Cultivating Friendship for Relationship Warriors
Jason Wooley
Feeling secure in your self-identity provides a foundation from which to reach out to another. “Hi I’m Jason and I Coach couples and partnerships to be more conscious and intentional in their relationships”.
Consider your personal ‘lift-sell’ and prepare for a few different audiences. I am not less if you do not want to know me. I am not less by failing to mention the many other things I do. In this context, that’s what I want you to know about me. If this were a conversation now, how would you share something appropriate about yourself to co-create this relationship?
In the words of Faith Fuller PhD, co-founder of CRR Global, “A Relationship Warrior is someone who believes relationships matter and has the tools and skills to achieve the goal of what we call Right Relationship”. What does Right Relationship mean to you?
It has become more common to encounter the perspective of seeing conflict-as-ally, and this is a good foundation for the practice of cultivating friendship, for there are few relationships that grow and endure that do not possess some level of conflict. Even when the conflict is not externalised, it may exist in different ‘parts’ of our inner experience such as the empathic part that craves connection and wants to go and talk to the person at the event who is standing on their own being held back by the part that holds you back because they are protecting you from rejection and embarrassment just like happened that time when you … get the drift.
So cultivating friendship begins with the inner work, creating alignment between our inner team so we can have confidence in the self-identity from which we operate; with becoming aware of the stories we tell ourselves and how we live from them and reflecting on if these stories serve us or sabotage us. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves to fail at the thing we knew we would fail at, because who doesn’t like to be right?
And there are many ways to develop our friendships with our internal family system. If you are religious there are doubtless practices you can find in your preferred system. As simply a couple of examples: In Christian adoration, not only do you gaze on God, but you reflect on how God gazes on you, seeing you as a perfect and lovable creation. Buddhism directs us with the highly accessible practice of Metta, to list only one valuable approach with much scientific validation.
Through Coaching we can develop our awareness of the ‘Saboteur’ voices and choose to empower wiser ‘Sage’ perspectives. Counselling and Psychotherapy allow a deeper understanding, acceptance and healing. Combine all of the above and you are sure to be successful as you take your friendship cultivation outwards as an expression of yourself.
The next steps can then feel quite simple. How can you consciously and intentionally be ‘in-relationship’ with the different people who are already in your life? What actions can you take today to pay positivity into the shared ‘emotional bank’ as a little insurance against the cruchy conflict lurking around the corner. And when it comes, how can you be comfortable with conflict, honest with yourself and others. A simple tool to leave you with can be remembered with the acronym C.O.I.N.
When there’s something you want to discuss, first share the Context so there’s clarity on what is being discussed. Then share your observation and own it using non-blaming “I” statements, what was the Impact of this behaviour, and what’s the change you would like to see Next.
For example: “At the dinner event you made some negative comments about some of my friends and I was embarrassed and felt in an uncomfortable position. In future, kindly keep your thoughts to yourself or share with me privately.”
Be willing to resolve things without blaming and get clear on why it’s important to resolve it, such as the value of the relationship you have with the other person. Being willing to put the relationship first, share your personal perspective and listen honestly to others are some of the essential ingredients for Relationship Warriorship.
No need to wait until there’s problems to call in a professional coach or counsellor, speak to us about how to design your individual, couples and partners, or team and family relationships for greater ease and flow.
What does it mean to truly know who you are? During Pride Month, we celebrate the beauty of diverse identities and the courage it takes to live authentically. But beyond the labels and roles, there is a deeper essence waiting to be seen—a core self that exists beneath the surface. At Elemental Wellness, we believe that reconnecting with this essence is both a sacred and scientific journey. And breath is the bridge. The Breath: A Portal to the Subconscious Yin Breathwork, rooted in Leonard Orr’s Rebirthing Breathwork, offers a gentle yet profound way to access inner truth: not through thinking, but through feeling and presence. This form of conscious, connected breathing helps shift our awareness from the everyday, thinking mind (conscious) to the deeper, quieter terrain of the subconscious. Why does this matter? Because the subconscious holds the stories, emotional imprints, and beliefs we’ve absorbed, often unconsciously, from culture, family, and lived experience. These inner patterns shape how we see ourselves and how freely we live out our identities. Through slow, circular breath, Yin Breathwork helps bypass habitual thought loops and opens the door to neuroplasticity: the brain’s natural ability to rewire. When we breathe with intention and softness, we create a relaxed yet alert state, similar to light meditation or REM sleep, where old emotional imprints can surface and be gently released. Science Meets Soul: The Nervous System and Breath From a physiological perspective, breath is one of the few automatic functions we can consciously control. When we slow and deepen our breathing, we signal safety to the brain through the vagus nerve, activating the parasympathetic nervous system, our body’s natural state of rest and repair. This matters deeply for identity work. If we've lived in fight-or-flight, bracing against judgment, discrimination, or internalized shame, our nervous system may associate authenticity with risk. But breath offers another way. It teaches the body that it is safe to soften, to open, to be seen. Over time, regular Yin Breathwork can help regulate the nervous system, reduce anxiety, and increase emotional resilience. It becomes a quiet revolution within: an unlearning of fear and a return to inner freedom. Identity: A Living, Breathing Process We often think of identity as something to define or declare. But what if identity is not fixed, but fluid? What if it’s something we remember , layer by layer, breath by breath? In a Yin Breathwork session, there is no need to force answers. We simply lie back and breathe, allowing what wants to emerge to rise. The experience can feel meditative, emotional, or quietly powerful. As tension releases from the body, insight often follows about who we are beneath the roles, the expectations, the old stories. Rather than striving for authenticity, we relax into it . This isn’t a quick fix. It’s a return to the self—a remembering of what has always been there. And in that remembering, healing happens Pride as a Return to Wholeness Whether you're navigating your gender, sexuality, cultural heritage, or your evolving sense of self, Yin Breathwork offers a sanctuary—a space to return to your body and your truth. There’s no performance. No pressure. Just breath. Just presence. Just you. This Pride, instead of stepping out, we invite you to step in. To soften. To listen. To discover who you are beneath the noise gently, fully, and unapologetically. Yin Breathwork isn’t about changing yourself; it’s about remembering who you’ve always been. Join us for a Yin Breathwork session and reconnect with who you truly are. For booking: info@counselingperspective.com
Adolescence is a time of profound self-discovery: teens experiment with interests, values, friendships, and personal style as they build their emerging identities. Yet in today’s hyperconnected world, much of that identity work happens on screens. Rather than exploring who they are through face-to-face interaction, teens now look to social-media feeds, influencers, and online communities to test different selves. Every “like”, filter, and “follow” becomes a data point that algorithms use to mirror back a curated version of the self. This digital reflection can empower creativity and connection, but it can also distort self-worth, foster comparison, and lock teens into narrow, algorithm-driven identities. In fact, a 2024 Mozilla study1 found TikTok locks in on a user’s niche within 40 minutes, after which 80% of videos reinforce that same theme, even if the user stops engaging. Over time, teens learn to judge their worth by these algorithmic reflections, embedding a fragile, externally dictated self-image. Why Teenage Years Are Crucial for Identity Formation During adolescence, the brain undergoes a dramatic reorganization. The limbic system, which governs emotions and reward processing, matures rapidly around puberty, making teens especially sensitive to social feedback and novelty. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, planning, and reflection, continues developing into the mid-twenties. This imbalance creates a window where emotional drives often outweigh rational oversight. Simultaneously, the brain undergoes synaptic pruning and myelination, strengthening neural pathways through repeated behaviors. Online, every click, like, or share provides immediate emotional payoff and simultaneously reinforces circuits that link identity to digital validation loops. This makes adolescence a uniquely malleable, and vulnerable, time for forming a lifelong sense of self. A World Where Identity Is Always “On” and the Pressure of Perfection A January 2025 CNA–Institute of Policy Studies survey2 found Singaporean teens spend an average of 8.5 hours per day on screens, more time than they devote to school or sleep. Globally, 46% of U.S. adolescents report being online “almost constantly,” and 60% feel pressured to present an idealized self for likes and followers3. In this nonstop digital stage, every scroll, post, and reaction wires directly into the neurons shaping a teen’s self-concept. Physical appearance is central to many teens’ identities, and social feeds are flooded with airbrushed ideals. Internal Meta research4 leaked in 2021 revealed 32% of teen girls said Instagram made them feel worse about their bodies. Add to that nighttime scrolling, KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital (2024)5 found each extra hour of screen use after 10 p.m. raises next-day mood-swing odds by 21%. A sleep-deprived brain struggles with memory consolidation and self-reflection, processes vital for a coherent self-image, rendering teens more vulnerable to comparison and self-critique. Algorithms can also amplify harmful behaviors as identity expressions. In the Center for Countering Digital Hate’s Deadly by Design (2022) report6, new teen TikTok accounts encountered self-harm content within 2.6 minutes, and after 30 minutes, one in three videos promoted self-injury or suicide. Likewise, a December 2024 CCDH study7 of YouTube recommendations found one-third of suggested videos contained harmful eating-disorder content, and 81% were not age-restricted. These loops trap vulnerable teens in a damage-defined identity, where pain and deprivation become badges of belonging. Community and Exploration It’s not all negative. Digital spaces can offer critical support for identity exploration, particularly for teens who feel marginalized offline. Online communities around neurodiversity, LGBTQIA+ experiences, or niche interests allow adolescents to test labels, find peers, and receive affirmation they might lack in real life. For example, transition narratives on TikTok help gender-questioning youth learn terminology, access resources, and spot role models. When stories of gender euphoria, the joy and comfort of affirmed identity, are shared online, some teens gain the language and confidence to live authentically. The key is ensuring these affirming narratives support rather than prescribe any one pathway. Autonomy Under Threat A stable identity requires privacy and agency over one’s own story. Yet Europol’s EU-SOCTA 2025 report8 highlights a 1,400% surge in AI-generated nude images of minors as deepfake tools proliferate. In response, schools in Europe and North America now run “deepfake drills” to teach students how to spot synthetic abuse and report incidents. Simultaneously, every tap and like is harvested as data capital: TikTok was fined €345 million in 20239 for mishandling under-16 data , and by age 13, the average U.S. teen accumulates 72 million data points that shape ads, credit offers, and even college recruitment. These incursions can leave teens feeling exposed, monitored, and reduced to a data profile, undermining self-determination. Building Resilient Identities Parents can’t, and shouldn’t, unplug technology. Instead, we can transform digital pressures into opportunities for intentional identity work using the these tips: 1. Presence: Weekly 5-minute Tech Tours where teens guide parents through their favorite apps, validating interests and spotting harmful patterns together. 2. Educate: explain algospeak and data harvesting, teaching teens they’re authors of their digital profiles, not products of them. 3. Agreements: Co-create a Family Tech Charter with mutually agreed limits (e.g., bedtime Downtime, screen-free zones) to bolster self-regulation. 4. Role-model: Demonstrate healthy detachment, charge devices outside bedrooms and share your own Screen Time stats openly. 5. Support and Boundaries: Bookmark crisis lines (SOS: +65 7672 4357; IMH helpline: 6389 2222) and enable in-app filters to safeguard mental health. 6. Alternatives: Encourage one daily offline “dopamine” activities (like sports, music, volunteering) to anchor identity beyond screens. The Takeaway: Authentic Selfhood in a Digital Age Technology can accelerate identity exploration and foster creative communities, but without guidance, it can also narrow, distort, and commodify self-concept. By weaving together clinical insight, data-driven understanding, and collaborative strategies, parents can guide teens toward authentic, resilient identities, both online and off. References 1 Mozilla Foundation. “TikTok: Unpacking Algorithmic Personalization.” Mozilla Research , April 2024. https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/research/tiktok-algorithmic-personalization-study/ 2 CNA & Institute of Policy Studies. “Singapore teenagers spend nearly 8.5 hours per day on screens.” Channel News Asia , January 2025. https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/screen-time-devices-survey-teens-spend-daily-stress-490828 3 Pew Research Center. “Teens, Social Media & Technology 2023.” Pew Research Center , October 2023. https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/10/25/teens-social-media-technology-2023/ 4 The Wall Street Journal. “Facebook Knows Instagram Is Toxic for Teen Girls, Company Documents Show.” September 2021. https://www.wsj.com/articles/facebook-knows-instagram-is-toxic-for-teen-girls-company-documents-show-11631620739 5 KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital. “Screen Use and Sleep Patterns in Adolescents.” Journal of Pediatric Sleep , March 2024. https://www.kkh.com.sg/health-information/child-screen-time-sleep-study 6 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). Deadly by Design . December 2022. https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/CCDH-Deadly-by-Design_120922.pdf 7 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). YouTube’s Anorexia Algorithm: Key Findings . November 2024. https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/CCDH.YoutubeED.Nov24.Report_FINAL.pdf 8 Europol. European Serious and Organised Crime Threat Assessment (EU-SOCTA) 2025 . March 2025. https://www.europol.europa.eu/activities-services/main-reports/eu-socta-2025 9 Irish Data Protection Commission. “TikTok Fined €345 Million for Breaching GDPR.” DPC News , September 2023. https://www.dataprotection.ie/en/news-media/tiktok-gdpr-345m-fine
When James* (not his real name) walked into my office still holding his motorcycle helmet, he laughed sheepishly. "My wife hates this thing," he said, nodding at the matte-black shell in his arms. "She thinks I’m reckless. But I don’t ride for the danger. I ride because it’s the one place I can think. It clears my head." His eyes lit up as he described a weeklong ride he’d taken the year before along the Mae Hong Son loop in Northern Thailand with a group of friends. He told me how every twist in the road felt like freedom. "That adrenaline makes me feel powerful," he admitted. "And I feel like I’m supposed to give that part up." This wasn’t just about motorcycles. This was about what made him feel most alive and whether there was room for that part of him in the marriage. As we learnt more about the layers of their dynamic, a pattern emerged: James adjusted himself to avoid conflict. He skipped out on group rides, sold one of his bikes, made himself smaller, hoping this would preserve peace. Meanwhile, his wife, who deeply feared for his safety, viewed these concessions not as love, but as overdue maturity. I still remember the moment James asked, in despair, "How much more do I have to give up for this to work?" It’s easy to overlook how love can subtly ask us to trade parts of ourselves away. When the road that once gave you joy becomes a source of tension at home, when your values and interests feel incompatible with your relationship, what are you really being asked to let go of? How do we know when we’re adapting for love, or slowly disappearing inside it? When Compromise Turns Into Self Loss In long-term relationships, some flexibility is necessary. Two adults will never agree on everything. But there’s a difference between adjusting with integrity and eroding your identity. When compromise becomes chronic accommodation, it can stop feeling like love and starts feeling like self-loss. Most people don’t abandon their needs overnight. The erosion happens in small, well-meaning increments. You learn to read the room. You anticipate disappointment. You shrink in the name of "keeping the peace." Some clients tell me they’ve always been the reliable one, so they suppress their disappointment to keep the relationship steady. Others confuse love with self-sacrifice, believing that asking for too much will threaten the relationship. And many simply never learned that their emotional needs were valid to begin with, let alone how to express them. The danger lies in how socially sanctioned these behaviors are. Excessive compromising often masquerades as emotional intelligence or resilience - until the quiet resentment sets in. In my work with clients, I strive to help them unpack not just what they’ve agreed to but why they said yes in the first place. Sometimes it stems from early beliefs about their worth being tied to how easy they are to love. Sometimes, it’s an unconscious habit of keeping harmony at any cost. And often, it’s because no one ever asked them what they needed, so they learned not to ask either. How to Tell When You’re Compromising Too Much It is quite hard to know when the line has been crossed. Here are some common indicators. Healthy compromise should feel like a mutual effort that still honors your core. When it starts to feel like self-censorship, quiet resentment, or emotional shrinking, something needs attention. Ask yourself: Do I still recognize myself in this relationship? When I tried setting boundaries, does my partner listen or shut me down? Have I stopped asking for what matters because it feels like more trouble than it’s worth? When I adapt, does it come from a place of love or fear? Am I growing in this relationship, or becoming smaller within it? These questions cut deeper than the surface frustrations. They ask you to look at the structure you’ve built and whether it still honors the life you envisioned. If You’re Already Caught in the Cycle Start with reconnecting to your internal compass. When was the last time you felt fully yourself? What parts of you have gone quiet? Name your core emotional needs, in terms of what you value. These are not luxuries; they’re the roots of relational sustainability. Invite your partner in. Speak before the resentment calcifies. Use affirming language: “I miss the part of me that felt light and spontaneous. I want to bring that back into our relationship, and I need your help to do that.” And finally, stop trying to fix old patterns with old tools. If the usual ways of working things out aren’t helping, it’s time to step back and rethink the setup, not just who does what, but how you show up for each other and what kind of life you’re building together. Back to the helmet When James came in last week, he was still riding. Just less often, more thoughtfully. He told me they had started a new habit: each week, they share one thing they’ve done to support the other’s core needs, and one thing they hope for moving forward. “She still nags at me about my riding,” he said with a half-smile. “But now, she listens. And I’m starting to get why her sense of safety is tied to care, not control.” They’re not finished. But they’re just beginning to rewrite what healthy compromise looks like. It’s not perfect agreement, but a shared effort to make room for both people to matter. By Esther Oon-Bybjerg esther@counselingperspective.com
