Why ending a toxic relationship is easier said than done

Esther Oon-Bybjerg
A man and a woman are sitting on a park bench.

It’s a universally known adage that relationships are hard work, conflicts are normal and rough patches are par for the course. While it is true every relationship goes through highs and lows, these platitudes can cause one to turn a blind eye to red flags in their love life, particularly those indicative of a toxic relationship.

 

In recent years, I often encounter clients who, despite feeling anguished, lonely, undervalued in their relationships, choose to stay with their abusive or neglectful partner. Many have also turned away from unwavering support and well-intended advice from caring friends and family who tell them that they deserve better and that they should just get out of the relationship. It is however easier said than done for those who find themselves caught in such a dilemma.

 

What does a toxic relationship look like?

Being in a toxic relationship is sometimes hard to recognise since the abuse can be slow and subtle in nature (King, 2018). It is never about an isolated episode, but the cumulative effect of persistent criticism, contempt, intimidation, manipulation and other forms of abuse. Such relationships are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically damaging and draining. Those in a toxic relationship tend to find themselves constantly walking on eggshells for fear of triggering their partner, making excuses to justify the abusive partner’s behaviours, frequently taking the fall or apologising for things that are not their fault, withdrawing socially and so on. Such relationship stress often gives rise to chronic feelings such as a sense of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, helplessness.

 

So why is it that such pain, exhaustion, frustration and anguish are not enough to make one decide to cut the cord and move on? What is it about toxic relationships that makes them difficult, or even seemingly impossible to end?

 

Apart from the obvious practical reasons such as financial and/or parenting considerations, there are also some deeper psychological factors that explain why leaving is easier said than done.

 

1. Low self esteem

Research has shown that people with low self-esteem are more susceptible to toxic relationships because of their core beliefs and perception about themselves. If one believes that they are not good or worthy enough, they are more likely to have lower expectations and tend to get involved with a partner who perpetuates their beliefs. In fact, those who have low self-worth are more likely to stay in a toxic relationship because they believe that they cannot do any better (Luciano & Orth, 2017). They also tend to display more people-pleasing tendencies and are more hesitant to stand up for themselves or set boundaries when they are treated badly. It is also important to note that the more they stay in a toxic relationship, the further their self-esteem erodes, creating a vicious cycle, making it increasingly difficult to leave.

 

 

2. Addicted to the lure of intermittent reinforcement

In a toxic relationship, the abused is regularly subjected to consistent bouts of cruel, callous, and abusive treatment with a few occasional and unpredictable displays of extreme affection and rewards. These are known as intermittent reinforcement tactics that the abusive partner uses to manipulate or control, and can include sending apology notes and flowers after a silent treatment or giving extravagant gifts with promises to change after a series of brutal verbal attacks.

 

Intermittent reinforcement tactics keep people stuck and unable to break free because they are linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with compulsions (Carnes & Phillips, 2019). Research has shown that unpredictable relationships are particularly dopamine-inducing. Intermittent reinforcement used the abusive partner feeds into our dopamine system because dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule, rather than predictably. Their abusive partner’s unreliability and inconsistency make them crave for the rewards, often doing everything they can to get it in order to get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle.

 

When one is living the abuse cycle, it is exceptionally hard to break out of it. People often fall into the trap of seeing the abuser’s sporadic acts of empathy and affection as positive traits, causing them to find excuses to justify the partner’s abuse or neglect. They also derive hope from these random “positive” acts, believing that their relationships will get better, and they get sucked back in until another cycle of abuse hits again. 


3. Fear of being single

The fear of being single is another factor that makes one rather tolerate or stay in a toxic relationship than to be single. Researchers (Spielmann et al., 2013) discovered that during relationship initiation and maintenance, those who have anxieties about being single may prioritize relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying. In fact, the fear of being single can be so overwhelming that one would rather be with a “wrong somebody” than be with nobody.

 

4.Sunk Cost effect

Another reason that makes it compelling for people to stay in unhappy relationships is the sunk cost fallacy. Studies have shown that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have invested time, money and effort. This underlines the sunk cost effect which “occurs when a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite it not being the best decision." (Rego et al., 2018). This suggests that people stay in unsatisfying relationships despite all their pain and suffering because they don’t want to feel their effort, time or money go to waste.

 

5. Pro-sociality inclination 

The decision to end a romantic relationship, even an unhealthy one, can have a life-changing impact on the partner as well as the self. Recent research has shed light on how altruism is one of the considerations that can hamper one’s decision to leave their abusive partner. In other words, when people make decisions that impact others, they take those others’ feelings and perspectives into consideration.

 

The research by Impett & Spielmann (2018) which studied 1,800 people showed that when one is deciding whether to end a relationship or not, they consider not only their own desires, but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue. In fact, the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate their breakup. This offers an explanation as to why it is not as straightforward to end the toxic relationship as much as they know it is the right thing to do.

 

What can be done?

The recognition and acknowledgement of a toxic relationship and the reasons that keep one stuck in it is just the first step to finding a resolution to the predicament. Aptly put by Carolyn Gamble, motivational speaker and expert on toxic relationships, “Love should never cost you your peace, It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. If there’s more negative in your situation than positive, something has to change.”

 

Thankfully, taking action does not have to be a solo task. The next step could involve seeking help from relationship-trained therapists to help one explore their innermost fears and ambivalence; open their mind to new perspectives, enable them to regain self esteem and empower them to access choices as well as to make decisions that are aligned with their life values.

 

 

 

 

 

References

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

 

Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824. 

 

King, J. (2018). Too Good to go, Too Bad to Stay: Five Steps to Finding Freedom From a Toxic Relationship. Morgan James Publishing.

 

Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112,307-328

 

Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. (2018) Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519 


Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. 

Beyond the Nervous System Reset

By Jason Woolley • March 18, 2026
In recent years, the language of the “nervous system reset” has become increasingly common in wellbeing spaces. Guided relaxation sessions, breathwork classes, meditation workshops, and practices such as NSDR (Non‑Sleep Deep Rest) are often presented as opportunities to step out of stress and return the body to a calmer state. In many ways, this reflects something positive. For people living and working in high‑pressure environments, simply discovering that the nervous system can settle - even temporarily - can be an important experience. When the mind quiets and the body softens, many people realise something they may not have known before: calm is actually possible. Spaces that support rest, reflection, and nervous system regulation can therefore be valuable. They offer a pause in a world that rarely stops moving. But the popularity of the “reset” also reveals something deeper about the conditions many people are living under. For many professionals, life can begin to feel like a cycle of pressure followed by brief relief. A demanding week leads to a meditation class, a breathwork session, a yoga practice, or a relaxation workshop. For an hour or two the nervous system unwinds. Then the session ends, the lights come back on, and the same environment - the same demands, expectations, and internal pressures - are waiting outside. The relief is real. But it is also temporary. This cycle can leave people feeling as though calm exists somewhere outside their daily life, accessible only through occasional experiences designed to reset the system. Yet the nervous system was never designed to be repeatedly “reset”. It evolved to adapt. Long‑term resilience rarely develops through repeated escapes from stress. Instead, it develops when we gradually change how our body and mind relate to pressure itself. This is where deeper forms of psychological and embodied work become meaningful. In counselling, part of the work involves understanding the internal patterns that amplify stress - the beliefs, relational dynamics, and emotional histories that shape how experiences land in the nervous system. At the same time, embodied disciplines offer another pathway. Traditions such as Taiji and Qigong were developed over centuries as methods for regulating the interaction between mind, breath, and body. Their aim is not to produce a temporary state of relaxation. Instead, through consistent practice, they gradually change how the system responds to challenge. Over time, the body learns to release unnecessary tension more quickly. Breath settles naturally. Attention becomes steadier. External pressures may remain the same, but the way they land internally begins to shift. This process is sometimes misunderstood in modern wellness culture. Taiji, for example, is often seen as gentle exercise or slow movement in the park. But within traditional systems of practice, it is something more structured and transformative - a method of cultivating internal balance, resilience, and energy through sustained personal practice. It does not promise a quick nervous system reset. Instead, it invites a longer journey of learning how to live within the nervous system you already have. For many people, the most meaningful shift happens when calm is no longer something that needs to be found outside of daily life. It becomes something that can gradually be carried within it. And from there, resilience stops being something you temporarily borrow from a workshop or retreat. It becomes something you quietly build. ----- Moments of rest and nervous system regulation can be helpful starting points. But lasting change often emerges through deeper exploration and consistent practice. Counselling, reflective work, and embodied disciplines such as Taiji and breath-based practices can support a gradual shift in how the mind and body respond to pressure. If this perspective resonates with you, you are welcome to reach out to learn more about the ways these approaches can be explored together.

Intimacy Beyond Sex – A Way of Being

By Aki Tsukui • February 4, 2026
When we hear the word intimacy , we often think of sex: touch, desire, romance. Yet true intimacy lives far beyond these moments. It is felt in silence, in a shared glance, and in the quiet courage it takes to be fully present with yourself, with another, and with life itself. Real intimacy does not begin by reaching outward. It begins within. In the rhythm of your breath. In the pulse of life moving through your body. In the willingness to meet yourself honestly and gently. Meeting Yourself The deepest intimacy is the relationship you cultivate with your own heart. To meet yourself is to witness your thoughts, contradictions, joys, and aches without judgment or urgency. Can you stay present with fear rather than turning away? Can you allow sadness to settle in your chest and still honor it as meaningful? Can you sense the subtle movement of breath and energy within you? In moments of stillness and awareness, we often discover how much of ourselves we have learned to hide: emotions pushed aside, sensations ignored, patterns inherited and carried unconsciously. Yet every doorway to genuine connection already exists inside you. When you reclaim your inner world, you reconnect with the source from which all intimacy flows. Being Felt Emotional intimacy is not something we explain; it is something we allow. It lives in presence in the unguarded moment, the pause that stretches, the vulnerability that remains uncovered. To be emotionally intimate is to let the quiet pulse of your inner life meet another without the need to justify or repair it. Breath becomes a bridge, gently moving awareness between your inner world and the shared space. In this soft surrender, the heart remembers that it is safe to open, to soften, to simply be. Being Known Psychological intimacy asks for the courage to see and name the patterns that shape how we move through the world: our fears, defenses, and habitual ways of relating. “I withdraw when I feel unseen.” “I hesitate to ask for support because I fear being a burden.” These patterns rarely belong only to us. They often arise from family systems, ancestral histories, and cultural conditioning, unseen forces carried across generations. When we begin to recognize these influences, compassion naturally deepens. We stop judging ourselves and instead meet our patterns with curiosity and care, honoring the lineage that lives within us. Meeting Beyond Roles Spiritual intimacy emerges when roles and narratives fall away. It is found in the space between breaths, in shared silence, and in the quiet recognition of essence meeting essence. It may appear while sitting together in stillness, in a gaze that needs no explanation, or while walking side by side through ordinary moments that suddenly feel sacred. When attention softens and awareness deepens, intimacy arises naturally. Breath, presence, and a wider systemic awareness allow us to meet one another with greater freedom, depth, and reverence. Intimacy Beyond Another You do not need another person to access this depth of closeness. Intimacy can be cultivated entirely within. In moments of stillness, you may begin to honor every layer of your being. As your breath deepens, its rhythm may echo the larger cycles of life. Subtle currents of energy become more perceptible, as does the quiet presence of ancestral threads shaping your experience. When inner intimacy is nurtured, relationships transform. Connection is no longer about filling a void, but about resonance: two beings meeting from wholeness rather than need. The Sacredness of Vulnerability To be intimate is to be seen and being seen can feel risky. Old wounds, inherited fears, and unmet needs often surface, making closeness feel uncomfortable. Yet vulnerability is the doorway. Breath and embodied awareness gently anchor you in the present, reminding you that you are alive, supported, and connected. As presence meets presence, intimacy deepens naturally. Intimacy as a Way of Being Intimacy is not something to earn or achieve. It is a state of presence, openness, and deep respect for life. It lives in meeting yourself with compassion, keeping your heart soft even in the presence of fear, holding space for another without expectation, and recognizing the sacred thread that runs through all connection. As you move through the days ahead, you might gently notice where intimacy is already presentin your breath, in moments of quiet honesty with yourself, in the spaces between words. There is nothing to strive for and nothing to fix. Intimacy is already here, waiting to be met. Warmly, Aki Tsukui

The Limits of Chemistry

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg • February 4, 2026
Chemistry is often treated as a decisive force in romantic life. When it is present, people feel justified in leaning in. When it is absent, even after a pleasant and promising date, interest tends to stall. Chemistry appears to offer clarity, but what it actually provides is something narrower: an early signal, powerful in its immediacy, yet limited in what it can reliably tell us. Most people recognise this tension intuitively. They know chemistry matters, but they also sense that it does not explain everything that makes a relationship viable or sustaining. And yet, in practice, chemistry is frequently asked to carry more authority than it deserves, shaping decisions about who to pursue, who to dismiss, and how long to remain invested. What is chemistry? In relationship research, romantic chemistry is recognised as a multifaceted, emergent experience. It can include attraction, emotional connection, interactive engagement, and a sense of mutual responsiveness. Importantly, chemistry is not viewed as a fixed trait residing in one person, but as something that arises between two people through interaction. When researchers examine how people themselves describe chemistry, however, a more specific pattern emerges. A recent qualitative study published in Behavioral Sciences, found that while participants acknowledged chemistry could involve multiple elements, the most commonly cited and immediately recognised experience was an instantaneous spark - a felt sense of connection, intensity, or attraction early in an interaction, rather than a gradual assessment of compatibility or emotional safety (Devenport et al., 2025). Why the spark feels so convincing That immediate spark carries weight because it is physiological as much as psychological. Early romantic chemistry is associated with activation of the brain’s reward and motivation systems, including increased dopamine and norepinephrine, which are neurochemicals involved in focus, pursuit, and salience. The body feels energised, attention narrows, and the other person begins to stand out in a way that feels meaningful. This response is not irrational. From an evolutionary perspective, rapid bonding had adaptive value. From a learning perspective, our nervous systems are shaped by repeated relational experiences. Attachment research helps explain why this kind of activation can feel meaningful so quickly. Our nervous systems learn through experience what closeness feels like, and over time they become efficient at recognising familiar patterns. When past intimacy involved emotional intensity or heightened engagement, the body may respond swiftly to similar cues, even before conscious evaluation has a chance to catch up. (Mikulincer et al., 2020). 1Chemistry, then, is neither imagined nor accidental. But it is also not a verdict. It is a signal that arrives early and speaks loudly. When chemistry starts doing more than it should Problems arise when chemistry shifts from being an opening signal to becoming the deciding factor. When people over-index on chemistry, two familiar patterns tend to emerge. In one, the absence of chemistry limits pursuit. Dates can go well. Conversation can flow. The other person may be emotionally available, respectful, even aligned with what someone says they want. And yet, without chemistry, interest stalls. Many people describe this not as rejection, but as resignation: “I know they’re good for me, but I don’t feel anything.” The relationship does not end; it simply never begins. In other cases, the opposite happens. A relationship starts with strong chemistry. People invest quickly and overlook early warning signs. That initial pull shapes the decision to begin the relationship and continues to guide it even if doubts surface. Concerns are registered, but they carry less weight. Over time, it becomes clear how much chemistry has been steering judgment from the beginning. Because the nervous system is activated, the mind works to maintain coherence, often finding reasons to persist rather than pause. In both cases, chemistry is doing more work than it should either preventing people from staying curious enough for other forms of connection to develop or pulling people forward too quickly. What chemistry can and cannot tell you Research consistently shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is far more strongly predicted by responsiveness, repair after conflict, and emotional attunement than by early intensity alone (Overall & Lemay, 2021). Chemistry does not reliably predict these capacities. Chemistry can tell you that your system is activated, your attention is engaged, and something feels compelling or familiar. What it cannot tell you is how conflict will be handled, whether needs will be met consistently, or whether emotional safety will deepen or erode over time. From a nervous-system perspective, this distinction matters. Stephen Porges’ work on Polyvagal Theory describes how the autonomic nervous system continuously scans for cues of safety and threat, shaping whether we feel socially open, vigilant, or withdrawn. When systems are accustomed to high arousal, intensity can be misread as connection and calm can register as disinterest. In such cases, chemistry reflects nervous-system conditioning more than relational compatibility (Porges, 2022). 2The consequences of over-indexing on chemistry often appear later, in hindsight. When chemistry dominates judgment, it can obscure both warning signs and possibilities. Chemistry as one voice among others A more grounded way to relate to chemistry is to treat it as one voice in a larger conversation. It deserves attention, but it should not be allowed to dominate the discussion or determine the outcome on its own. Qualities such as emotional safety, mutual responsiveness, values alignment, and repair after conflict tend to speak more slowly. They require time and exposure to reveal themselves. When chemistry drowns them out, decisions are made with incomplete information. Wanting chemistry is not the problem. The issue arises when it is allowed to outweigh every other form of relational information. Chemistry can open the door, spark curiosity, and make connection feel alive, but sustaining love depends on quieter, more consistent signals - emotional presence, repair, respect, and reliability over time. The goal is not to mute the spark, but to place it in context. Chemistry speaks loudly, but wisdom often emerges only after the initial intensity had time to settle.  References Devenport, L., et al. (2025). Exploring lay understandings of romantic chemistry. Behavioral Sciences, MDPI. https://www.mdpi.com/3592440 Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Ein-Dor, T. (2020). Attachment orientations and emotion regulation in close relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 86–91. Overall, N. C., & Lemay, E. P. (2021). Attachment, responsiveness, and well-being in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 43, 110–115. Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227 3