When Compromise Feels Like Losing Yourself: How to Know What’s Worth Adjusting For
By Esther Oon-Bybjerg
When James* (not his real name) walked into my office still holding his motorcycle helmet, he laughed sheepishly. "My wife hates this thing," he said, nodding at the matte-black shell in his arms. "She thinks I’m reckless. But I don’t ride for the danger. I ride because it’s the one place I can think. It clears my head."
His eyes lit up as he described a weeklong ride he’d taken the year before along the Mae Hong Son loop in Northern Thailand with a group of friends. He told me how every twist in the road felt like freedom. "That adrenaline makes me feel powerful," he admitted. "And I feel like I’m supposed to give that part up."
This wasn’t just about motorcycles. This was about what made him feel most alive and whether there was room for that part of him in the marriage. As we learnt more about the layers of their dynamic, a pattern emerged: James adjusted himself to avoid conflict. He skipped out on group rides, sold one of his bikes, made himself smaller, hoping this would preserve peace. Meanwhile, his wife, who deeply feared for his safety, viewed these concessions not as love, but as overdue maturity.
I still remember the moment James asked, in despair, "How much more do I have to give up for this to work?"
It’s easy to overlook how love can subtly ask us to trade parts of ourselves away. When the road that once gave you joy becomes a source of tension at home, when your values and interests feel incompatible with your relationship, what are you really being asked to let go of? How do we know when we’re adapting for love, or slowly disappearing inside it?
When Compromise Turns Into Self Loss
In long-term relationships, some flexibility is necessary. Two adults will never agree on everything. But there’s a difference between adjusting with integrity and eroding your identity. When compromise becomes chronic accommodation, it can stop feeling like love and starts feeling like self-loss.
Most people don’t abandon their needs overnight. The erosion happens in small, well-meaning increments. You learn to read the room. You anticipate disappointment. You shrink in the name of "keeping the peace."
Some clients tell me they’ve always been the reliable one, so they suppress their disappointment to keep the relationship steady. Others confuse love with self-sacrifice, believing that asking for too much will threaten the relationship. And many simply never learned that their emotional needs were valid to begin with, let alone how to express them. The danger lies in how socially sanctioned these behaviors are. Excessive compromising often masquerades as emotional intelligence or resilience - until the quiet resentment sets in.
In my work with clients, I strive to help them unpack not just what they’ve agreed to but why they said yes in the first place. Sometimes it stems from early beliefs about their worth being tied to how easy they are to love. Sometimes, it’s an unconscious habit of keeping harmony at any cost. And often, it’s because no one ever asked them what they needed, so they learned not to ask either.
How to Tell When You’re Compromising Too Much
It is quite hard to know when the line has been crossed. Here are some common indicators.
Healthy compromise should feel like a mutual effort that still honors your core. When it starts to feel like self-censorship, quiet resentment, or emotional shrinking, something needs attention.
Ask yourself:
- Do I still recognize myself in this relationship?
- When I tried setting boundaries, does my partner listen or shut me down?
- Have I stopped asking for what matters because it feels like more trouble than it’s worth?
- When I adapt, does it come from a place of love or fear?
- Am I growing in this relationship, or becoming smaller within it?
These questions cut deeper than the surface frustrations. They ask you to look at the structure you’ve built and whether it still honors the life you envisioned.
If You’re Already Caught in the Cycle
- Start with reconnecting to your internal compass. When was the last time you felt fully yourself? What parts of you have gone quiet?
- Name your core emotional needs, in terms of what you value. These are not luxuries; they’re the roots of relational sustainability.
- Invite your partner in. Speak before the resentment calcifies. Use affirming language: “I miss the part of me that felt light and spontaneous. I want to bring that back into our relationship, and I need your help to do that.”
- And finally, stop trying to fix old patterns with old tools. If the usual ways of working things out aren’t helping, it’s time to step back and rethink the setup, not just who does what, but how you show up for each other and what kind of life you’re building together.
Back to the helmet
When James came in last week, he was still riding. Just less often, more thoughtfully. He told me they had started a new habit: each week, they share one thing they’ve done to support the other’s core needs, and one thing they hope for moving forward.
“She still nags at me about my riding,” he said with a half-smile. “But now, she listens. And I’m starting to get why her sense of safety is tied to care, not control.”
They’re not finished. But they’re just beginning to rewrite what healthy compromise looks like. It’s not perfect agreement, but a shared effort to make room for both people to matter.
By Esther Oon-Bybjerg
As the year draws to a close, I find myself returning to the heart again and again. This year has been one of depth, gentleness, and profound inner shifts. For many, it wasn’t about chasing more but about softening into what’s already within. Through stillness or release, courage or quiet surrender, the path was deeply personal and profoundly shared. As I look back, my heart is full of gratitude for every soul who chose growth with openness and curiosity. Together, we shaped spaces of truth, safety, and heartfelt reconnection. Nurture Your Heart We began the year with Nurture Your Heart , a monthly workshop that invited both women and men to pause, reflect, and reconnect with their emotional landscape. It was a powerful reminder that growth begins with presence. In this space, we witnessed the heart’s full range: grief, joy, anger, longing, and allowed it all to be felt and held without judgment. Participants released years of emotional tension, reclaimed forgotten parts of themselves, and discovered a deeper sense of self-compassion. It was an honor to witness both men and women open, express, and support one another. We were reminded that there is strength in softness, and that being seen in our wholeness is one of the most healing gifts we can give and receive. Self-Mastery Another most meaningful experiences for me was co-facilitating our newly launched Self-Mastery Workshop . Creating a space for leaders to pause and realign with their deeper values felt especially powerful. The Harvard Business Review statistic that 95% of people believe they are self-aware but only 10–15% truly are resonated strongly throughout the day. I saw how much leaders yearn not only for clarity but also for the ability to lead with intention and alignment, rather than from autopilot or external pressure. What touched me most was witnessing the transformation that unfolded when we combined evidence-based leadership tools with grounding practices like breathwork, visualization, and reflection. The Energy Leadership™️ Assessment offered insight into personal patterns, while the holistic practices created space for participants to reconnect with themselves. By the end of the day, there was a palpable sense of clarity, alignment, and renewed purpose. It reminded me that self-mastery is ultimately about living and leading in harmony with our values, choosing, again and again, to act with intention and to align with who we truly are. Family Constellation: Seeing the Unseen and Let the Love Flow One of the most profound themes this year was the collective and individual journey that unfolded through our Family and Systemic Constellation workshops. This modality reveals the invisible threads that bind us to our family systems, often in ways we may not be consciously aware of. Patterns of suffering, disconnection, or limitation are not always ours alone to carry; they may belong to generations before us. In constellation work, we step into a sacred field where ancestral stories, unresolved grief, and hidden loyalties can surface gently and respectfully. Through this work, clients found relief from emotional burdens they couldn’t quite name, rediscovering belonging, compassion, and strength in their lineage. It was beautiful to witness how much can shift, not just in individuals, but in entire systems, when one person chooses to see with new eyes and feel with an open heart. Coaching, Sound Journey & Breathwork: Three Portals to the Self This year also offered a beautiful unfolding through three separate yet interwoven paths: Coaching, Sound Healing, and Yin Breathwork. Each of these modalities provided a different gateway into the inner world: meeting people where they were and allowing healing to unfold in organic, embodied ways. Coaching : This year, coaching became a space for profound personal and professional transformation. Whether I was working with individuals seeking emotional clarity or leaders and professionals navigating growth, conflict, or burnout, one thing remained consistent: coaching held up a mirror to what truly matters. It created room to pause, reflect, and reconnect, not just to goals, but to values. Time and again, I saw how high performance can mask deeper needs for alignment, meaning, and authentic leadership. Together, we untangled those threads. We built clear visions and action plans grounded in who my clients truly are and how they want to lead. Now, each client walks forward with clarity, intention, and a roadmap that aligns with their core values so they can lead and live on purpose. Coaching this year reminded me: it’s not just about doing more, but becoming more aligned, more grounded, and more fully yourself. Sound Healing : This year, Sound Healing became more than rest. It became a catalyst for deep inner shifts. Through the resonance of gongs, singing bowls, crystal bowls and chimes, clients were able to release tension held in the body, quiet the noise of the mind, and access a deeper state of awareness. The sound gently bypassed conscious thought and reached the places words couldn’t. Many described it as a feeling of “coming home” to themselves or being “held by something larger.” And the impact was undeniable. Clients left feeling lighter, clearer, more grounded. Across every session, the shift was evident: from overwhelm to ease, from disconnection to presence, from holding on to letting go. Sound didn’t just soothe. It transformed. This reminded me of the incredible intelligence of sound. How its vibrations carry the power to reach beyond words, to touch the unseen layers of our being, and to awaken healing from within. Sound is not just heard; it is felt, remembered, and lived. This deep knowing will continue to inspire and shape my journey ahead. Yin Breathwork : We created a gentle yet profound space for emotional release. Drawing from rebirthing traditions, Yin breathwork sessions invited clients to breathe through old patterns, energetic blockages, and emotions held within the body. The process was often deeply cathartic: tears, laughter, insight, and stillness naturally arose as the breath guided the way and the body felt safe to surrender. The sessions supported the release of what no longer served whether subtle energetic blocks, long-held tension, or trauma gently held beneath the surface. As breath moved through the body, it invited healing and renewal at a deep level, bringing clarity, relief, and a renewed sense of freedom. This year, Yin Breathwork reminded me of the quiet strength found in surrender: the way breath can gently connect with the subconscious, opening hidden layers beyond the reach of words. It showed how allowing ourselves to feel fully, with openness and compassion, can lead to profound healing and transformation. Trusting the breath is trusting the wisdom held deep within. The Path Ahead: Renewal & Expansion Personal growth is not a straight line. It’s layered. It spirals. It deepens with time. If this year has taught me anything, it’s this: our bodies carry wisdom, our hearts hold courage, and we are all capable of anything when we feel safe, supported, and ready. As we step into a new year, I hope you’ll carry these reminders: • You are not behind. • Rest is productive. • You are worthy of joy and ease. • Your journey is your own and it is enough. Coming in 2026: New Offerings, Deeper Connection Looking ahead, we’re thrilled to be launching new workshops and retreats in 2026, created especially for individuals, groups, and couples. These offerings will continue to honour the mind, body, heart, and spirit supporting emotional growth, relational healing, and spiritual awakening. Whether you're a leader seeking greater alignment, a couple longing for deeper connection, or an individual ready to step into your next chapter, we invite you to be part of this next evolution. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you this year whether in a circle, a constellation, on a breathwork mat, in a coaching room, within the vibrations of sound, or in a quiet moment of resonance. We’ve grown together, expanded our awareness, and returned to ourselves in deeper ways. With love and gratitude, Aki Tsukui Co-Founder, Elemental Wellness
At Elemental Wellness, we believe that healing is not a gendered experience. Healing is for humans. It happens when we allow space for the unsaid, the unseen, and the unfelt to emerge safely, gently, and without judgment. While women have often led the way in emotional exploration, more and more men are beginning to return to their hearts in search of deeper meaning, emotional freedom, and wholeness. This movement toward inner connection is quiet yet powerful. It reflects a shift in how men are redefining strength, no longer as suppression, but as presence. Recently, my fellow coach, Praveen Kaur, and I had the honor of hosting our monthly workshop Nurture Your Heart . During this session, a man courageously stepped into the space of vulnerability. A space often unfamiliar, yet deeply needed. His presence was grounding and symbolic. It reminded us that the male heart, too, longs for safety, softness, and connection. That when held with care, the masculine energy doesn’t dissolve into weakness. It melts into authenticity. The Unseen Weight Men Carry Culturally, many men are raised to be the protectors, providers, and rational thinkers. They’re taught to be strong, stoic, and solution-oriented. From a young age, the message is clear: be dependable, be productive, be in control. But few are ever asked: How do you feel? What do you need right now? Who are you beneath all the roles you perform? This lack of emotional permission often results in quiet suffering. For many men, anger is more acceptable than sadness. Numbness feels safer than vulnerability. And silence becomes a coping mechanism. A way to keep the inner chaos contained. Yet this emotional suppression has consequences. The cost of disconnection is immense: anxiety, burnout, physical tension, emotional withdrawal, and relationship breakdowns. Beneath these symptoms lies a universal truth: men have hearts that feel deeply. They, too, long to be seen, to rest, to release. When that truth is denied, the result is not resilience, but exhaustion. When it’s embraced, the result is transformation. The Session: Safe, Somatic, Intentional Our Nurture Your Heart workshops are designed as intentional pauses in the noise of everyday life: a space to breathe, release, and reconnect. For this particular session, we began with gentle grounding exercises, guiding our participant to anchor into his body through slow, conscious breath. The emphasis was not on “doing it right,” but on allowing. Allowing breath to move freely, allowing thoughts to quiet, and allowing the body to remember safety. Before we began, we asked a simple but powerful question: “How do you want to feel at the end of this session?” Without hesitation, he responded: “Calm my inner voice. Regain a sense of calmness and have mental peace and stability.” These words were not merely goals. They were intentions, anchors that set the emotional tone for the session. They echoed a common theme I often hear in sessions with men: a longing to quiet the mind, settle the nervous system, and return to inner stillness. As the session unfolded, his breath began to guide him inward. Through sound and energetic vibration, we worked gently to release the tension stored in his chest: the space where so many men hold unspoken worries and expectations. What surfaced was not dramatic, but deeply organic: a subtle softening, a quiet recognition of emotions long set aside. In that stillness, the body began to speak. The Power of Intention The question, “How do I want to feel at the end of this session?” , often appears simple, yet it carries profound transformative power. In this case, the intention became a mantra: • Calm my inner voice • Regain a sense of calmness • Have peace He repeated these words throughout the session, not from a place of desperation, but devotion. It was as if each repetition was a permission slip to be gentle with himself to remember that peace is not a luxury, but a right. By the end of the session, something had softened. His movements were slower, his breathing deeper. His face reflected quiet relief: the kind that comes not from fixing, but from feeling. He smiled, not just with his lips, but with his whole being. It was a reminder that when we create space for intention, healing follows naturally. The body knows how to return to balance when given time and safety. Witnessing Male Vulnerability Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with many male clients: C-suites, executives, entrepreneurs, fathers, sons, and creatives. Despite their differences, there’s a shared thread among them: a longing to be whole. Each time a man allows himself to be vulnerable, I am reminded of the immense courage it takes to unlearn decades of conditioning. These are not weak men. They are deeply reflective, resilient, and often incredibly hard on themselves. They’ve been taught to be logical, but not always intuitive. Assertive, but not expressive. Strategic, but not soft. And yet, when given permission to express fully, they often go deeper than they ever expected. One client once said, “I didn’t know I needed this.” Another told me after a coaching session, “I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.” The release that happens in these spaces isn’t just emotional. It’s somatic. Their bodies exhale. Their shoulders drop. Their hearts open. They stop performing and start being. And what they gain is not just momentary relief, but a new relationship with themselves. They begin to trust their own emotional wisdom. They communicate more clearly, connect more deeply, and lead from a place of groundedness. It’s not about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who they are beneath the noise. Holding Space for Men This work is not about “fixing” men. It’s about meeting them exactly where they are with tenderness, curiosity, and respect. We don’t ask them to become less masculine. We invite them to expand what masculinity can include: softness, sensitivity, stillness, and spirit. At Elemental Wellness, we believe the heart doesn’t need convincing. It needs permission. When men feel safe enough to lay down their armor, something extraordinary happens. They begin to reconnect not just with others, but with themselves. The Nurture Your Heart session for this client wasn’t about solving problems. It was about creating a sacred pause: a moment where he could simply be . No expectations, no judgment, no performance. In that pause, peace wasn’t something to strive for; it became something to remember. We often forget that healing doesn’t always come with grand gestures or dramatic breakthroughs. Sometimes, it begins with a single breath. Sometimes, it begins with saying, “I’m tired.” Sometimes, it begins with being seen. And in those moments, transformation unfolds quietly. An Invitation To the men who are holding it all together: this space is for you. You don’t need to say much. You don’t need to have the right words. Just start by showing up for yourself. At Elemental Wellness, we honor the fullness of your being. Whether you identify as strong, sensitive, guarded, or grounded, come as you are. We’ll meet you there.
How Are You, Really? October marks a natural turning point in the year. The year has substantially passed and is coming to an end, and there’s a quiet invitation to slow down, take stock and turn inward. It’s a time of transition—a time that reflects what many of us feel but rarely give ourselves the time and space to acknowledge or process. This makes October a fitting month for World Mental Health Day , observed each year on October 10th . While it’s an important time for raising awareness globally, it’s also a deeply personal reminder: our mental health matters, and we need to take ownership to prioritize the same as intentionally as we do our physical health. With the pre-occupation of day-to-day life, where productivity and performance often take centre stage, we can easily lose sight of how we’re really feeling and what we really need. This October, I invite you to slow down.
Take a deep breath.
And ask yourself: How am I, really? Mental Health Is Everyday Health Mental health is not a luxury. Neither is it something reserved for people in crisis or with mental illness. It’s something we all own, and something we all need to look after and maintain—just like our physical wellbeing. Some days, our mental health feels steady and clear. Other days, it may feel shaky, foggy, or heavy. That fluctuation is normal. But if you’ve noticed that the tough days are starting to outweigh the better ones—or if you’ve been feeling disconnected, anxious, exhausted, or simply “not yourself” for a while—it may be time to check in more deeply. The truth is, many people struggle silently or ignore the warning signs. According to the World Health Organization, an estimated 1 in 4 people worldwide will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. And yet, stigma, shame, busyness and misconceptions still prevent many from seeking support. Common Myths About Mental Health Let’s take a moment to challenge a few common myths that often keep people from getting help: • “I should be able to handle this on my own.”
While resilience is admirable, no one is meant to carry their emotional struggle alone. Seeking help or support is not an act of coward, or a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is an act of taking ownership and responsibility for our own mental health, and an act of courage to face the issue. Just as you’d seek help for a broken bone, it’s okay to seek support for emotional pain or mental unwellness too. • “My problems aren’t serious enough, other people in similar situation are going through the same thing.”
Therapy or mental check-in isn’t just for people in crisis. Many clients seek support for stress, burnout, relationships, transitions, or just to better understand themselves. If it’s impacting you in any way, it’s valid. Especially so if it has been affecting your general wellbeing for some time. Only you know how you feel, and how you are being impacted. There is no one universal baseline for everyone, each of us is unique. • “If I talk about it, I will feel worse.”
The opposite is often true. Recognising and naming what you’re feeling and being heard by a trusted person, or a professional in a safe space can bring incredible cathartic relief. The added advantage of seeking therapy with professional therapists is that you will not feel judged, instead you feel safe and heard, and will also achieve clarity as to your feelings and thinking. This clarity will go a long way to help you navigate through your struggles. Simple Ways to Support Your Mental Health This Month Whether you’re in a difficult season or simply wanting to stay emotionally grounded, here are some gentle practices you could try to support your mental wellbeing: 1. Create Intentional Pauses Take 2–5 minutes each day to check in with yourself. How’s your body feeling? What emotions are present? Just noticing and acknowledging, without judgment, is powerful. It means that you are paying attention to yourself, and recognising how you feel bodily and emotionally. 2. Move Your Body, Gently You don’t need an intense workout. Even a walk outside or light stretching can release tension and help bring your focus back to yourself. Bonus if you could get some fresh air and sunlight in the process too, which are vital to boost your mood. 3. Limit Mental Overload If you are suffering from mental overload, your nervous system needs breaks to recalibrate. You may have too many things you want done or expected to get done, try to organize and only focus on what really needs to be done currently , so that you can declutter and lighten the mental overload. Learning how to prioritise in our fast-paced life is important. Also try reducing overstimulation from excessive screen time, social media, news, or constant multitasking. 4. Reach Out and Connect Call a friend. Reach out to someone for a catch-up. Let someone know how you’re doing. Be interested in what’s going with someone’s life. You might be surprised how much it helps to connect with and talk to someone. 5. Get Support from a Professional There’s no shame in talking to a therapist. In fact, therapy can be one of the most empowering choices you make. It’s a safe and confidential space to explore your thoughts, process difficult emotions, and learn useful tools to navigate life more effectively. Therapy Is Not a Last Resort—It’s a Powerful Resource As a psychotherapist, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside people through their most challenging seasons. And I’ve seen time and time again how people uncover or re-discover their inner resilience when they feel safe, heard, understood, and supported. Therapy offers more than just a place to vent. It’s a space where healing can happen. Where self-awareness can deepen. Where you can reconnect with your own wisdom and inner resources. Self-care Isn’t Selfish—It’s Essential In our culture, especially in caregiving roles or high-pressure environments, it’s easy to internalize the message that taking care of yourself is weak or selfish. But burnout, emotional numbness, and chronic stress don’t just affect you—they impact your relationships, your health, and your ability to show up fully for your loved ones. When you care for your mental health, everyone around you benefits. You become more grounded, more present, and more available—to yourself and others. So let’s rewrite the narrative: Checking in with oneself isn’t being self-indulgent. It’s being responsible. Final Thoughts If you’ve been navigating life’s demands on your own and wondering whether you could benefit from talking to someone—this is your invitation. Whether you’re processing a recent loss, dealing with anxiety, exploring your identity, or simply feeling stuck, therapy can be a life-changing space for self-discovery, healing and growth. World Mental Health Day is a powerful reminder, but mental health care isn’t a one-day event. It’s an ongoing practice of listening inward, paying attention to your body and emotions, and knowing that you can exercise your own agency in seeking support. If you’re looking for a place to begin, we are here. As therapists, we offer a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore what’s been weighing on your heart and mind. You don’t have to carry it all alone. If you would like to speak to me, or one of our therapists, feel free to contact us at [email protected] . Pause. Check In. Reflect. Heal. Your wellbeing matters. And you are not alone .
