The Limits of Chemistry

Esther Oon-Bybjerg

Chemistry is often treated as a decisive force in romantic life. When it is present, people feel justified in leaning in. When it is absent, even after a pleasant and promising date, interest tends to stall. Chemistry appears to offer clarity, but what it actually provides is something

narrower: an early signal, powerful in its immediacy, yet limited in what it can reliably tell us. Most people recognise this tension intuitively. They know chemistry matters, but they also sense that it does not explain everything that makes a relationship viable or sustaining. And

yet, in practice, chemistry is frequently asked to carry more authority than it deserves, shaping decisions about who to pursue, who to dismiss, and how long to remain invested.


What is chemistry?

In relationship research, romantic chemistry is recognised as a multifaceted, emergent experience. It can include attraction, emotional connection, interactive engagement, and a sense of mutual responsiveness. Importantly, chemistry is not viewed as a fixed trait residing

in one person, but as something that arises between two people through interaction. When researchers examine how people themselves describe chemistry, however, a more specific pattern emerges. A recent qualitative study published in Behavioral Sciences, found that while participants acknowledged chemistry could involve multiple elements, the most commonly cited and immediately recognised experience was an instantaneous spark - a felt sense of connection, intensity, or attraction early in an interaction, rather than a gradual assessment of compatibility or emotional safety (Devenport et al., 2025).


Why the spark feels so convincing

That immediate spark carries weight because it is physiological as much as psychological. Early romantic chemistry is associated with activation of the brain’s reward and motivation systems, including increased dopamine and norepinephrine, which are neurochemicals

involved in focus, pursuit, and salience. The body feels energised, attention narrows, and the other person begins to stand out in a way that feels meaningful. This response is not irrational. From an evolutionary perspective, rapid bonding had

adaptive value. From a learning perspective, our nervous systems are shaped by repeated relational experiences. Attachment research helps explain why this kind of activation can feel meaningful so quickly. Our nervous systems learn through experience what closeness feels like, and over time they become efficient at recognising familiar patterns. When past intimacy involved emotional

intensity or heightened engagement, the body may respond swiftly to similar cues, even before conscious evaluation has a chance to catch up. (Mikulincer et al., 2020). 1Chemistry, then, is neither imagined nor accidental. But it is also not a verdict. It is a signal

that arrives early and speaks loudly.


When chemistry starts doing more than it should

Problems arise when chemistry shifts from being an opening signal to becoming the deciding

factor. When people over-index on chemistry, two familiar patterns tend to emerge. In one, the absence of chemistry limits pursuit. Dates can go well. Conversation can flow. The other person may be emotionally available, respectful, even aligned with what someone

says they want. And yet, without chemistry, interest stalls. Many people describe this not as rejection, but as resignation: “I know they’re good for me, but I don’t feel anything.” The relationship does not end; it simply never begins. In other cases, the opposite happens. A relationship starts with strong chemistry. People invest quickly and overlook early warning signs. That initial pull shapes the decision to begin the relationship and continues to guide it even if doubts surface. Concerns are registered, but they carry less weight. Over time, it becomes clear how much chemistry has been steering judgment from the beginning. Because the nervous system is activated, the mind

works to maintain coherence, often finding reasons to persist rather than pause. In both cases, chemistry is doing more work than it should either preventing people from staying curious enough for other forms of connection to develop or pulling people forward

too quickly.


What chemistry can and cannot tell you

Research consistently shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is far more strongly predicted by responsiveness, repair after conflict, and emotional attunement than by early intensity alone (Overall & Lemay, 2021). Chemistry does not reliably predict these capacities. Chemistry can tell you that your system is activated, your attention is engaged, and something feels compelling or familiar. What it cannot tell you is how conflict will be handled, whether needs will be met consistently, or whether emotional safety will deepen or erode over time. From a nervous-system perspective, this distinction matters. Stephen Porges’ work on Polyvagal Theory describes how the autonomic nervous system continuously scans for cues of safety and threat, shaping whether we feel socially open, vigilant, or withdrawn. When systems are accustomed to high arousal, intensity can be misread as connection and calm can register as disinterest. In such cases, chemistry reflects nervous-system conditioning more than relational compatibility (Porges, 2022). 2The consequences of over-indexing on chemistry often appear later, in hindsight. When chemistry dominates judgment, it can obscure both warning signs and possibilities.


Chemistry as one voice among others

A more grounded way to relate to chemistry is to treat it as one voice in a larger conversation. It deserves attention, but it should not be allowed to dominate the discussion or determine the outcome on its own. Qualities such as emotional safety, mutual responsiveness, values alignment, and repair after conflict tend to speak more slowly. They require time and exposure to reveal themselves. When chemistry drowns them out, decisions are made with incomplete information. Wanting chemistry is not the problem. The issue arises when it is allowed to outweigh every other form of relational information. Chemistry can open the door, spark curiosity, and make

connection feel alive, but sustaining love depends on quieter, more consistent signals - emotional presence, repair, respect, and reliability over time. The goal is not to mute the spark, but to place it in context. Chemistry speaks loudly, but wisdom often emerges only after the initial intensity had time to settle.



References

Devenport, L., et al. (2025). Exploring lay understandings of romantic chemistry. Behavioral

Sciences, MDPI. https://www.mdpi.com/3592440

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Ein-Dor, T. (2020). Attachment orientations and emotion

regulation in close relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 86–91.

Overall, N. C., & Lemay, E. P. (2021). Attachment, responsiveness, and well-being in romantic

relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 43, 110–115.

Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative

Neuroscience, 16, 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

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Intimacy Beyond Sex – A Way of Being

By Aki Tsukui • February 4, 2026
When we hear the word intimacy , we often think of sex: touch, desire, romance. Yet true intimacy lives far beyond these moments. It is felt in silence, in a shared glance, and in the quiet courage it takes to be fully present with yourself, with another, and with life itself. Real intimacy does not begin by reaching outward. It begins within. In the rhythm of your breath. In the pulse of life moving through your body. In the willingness to meet yourself honestly and gently. Meeting Yourself The deepest intimacy is the relationship you cultivate with your own heart. To meet yourself is to witness your thoughts, contradictions, joys, and aches without judgment or urgency. Can you stay present with fear rather than turning away? Can you allow sadness to settle in your chest and still honor it as meaningful? Can you sense the subtle movement of breath and energy within you? In moments of stillness and awareness, we often discover how much of ourselves we have learned to hide: emotions pushed aside, sensations ignored, patterns inherited and carried unconsciously. Yet every doorway to genuine connection already exists inside you. When you reclaim your inner world, you reconnect with the source from which all intimacy flows. Being Felt Emotional intimacy is not something we explain; it is something we allow. It lives in presence in the unguarded moment, the pause that stretches, the vulnerability that remains uncovered. To be emotionally intimate is to let the quiet pulse of your inner life meet another without the need to justify or repair it. Breath becomes a bridge, gently moving awareness between your inner world and the shared space. In this soft surrender, the heart remembers that it is safe to open, to soften, to simply be. Being Known Psychological intimacy asks for the courage to see and name the patterns that shape how we move through the world: our fears, defenses, and habitual ways of relating. “I withdraw when I feel unseen.” “I hesitate to ask for support because I fear being a burden.” These patterns rarely belong only to us. They often arise from family systems, ancestral histories, and cultural conditioning, unseen forces carried across generations. When we begin to recognize these influences, compassion naturally deepens. We stop judging ourselves and instead meet our patterns with curiosity and care, honoring the lineage that lives within us. Meeting Beyond Roles Spiritual intimacy emerges when roles and narratives fall away. It is found in the space between breaths, in shared silence, and in the quiet recognition of essence meeting essence. It may appear while sitting together in stillness, in a gaze that needs no explanation, or while walking side by side through ordinary moments that suddenly feel sacred. When attention softens and awareness deepens, intimacy arises naturally. Breath, presence, and a wider systemic awareness allow us to meet one another with greater freedom, depth, and reverence. Intimacy Beyond Another You do not need another person to access this depth of closeness. Intimacy can be cultivated entirely within. In moments of stillness, you may begin to honor every layer of your being. As your breath deepens, its rhythm may echo the larger cycles of life. Subtle currents of energy become more perceptible, as does the quiet presence of ancestral threads shaping your experience. When inner intimacy is nurtured, relationships transform. Connection is no longer about filling a void, but about resonance: two beings meeting from wholeness rather than need. The Sacredness of Vulnerability To be intimate is to be seen and being seen can feel risky. Old wounds, inherited fears, and unmet needs often surface, making closeness feel uncomfortable. Yet vulnerability is the doorway. Breath and embodied awareness gently anchor you in the present, reminding you that you are alive, supported, and connected. As presence meets presence, intimacy deepens naturally. Intimacy as a Way of Being Intimacy is not something to earn or achieve. It is a state of presence, openness, and deep respect for life. It lives in meeting yourself with compassion, keeping your heart soft even in the presence of fear, holding space for another without expectation, and recognizing the sacred thread that runs through all connection. As you move through the days ahead, you might gently notice where intimacy is already presentin your breath, in moments of quiet honesty with yourself, in the spaces between words. There is nothing to strive for and nothing to fix. Intimacy is already here, waiting to be met. Warmly, Aki Tsukui

Starting Fresh: Setting Intentions & Mindful Beginnings

By Praveen Kaur • January 9, 2026
Welcome to 2026 (You’ve Already Landed) By the time you’re reading this, we are already in 2026. No countdown. No confetti. No dramatic soundtrack. Just you living, showing up, doing your best. Whether you realised it or not, you crossed into this new year carrying something with you. Not a suitcase. Not a planner. A carry-on . The Invisible Luggage We All Bring Your carry-on isn’t visible but it’s always with you. Inside it might be: • Expectations you didn’t consciously choose • Emotional habits you’ve perfected over time • Unfinished conversations (with others… and yourself) • Coping strategies that once helped but now weigh you down And also… because let’s be fair • Resilience • Hard-earned wisdom • Boundaries you finally learned to set • Strength you didn’t know you had Not everything in your carry-on is a burden. But not everything belongs on this journey either. We Don’t Usually Check Our Carry-On Most of us keep moving. We assume: • “This is just how I am.” • “This has always worked for me.” • “I’ll deal with it later.” But over time, the carry-on gets heavier because we get busy “chasing”. What once felt manageable becomes: • Emotional fatigue • Reactivity • Quiet resentment • A sense of being constantly ‘on’ And we wonder why rest doesn’t quite restore us. A Gentle Question for 2026 Pause for a moment and ask yourself: What am I still carrying that I no longer need? Awareness is the first step. Not everything has to be unpacked all at once. What remains unchecked often: • Shapes our reactions • Influences our relationships • Determines how safe, calm or overwhelmed we feel Letting Go Isn’t Losing, It’s Choosing People don’t struggle because they’re broken. They struggle because they’re overloaded . Letting go doesn’t mean dismissing your past. It means honouring it without letting it run the present. In 2026, growth may look less like adding tools and more like: • Unlearning • Softening • Creating space What Deserves Space in Your Carry-On? As this year unfolds, consider revisiting your inner luggage. What’s worth keeping close? • Self-compassion • Curiosity • Honest communication • Support (yes, including professional support) What might be ready to stay behind? • Guilt that no longer teaches • Hyper-independence that isolates • Expectations that were never yours to carry Mental and emotional wellbeing isn’t about arriving lighter overnight. It’s about learning to: • Check in with yourself regularly • Notice when the load feels too heavy • Ask for support before exhaustion sets in Therapy, coaching and nurturing workshops offer a space to gently unpack without judgement, without rushing and without needing to have it all figured out. Moving Through 2026, Intentionally You are allowed to move forward differently this year. Not faster. Not harder. Just more consciously . So, as you continue into 2026, take a quiet moment to ask: What’s in my carry-on and am I ready to travel lighter? Because sometimes, the most meaningful shift isn’t a new destination. It’s what you choose to carry with you along the way.

Step Boldly into 2026: Align, Listen, and Become

By Aki Tsukui • January 6, 2026
The beginning of a new year often comes wrapped in a rush of excitement. There’s a buzz in the air. A sense of possibility of fresh pages waiting to be written. But that excitement, if left unchecked, can quickly turn into pressure. We’re told to set goals, make resolutions, and “improve” ourselves, yet often by February, the sparkle fades. The reason is simple: excitement is sustainable only when it is rooted in alignment, not obligation. When our intentions emerge from what truly matters to us, they generate energy rather than drain it. They fuel us. They awaken us to the possibilities that already exist within our reach. Conversely, when our actions are motivated solely by external expectations or a sense of duty, we burn out. We chase after shiny goals that glitter with promise but leave us exhausted at the finish line. This is why pausing at the start of the year matters so much. A moment of stillness allows us to ask critical questions: What is genuinely mine to pursue? What sparks joy, curiosity, or a sense of expansion within me? Without this reflection, we rush forward blindly, often mistaking momentum for meaningful progress. With it, we step into the work, projects, and relationships that resonate with our deepest truths. We engage in what feels expansive, alive, and authentic. The Power of Alignment Over Obligation Alignment is not about perfection. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standard or following the checklist of achievements society says we should pursue. Alignment is about listening deeply to ourselves and honoring what resonates. It is understanding that every choice, every step, every intention carries energy and that energy is precious. When it is aligned with our values, it sustains us. When it is misaligned, it depletes us. Consider the difference between doing something because it is “expected” versus doing it because it feels like a calling. When you choose the former, you may check boxes, hit deadlines, or achieve milestones, but often, it comes at the expense of your vitality. You may find yourself asking, “Why am I doing this?” Alignment transforms that dynamic. It turns effort into expression and action into joy. The Pause: A Sacred Practice Pausing is more than a moment of rest. It is a sacred practice that allows us to realign with our intentions. It is a deliberate step away from noise, distraction, and the habit of reactive living. In that pause, clarity emerges. We gain perspective. We recognize which pursuits belong to us and which are borrowed from others’ expectations. To pause effectively, consider journaling, mindful reflection, or even quiet meditation. Ask yourself: Which activities make me feel most alive? Which projects excite me because they are authentically mine? Where do I feel stretched in ways that are energizing rather than draining? These questions are not trivial. They form the blueprint for a year that feels full, meaningful, and nourishing. Dare to Expand Your Vision Once we have paused and reflected, the next step is expansion. The temptation at the start of a year is often to shrink our vision into checklists, to define success narrowly, and to prioritize “achievable” goals over inspiring ones. But true growth, the kind that stirs our imagination and nourishes our soul, requires courage. It asks us to dream bigger, to hold intentions that feel luminous and expansive. Expansion is not about recklessness; it is about daring to stretch ourselves in directions that feel right. It is about holding space for potential, curiosity, and creativity. The universe gives us beginnings as an invitation to explore what is possible, to rewrite old stories, and to breathe new life into the chapters we are yet to write. Becoming, Not Fixing 2026 is not an invitation to become a more polished version of yourself; it is a call to return to who you already are: awake, aligned, and fully alive. So often, growth is framed as self-improvement, as though we are projects to be corrected or problems to be solved. Yet true growth is not about fixing what is “wrong,” but about becoming more deeply connected to what is true. When authenticity becomes the anchor, our energy naturally aligns with our values and passions, and the exhausting pursuit of perfection begins to soften. From this place, joy, meaningful connection, and purpose-led achievements emerge, not because we tried harder to be better, but because we allowed ourselves to be real. Beginnings carry a quiet, sacred power: each year, each season, even each breath offers the possibility of renewal. When we meet these moments with presence and intention, pausing to listen inwardly before rushing ahead, we create a foundation that can hold uncertainty without fear. We do not need guaranteed outcomes or flawless plans; we need clarity of values and the courage to trust the unfolding. From there, we move forward grounded, open, and curious, allowing life to shape itself around who we are becoming. Practical Steps to Start the Year Aligned 1. Reflect on Your Core Values: Identify what matters most to you. Which principles guide your decisions and actions? Let these serve as the foundation for your intentions. 2. Ask Meaningful Questions: “What excites me because it is authentically mine?” “Where do I feel most alive?” These questions help distinguish between external expectations and internal calling. 3. Write Down Your Intentions: Capture your expansive, luminous goals — not as obligations, but as invitations to explore your potential. 4. Prioritize Energy Over Output: Choose pursuits that energize you, not merely tasks that look impressive. 5. Create Space for Pauses: Schedule moments to step back, reflect, and adjust. These pauses maintain alignment and prevent burnout. 6. Embrace Expansion: Allow yourself to dream beyond the narrow limits of “achievable.” Big visions cultivate creativity, resilience, and inspiration. Walking Boldly Into 2026 With clarity and alignment, stepping into 2026 becomes an act of courage. Excitement hums in your bones, not because of pressure, but because of resonance. Each action is purposeful, each pursuit intentional. The new year transforms from a checklist into a canvas. A space where imagination, joy, and authenticity can flourish. As you navigate the year ahead, remember: beginnings are not about fixing what is broken. They are about becoming more fully who you are. They invite you to shed the weight of others’ expectations, to honor your own energy, and to move boldly into your possibilities. Pause. Listen. Align. Expand. And step into 2026 with a sense of wonder, courage, and intention. This is your year to nurture your authentic self, to hold luminous visions, and to live fully awake. This is your year to remember that each beginning carries the rare magic of rebirth: an opportunity to rewrite the story and breathe new life into your journey. To support this unfolding, we offer 3 new spaces that guide and hold you gently: Ground and Grow invites you to release what no longer serves you and reconnect with your inner self. Aligned helps you uncover your core values and step into what truly matters with intention. The Field is a weekly intimate Family & Systemic Constellation gathering. A quiet, guided space to explore relationship and systemic dynamics and patterns that may be shaping your life. Through shared presence, we bring clarity and movement to what feels stuck. All workshops and meetups are quiet invitations to reflect, realign, and step into the new year in harmony with your deepest truths. See you in the circle.