How to Reconnect and Rekindle Romance with Your Partner

Dr. Glenn Graves, PhD



I often hear my clients saying how they caught up with an old friend they hadn’t talked to in years and it was like “no time had passed”. I have experienced the same and it amazes me how the beauty of old friendships can be preserved over time.


I have reflected on this time of Covid-19, and how this pandemic is impacting the community and in particular, couples. It strikes me that many of my couples counseling clients, prior to Covid-19, would describe their partner with a melancholic meandering, as the old friend they once had, who is now more like a stranger or even antagonist at times. They feel alone in the marriage and household, struggling with time management and work life balance and the majority complain about the lack of time with their kids or spouse, or more importantly their self. Then came Covid-19 and suddenly the Universe granted everyone’s wish, Right? Sadly this has caused great challenge for these partnered strangers now being housebound and “imprisoned” in the same shelter.


I believe in the art of reframe and tend to see this situation as a new opportunity for what Esther Perel calls mating in captivity. It is my deepest wish that all couple’s whether you are housebound together or apart, attempt to reframe this situation to take advantage of this rare opportunity. I know this is easier said than done and suddenly being thrust into a house with a veritable stranger is daunting, but this stranger is only a stranger because one or both let things drift. This person who you met at the pub or church or at a friend’s house party, or at work, used to ignite something in you. This person took your attention and became a priority, at least for a while, until the marriage ceremony or move in was complete. It is easy for couples to drift, especially after kids are brought into their worlds, but the majority of that original person (focus of your desire) is still intact and still there, just more shell shocked perhaps.


The good news is most relationships can be considered organic in the notion that growth comes from nurturing. If you were seeking enlightenment, you might spend more time in focused meditation or chanting mantras, if you wanted a deeper walk in your spiritual world you would spend more time in study, or deep contemplation and reverent honoring of the belief system. Why can’t we apply the same to relationships? If we allow the dynamic to become two people in a power play for the household, we can imagine where that will end up. This is especially the case, if one has been typically running the show already. So let’s step back and re-invest in the before-kids-vision of the couple’s relationship, when you could laugh and dream, and were constantly pursuing affection with the other. Trust me, the kids want this atmosphere as well.


The miscommunications, attitudes, and hurtful acts which have occurred in the ensuing years and which have created this vast divide, were just part of an unhealthy intimacy. It’s not your fault. Nobody explained how to handle the first 10 years of marriage and kids. This circuit breaker is meant to power down the old energy source. It’s meant to create a pause, and repair, then force a reboot to the system, bringing new energy and new charge!


Here are some ideas I would like all couples of Covid-19 to explore during circuit breaker: 


Partner A: You were a hunter for your partner once. In that state of want and pursuit, you were incredibly creative. Remember? You were gallant and chivalrous and adventurous and expressive, and romantic and very clever when planning your seduction. Now is your chance to bring that back. If you can’t be inspired by your partner because too much drifting has taken place, then let it be an exercise towards “enlightenment”. Take the first steps without knowing what will come of it, but knowing what you want to come of it. Or do it for the pure fun of being creative, in a way that benefits your partner.


  • If you are in the house together or if circuit breaker has you apart, look around the house. Be MacGyver for a moment. What furnishings, foods, toys, could help you create a spontaneous and romantic getaway, while in the same house. A staycation at home so to speak. Perhaps pick a place you have always wanted to travel to together and create it. A trip around the world can be brought to the living room through YouTube HD drone videos of most countries of the world, cuisine of any country can be made in your kitchen or ordered in. Costumes or local flair is easy to find in your closet when you really need to impress her. Additional props are strewn throughout the house from those souvenirs and trinkets you picked up and always wondered how you would use them.

Partner B, when we look at the 5 love languages the majority of the men I’ve met would say that Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are their preferred ways of receiving love. So at least express one of these during this housebound era.


  • Create an authentic way to offer affirmation. Choose three things you like about your partner and offer this observation or insight with them. Even if it’s what John Gottman calls Positivity in Conflict, find a way to praise. This is when you would say what is good about this thing you want changed. For example, “Honey, I can overhear how amazing you are with your colleagues. You are so patient and kind when you are handling challenges with them, and I can imagine how much they all respect you”. I don’t feel the same kind of kind energy from you when we face challenges recently. What do you think is interfering with us? The tone you use to deliver this has to be sincere. Try to choose a positive statement that you actually believe and deliver the conflict part of the statement in the same genuine tone, so it won’t come across as sarcasm or condescending.


  • *This might seem like a passive way to seduce your partner but trust me, men have natural desires and in most cases are just trying to clear the obstacles to fulfilling that desire. If they feel undervalued or even worse, irrelevant, this is an obstacle.


For both partners, take responsibility for the relationship with this other human being. This person had dreams and hopes before meeting you. They had loving family who want the best for them. This dreamer is still alive and trying to live a life of value without getting lost in the process. Help them find their way, as you had promised once. 


  • Both parties can consider what lifts their spirits or builds on their resources. Make a list and see which areas match. Maybe it’s a music genre you both love, or a faith/practice (religion, yoga, meditation, etc.) you have been wanting to explore, then plan the activity together. These are all available online. Remember the things that can hurt us like sexual disconnection, value conflicts, can also be re-aligned and bring intimacy. Even financial re-visioning can bring a form of intimacy as it links directly to safety and security and shared dreaming. 


  • Massage is another I highly recommend especially because social physical connection is the one thing we are all craving the most at a time like this. A sensual massage conveys attraction, care, desire and is ultimately a very loving act in itself. Obviously both parties can offer this to the other. This is the most direct way of nurturing the organic love. 


Remember, if we are creating safety, investing in trust building behaviors, and offering adventures in our sincere pursuit of each other, the rest should flow naturally. The suggestion above are not intended to imply you should return to your partner, as a representative from the past (the old you). It is okay that you have evolved and changed, but let this new situation bring a new conversation with an old friend. Take time to get to know this person you chose so many years ago. The ideas above are just a few ways to kickstart the new adventure. This global social distancing initiative is a beautiful and very rare opportunity to revisit and reconnect with your old friend and life partner. Move away from melancholy towards magic moments in the present, while creating new memories for the future.


Carpe Diem!


About the Author: Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

Navigating Anxiety in Children

By Bernardette Yzelman • 02 May, 2024
Anxiety in children can manifest in various ways, and more often than not, a child might not have the language to communicate what they are experiencing. Signs of anxiety in children can take the form of: Physical : Complaints of headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, muscle tension, trembling, or other physical discomforts without any underlying medical cause. Emotional : Heightened emotions such as irritability, moodiness, or frequent crying. Behavioral: Changes in behavior such as increased or recently developed avoidance of certain situations or activities, increased clinginess to caregivers, or becoming withdrawn from social interactions. Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares. Academic Challenges : Difficulties with staying focused which impacts their studies or a fear of going to school altogether. Just as we coach our children to take their first step, parents and caregivers are their children's first role models in how to respond to the stressors in our lives. While everyone's situation is unique, there are some things that all of us can do to be better coaches for our children who are dealing with anxiety! Create a Supportive Environment : Encourage your child to express their feelings and fears openly. Listen attentively and validate their emotions without judgment. Talk to them about when worry and fear, can be helpful or unhelpful. Let them know that it is okay to feel anxious and that you will support them through it. Model Healthy Coping Strategies : Teach your child simple relaxation techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing (breathing in through the nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven counts, and breathing out for eight counts). For little ones, blowing bubbles or having them imagine that they are blowing bubbles can be a fun alternative. Another technique is to ground your senses in the present moment by acknowledging five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and, one thing you can taste. If keeping count is difficult or distracting, you can get them to name as many things as they can see/hear/smell/touch. Children often learn by example, so let your child witness you practicing these techniques to manage anxiety in your own life. Establish Routines : Creating regular routines for meals, bedtime, and daily activities, provides a sense of stability and security. Encourage Independence : Avoidance perpetuates the cycle of anxiety. Where possible, encourage your child to gradually face their anxieties and develop independence. Help them build resilience by praising their efforts and successes, no matter how small.  If your child's anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, or perhaps, you're struggling to cope with your own anxiety and supporting your child concurrently, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A counsellor or therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your unique needs and circumstances. Parenting is a journey, and we all experience stumbles along the way. Be patient with yourself and your child, and celebrate the progress you make together!

How to Improve Sleep Quality?

By Jeannette Qhek • 26 Apr, 2024
Are you frequently fatigued in the morning, even after getting ample hours of sleep at night? While it can be a frustrating situation, there may be a simple explanation: you might be having poor sleep quality. Poor sleep quality can lead to a variety of health problems, including weight gain, depression, and heart disease. Identifying the reasons for insufficient sleep is straightforward, but determining why our sleep isn’t restful is often trickier. Nonetheless, it is still possible to do so. This article explores the importance of sleep quality, potential causes of poor sleep, and offers strategies to enhance your sleep quality. Why is Sleep Quality Important? During sleep, the body undergoes important physiological processes that are necessary for various functions such as cognitive functioning, immune function, and physical health. Here are a few reasons why sleep quality is important: 1. Allow Our Bodies to Repair and Restore When we sleep, our bodies release hormones that promote tissue growth and repair, as well as regulate our metabolism and immune system. This means that if we don't get good quality sleep, our bodies may not be able to repair themselves properly, leaving us vulnerable to a variety of physical health issues. 2. Keep Our Mental Health in Check Studies have shown that poor sleep quality is associated with a higher risk of depression and anxiety. Individuals with poor sleep quality were more likely to experience negative emotions and less likely to experience positive emotions the following day [1]. With poor sleep quality, we may also feel irritable, moody, and find it difficult to concentrate, which can negatively impact our overall wellbeing and productivity. 3. Maintain a Healthy Weight When we don't get enough quality sleep, our bodies produce more of the hormone ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, and less of the hormone leptin, which tells our bodies that we are full. This can lead to overeating and weight gain. What Could be Causing Your Poor Sleep? Several factors may contribute to poor sleep quality, including: Stress: High levels of stress can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. Poor Sleep Habits: Irregular sleep schedules, excessive caffeine or alcohol consumption, and using electronic devices before bedtime can all interfere with sleep. Environmental Factors: Noise, light, and temperature can all affect sleep quality. Not everyone has the luxury of getting a good night's sleep. Sleep disorders like insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome can further impair sleep quality. If you are having trouble sleeping, speak with your healthcare provider to identify any underlying conditions and determine the best course of treatment. How to Improve Your Sleep Quality? The good news is that enhancing the quality of our sleep might be as simple as improving our sleep hygiene. Similar to maintaining dental hygiene by regularly brushing and flossing, we can improve our sleep hygiene by adopting these few ideas: 1. Regular Sleep Schedule One way is to establish a regular sleep schedule, which means going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Individuals who maintained a consistent sleep schedule had better cognitive performance and were less likely to experience mood disturbances compared to those with an irregular sleep schedule [2]. 2. Sleep-friendly Environment Creating a sleep-friendly environment entails keeping our bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. This can help minimise distractions and make it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night. 3. Relaxing Bedtime Routine Heard of the 3-2-1 technique for better sleep? It is an effective method that can help you to wind down and get ready for sleep. Here are the steps: 3 - Wind Down: Spend 3 minutes winding down before bedtime by engaging in a calming activity, such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or practising relaxation techniques like deep breathing or gentle stretching. 2 - Unplug: Spend 2 minutes unplugging from electronic devices, such as phones, laptops, and tablets. The blue light emitted by these devices can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep. 1 - Visualise: Spend 1 minute visualising yourself in a peaceful and comfortable sleeping environment. Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and comfortable, sinking deeper and deeper into a peaceful sleep. Let’s not forget that when it comes to our overall health and wellbeing, good sleep quality is just as important as getting enough sleep. By establishing healthy sleep habits, such as maintaining a regular sleep schedule, creating a relaxing bedtime routine, and a sleep-friendly environment, we can improve the quality of our sleep and reap the benefits of a good night's rest! About the Writer Jeannette Qhek is a dedicated Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Counselling Perspective , where she guides individuals towards mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, she serves as the Wellbeing Strategy Lead and Trainer at Actxa Wellness , curating and delivering science-backed wellness curriculum and wellbeing programs/ workshops for corporations. As the founder of Chill By Nette , a wellness space in Singapore, she offers trauma-informed counselling services and enriching wellness workshops. With more than 6 years of experience in the corporate wellness industry and a deep passion for individual well-being, she hopes to make psychological concepts and wellness research knowledge more accessible, relatable and fun to the public Connect more with Jeannette Qhek and book a session here . References [1] Mauss, I. B., Troy, A. S., & LeBourgeois, M. K. (2013). Poorer sleep quality is associated with lower emotion-regulation ability in a laboratory paradigm. Cognition & emotion , 27(3), 567–576. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2012.727783 [2] Alhola, P., & Polo-Kantola, P. (2007). Sleep deprivation: Impact on cognitive performance. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment , 3(5), 553–567. 

AUTISM AND NEURODIVERSITY AFFIRMING APPROACH TO EATING

By Claudia Correia • 26 Apr, 2024
Eating habits and preferences can vary widely across individuals, and this is especially true for those on the autism spectrum. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication, social interaction, and behaviour. It is characterized by a wide range of symptoms and behaviours, which can include difficulties with sensory processing, repetitive behaviours, and challenges with communication and social interaction. In recent years, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of adopting an affirming approach to eating for individuals with autism. This approach recognizes that people on the autism spectrum may have unique needs and preferences when it comes to food and eating, and that these needs should be respected and accommodated. About 90% of parents report to have feeding difficulties and 70% of Autistic children have atypical eating behaviours such as: · Selective eating · Strong food preferences · Rapid or slow eating · Lack of interested in eating · Loss of control while eating · Pocketing food in month This happens due to sensory processing difficulties; cognitive rigidity; social communication differences and/or poor executive function. Medications may also affect appetite and food intake. Also, some autistic individuals might experience interoceptive confusion, which means that they have difficulty to connect sense of hunger and/or satiety and fullness feeling and meal times. SO WHAT TO DO? Lower your expectations. Understand the challenges that your child goes through because of autism. Any force-feeding might lead to food trauma, sensory trauma (when forced to be in overwhelming environments) or traumatic childhood experiences. Accept that your neurodivergent child refusal to eat in a way that is accepted by society (neuronormative) is not because he/she is manipulative, maladapted. WHAT NOT TO DO? Don’t expect neuronormative family feeding practices to work on your child. It will only increase frustration and stress in your family. Don’t force feed your child – whether neurotypical or not. Don’t routinely reprimanded your child for authentic neurodivergent behaviours at table (rocking, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, clumsiness when using cutlery, problems swallowing food). Understand what are the coping mechanisms that your child uses to overcome the sensory overload that he/she is constantly facing. Look for strategies that will support this rather than persuading masking. NEUROAFFIRMING STRATEGIES Here are some tips – remember to use them if makes sense for your child. Discuss these with your healthcare professional and dietitian. · Set alarms to eat; · Use body doubling – eat with a friend, family member to support intake; · Change the size and timing of meals if needed to help with satiation experience; · While preference to eat might change, consider some of these (alert – can be very different from neuronormative “normal” feeding goals): o Quieter eating environment o Dimmable light o Avoid music or use a preferable music o Eat alone or use headphones when not possible o Eat in venues at times of the day that are less busy o Eat standing, walking, while laying down. Allow them to choose what works best to facilitate a pleasant eating experience o Eat which a distraction – sensory toys, iPad o Change textures of foods to match their preferences/unique sensory profile. If you are concerned about the variety of foods consumed, check with a dietitian that can support you. BE AWARE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE MORE PRESENT IN DIVERDIVERGENT INDIVIDUALS Eating disorders affect more neurodivergent individuals than neurotypicals. Here is some data: · In a study find our that 30% women seeking weight loss treatment were ADHD. Also, de dopamine de-regulation might lead to impulsivity and emotional distress that can increase the odds of loss of control while eating and binge eating. · 20-37% of individuals with anorexia nervosa are also autistic. · ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) accounts for 22.5% childhood eating disorders. 21% of ARFID patients are autistic. It affects only 0.3% of general population. If at any point you find that your child is developing an eating disorder or at risk, talk with your healthcare team. References: Cobbaert, L. & Rose, A. (2023). Eating Disorders and Neurodivergence: A Stepped Care Approach.
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