not only their own desires, but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue. In fact, the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate their breakup. This offers an explanation as to why it is not as straightforward to end the toxic relationship as much as they know it is the right thing to do.

 

What can be done?

The recognition and acknowledgement of a toxic relationship and the reasons that keep one stuck in it is just the first step to finding a resolution to the predicament. Aptly put by Carolyn Gamble, motivational speaker and expert on toxic relationships, “Love should never cost you your peace, It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. If there’s more negative in your situation than positive, something has to change.”

 

Thankfully, taking action does not have to be a solo task. The next step could involve seeking help from relationship-trained therapists to help one explore their innermost fears and ambivalence; open their mind to new perspectives, enable them to regain self esteem and empower them to access choices as well as to make decisions that are aligned with their life values.

 

 

 

 

 

References

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

 

Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824. 

 

King, J. (2018). Too Good to go, Too Bad to Stay: Five Steps to Finding Freedom From a Toxic Relationship. Morgan James Publishing.

 

Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112,307-328

 

Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. (2018) Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519 


Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. 

Navigating Anxiety in Children

By Bernardette Yzelman • 02 May, 2024
Anxiety in children can manifest in various ways, and more often than not, a child might not have the language to communicate what they are experiencing. Signs of anxiety in children can take the form of: Physical : Complaints of headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, muscle tension, trembling, or other physical discomforts without any underlying medical cause. Emotional : Heightened emotions such as irritability, moodiness, or frequent crying. Behavioral: Changes in behavior such as increased or recently developed avoidance of certain situations or activities, increased clinginess to caregivers, or becoming withdrawn from social interactions. Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares. Academic Challenges : Difficulties with staying focused which impacts their studies or a fear of going to school altogether. Just as we coach our children to take their first step, parents and caregivers are their children's first role models in how to respond to the stressors in our lives. While everyone's situation is unique, there are some things that all of us can do to be better coaches for our children who are dealing with anxiety! Create a Supportive Environment : Encourage your child to express their feelings and fears openly. Listen attentively and validate their emotions without judgment. Talk to them about when worry and fear, can be helpful or unhelpful. Let them know that it is okay to feel anxious and that you will support them through it. Model Healthy Coping Strategies : Teach your child simple relaxation techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing (breathing in through the nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven counts, and breathing out for eight counts). For little ones, blowing bubbles or having them imagine that they are blowing bubbles can be a fun alternative. Another technique is to ground your senses in the present moment by acknowledging five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and, one thing you can taste. If keeping count is difficult or distracting, you can get them to name as many things as they can see/hear/smell/touch. Children often learn by example, so let your child witness you practicing these techniques to manage anxiety in your own life. Establish Routines : Creating regular routines for meals, bedtime, and daily activities, provides a sense of stability and security. Encourage Independence : Avoidance perpetuates the cycle of anxiety. Where possible, encourage your child to gradually face their anxieties and develop independence. Help them build resilience by praising their efforts and successes, no matter how small.  If your child's anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, or perhaps, you're struggling to cope with your own anxiety and supporting your child concurrently, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A counsellor or therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your unique needs and circumstances. Parenting is a journey, and we all experience stumbles along the way. Be patient with yourself and your child, and celebrate the progress you make together!

How to Improve Sleep Quality?

By Jeannette Qhek • 26 Apr, 2024
Are you frequently fatigued in the morning, even after getting ample hours of sleep at night? While it can be a frustrating situation, there may be a simple explanation: you might be having poor sleep quality. Poor sleep quality can lead to a variety of health problems, including weight gain, depression, and heart disease. Identifying the reasons for insufficient sleep is straightforward, but determining why our sleep isn’t restful is often trickier. Nonetheless, it is still possible to do so. This article explores the importance of sleep quality, potential causes of poor sleep, and offers strategies to enhance your sleep quality. Why is Sleep Quality Important? During sleep, the body undergoes important physiological processes that are necessary for various functions such as cognitive functioning, immune function, and physical health. Here are a few reasons why sleep quality is important: 1. Allow Our Bodies to Repair and Restore When we sleep, our bodies release hormones that promote tissue growth and repair, as well as regulate our metabolism and immune system. This means that if we don't get good quality sleep, our bodies may not be able to repair themselves properly, leaving us vulnerable to a variety of physical health issues. 2. Keep Our Mental Health in Check Studies have shown that poor sleep quality is associated with a higher risk of depression and anxiety. Individuals with poor sleep quality were more likely to experience negative emotions and less likely to experience positive emotions the following day [1]. With poor sleep quality, we may also feel irritable, moody, and find it difficult to concentrate, which can negatively impact our overall wellbeing and productivity. 3. Maintain a Healthy Weight When we don't get enough quality sleep, our bodies produce more of the hormone ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, and less of the hormone leptin, which tells our bodies that we are full. This can lead to overeating and weight gain. What Could be Causing Your Poor Sleep? Several factors may contribute to poor sleep quality, including: Stress: High levels of stress can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. Poor Sleep Habits: Irregular sleep schedules, excessive caffeine or alcohol consumption, and using electronic devices before bedtime can all interfere with sleep. Environmental Factors: Noise, light, and temperature can all affect sleep quality. Not everyone has the luxury of getting a good night's sleep. Sleep disorders like insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome can further impair sleep quality. If you are having trouble sleeping, speak with your healthcare provider to identify any underlying conditions and determine the best course of treatment. How to Improve Your Sleep Quality? The good news is that enhancing the quality of our sleep might be as simple as improving our sleep hygiene. Similar to maintaining dental hygiene by regularly brushing and flossing, we can improve our sleep hygiene by adopting these few ideas: 1. Regular Sleep Schedule One way is to establish a regular sleep schedule, which means going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Individuals who maintained a consistent sleep schedule had better cognitive performance and were less likely to experience mood disturbances compared to those with an irregular sleep schedule [2]. 2. Sleep-friendly Environment Creating a sleep-friendly environment entails keeping our bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. This can help minimise distractions and make it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. 3. Relaxing Bedtime Routine Heard of the 3-2-1 technique for better sleep? It is an effective method that can help you to wind down and get ready for sleep. Here are the steps: 3 - Wind Down: Spend 3 minutes winding down before bedtime by engaging in a calming activity, such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or practising relaxation techniques like deep breathing or gentle stretching. 2 - Unplug: Spend 2 minutes unplugging from electronic devices, such as phones, laptops, and tablets. The blue light emitted by these devices can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep. 1 - Visualise: Spend 1 minute visualising yourself in a peaceful and comfortable sleeping environment. Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and comfortable, sinking deeper and deeper into a peaceful sleep. Let’s not forget that when it comes to our overall health and wellbeing, good sleep quality is just as important as getting enough sleep. By establishing healthy sleep habits, such as maintaining a regular sleep schedule, creating a relaxing bedtime routine, and a sleep-friendly environment, we can improve the quality of our sleep and reap the benefits of a good night's rest! About the Writer Jeannette Qhek is a dedicated Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Counselling Perspective , where she guides individuals towards mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, she serves as the Wellbeing Strategy Lead and Trainer at Actxa Wellness , curating and delivering science-backed wellness curriculum and wellbeing programs/ workshops for corporations. As the founder of Chill By Nette , a wellness space in Singapore, she offers trauma-informed counselling services and enriching wellness workshops. With more than 6 years of experience in the corporate wellness industry and a deep passion for individual well-being, she hopes to make psychological concepts and wellness research knowledge more accessible, relatable and fun to the public Connect more with Jeannette Qhek and book a session here . References [1] Mauss, I. B., Troy, A. S., & LeBourgeois, M. K. (2013). Poorer sleep quality is associated with lower emotion-regulation ability in a laboratory paradigm. Cognition & emotion , 27(3), 567–576. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2012.727783 [2] Alhola, P., & Polo-Kantola, P. (2007). Sleep deprivation: Impact on cognitive performance. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment , 3(5), 553–567. 

AUTISM AND NEURODIVERSITY AFFIRMING APPROACH TO EATING

By Claudia Correia • 26 Apr, 2024
Eating habits and preferences can vary widely across individuals, and this is especially true for those on the autism spectrum. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication, social interaction, and behaviour. It is characterized by a wide range of symptoms and behaviours, which can include difficulties with sensory processing, repetitive behaviours, and challenges with communication and social interaction. In recent years, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of adopting an affirming approach to eating for individuals with autism. This approach recognizes that people on the autism spectrum may have unique needs and preferences when it comes to food and eating, and that these needs should be respected and accommodated. About 90% of parents report to have feeding difficulties and 70% of Autistic children have atypical eating behaviours such as: · Selective eating · Strong food preferences · Rapid or slow eating · Lack of interested in eating · Loss of control while eating · Pocketing food in month This happens due to sensory processing difficulties; cognitive rigidity; social communication differences and/or poor executive function. Medications may also affect appetite and food intake. Also, some autistic individuals might experience interoceptive confusion, which means that they have difficulty to connect sense of hunger and/or satiety and fullness feeling and meal times. SO WHAT TO DO? Lower your expectations. Understand the challenges that your child goes through because of autism. Any force-feeding might lead to food trauma, sensory trauma (when forced to be in overwhelming environments) or traumatic childhood experiences. Accept that your neurodivergent child refusal to eat in a way that is accepted by society (neuronormative) is not because he/she is manipulative, maladapted. WHAT NOT TO DO? Don’t expect neuronormative family feeding practices to work on your child. It will only increase frustration and stress in your family. Don’t force feed your child – whether neurotypical or not. Don’t routinely reprimanded your child for authentic neurodivergent behaviours at table (rocking, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, clumsiness when using cutlery, problems swallowing food). Understand what are the coping mechanisms that your child uses to overcome the sensory overload that he/she is constantly facing. Look for strategies that will support this rather than persuading masking. NEUROAFFIRMING STRATEGIES Here are some tips – remember to use them if makes sense for your child. Discuss these with your healthcare professional and dietitian. · Set alarms to eat; · Use body doubling – eat with a friend, family member to support intake; · Change the size and timing of meals if needed to help with satiation experience; · While preference to eat might change, consider some of these (alert – can be very different from neuronormative “normal” feeding goals): o Quieter eating environment o Dimmable light o Avoid music or use a preferable music o Eat alone or use headphones when not possible o Eat in venues at times of the day that are less busy o Eat standing, walking, while laying down. Allow them to choose what works best to facilitate a pleasant eating experience o Eat which a distraction – sensory toys, iPad o Change textures of foods to match their preferences/unique sensory profile. If you are concerned about the variety of foods consumed, check with a dietitian that can support you. BE AWARE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE MORE PRESENT IN DIVERDIVERGENT INDIVIDUALS Eating disorders affect more neurodivergent individuals than neurotypicals. Here is some data: · In a study find our that 30% women seeking weight loss treatment were ADHD. Also, de dopamine de-regulation might lead to impulsivity and emotional distress that can increase the odds of loss of control while eating and binge eating. · 20-37% of individuals with anorexia nervosa are also autistic. · ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) accounts for 22.5% childhood eating disorders. 21% of ARFID patients are autistic. It affects only 0.3% of general population. If at any point you find that your child is developing an eating disorder or at risk, talk with your healthcare team. References: Cobbaert, L. & Rose, A. (2023). Eating Disorders and Neurodivergence: A Stepped Care Approach.
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