counseling-perspective

The Beauty and Complexity of Family: Healing the Flow of Love

Thu, 02 Apr 2026 04:16:57 GMT

Family is often where love begins. It is our first experience of connection, belonging, and identity. Within the family system, we learn how to give and receive love, how to relate to others, and how to see ourselves in the world. At its best, family can be a place of deep nourishment: a source of strength, safety, and unconditional support.

And yet, for many of us, family can also feel complicated.

There may be moments of tension that seem disproportionate, patterns that repeat across generations, or emotional burdens that are difficult to explain. We may find ourselves reacting in ways we don’t fully understand, feeling responsible for others in ways that feel heavy, or struggling to step into our own lives freely.

This is because family is not just about the people we see. It is also about the invisible threads that connect us across generations.

The Hidden Dynamics of Family

Every family system carries a history. Alongside love, there may also be unresolved grief, unspoken pain, losses that were never fully processed, and experiences that were too overwhelming to be integrated at the time.

These experiences do not simply disappear.

Instead, they often live on within the system, quietly shaping the dynamics of future generations. This can show up as what we call entanglements—where one family member, often unconsciously, carries emotions, roles, or burdens that do not fully belong to them.

For example, a child may feel an unexplained sadness that mirrors a grandparent’s unresolved grief. Someone may take on the role of “holding the family together,” even at the expense of their own well-being. Others may struggle with relationships, self-worth, or a sense of belonging, without understanding the deeper roots of these experiences.

These patterns are not signs that something is “wrong” with us.

Rather, they reflect a deep loyalty to our family system.

At an unconscious level, there is often a desire to remain connected, to belong, to honor those who came before us, and to ensure that no one in the system is forgotten.

The Flow of Love

In family constellation work, there is a concept known as the flow of love.

Love, in its natural state, flows from those who came before to those who come after: from parents to children, and from ancestors to descendants. When this flow is unobstructed, it supports a sense of grounding, vitality, and ease. We feel supported by what came before us, while being free to move forward into our own lives.

However, when there are disruptions, such as trauma, exclusion, or unresolved events, the flow of love can become blocked or distorted.

For example:

When a child feels the need to care for a parent emotionally, the natural order is reversed.
When a family member is excluded or not acknowledged, others in the system may unconsciously “represent” them.
When trauma is not processed, its emotional imprint may be carried by future generations.

These disruptions are not caused by a lack of love.

In fact, they are often expressions of love: just in forms that have become entangled.

Understanding Intergenerational Trauma

What we often refer to as “intergenerational trauma” is the transmission of emotional experiences, survival patterns, and coping mechanisms across generations.

This can include:

Loss and grief that were never fully expressed
War, displacement, or migration experiences
Family secrets or hidden histories
Patterns of abandonment, rejection, or emotional absence
Survival strategies that once served a purpose but are no longer needed

These experiences can shape how individuals relate to themselves and others, often outside of conscious awareness.

It is important to approach this with compassion.

Our ancestors did the best they could with the resources they had. Many carried burdens that were too great to process at the time. What we experience today is often a continuation of those unfinished stories, not as a burden to blame, but as an invitation to bring awareness and healing.

Family Constellation: Bringing the Invisible to Light

Family constellation work offers a powerful way to explore these hidden dynamics.

Through this approach, individuals are able to “map” their family system and observe the relationships, patterns, and entanglements that may be present. What is often revealed is not just personal, but systemic showing how individual experiences are connected to a larger family context.

Another important principle in this work is that everyone belongs. This includes not only those we know and remember, but also those who may have been forgotten, excluded, or never spoken about—such as miscarried or aborted children, former partners, or family members who experienced difficult fates. Even if their stories were hidden or unknown, they remain part of the family system. When someone is excluded, the system often seeks balance by unconsciously including them through another member. Gently acknowledging and giving each person their rightful place allows the system to settle, restoring a deeper sense of harmony and connection.

One of the most profound aspects of this work is that it allows what has been unseen to be acknowledged.

When forgotten or excluded members are recognized, when grief is given space, and when each person is seen in their rightful place within the system, something begins to shift.

The system moves toward balance.

The flow of love is restored, not by changing the past, but by relating to it differently.

Returning What Is Not Ours

A key part of healing within the family system is learning to gently release what does not belong to us.

This does not mean rejecting our family or disconnecting from our roots. Rather, it is about honoring our connection while allowing each person to carry their own experiences.

This can look like:

Recognizing when we are holding emotions that may not fully be ours
Releasing the need to fix or carry others
Acknowledging our parents and ancestors as they are, without needing them to be different
Taking our place as the next generation, receiving life and moving forward

There is a quiet strength in this process.

It allows us to remain connected, while also reclaiming our own path.

The Possibility of Healing

Healing within the family system does not require perfection.

It begins with awareness.

As we become more conscious of the patterns we carry, we create space for choice. We are no longer moving purely from inherited dynamics: we are able to respond with intention, presence, and clarity.

This is where transformation happens.

When we restore the natural flow of love, we not only support our own well-being. We also create a shift for future generations. The patterns that once repeated can begin to soften. The burdens that were once carried can be laid down.

In this way, healing is both personal and collective.

Honoring Where We Come From

Family is not always simple.

It can be a place of great beauty and deep challenge. It can hold both love and pain, connection and complexity.

To truly engage with family is to embrace both aspects: to honor the love that exists, while also acknowledging the parts that are difficult.

When we do this with openness and compassion, we create the possibility for something new.

We begin to relate to our family not just from habit or conditioning, but from awareness.

And from this place, love can flow more freely supporting us as we step into our own lives, while staying rooted in where we come from.

There is a quiet wisdom within every family system, always moving toward balance and wholeness. When we are willing to turn toward what has been unseen with openness and respect, healing begins to unfold in its own time and way. As the flow of love is restored, we find ourselves both deeply rooted and gently freed: able to walk forward in life supported by those who came before us, rather than bound by what was left unresolved.

For those who feel called to explore this work more deeply, we offer Family Constellation sessions in a variety of formats, including in-person and online, as well as individual and group settings, creating safe and supportive spaces for this gentle yet powerful process of healing and reconnection.

Beyond the Nervous System Reset

Wed, 18 Mar 2026 13:36:02 GMT

In recent years, the language of the “nervous system reset” has become increasingly common in wellbeing spaces.

Guided relaxation sessions, breathwork classes, meditation workshops, and practices such as NSDR (Non‑Sleep Deep Rest) are often presented as opportunities to step out of stress and return the body to a calmer state.

In many ways, this reflects something positive. For people living and working in high‑pressure environments, simply discovering that the nervous system can settle - even temporarily - can be an important experience.

When the mind quiets and the body softens, many people realise something they may not have known before: calm is actually possible.

Spaces that support rest, reflection, and nervous system regulation can therefore be valuable. They offer a pause in a world that rarely stops moving.

But the popularity of the “reset” also reveals something deeper about the conditions many people are living under.

For many professionals, life can begin to feel like a cycle of pressure followed by brief relief. A demanding week leads to a meditation class, a breathwork session, a yoga practice, or a relaxation workshop. For an hour or two the nervous system unwinds. Then the session ends, the lights come back on, and the same environment - the same demands, expectations, and internal pressures - are waiting outside.

The relief is real. But it is also temporary.

This cycle can leave people feeling as though calm exists somewhere outside their daily life, accessible only through occasional experiences designed to reset the system.

Yet the nervous system was never designed to be repeatedly “reset”. It evolved to adapt.

Long‑term resilience rarely develops through repeated escapes from stress. Instead, it develops when we gradually change how our body and mind relate to pressure itself.

This is where deeper forms of psychological and embodied work become meaningful.

In counselling, part of the work involves understanding the internal patterns that amplify stress - the beliefs, relational dynamics, and emotional histories that shape how experiences land in the nervous system.

At the same time, embodied disciplines offer another pathway. Traditions such as Taiji and Qigong were developed over centuries as methods for regulating the interaction between mind, breath, and body.

Their aim is not to produce a temporary state of relaxation. Instead, through consistent practice, they gradually change how the system responds to challenge.

Over time, the body learns to release unnecessary tension more quickly. Breath settles naturally. Attention becomes steadier. External pressures may remain the same, but the way they land internally begins to shift.

This process is sometimes misunderstood in modern wellness culture. Taiji, for example, is often seen as gentle exercise or slow movement in the park. But within traditional systems of practice, it is something more structured and transformative - a method of cultivating internal balance, resilience, and energy through sustained personal practice.

It does not promise a quick nervous system reset.

Instead, it invites a longer journey of learning how to live within the nervous system you already have.

For many people, the most meaningful shift happens when calm is no longer something that needs to be found outside of daily life. It becomes something that can gradually be carried within it.

And from there, resilience stops being something you temporarily borrow from a workshop or retreat.

It becomes something you quietly build.

-----

Moments of rest and nervous system regulation can be helpful starting points. But lasting change often emerges through deeper exploration and consistent practice. Counselling, reflective work, and embodied disciplines such as Taiji and breath-based practices can support a gradual shift in how the mind and body respond to pressure. If this perspective resonates with you, you are welcome to reach out to learn more about the ways these approaches can be explored together.

Intimacy Beyond Sex – A Way of Being

Wed, 04 Feb 2026 03:19:00 GMT

When we hear the word intimacy , we often think of sex: touch, desire, romance. Yet true intimacy lives far beyond these moments. It is felt in silence, in a shared glance, and in the quiet courage it takes to be fully present with yourself, with another, and with life itself. Real intimacy does not begin by reaching outward. It begins within. In the rhythm of your breath. In the pulse of life moving through your body. In the willingness to meet yourself honestly and gently.

Meeting Yourself

The deepest intimacy is the relationship you cultivate with your own heart. To meet yourself is to witness your thoughts, contradictions, joys, and aches without judgment or urgency.

Can you stay present with fear rather than turning away?
Can you allow sadness to settle in your chest and still honor it as meaningful?
Can you sense the subtle movement of breath and energy within you?

In moments of stillness and awareness, we often discover how much of ourselves we have learned to hide: emotions pushed aside, sensations ignored, patterns inherited and carried unconsciously. Yet every doorway to genuine connection already exists inside you. When you reclaim your inner world, you reconnect with the source from which all intimacy flows.

Being Felt

Emotional intimacy is not something we explain; it is something we allow. It lives in presence in the unguarded moment, the pause that stretches, the vulnerability that remains uncovered. To be emotionally intimate is to let the quiet pulse of your inner life meet another without the need to justify or repair it. Breath becomes a bridge, gently moving awareness between your inner world and the shared space. In this soft surrender, the heart remembers that it is safe to open, to soften, to simply be.

Being Known

Psychological intimacy asks for the courage to see and name the patterns that shape how we move through the world: our fears, defenses, and habitual ways of relating.

“I withdraw when I feel unseen.”
“I hesitate to ask for support because I fear being a burden.”

These patterns rarely belong only to us. They often arise from family systems, ancestral histories, and cultural conditioning, unseen forces carried across generations. When we begin to recognize these influences, compassion naturally deepens. We stop judging ourselves and instead meet our patterns with curiosity and care, honoring the lineage that lives within us.

Meeting Beyond Roles

Spiritual intimacy emerges when roles and narratives fall away. It is found in the space between breaths, in shared silence, and in the quiet recognition of essence meeting essence. It may appear while sitting together in stillness, in a gaze that needs no explanation, or while walking side by side through ordinary moments that suddenly feel sacred. When attention softens and awareness deepens, intimacy arises naturally. Breath, presence, and a wider systemic awareness allow us to meet one another with greater freedom, depth, and reverence.

Intimacy Beyond Another

You do not need another person to access this depth of closeness. Intimacy can be cultivated entirely within. In moments of stillness, you may begin to honor every layer of your being. As your breath deepens, its rhythm may echo the larger cycles of life. Subtle currents of energy become more perceptible, as does the quiet presence of ancestral threads shaping your experience. When inner intimacy is nurtured, relationships transform. Connection is no longer about filling a void, but about resonance: two beings meeting from wholeness rather than need.

The Sacredness of Vulnerability

To be intimate is to be seen and being seen can feel risky. Old wounds, inherited fears, and unmet needs often surface, making closeness feel uncomfortable. Yet vulnerability is the doorway. Breath and embodied awareness gently anchor you in the present, reminding you that you are alive, supported, and connected. As presence meets presence, intimacy deepens naturally.

Intimacy as a Way of Being

Intimacy is not something to earn or achieve. It is a state of presence, openness, and deep respect for life.

It lives in meeting yourself with compassion, keeping your heart soft even in the presence of fear, holding space for another without expectation, and recognizing the sacred thread that runs through all connection. As you move through the days ahead, you might gently notice where intimacy is already presentin your breath, in moments of quiet honesty with yourself, in the spaces between words. There is nothing to strive for and nothing to fix. Intimacy is already here, waiting to be met.

Warmly,
Aki Tsukui

The Limits of Chemistry

Wed, 04 Feb 2026 03:15:00 GMT

Chemistry is often treated as a decisive force in romantic life. When it is present, people feel justified in leaning in. When it is absent, even after a pleasant and promising date, interest tends to stall. Chemistry appears to offer clarity, but what it actually provides is something

narrower: an early signal, powerful in its immediacy, yet limited in what it can reliably tell us. Most people recognise this tension intuitively. They know chemistry matters, but they also sense that it does not explain everything that makes a relationship viable or sustaining. And

yet, in practice, chemistry is frequently asked to carry more authority than it deserves, shaping decisions about who to pursue, who to dismiss, and how long to remain invested.

What is chemistry?

In relationship research, romantic chemistry is recognised as a multifaceted, emergent experience. It can include attraction, emotional connection, interactive engagement, and a sense of mutual responsiveness. Importantly, chemistry is not viewed as a fixed trait residing

in one person, but as something that arises between two people through interaction. When researchers examine how people themselves describe chemistry, however, a more specific pattern emerges. A recent qualitative study published in Behavioral Sciences, found that while participants acknowledged chemistry could involve multiple elements, the most commonly cited and immediately recognised experience was an instantaneous spark - a felt sense of connection, intensity, or attraction early in an interaction, rather than a gradual assessment of compatibility or emotional safety (Devenport et al., 2025).

Why the spark feels so convincing

That immediate spark carries weight because it is physiological as much as psychological. Early romantic chemistry is associated with activation of the brain’s reward and motivation systems, including increased dopamine and norepinephrine, which are neurochemicals

involved in focus, pursuit, and salience. The body feels energised, attention narrows, and the other person begins to stand out in a way that feels meaningful. This response is not irrational. From an evolutionary perspective, rapid bonding had

adaptive value. From a learning perspective, our nervous systems are shaped by repeated relational experiences. Attachment research helps explain why this kind of activation can feel meaningful so quickly. Our nervous systems learn through experience what closeness feels like, and over time they become efficient at recognising familiar patterns. When past intimacy involved emotional

intensity or heightened engagement, the body may respond swiftly to similar cues, even before conscious evaluation has a chance to catch up. (Mikulincer et al., 2020). 1Chemistry, then, is neither imagined nor accidental. But it is also not a verdict. It is a signal

that arrives early and speaks loudly.

When chemistry starts doing more than it should

Problems arise when chemistry shifts from being an opening signal to becoming the deciding

factor. When people over-index on chemistry, two familiar patterns tend to emerge. In one, the absence of chemistry limits pursuit. Dates can go well. Conversation can flow. The other person may be emotionally available, respectful, even aligned with what someone

says they want. And yet, without chemistry, interest stalls. Many people describe this not as rejection, but as resignation: “I know they’re good for me, but I don’t feel anything.” The relationship does not end; it simply never begins. In other cases, the opposite happens. A relationship starts with strong chemistry. People invest quickly and overlook early warning signs. That initial pull shapes the decision to begin the relationship and continues to guide it even if doubts surface. Concerns are registered, but they carry less weight. Over time, it becomes clear how much chemistry has been steering judgment from the beginning. Because the nervous system is activated, the mind

works to maintain coherence, often finding reasons to persist rather than pause. In both cases, chemistry is doing more work than it should either preventing people from staying curious enough for other forms of connection to develop or pulling people forward

too quickly.

What chemistry can and cannot tell you

Research consistently shows that long-term relationship satisfaction is far more strongly predicted by responsiveness, repair after conflict, and emotional attunement than by early intensity alone (Overall & Lemay, 2021). Chemistry does not reliably predict these capacities. Chemistry can tell you that your system is activated, your attention is engaged, and something feels compelling or familiar. What it cannot tell you is how conflict will be handled, whether needs will be met consistently, or whether emotional safety will deepen or erode over time. From a nervous-system perspective, this distinction matters. Stephen Porges’ work on Polyvagal Theory describes how the autonomic nervous system continuously scans for cues of safety and threat, shaping whether we feel socially open, vigilant, or withdrawn. When systems are accustomed to high arousal, intensity can be misread as connection and calm can register as disinterest. In such cases, chemistry reflects nervous-system conditioning more than relational compatibility (Porges, 2022). 2The consequences of over-indexing on chemistry often appear later, in hindsight. When chemistry dominates judgment, it can obscure both warning signs and possibilities.

Chemistry as one voice among others

A more grounded way to relate to chemistry is to treat it as one voice in a larger conversation. It deserves attention, but it should not be allowed to dominate the discussion or determine the outcome on its own. Qualities such as emotional safety, mutual responsiveness, values alignment, and repair after conflict tend to speak more slowly. They require time and exposure to reveal themselves. When chemistry drowns them out, decisions are made with incomplete information. Wanting chemistry is not the problem. The issue arises when it is allowed to outweigh every other form of relational information. Chemistry can open the door, spark curiosity, and make

connection feel alive, but sustaining love depends on quieter, more consistent signals - emotional presence, repair, respect, and reliability over time. The goal is not to mute the spark, but to place it in context. Chemistry speaks loudly, but wisdom often emerges only after the initial intensity had time to settle.

References

Devenport, L., et al. (2025). Exploring lay understandings of romantic chemistry. Behavioral

Sciences, MDPI. https://www.mdpi.com/3592440

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Ein-Dor, T. (2020). Attachment orientations and emotion

regulation in close relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 86–91.

Overall, N. C., & Lemay, E. P. (2021). Attachment, responsiveness, and well-being in romantic

relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 43, 110–115.

Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative

Neuroscience, 16, 871227. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227

Starting Fresh: Setting Intentions & Mindful Beginnings

Fri, 09 Jan 2026 09:33:15 GMT

Welcome to 2026 (You’ve Already Landed)

By the time you’re reading this, we are already in 2026.

No countdown.
No confetti.
No dramatic soundtrack.

Just you living, showing up, doing your best.

Whether you realised it or not, you crossed into this new year carrying something with you.

Not a suitcase.
Not a planner.

A carry-on .

The Invisible Luggage We All Bring

Your carry-on isn’t visible but it’s always with you.

Inside it might be:

• Expectations you didn’t consciously choose

• Emotional habits you’ve perfected over time

• Unfinished conversations (with others… and yourself)

• Coping strategies that once helped but now weigh you down

And also… because let’s be fair

• Resilience

• Hard-earned wisdom

• Boundaries you finally learned to set

• Strength you didn’t know you had

Not everything in your carry-on is a burden.
But not everything belongs on this journey either.

We Don’t Usually Check Our Carry-On

Most of us keep moving.

We assume:

• “This is just how I am.”

• “This has always worked for me.”

• “I’ll deal with it later.”

But over time, the carry-on gets heavier because we get busy “chasing”.

What once felt manageable becomes:

• Emotional fatigue

• Reactivity

• Quiet resentment

• A sense of being constantly ‘on’

And we wonder why rest doesn’t quite restore us.

A Gentle Question for 2026

Pause for a moment and ask yourself:

What am I still carrying that I no longer need?

Awareness is the first step. Not everything has to be unpacked all at once.

What remains unchecked often:

• Shapes our reactions

• Influences our relationships

• Determines how safe, calm or overwhelmed we feel

Letting Go Isn’t Losing, It’s Choosing

People don’t struggle because they’re broken.
They struggle because they’re overloaded .

Letting go doesn’t mean dismissing your past.
It means honouring it without letting it run the present.

In 2026, growth may look less like adding tools
and more like:

• Unlearning

• Softening

• Creating space

What Deserves Space in Your Carry-On?

As this year unfolds, consider revisiting your inner luggage.

What’s worth keeping close?

• Self-compassion

• Curiosity

• Honest communication

• Support (yes, including professional support)

What might be ready to stay behind?

• Guilt that no longer teaches

• Hyper-independence that isolates

• Expectations that were never yours to carry

Mental and emotional wellbeing isn’t about arriving lighter overnight.

It’s about learning to:

• Check in with yourself regularly

• Notice when the load feels too heavy

• Ask for support before exhaustion sets in

Therapy, coaching and nurturing workshops offer a space to gently unpack without judgement, without rushing and without needing to have it all figured out.

Moving Through 2026, Intentionally

You are allowed to move forward differently this year.

Not faster. Not harder. Just more consciously .

So, as you continue into 2026, take a quiet moment to ask:

What’s in my carry-on and am I ready to travel lighter?

Because sometimes, the most meaningful shift isn’t a new destination.

It’s what you choose to carry with you along the way.

Step Boldly into 2026: Align, Listen, and Become

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 10:05:44 GMT

The beginning of a new year often comes wrapped in a rush of excitement. There’s a buzz in the air. A sense of possibility of fresh pages waiting to be written. But that excitement, if left unchecked, can quickly turn into pressure. We’re told to set goals, make resolutions, and “improve” ourselves, yet often by February, the sparkle fades. The reason is simple: excitement is sustainable only when it is rooted in alignment, not obligation.

When our intentions emerge from what truly matters to us, they generate energy rather than drain it. They fuel us. They awaken us to the possibilities that already exist within our reach. Conversely, when our actions are motivated solely by external expectations or a sense of duty, we burn out. We chase after shiny goals that glitter with promise but leave us exhausted at the finish line.

This is why pausing at the start of the year matters so much. A moment of stillness allows us to ask critical questions: What is genuinely mine to pursue? What sparks joy, curiosity, or a sense of expansion within me? Without this reflection, we rush forward blindly, often mistaking momentum for meaningful progress. With it, we step into the work, projects, and relationships that resonate with our deepest truths. We engage in what feels expansive, alive, and authentic.

The Power of Alignment Over Obligation

Alignment is not about perfection. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standard or following the checklist of achievements society says we should pursue. Alignment is about listening deeply to ourselves and honoring what resonates. It is understanding that every choice, every step, every intention carries energy and that energy is precious. When it is aligned with our values, it sustains us. When it is misaligned, it depletes us.

Consider the difference between doing something because it is “expected” versus doing it because it feels like a calling. When you choose the former, you may check boxes, hit deadlines, or achieve milestones, but often, it comes at the expense of your vitality. You may find yourself asking, “Why am I doing this?” Alignment transforms that dynamic. It turns effort into expression and action into joy.

The Pause: A Sacred Practice

Pausing is more than a moment of rest. It is a sacred practice that allows us to realign with our intentions. It is a deliberate step away from noise, distraction, and the habit of reactive living. In that pause, clarity emerges. We gain perspective. We recognize which pursuits belong to us and which are borrowed from others’ expectations.

To pause effectively, consider journaling, mindful reflection, or even quiet meditation. Ask yourself: Which activities make me feel most alive? Which projects excite me because they are authentically mine? Where do I feel stretched in ways that are energizing rather than draining? These questions are not trivial. They form the blueprint for a year that feels full, meaningful, and nourishing.

Dare to Expand Your Vision

Once we have paused and reflected, the next step is expansion. The temptation at the start of a year is often to shrink our vision into checklists, to define success narrowly, and to prioritize “achievable” goals over inspiring ones. But true growth, the kind that stirs our imagination and nourishes our soul, requires courage. It asks us to dream bigger, to hold intentions that feel luminous and expansive.

Expansion is not about recklessness; it is about daring to stretch ourselves in directions that feel right. It is about holding space for potential, curiosity, and creativity. The universe gives us beginnings as an invitation to explore what is possible, to rewrite old stories, and to breathe new life into the chapters we are yet to write.

Becoming, Not Fixing

2026 is not an invitation to become a more polished version of yourself; it is a call to return to who you already are: awake, aligned, and fully alive. So often, growth is framed as self-improvement, as though we are projects to be corrected or problems to be solved. Yet true growth is not about fixing what is “wrong,” but about becoming more deeply connected to what is true. When authenticity becomes the anchor, our energy naturally aligns with our values and passions, and the exhausting pursuit of perfection begins to soften. From this place, joy, meaningful connection, and purpose-led achievements emerge, not because we tried harder to be better, but because we allowed ourselves to be real. Beginnings carry a quiet, sacred power: each year, each season, even each breath offers the possibility of renewal. When we meet these moments with presence and intention, pausing to listen inwardly before rushing ahead, we create a foundation that can hold uncertainty without fear. We do not need guaranteed outcomes or flawless plans; we need clarity of values and the courage to trust the unfolding. From there, we move forward grounded, open, and curious, allowing life to shape itself around who we are becoming.

Practical Steps to Start the Year Aligned

1. Reflect on Your Core Values: Identify what matters most to you. Which principles guide your decisions and actions? Let these serve as the foundation for your intentions.

2. Ask Meaningful Questions: “What excites me because it is authentically mine?” “Where do I feel most alive?” These questions help distinguish between external expectations and internal calling.

3. Write Down Your Intentions: Capture your expansive, luminous goals — not as obligations, but as invitations to explore your potential.

4. Prioritize Energy Over Output: Choose pursuits that energize you, not merely tasks that look impressive.

5. Create Space for Pauses: Schedule moments to step back, reflect, and adjust. These pauses maintain alignment and prevent burnout.

6. Embrace Expansion: Allow yourself to dream beyond the narrow limits of “achievable.” Big visions cultivate creativity, resilience, and inspiration.

Walking Boldly Into 2026

With clarity and alignment, stepping into 2026 becomes an act of courage. Excitement hums in your bones, not because of pressure, but because of resonance. Each action is purposeful, each pursuit intentional. The new year transforms from a checklist into a canvas. A space where imagination, joy, and authenticity can flourish.

As you navigate the year ahead, remember: beginnings are not about fixing what is broken. They are about becoming more fully who you are. They invite you to shed the weight of others’ expectations, to honor your own energy, and to move boldly into your possibilities.

Pause. Listen. Align. Expand. And step into 2026 with a sense of wonder, courage, and intention. This is your year to nurture your authentic self, to hold luminous visions, and to live fully awake. This is your year to remember that each beginning carries the rare magic of rebirth: an opportunity to rewrite the story and breathe new life into your journey.

To support this unfolding, we offer 3 new spaces that guide and hold you gently:

Ground and Grow invites you to release what no longer serves you and reconnect with your inner self.

Aligned helps you uncover your core values and step into what truly matters with intention.

The Field is a weekly intimate Family & Systemic Constellation gathering. A quiet, guided space to explore relationship and systemic dynamics and patterns that may be shaping your life. Through shared presence, we bring clarity and movement to what feels stuck.

All workshops and meetups are quiet invitations to reflect, realign, and step into the new year in harmony with your deepest truths.

See you in the circle.

A Year of Growth

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 09:24:42 GMT

As the year draws to a close, I find myself returning to the heart again and again.

This year has been one of depth, gentleness, and profound inner shifts. For many, it wasn’t about chasing more but about softening into what’s already within. Through stillness or release, courage or quiet surrender, the path was deeply personal and profoundly shared.

As I look back, my heart is full of gratitude for every soul who chose growth with openness and curiosity. Together, we shaped spaces of truth, safety, and heartfelt reconnection.

Nurture Your Heart

We began the year with Nurture Your Heart , a monthly workshop that invited both women and men to pause, reflect, and reconnect with their emotional landscape. It was a powerful reminder that growth begins with presence.

In this space, we witnessed the heart’s full range: grief, joy, anger, longing, and allowed it all to be felt and held without judgment. Participants released years of emotional tension, reclaimed forgotten parts of themselves, and discovered a deeper sense of self-compassion.

It was an honor to witness both men and women open, express, and support one another. We were reminded that there is strength in softness, and that being seen in our wholeness is one of the most healing gifts we can give and receive.

Self-Mastery

Another most meaningful experiences for me was co-facilitating our newly launched Self-Mastery Workshop . Creating a space for leaders to pause and realign with their deeper values felt especially powerful. The Harvard Business Review statistic that 95% of people believe they are self-aware but only 10–15% truly are resonated strongly throughout the day. I saw how much leaders yearn not only for clarity but also for the ability to lead with intention and alignment, rather than from autopilot or external pressure.

What touched me most was witnessing the transformation that unfolded when we combined evidence-based leadership tools with grounding practices like breathwork, visualization, and reflection. The Energy Leadership™️ Assessment offered insight into personal patterns, while the holistic practices created space for participants to reconnect with themselves. By the end of the day, there was a palpable sense of clarity, alignment, and renewed purpose. It reminded me that self-mastery is ultimately about living and leading in harmony with our values, choosing, again and again, to act with intention and to align with who we truly are.

Family Constellation: Seeing the Unseen and Let the Love Flow

One of the most profound themes this year was the collective and individual journey that unfolded through our Family and Systemic Constellation workshops.

This modality reveals the invisible threads that bind us to our family systems, often in ways we may not be consciously aware of. Patterns of suffering, disconnection, or limitation are not always ours alone to carry; they may belong to generations before us.

In constellation work, we step into a sacred field where ancestral stories, unresolved grief, and hidden loyalties can surface gently and respectfully. Through this work, clients found relief from emotional burdens they couldn’t quite name, rediscovering belonging, compassion, and strength in their lineage.

It was beautiful to witness how much can shift, not just in individuals, but in entire systems, when one person chooses to see with new eyes and feel with an open heart.

Coaching, Sound Journey & Breathwork: Three Portals to the Self

This year also offered a beautiful unfolding through three separate yet interwoven paths: Coaching, Sound Healing, and Yin Breathwork. Each of these modalities provided a different gateway into the inner world: meeting people where they were and allowing healing to unfold in organic, embodied ways.

Coaching : This year, coaching became a space for profound personal and professional transformation. Whether I was working with individuals seeking emotional clarity or leaders and professionals navigating growth, conflict, or burnout, one thing remained consistent: coaching held up a mirror to what truly matters. It created room to pause, reflect, and reconnect, not just to goals, but to values.

Time and again, I saw how high performance can mask deeper needs for alignment, meaning, and authentic leadership. Together, we untangled those threads. We built clear visions and action plans grounded in who my clients truly are and how they want to lead.

Now, each client walks forward with clarity, intention, and a roadmap that aligns with their core values so they can lead and live on purpose. Coaching this year reminded me: it’s not just about doing more, but becoming more aligned, more grounded, and more fully yourself.

Sound Healing : This year, Sound Healing became more than rest. It became a catalyst for deep inner shifts. Through the resonance of gongs, singing bowls, crystal bowls and chimes, clients were able to release tension held in the body, quiet the noise of the mind, and access a deeper state of awareness. The sound gently bypassed conscious thought and reached the places words couldn’t.

Many described it as a feeling of “coming home” to themselves or being “held by something larger.” And the impact was undeniable. Clients left feeling lighter, clearer, more grounded.
Across every session, the shift was evident: from overwhelm to ease, from disconnection to presence, from holding on to letting go. Sound didn’t just soothe. It transformed.

This reminded me of the incredible intelligence of sound. How its vibrations carry the power to reach beyond words, to touch the unseen layers of our being, and to awaken healing from within. Sound is not just heard; it is felt, remembered, and lived. This deep knowing will continue to inspire and shape my journey ahead.

Yin Breathwork : We created a gentle yet profound space for emotional release. Drawing from rebirthing traditions, Yin breathwork sessions invited clients to breathe through old patterns, energetic blockages, and emotions held within the body. The process was often deeply cathartic: tears, laughter, insight, and stillness naturally arose as the breath guided the way and the body felt safe to surrender.

The sessions supported the release of what no longer served whether subtle energetic blocks, long-held tension, or trauma gently held beneath the surface. As breath moved through the body, it invited healing and renewal at a deep level, bringing clarity, relief, and a renewed sense of freedom.

This year, Yin Breathwork reminded me of the quiet strength found in surrender: the way breath can gently connect with the subconscious, opening hidden layers beyond the reach of words. It showed how allowing ourselves to feel fully, with openness and compassion, can lead to profound healing and transformation. Trusting the breath is trusting the wisdom held deep within.

The Path Ahead: Renewal & Expansion

Personal growth is not a straight line. It’s layered. It spirals. It deepens with time.

If this year has taught me anything, it’s this: our bodies carry wisdom, our hearts hold courage, and we are all capable of anything when we feel safe, supported, and ready.

As we step into a new year, I hope you’ll carry these reminders:

• You are not behind.

• Rest is productive.

• You are worthy of joy and ease.

• Your journey is your own and it is enough.

Coming in 2026: New Offerings, Deeper Connection

Looking ahead, we’re thrilled to be launching new workshops and retreats in 2026, created especially for individuals, groups, and couples. These offerings will continue to honour the mind, body, heart, and spirit supporting emotional growth, relational healing, and spiritual awakening.

Whether you're a leader seeking greater alignment, a couple longing for deeper connection, or an individual ready to step into your next chapter, we invite you to be part of this next evolution.

Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you this year whether in a circle, a constellation, on a breathwork mat, in a coaching room, within the vibrations of sound, or in a quiet moment of resonance. We’ve grown together, expanded our awareness, and returned to ourselves in deeper ways.

With love and gratitude,

Aki Tsukui
Co-Founder, Elemental Wellness

A Safe Space for Men to Feel, Heal & Reconnect

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 14:02:15 GMT

At Elemental Wellness, we believe that healing is not a gendered experience. Healing is for humans. It happens when we allow space for the unsaid, the unseen, and the unfelt to emerge safely, gently, and without judgment.

While women have often led the way in emotional exploration, more and more men are beginning to return to their hearts in search of deeper meaning, emotional freedom, and wholeness. This movement toward inner connection is quiet yet powerful. It reflects a shift in how men are redefining strength, no longer as suppression, but as presence.

Recently, my fellow coach, Praveen Kaur, and I had the honor of hosting our monthly workshop Nurture Your Heart . During this session, a man courageously stepped into the space of vulnerability. A space often unfamiliar, yet deeply needed. His presence was grounding and symbolic. It reminded us that the male heart, too, longs for safety, softness, and connection. That when held with care, the masculine energy doesn’t dissolve into weakness. It melts into authenticity.

The Unseen Weight Men Carry

Culturally, many men are raised to be the protectors, providers, and rational thinkers. They’re taught to be strong, stoic, and solution-oriented. From a young age, the message is clear: be dependable, be productive, be in control.

But few are ever asked:
How do you feel? What do you need right now? Who are you beneath all the roles you perform?

This lack of emotional permission often results in quiet suffering. For many men, anger is more acceptable than sadness. Numbness feels safer than vulnerability. And silence becomes a coping mechanism. A way to keep the inner chaos contained.

Yet this emotional suppression has consequences. The cost of disconnection is immense: anxiety, burnout, physical tension, emotional withdrawal, and relationship breakdowns. Beneath these symptoms lies a universal truth: men have hearts that feel deeply. They, too, long to be seen, to rest, to release.

When that truth is denied, the result is not resilience, but exhaustion. When it’s embraced, the result is transformation.

The Session: Safe, Somatic, Intentional

Our Nurture Your Heart workshops are designed as intentional pauses in the noise of everyday life: a space to breathe, release, and reconnect.

For this particular session, we began with gentle grounding exercises, guiding our participant to anchor into his body through slow, conscious breath. The emphasis was not on “doing it right,” but on allowing. Allowing breath to move freely, allowing thoughts to quiet, and allowing the body to remember safety.

Before we began, we asked a simple but powerful question:
“How do you want to feel at the end of this session?”

Without hesitation, he responded:

“Calm my inner voice. Regain a sense of calmness and have mental peace and stability.”

These words were not merely goals. They were intentions, anchors that set the emotional tone for the session. They echoed a common theme I often hear in sessions with men: a longing to quiet the mind, settle the nervous system, and return to inner stillness.

As the session unfolded, his breath began to guide him inward. Through sound and energetic vibration, we worked gently to release the tension stored in his chest: the space where so many men hold unspoken worries and expectations. What surfaced was not dramatic, but deeply organic: a subtle softening, a quiet recognition of emotions long set aside.

In that stillness, the body began to speak.

The Power of Intention

The question, “How do I want to feel at the end of this session?” , often appears simple, yet it carries profound transformative power.

In this case, the intention became a mantra:

• Calm my inner voice

• Regain a sense of calmness

• Have peace

He repeated these words throughout the session, not from a place of desperation, but devotion. It was as if each repetition was a permission slip to be gentle with himself to remember that peace is not a luxury, but a right.

By the end of the session, something had softened. His movements were slower, his breathing deeper. His face reflected quiet relief: the kind that comes not from fixing, but from feeling. He smiled, not just with his lips, but with his whole being.

It was a reminder that when we create space for intention, healing follows naturally. The body knows how to return to balance when given time and safety.

Witnessing Male Vulnerability

Over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with many male clients: C-suites, executives, entrepreneurs, fathers, sons, and creatives. Despite their differences, there’s a shared thread among them: a longing to be whole.

Each time a man allows himself to be vulnerable, I am reminded of the immense courage it takes to unlearn decades of conditioning. These are not weak men. They are deeply reflective, resilient, and often incredibly hard on themselves. They’ve been taught to be logical, but not always intuitive. Assertive, but not expressive. Strategic, but not soft.

And yet, when given permission to express fully, they often go deeper than they ever expected.

One client once said, “I didn’t know I needed this.”
Another told me after a coaching session, “I haven’t felt this peaceful in years.”

The release that happens in these spaces isn’t just emotional. It’s somatic. Their bodies exhale. Their shoulders drop. Their hearts open. They stop performing and start being.

And what they gain is not just momentary relief, but a new relationship with themselves. They begin to trust their own emotional wisdom. They communicate more clearly, connect more deeply, and lead from a place of groundedness.

It’s not about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering who they are beneath the noise.

Holding Space for Men

This work is not about “fixing” men. It’s about meeting them exactly where they are with tenderness, curiosity, and respect. We don’t ask them to become less masculine. We invite them to expand what masculinity can include: softness, sensitivity, stillness, and spirit.

At Elemental Wellness, we believe the heart doesn’t need convincing. It needs permission. When men feel safe enough to lay down their armor, something extraordinary happens. They begin to reconnect not just with others, but with themselves.

The Nurture Your Heart session for this client wasn’t about solving problems. It was about creating a sacred pause: a moment where he could simply be . No expectations, no judgment, no performance. In that pause, peace wasn’t something to strive for; it became something to remember.

We often forget that healing doesn’t always come with grand gestures or dramatic breakthroughs. Sometimes, it begins with a single breath. Sometimes, it begins with saying, “I’m tired.” Sometimes, it begins with being seen.

And in those moments, transformation unfolds quietly.

An Invitation

To the men who are holding it all together: this space is for you.
You don’t need to say much. You don’t need to have the right words. Just start by showing up for yourself.

At Elemental Wellness, we honor the fullness of your being. Whether you identify as strong, sensitive, guarded, or grounded, come as you are.

We’ll meet you there.

How Are You, Really?

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 01:52:07 GMT

How Are You, Really?

October marks a natural turning point in the year. The year has substantially passed and is coming to an end, and there’s a quiet invitation to slow down, take stock and turn inward. It’s a time of transition—a time that reflects what many of us feel but rarely give ourselves the time and space to acknowledge or process. This makes October a fitting month for World Mental Health Day , observed each year on October 10th . While it’s an important time for raising awareness globally, it’s also a deeply personal reminder: our mental health matters, and we need to take ownership to prioritize the same as intentionally as we do our physical health.

With the pre-occupation of day-to-day life, where productivity and performance often take centre stage, we can easily lose sight of how we’re really feeling and what we really need.

This October, I invite you to slow down. Take a deep breath. And ask yourself: How am I, really?

Mental Health Is Everyday Health

Mental health is not a luxury. Neither is it something reserved for people in crisis or with mental illness. It’s something we all own, and something we all need to look after and maintain—just like our physical wellbeing.

Some days, our mental health feels steady and clear. Other days, it may feel shaky, foggy, or heavy. That fluctuation is normal. But if you’ve noticed that the tough days are starting to outweigh the better ones—or if you’ve been feeling disconnected, anxious, exhausted, or simply “not yourself” for a while—it may be time to check in more deeply.

The truth is, many people struggle silently or ignore the warning signs. According to the World Health Organization, an estimated 1 in 4 people worldwide will experience a mental health issue at some point in their lives. And yet, stigma, shame, busyness and misconceptions still prevent many from seeking support.

Common Myths About Mental Health

Let’s take a moment to challenge a few common myths that often keep people from getting help:

• “I should be able to handle this on my own.”  While resilience is admirable, no one is meant to carry their emotional struggle alone. Seeking help or support is not an act of coward, or a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is an act of taking ownership and responsibility for our own mental health, and an act of courage to face the issue. Just as you’d seek help for a broken bone, it’s okay to seek support for emotional pain or mental unwellness too.

• “My problems aren’t serious enough, other people in similar situation are going through the same thing.”  Therapy or mental check-in isn’t just for people in crisis. Many clients seek support for stress, burnout, relationships, transitions, or just to better understand themselves. If it’s impacting you in any way, it’s valid. Especially so if it has been affecting your general wellbeing for some time. Only you know how you feel, and how you are being impacted. There is no one universal baseline for everyone, each of us is unique.

• “If I talk about it, I will feel worse.”  The opposite is often true. Recognising and naming what you’re feeling and being heard by a trusted person, or a professional in a safe space can bring incredible cathartic relief. The added advantage of seeking therapy with professional therapists is that you will not feel judged, instead you feel safe and heard, and will also achieve clarity as to your feelings and thinking. This clarity will go a long way to help you navigate through your struggles.

Simple Ways to Support Your Mental Health This Month

Whether you’re in a difficult season or simply wanting to stay emotionally grounded, here are some gentle practices you could try to support your mental wellbeing:

1. Create Intentional Pauses

Take 2–5 minutes each day to check in with yourself. How’s your body feeling? What emotions are present? Just noticing and acknowledging, without judgment, is powerful. It means that you are paying attention to yourself, and recognising how you feel bodily and emotionally.

2. Move Your Body, Gently

You don’t need an intense workout. Even a walk outside or light stretching can release tension and help bring your focus back to yourself. Bonus if you could get some fresh air and sunlight in the process too, which are vital to boost your mood.

3. Limit Mental Overload

If you are suffering from mental overload, your nervous system needs breaks to recalibrate. You may have too many things you want done or expected to get done, try to organize and only focus on what really needs to be done currently , so that you can declutter and lighten the mental overload. Learning how to prioritise in our fast-paced life is important. Also try reducing overstimulation from excessive screen time, social media, news, or constant multitasking.

4. Reach Out and Connect

Call a friend. Reach out to someone for a catch-up. Let someone know how you’re doing. Be interested in what’s going with someone’s life. You might be surprised how much it helps to connect with and talk to someone.

5. Get Support from a Professional

There’s no shame in talking to a therapist. In fact, therapy can be one of the most empowering choices you make. It’s a safe and confidential space to explore your thoughts, process difficult emotions, and learn useful tools to navigate life more effectively.

Therapy Is Not a Last Resort—It’s a Powerful Resource

As a psychotherapist, I’ve had the privilege of walking alongside people through their most challenging seasons. And I’ve seen time and time again how people uncover or re-discover their inner resilience when they feel safe, heard, understood, and supported.

Therapy offers more than just a place to vent. It’s a space where healing can happen. Where self-awareness can deepen. Where you can reconnect with your own wisdom and inner resources.

Self-care Isn’t Selfish—It’s Essential

In our culture, especially in caregiving roles or high-pressure environments, it’s easy to internalize the message that taking care of yourself is weak or selfish. But burnout, emotional numbness, and chronic stress don’t just affect you—they impact your relationships, your health, and your ability to show up fully for your loved ones.

When you care for your mental health, everyone around you benefits. You become more grounded, more present, and more available—to yourself and others.

So let’s rewrite the narrative: Checking in with oneself isn’t being self-indulgent. It’s being responsible.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been navigating life’s demands on your own and wondering whether you could benefit from talking to someone—this is your invitation.

Whether you’re processing a recent loss, dealing with anxiety, exploring your identity, or simply feeling stuck, therapy can be a life-changing space for self-discovery, healing and growth.

World Mental Health Day is a powerful reminder, but mental health care isn’t a one-day event. It’s an ongoing practice of listening inward, paying attention to your body and emotions, and knowing that you can exercise your own agency in seeking support.

If you’re looking for a place to begin, we are here. As therapists, we offer a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore what’s been weighing on your heart and mind. You don’t have to carry it all alone. If you would like to speak to me, or one of our therapists, feel free to contact us at info@counselingperspective.com .

Pause. Check In. Reflect. Heal. Your wellbeing matters. And you are not alone .

Are you a Master of YOU?

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 01:48:42 GMT

Mental Health Day Reflection: The Journey to Self-Mastery

They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something.
Whether it’s playing the violin, baking sourdough or speaking French, put in the time and you can become a master.

Here’s a curious thought:
Most of us have been living as ourselves for well over 30,000, 40,000, even 50,000 hours ... and yet, how many of us can say we’ve mastered ourselves?

We’ve been alive, sure—but have we been awake, present for ourselves?

Why Aren’t We Masters of Ourselves?

Because too often, we’re:

• Too busy chasing what we think we should want

• Too busy being angry about what didn’t go our way

• Too busy overthinking what might happen next

• Too busy living in other people’s heads seeking approval and fearing judgment

Sound familiar?

You’re not broken. You’re not behind.
You’re just not yet aligned and that can change.

What Is Self-Mastery?

Self-mastery isn’t about perfection.
It’s about living in alignment with your values, your energy and your vision of the life you want .

It’s about making conscious choices, not reactive ones.
It’s about being present, not consumed by the past or future.
It’s about leading with authenticity, not fear.

Yes, it can be a journey.
Sometimes, it requires coaching, healing, therapy and/or mentorship.
Letting go of outdated identities, relationships or comfort zones may come with a cost.

But with that loss often comes relief.
You lose baggage you never needed to carry in the first place.

Where It All Begins: Awareness

The first step? Awareness.

Ask yourself:

• Who am I becoming?

• What actually matters to me now?

• Where am I operating from fear instead of freedom?

From awareness, we cultivate authenticity .

From authenticity, we begin to act in alignment.
And with alignment, we start to feel at home in our own skin.

That’s self-mastery. It is not loud, not flashy but quietly powerful.

This Mental Health Day, Choose You

This isn’t a day to “fix” yourself.
It’s a day to meet yourself. For some of us it may be for the first time in a while.

Take a breath. Slow down. Ask your inner self what they need.
Then start small: one present moment, one conscious decision, one fearless step.

You already have the hours.
Now you just need the intention.

Hope and Healing Trauma : I’ve learned that hope isn’t about perfection and healing isn’t about erasing the past.

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 01:48:25 GMT

When I volunteered to write this month’s note on Hope & Healing Trauma, my mind was overflowing with ideas. There’s so much to say, so many perspectives, so many lived experiences. But as I began writing, I realised I had to bring it back to basics…the simplest truth. My wish is that if you take away just one thing from this note, it’s this:

At the end of hope, lies your potential.

Hope is a tricky thing. It can lift you up or it can feel completely out of reach depending on where you are in your healing journey. For someone carrying the weight of trauma, hope can feel foreign, almost unrealistic. And yet, even the tiniest glimmer of it can create the spark that helps us climb out of the darkest places.

I’ve been there. I’ve had to pick myself up after the heartbreak of a toxic relationship that broke down my self worth in my twenties. I’ve had to rebuild form burnout at work, restart my finances after leaving a five figure corporate job to pursue entrepreneurship and even fight through a cancer diagnosis that changed everything I thought I knew about life.

Reading these words here may make them sound neat and manageable, but what’s missing are the tears, the anxiety, the worry behind the scenes. What carried me through those moments wasn’t grit or resilience alone, it was hope. Hope that the only way was up. Hope that if I kept showing up for myself, I would eventually find light on the other side.

But here’s the truth: healing is not linear. It’s messy. It’s haphazard. Some days you feel like you’re making progress and other days you feel like you’re back at square one. That doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re human. The true goal isn’t to avoid setbacks, but to get better at picking yourself up when they happen.

For years, I lived angry; angry at relationships that hurt me, angry at an environment I didn’t feel I fit into, angry at life’s unfairness. But when I turned inward, I realised the anger wasn’t really about others. It was about me. I wasn’t showing up authentically for myself. I wasn’t giving myself permission to heal. That realisation became my tipping point.

It wasn’t easy. It took years of counselling, meditation, journaling and one practice that profoundly shifted everything for me: BodyTalk .

BodyTalk is a holistic healthcare system that looks at the whole person; your mind, your body and your experiences, not just your symptoms. Our bodies carry stories: traumas, emotions and unresolved memories that show up as stress, illness or pain. In BodyTalk these stories are gently uncovered and released. For me, it meant letting go of emotionally charged experiences I’d been unconsciously holding onto as my identity; stories that were taking up unnecessary space in my mind and body.

When I allowed myself to release them through BodyTalk sessions, something incredible happened. I felt freer. My body felt lighter. And more importantly, my mind felt spacious again. Ready to hold, not pain, but potential.

That’s where hope led me: to potential.

The potential to be myself. The potential to heal. The potential to live differently, to go against the grain and be okay with it.

So if you take away just one thing from this note, let it be this: hope is not about perfection and healing is not about erasing your past. Trauma doesn’t have to define you. When you stop letting it own you, you begin to uncover the space for who you are meant to be.

And at the end of hope, always, lies your potential.

Hope & Healing Trauma: A Gentle Path Back to Wholeness

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 01:44:58 GMT

Trauma can feel like a fracture - a sudden break in the rhythm of life. It lingers not only in our memories, but also in our bodies, our nervous systems, and the quiet ways we hold ourselves back. At first, healing can feel impossible. Hope can feel far away.

And yet, again and again, I’ve witnessed that hope has a way of returning, sometimes softly, sometimes like the first crack of light after a long night. Healing from trauma is not about erasing the past, but about learning to carry it differently.

It’s about reclaiming safety, connection, and trust in ourselves, one step at a time.

When Trauma Stirs Old Wounds

Often, what makes trauma feel so heavy is not only the event itself, but the way it awakens older wounds beneath the surface — fears of rejection, abandonment, or not being enough. These layers of pain can leave us feeling raw, isolated, and unsure of who we are without the identities or roles we once clung to.

I remember this in my own journey. When life shifted suddenly and a physical skin illness pulled me away from the familiar roles and anchors of career and identity, it felt like everything I had built myself upon crumbled. On the surface, it may have looked like “just” a physical setback, but beneath it stirred deeper fears I had carried for years — the fear that without my achievements or image, I would not be enough.

Like many people, I had learned to protect myself through identities: the achiever, the perfectionist, the one who blends in. These strategies helped me survive, but they also muted the most authentic parts of me.

And yet, in the collapse of those identities, something unexpected happened: what felt like an ending became the beginning of something deeper.

It wasn’t only a trauma healing journey — it became a path of rediscovery of myself.

The Role of Hope

Hope rarely arrives in dramatic ways. More often, it appears in small, almost ordinary moments.

For me, it came in glimmers:

Sitting quietly and realizing I could breathe again.
Starting a small creative project during one of the darkest seasons of my life, just to make sense of what I was going through.
Discovering the simple joy of being in nature, or feeling my body soften in therapy when I felt truly seen.
The gentle presence of my therapist, who reminded me that I wasn’t broken.

These moments didn’t erase the pain, but they reminded me that maybe things didn’t have to stay that way forever. Hope didn’t come as a single breakthrough; it came as tiny openings, each one widening my capacity to see possibility.

And this is often how hope works. It doesn’t always arrive as a grand transformation, but as soft reminders that healing is possible. Step by step, we begin to reclaim the parts of ourselves that have been muted — the playful child who wanted to create, the intuitive self who sensed more than what could be “proven”, the tender parts of me that longs for connection without performance or perfection.

What looks like collapse may, in truth, be initiation — a cracking open that makes space for authenticity.

What Helps Us Heal

Through my lived experience and my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve learned that healing is both universal and deeply personal.

Safety comes first. Healing happens when there is enough safety — with ourselves, with others, or in a therapeutic space.
The body remembers. Trauma imprints itself into the nervous system, which may keep responding as if the danger is still present. Healing means teaching the body it is safe again, so we can reconnect with who we truly are.
Connection heals. True healing often comes when we allow ourselves to be seen, not hidden.
Self-trust grows slowly. Over time, we can learn to trust our inner wisdom — discovering that love, acceptance, and authenticity flow naturally from it.

Hope as a Practice

Healing trauma doesn’t mean forgetting the past. It means weaving it into the tapestry of who we are — not as the whole story, but as one chapter.

For me, hope has become a practice of unmuting — expressing myself more fully, even when it feels scary. It’s about remembering that being seen isn’t dangerous. It’s deeply healing.

Hope whispers that our story isn’t finished. That we are more than what happened to us. That the same energy once used to survive can also be used to create, to love, and to thrive.

Even on hard days, hope reminds us: you are not broken — you are becoming.

How Mealtime and Young Mental Health is Connected

Wed, 30 Jul 2025 03:09:05 GMT

Do you prioritise family mealtime? In today’s fast-paced environment, where everyone often feels pulled in different directions, family meals can be easily dismissed and missed. Family meals can be truly magical; besides nourishing, they pull families into unity and support mental, physical and emotional health. The benefits span across all age groups. In teenagers specifically, a large body of research shows that families who have meals together show:

• Better school performance, with a higher likelihood of achieving A’s, is in school.

• Lower the risk of teenage behaviours such as smoking, substance abuse, eating disorders, teenage pregnancy and violence.

• Lower risk for depression and anxiety, and higher self-esteem

• Lower obesity risk and better cardiovascular health

Family meals can play a vital role in strengthening family bonds, promoting stability, and fostering a sense of unity and connectedness. They also have the potential to enhance the developmental assets of adolescents, including problem-solving skills and social-emotional growth. Additionally, family traditions and routines, such as shared meals, provide a sense of consistency and an opportunity to connect while promoting healthy attitudes and behaviours related to food.

Family meals are also powerful for adults, as well, with parents having better nutrition, less dieting patterns, more self-esteem and lower risk of depression – I see this happening every day in my practice.

Eating meals together as a family also has a profoundly positive impact on the child’s and adolescent’s eating habits and diet quality; the more meals eaten together, the greater the impact.

Number of meals together

In today’s world, where schedules are packed and families barely meet, meals together can sound like quite an unrealistic task. Frequent regular family meals are usually defined as 3-7 times a week, keeping the consistency, reflect a sense of connection and priority. So, if you have only one meal a week together, consider how you can adjust your schedule to increase the number of family meals you have routinely. We have at least 16 possible times for families to eat together—seven breakfasts, seven dinners, and two weekend lunches. And let’s not forget snack time or bedtime snacks, which can also be used as a meaningful connection time over a fruit, nuts, and a glass of milk or a cup of yoghurt.

Making family meals engaging and welcoming

The ideal meal combines nutritious, balanced, and delicious food with fun and conversationbut not always easy to cultivate a welcoming and open environment and dining table. If keeping the conversation with your teen is hard, thefamilydinnerproject.org has some creative tips. Here are some:

• Set an example and keep devices out of the dining table, and avoid getting distractedby them.

• Encourage Sharing. Invite each family member to share highlights from their day or something they’re looking forward to. This sets a tone of openness and encourages everyone to participate. Start the conversation by sharing something about your day and asking for feedback from the children, e.g., how would you suggest Dad deals with his co-worker in that challenging situation?

• Celebrate Small Wins . Use mealtime to acknowledge achievements, no matter how small. Celebrating these moments can boost a teenager’s self-esteem.

• Cook Together. Involve your teenagers in meal preparation. This not only teaches them valuable life skills but also creates a shared experience that can make the meal more enjoyable.

Play games if talking and sharing at the dining table is not something you are comfortable with yet ; games are a great way to break the ice. Here are some examples:

• 20 Questions: One person thinks of an object, person, or place, and the others take turns asking yes-or-no questions to guess what it is within 20 questions.

• Would You Rather?: Pose fun or silly hypothetical questions, like “Would you rather have the ability to fly or be invisible?” Everyone takes turns answering and discussing their choices.

• Story Building: One person starts a story with a sentence, and each person adds a sentence to continue the story. This can lead to some funny or creative narratives!

• Two Truths and a Lie: Everyone takes turns sharing two true facts and one false factabout themselves—the rest of the family guesses which is the lie.

• Table Trivia: Prepare some trivia questions about family history, fun facts, or themes related to the meal or occasion.

• Guess the Song: Hum or tap a rhythm of a song, and others try to guess what it is. You can even create categories like “Disney songs” or “80s hits.”

• Charades: Act out a word or phrase without speaking, while the others guess what it is. This can be themed according to the season or a holiday.

In Conclusion

The link between family meals and mental health outcomes is clear. By prioritising shared mealtimes, families can not only improve their physical nutrition but also enhance emotional well-being through the connections formed around it. Even if it starts with just a few meals a week, the long-term effects on mental health and family bonds are profound. So, consider making family mealtime a cherished routine—you might be surprised by the positive changes it brings to your family dynamic

One last note – don’t beat yourself up if family meals are not picture-perfect or don’thappen with the “right” consistency.

Knowledge is power, and being aware of the benefits of family meals is important; therefore, this article. However, we also know that “life happens” sometimes, and family mealtime might be put on the backburner during these busy periods. That will not make you and your partner a failure, only human. Just restart building these routines again, step by step – these habits are utterly worth fighting for.

Claudia Correia

Dietitian and mother of two

Accredited Dietitian of Singapore

References

Harrison, M. E., Norris, M. L., Obeid, N., Fu, M., Weinstangel, H., & Sampson, M. (2015). Systematic review of the effects of family meal frequency on psychosocial outcomes in youth. Canadian family physician Medecin de famille canadien , 61 (2), e96–e106.

https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/

https://www.raisingteenagers.com.au/power-familymeals/

Plugged In but Breaking Down: What’s Driving Our Youth to the Edge — And How Parents Can Help

Wed, 30 Jul 2025 03:04:38 GMT

They are always online — scrolling, replying, editing, performing. But behind the glow of the screen, an invisible crisis is unfolding.

As a psychotherapist working with adolescents and young adults in Singapore, I meet high-functioning, articulate, often high-achieving teens who are quietly unravelling beneath the surface. On paper, they’re thriving. But in session, I hear what they’re too afraid to tell anyone else:

“I’m exhausted, but I can’t stop.”
“If I’m not perfect, I’m nothing.”
“No one really knows me.”
“If I disappeared, I don’t think it would matter.”

This is not melodrama or teenage angst.
This is a generation drowning in disconnection, pressure, and silent despair.

Teen Suicide in Singapore: A Growing Tragedy

Suicide remains the leading cause of death among youth aged 10 to 29 in Singapore. This is not a statistical fluke. It reflects deeper systemic and cultural problems — many of which fester quietly in the lives of young people who appear “fine.”

They are not just sad. They are overwhelmed, overstimulated, and emotionally unsupported. And often, their distress is invisible — until it’s too late.

What’s Driving the Crisis? A Web of Pressures

There is no single cause behind youth suicide. Instead, it emerges from a complex tangle of digital, relational, academic, and emotional pressures — many of which are hiding in plain sight.

1. Digital Addiction and Emotional Fragmentation

Teens often spend 8 to 12 hours online — not simply for fun, but because the digital world offers temporary relief. They maintain multiple curated identities on Instagram, TikTok, Discord, and Telegram. The dopamine hits from notifications are fleeting, but the emotional crashes are deep. Over time, the distinction between performance and authenticity collapses.

2. Cyberbullying and Silent Shame

Bullying doesn’t end when the school bell rings. It lives in anonymous confession pages, group chats, and social media threads. A single screenshot can trigger weeks of shame. Many teens never tell anyone, fearing judgment or dismissal. So they carry the pain alone.

3. Academic Stress and the Culture of Overachievement

In Singapore, academic success is often tied to identity and worth. Even top scorers believe they aren’t doing enough. Many internalise a dangerous belief: I am only lovable when I achieve. For perfectionistic teens, failure becomes existential.

4. Emotional Disconnection at Home

Parents may love deeply yet still be emotionally unavailable — stretched thin by work, stress, or their own inner wounds. Teens sense this. They stop sharing. They withdraw. They begin to believe they are utterly alone in their experience.

5. Lack of Safety to Be Themselves

Teens grappling with identity — whether related to gender, neurodiversity, body image, or emotional sensitivity — often feel they have no place to be fully seen. They mask, suppress, or fragment themselves just to fit in. Over time, this internal split becomes unbearable.

What Parents Can Do: From Prevention to Protection

While the causes are complex, parents are not powerless. In fact, your consistent emotional presence is one of the most protective forces in your child’s life.

1. Start the Conversation — Early and Often

Teens don’t need interrogations. They need open-hearted questions and attuned presence. Go beyond “How was school?” and try:

• “What’s something that’s felt heavy or confusing lately?”

• “If today had a mood, what would it be?”

• “Is there a meme, song, or reel that captures how you’re feeling?”

• “Have there been moments where things just felt too much?”

The goal is not to get answers, but to offer a safe emotional invitation. When they feel the sincerity behind your curiosity, they’re more likely to open up.

2. Co-Regulate Before You Educate

Your nervous system sets the tone. If you remain calm, grounded, and emotionally available —especially during their moments of chaos — you teach them how to do the same. Before advising or reacting, pause. Sit beside them. Let them feel your steadiness.

3. Build Tech-Free Anchors of Connection

Create small, consistent rituals that don’t involve performance: nightly walks, shared meals, cooking together, or listening to music in silence. These non-demanding moments become emotional landing places in a noisy world.

4. Validate, Don’t Minimise

If your child says they’re stressed or low, avoid default responses like, “Everyone feels that way,” or “Just push through.” Instead, try: “That sounds incredibly hard. Thank you for telling me.” Validation does not mean agreement — it means recognition.

5. Learn to Spot the Red Flags

Warning signs may include:

• Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

• Sleep or appetite changes

• Flat affect or emotional numbness

• Self-deprecating jokes or fatalistic remarks

• Talk of being a burden or not belonging

• Obsessive perfectionism or total shutdown

If your intuition says something’s wrong—believe it. Don’t wait for proof. Reach out. Speak to them. Engage a counsellor or therapist.

6. Get Help — Not Just for Them, But for You

Supporting a struggling teen can be overwhelming. You don’t need to do it alone. Therapy isn’t just for crisis — it’s a space for healing, insight, and reconnection. And when you do your own inner work, you model resilience and self-compassion they can follow.

You Don’t Need to Fix Everything. You Just Need to Stay.

Many teens on the brink of suicide don’t actually want to die. They want the pain to stop. They want to feel safe, seen, and supported in a world that often feels fast, cold, and demanding.

You, as a parent, have the power to slow it down.
To soften the space.
To say, without condition: “I’m here. You matter. We’ll face this together.”

Sometimes, that’s all it takes to bring a young person back from the edge.

The Evolving Circle of Friendship

Tue, 01 Jul 2025 04:18:38 GMT

“Girl, if you have five real friends after 60, you’ve made some good choices.” said this voice full of wisdom. I remember that taxi ride very clearly. At that moment, I chuckled and started counting my “close” friends using my fingers, toes and maybe even a few rounds in. That sentence stuck with me for over 20 years. I knew deep down someday I will have to recollect that moment.

Friendship is beautiful. It is also layered, unpredictable and at times, bittersweet. It grows, withers, surprises us, quietly fades away and sometimes comes back in new form. This is especially true as we transition through life, careers, motherhood, healing and reinvention, our social circles shift with us. Who you needed yesterday may not be who you need today.

If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering “Where did everyone go?” or “Why do I feel closer to someone I just met than people I’ve known for years?”, you are not alone. You’re just evolving. And evolution rarely leaves your social circle untouched.

What Is Friendship, Really?

By definition, friendship is “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.”
But let’s be real, that doesn’t capture the heart of it.

To me, friendship is…
A soul who supports you without judgement.
A person who calls you out with love and cheers you on even louder.
Someone who holds space for your becoming.

So I’ll ask you, what’s your definition of friendship?

Take a breath. Feel into it. You might find your answer has changed. That’s not wrong. It is honest. There’s no shame in evolving, only alignment with your present truth.

When You Change, So Do Your Friendships

This part can feel tender: when your inner world shifts, your outer circle often reflects that. Some friends will rise with you and celebrate your growth.

Some surprise you by meeting you right where you are.

Some will resist your change.

And some will quietly fade.

It’s not about fault; it’s about alignment.

That friend who used to be your late-night rant partner might not be your 6 AM hike buddy. And the colleague who didn’t really “get you” five years ago? He / She might be your biggest fan now.

Change is inevitable. Clinging to what was can hold you back from what’s possible.

What Role Does Energy Play in Friendship?

In the Energy Leadership™ framework , we recognize 7 levels of energy. Each representing a way of thinking, feeling and showing up in the world. These levels can also show us how we relate to our friends especially when change enters the picture.

Let’s explore:

⚫ Level 1: Victim Energy

"No one understands me anymore."
This is where disconnection and self-doubt live. You may retreat or feel abandoned. Friendships can feel draining when this is the dominant lens.

�� Level 2: Conflict Energy

"They don’t support me like I support them."
Resentments build. You may find yourself judging, comparing or feeling the urge to prove yourself. Friendships become power plays instead of safe spaces.

�� Level 3: Coping Energy

"It’s fine. I’ll just adjust to keep the peace."
This is the friend who avoids conflict and over-accommodates. It looks harmonious on the outside but often sacrifices authenticity for the sake of connection.

�� Level 4: Service Energy

"How can I support you through your change?"
Here, friendships are built on empathy and care. This friend holds space for your becoming, even if it’s different from their own.

�� Level 5: Opportunity Energy

"What if this shift brings us closer or introduces new aligned people?"
There’s curiosity and collaboration here. You start to see that every change in a friendship opens doors for deeper alignment or necessary redirection.

�� Level 6: Flow Energy

"I trust the right people will rise with me."
At this level, friendships feel effortless, expansive and aligned with your highest values. There’s no grasping, just grace.

⚪ Level 7: Oneness Energy

"There’s no separation between giving and receiving love."
This is pure connection. Friendships here are soul-level, transcending ego or expectation. Rare, but powerful when experienced.

So How Do You Navigate Friendship During Change?

Transitions will test your relationships but they’ll also reveal your energetic patterns. Here’s how to move forward consciously:

✅ Get curious, not judgmental – Notice how you're showing up (what level of energy), and how others are too.

✅ Honor mismatches without blame – Some friendships fade. That doesn’t mean they failed. It means the alignment shifted.

✅ Invite new energy – Stay open to friends who match where you are now, not just where you’ve been.

✅ Say thank you loudly or silently – To the ones who stayed. To the ones who couldn’t. To yourself.

✅ Be the kind of energy you want to attract – Every friendship is a mirror. What are you reflecting?

Final Thought: You’re Allowed to Outgrow People

Outgrowing isn’t betrayal. It’s evolution. You’re allowed to choose friendships that nourish the version of you you’re becoming not just the one you have been. Celebrate this evolution.

So go ahead, count your friends on fingers, toes, even add a few imaginary rounds. But more importantly, ask yourself: Are these people reflections of the life I want to live?

Because that’s the circle worth nurturing.

If you want to explore coaching with Praveen, get in touch with us: info@counselingperspective.com

Why are Adult Friendships so tricky

Tue, 01 Jul 2025 04:13:45 GMT

In the course of our adult lives, friendships can shift, drift, and sometimes rupture. In the face of busy, divergent lives and priorities, this is a very natural process, but can be one that causes us confusion, pain, and a great sense of loss. Romantic relationships tend to have a clear beginning, middle, and end and we have the tools from young adulthood to understand the expected transitions. Friendships, however, tend to be more fluid and evolve over time with no set rules of engagement. In addition, each person will have a different perspective on what the friendship means to them, and so it’s no surprise that many people can find themselves struggling with questions like: Why does it feel harder to make friends? Why do I feel disconnected from people I used to feel close to? Is it worth my making an effort in this friendship when I feel I get so little from it? If you have found yourself asking these questions, you are definitely not alone.

As a psychotherapist, I frequently encounter the deep pain that can come with friendship challenges in adulthood. Despite societal norms pointing us towards focusing our efforts on romantic or familial relationships during adulthood, our friendships are equally crucial to our emotional wellbeing. They offer companionship, shared experience, and a vital sense of belonging. And yet, they’re often forgotten about in conversations about our mental health.

So let’s explore how we, as adults, can navigate our friendships with greaterawareness, compassion, and intent.

How to navigate friendships

1. Reflect on your needs
Start by asking yourself: What does friendship mean to me now? What feels nourishing and good? Your needs are most likely very different to what they were five years ago, and it is OK to acknowledge that.

2. Practice clear communication
It’s not always easy, but expressing how you feel - whether it’s hurt at being left out or asking for more time together – will improve the quality of your friendships. Choose a moment when you both feel relaxed enough to be receptive.

3. Embrace flexibility
As life happens around us, some friends can go quiet for months. Babies, burnout - it’s all very real. Whilst this can be confusing or hurtful, a bit of grace and compassion goes a long way and gives the friendship opportunity to evolve to a place of greater understanding and depth.

4. Make the time

Adult friendship isn’t sustained by chance. It’s easy to get wrapped up in life’s demands while time continues passing by. It becomes a necessity to be intentional about making time for your friends. Some ways to do this are by scheduling regular check-ins as you would in work. Dedicate some time out of your busy schedule to call or message a friend as often as you can.

5. Recognise your patterns
Whether you realise it or not, the way you respond to friendships has a lot to do with your attachment style. For example, a person with a secure attachment style is capable of forming nurturing friendships and working through any conflicts that may arise. However, those with more insecure attachment styles may find it harder to let go of friendships that are no longer working and will tend to take any perceived hurt personally.

Final note

We also need to recognise that not all friendships are formed - or maintained - on equal footing.

If you’re LGBTQ+, neurodivergent, disabled, or from a minoritised background, your social landscape may look very different. You may have spent years finding your people, or building a chosen family to replace what blood ties could not offer. Those friendships carry a different kind of emotional weight and often, a depth that comes from shared survival.

Similarly, if you struggle with anxiety, depression, or trauma, then the energy that goes in to maintaining friendships can feel daunting. You might feel the need to disappear for a while, or struggle to reply to messages. That doesn’t make you a bad friend, it makes you human and in need of a self compassion practice.

If you are finding adult friendships difficult, and want to speak to Lili: info@counselingperspective.com

Breathing Into the Essence of Who You Are: A Journey of Identity through Yin Breathwork

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 02:25:35 GMT

What does it mean to truly know who you are?

During Pride Month, we celebrate the beauty of diverse identities and the courage it takes to live authentically. But beyond the labels and roles, there is a deeper essence waiting to be seen—a core self that exists beneath the surface. At Elemental Wellness, we believe that reconnecting with this essence is both a sacred and scientific journey. And breath is the bridge.

The Breath: A Portal to the Subconscious

Yin Breathwork, rooted in Leonard Orr’s Rebirthing Breathwork, offers a gentle yet profound way to access inner truth: not through thinking, but through feeling and presence. This form of conscious, connected breathing helps shift our awareness from the everyday, thinking mind (conscious) to the deeper, quieter terrain of the subconscious.

Why does this matter? Because the subconscious holds the stories, emotional imprints, and beliefs we’ve absorbed, often unconsciously, from culture, family, and lived experience. These inner patterns shape how we see ourselves and how freely we live out our identities.

Through slow, circular breath, Yin Breathwork helps bypass habitual thought loops and opens the door to neuroplasticity: the brain’s natural ability to rewire. When we breathe with intention and softness, we create a relaxed yet alert state, similar to light meditation or REM sleep, where old emotional imprints can surface and be gently released.

Science Meets Soul: The Nervous System and Breath

From a physiological perspective, breath is one of the few automatic functions we can consciously control. When we slow and deepen our breathing, we signal safety to the brain through the vagus nerve, activating the parasympathetic nervous system, our body’s natural state of rest and repair.

This matters deeply for identity work. If we've lived in fight-or-flight, bracing against judgment, discrimination, or internalized shame, our nervous system may associate authenticity with risk. But breath offers another way. It teaches the body that it is safe to soften, to open, to be seen.

Over time, regular Yin Breathwork can help regulate the nervous system, reduce anxiety, and increase emotional resilience. It becomes a quiet revolution within: an unlearning of fear and a return to inner freedom.

Identity: A Living, Breathing Process

We often think of identity as something to define or declare. But what if identity is not fixed, but fluid? What if it’s something we remember , layer by layer, breath by breath?

In a Yin Breathwork session, there is no need to force answers. We simply lie back and breathe, allowing what wants to emerge to rise. The experience can feel meditative, emotional, or quietly powerful. As tension releases from the body, insight often follows about who we are beneath the roles, the expectations, the old stories. Rather than striving for authenticity, we relax into it . This isn’t a quick fix. It’s a return to the self—a remembering of what has always been there. And in that remembering, healing happens

Pride as a Return to Wholeness

Whether you're navigating your gender, sexuality, cultural heritage, or your evolving sense of self, Yin Breathwork offers a sanctuary—a space to return to your body and your truth. There’s no performance. No pressure. Just breath. Just presence. Just you.

This Pride, instead of stepping out, we invite you to step in. To soften. To listen. To discover who you are beneath the noise gently, fully, and unapologetically. Yin Breathwork isn’t about changing yourself; it’s about remembering who you’ve always been.

Join us for a Yin Breathwork session and reconnect with who you truly are.

For booking: info@counselingperspective.com

Shaping Selfhood: How Tech and Social Media Influence Teens’ Identity Formation

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 02:18:04 GMT

Adolescence is a time of profound self-discovery: teens experiment with interests, values, friendships, and personal style as they build their emerging identities. Yet in today’s hyperconnected world, much of that identity work happens on screens.

Rather than exploring who they are through face-to-face interaction, teens now look to social-media feeds, influencers, and online communities to test different selves. Every “like”, filter, and “follow” becomes a data point that algorithms use to mirror back a curated version of the self. This digital reflection can empower creativity and connection, but it can also distort self-worth, foster comparison, and lock teens into narrow, algorithm-driven identities.

In fact, a 2024 Mozilla study (1) found TikTok locks in on a user’s niche within 40 minutes, after which 80% of videos reinforce that same theme, even if the user stops engaging. Over time, teens learn to judge their worth by these algorithmic reflections, embedding a fragile, externally dictated self-image.

Why Teenage Years Are Crucial for Identity Formation

During adolescence, the brain undergoes a dramatic reorganization. The limbic system, which governs emotions and reward processing, matures rapidly around puberty, making teens especially sensitive to social feedback and novelty. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex, responsible for impulse control, planning, and reflection, continues developing into the mid-twenties. This imbalance creates a window where emotional drives often outweigh rational oversight.

Simultaneously, the brain undergoes synaptic pruning and myelination, strengthening neural pathways through repeated behaviors. Online, every click, like, or share provides immediate emotional payoff and simultaneously reinforces circuits that link identity to digital validation loops. This makes adolescence a uniquely malleable, and vulnerable, time for forming a lifelong sense of self.

A World Where Identity Is Always “On” and the Pressure of Perfection

A January 2025 CNA–Institute of Policy Studies survey (2) found Singaporean teens spend an average of 8.5 hours per day on screens, more time than they devote to school or sleep. Globally, 46% of U.S. adolescents report being online “almost constantly,” and 60% feel pressured to present an idealized self for likes and followers (3). In this nonstop digital stage, every scroll, post, and reaction wires directly into the neurons shaping a teen’s self-concept.

Physical appearance is central to many teens’ identities, and social feeds are flooded with airbrushed ideals. Internal Meta research (4) leaked in 2021 revealed 32% of teen girls said Instagram made them feel worse about their bodies. Add to that nighttime scrolling, KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital (2024) (5) found each extra hour of screen use after 10 p.m. raises next-day mood-swing odds by 21%. A sleep-deprived brain struggles with memory consolidation and self-reflection, processes vital for a coherent self-image, rendering teens more vulnerable to comparison and self-critique.

Algorithms can also amplify harmful behaviors as identity expressions. In the Center for Countering Digital Hate’s Deadly by Design (2022) report (6), new teen TikTok accounts encountered self-harm content within 2.6 minutes, and after 30 minutes, one in three videos promoted self-injury or suicide. Likewise, a December 2024 CCDH study (7) of YouTube recommendations found one-third of suggested videos contained harmful eating-disorder content, and 81% were not age-restricted. These loops trap vulnerable teens in a damage-defined identity, where pain and deprivation become badges of belonging.

Community and Exploration

It’s not all negative. Digital spaces can offer critical support for identity exploration, particularly for teens who feel marginalized offline. Online communities around neurodiversity, LGBTQIA+ experiences, or niche interests allow adolescents to test labels, find peers, and receive affirmation they might lack in real life. For example, transition narratives on TikTok help gender-questioning youth learn terminology, access resources, and spot role models. When stories of gender euphoria, the joy and comfort of affirmed identity, are shared online, some teens gain the language and confidence to live authentically. The key is ensuring these affirming narratives support rather than prescribe any one pathway.

Autonomy Under Threat

A stable identity requires privacy and agency over one’s own story. Yet Europol’s EU-SOCTA 2025 report (8) highlights a 1,400% surge in AI-generated nude images of minors as deepfake tools proliferate. In response, schools in Europe and North America now run “deepfake drills” to teach students how to spot synthetic abuse and report incidents. Simultaneously, every tap and like is harvested as data capital: TikTok was fined €345 million in 2023 (9) for mishandling under-16 data, and by age 13, the average U.S. teen accumulates 72 million data points that shape ads, credit offers, and even college recruitment. These incursions can leave teens feeling exposed, monitored, and reduced to a data profile, undermining self-determination.

Building Resilient Identities

Parents can’t, and shouldn’t, unplug technology. Instead, we can transform digital pressures into opportunities for intentional identity work using the these tips:

Presence: Weekly 5-minute Tech Tours where teens guide parents through their favorite apps, validating interests and spotting harmful patterns together.
Educate: Explain algospeak and data harvesting, teaching teens they’re authors of their digital profiles, not products of them.
Agreements: Co-create a Family Tech Charter with mutually agreed limits (e.g., bedtime Downtime, screen-free zones) to bolster self-regulation.
Role-model: Demonstrate healthy detachment, charge devices outside bedrooms and share your own Screen Time stats openly.
Support and Boundaries: Bookmark crisis lines (SOS: +65 7672 4357; IMH helpline: 6389 2222) and enable in-app filters to safeguard mental health.
Alternatives: Encourage one daily offline “dopamine” activities (like sports, music, volunteering) to anchor identity beyond screens.

The Takeaway: Authentic Selfhood in a Digital Age

Technology can accelerate identity exploration and foster creative communities, but without guidance, it can also narrow, distort, and commodify self-concept. By weaving together clinical insight, data-driven understanding, and collaborative strategies, parents can guide teens toward authentic, resilient identities, both online and off.

References

1 Mozilla Foundation. “TikTok: Unpacking Algorithmic Personalization.” Mozilla Research , April 2024.
https://foundation.mozilla.org/en/research/tiktok-algorithmic-personalization-study/

2 CNA & Institute of Policy Studies. “Singapore teenagers spend nearly 8.5 hours per day on screens.” Channel News Asia , January 2025.
https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/screen-time-devices-survey-teens-spend-daily-stress-490828

3 Pew Research Center. “Teens, Social Media & Technology 2023.” Pew Research Center , October 2023.
https://www.pewresearch.org/internet/2023/10/25/teens-social-media-technology-2023/

4 The Wall Street Journal. “Facebook Knows Instagram Is Toxic for Teen Girls, Company Documents Show.” September 2021.
https://www.wsj.com/articles/facebook-knows-instagram-is-toxic-for-teen-girls-company-documents-show-11631620739

5 KK Women’s & Children’s Hospital. “Screen Use and Sleep Patterns in Adolescents.” Journal of Pediatric Sleep , March 2024.
https://www.kkh.com.sg/health-information/child-screen-time-sleep-study

6 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). Deadly by Design . December 2022.
https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/CCDH-Deadly-by-Design_120922.pdf

7 Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). YouTube’s Anorexia Algorithm: Key Findings . November 2024 .
https://counterhate.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/CCDH.YoutubeED.Nov24.Report_FINAL.pdf

8 Europol. European Serious and Organised Crime Threat Assessment (EU-SOCTA) 2025 . March 2025 .
https://www.europol.europa.eu/activities-services/main-reports/eu-socta-2025

9 Irish Data Protection Commission. “TikTok Fined €345 Million for Breaching GDPR.” DPC News , September 2023.

https://www.dataprotection.ie/en/news-media/tiktok-gdpr-345m-fine

When Compromise Feels Like Losing Yourself: How to Know What’s Worth Adjusting For

Thu, 15 May 2025 07:27:53 GMT

When James* (not his real name) walked into my office still holding his motorcycle helmet, he laughed sheepishly. "My wife hates this thing," he said, nodding at the matte-black shell in his arms. "She thinks I’m reckless. But I don’t ride for the danger. I ride because it’s the one place I can think. It clears my head."

His eyes lit up as he described a weeklong ride he’d taken the year before along the Mae Hong Son loop in Northern Thailand with a group of friends. He told me how every twist in the road felt like freedom. "That adrenaline makes me feel powerful," he admitted. "And I feel like I’m supposed to give that part up."

This wasn’t just about motorcycles. This was about what made him feel most alive and whether there was room for that part of him in the marriage. As we learnt more about the layers of their dynamic, a pattern emerged: James adjusted himself to avoid conflict. He skipped out on group rides, sold one of his bikes, made himself smaller, hoping this would preserve peace. Meanwhile, his wife, who deeply feared for his safety, viewed these concessions not as love, but as overdue maturity.

I still remember the moment James asked, in despair, "How much more do I have to give up for this to work?"

It’s easy to overlook how love can subtly ask us to trade parts of ourselves away. When the road that once gave you joy becomes a source of tension at home, when your values and interests feel incompatible with your relationship, what are you really being asked to let go of? How do we know when we’re adapting for love, or slowly disappearing inside it?

When Compromise Turns Into Self Loss

In long-term relationships, some flexibility is necessary. Two adults will never agree on everything. But there’s a difference between adjusting with integrity and eroding your identity. When compromise becomes chronic accommodation, it can stop feeling like love and starts feeling like self-loss.

Most people don’t abandon their needs overnight. The erosion happens in small, well-meaning increments. You learn to read the room. You anticipate disappointment. You shrink in the name of "keeping the peace."

Some clients tell me they’ve always been the reliable one, so they suppress their disappointment to keep the relationship steady. Others confuse love with self-sacrifice, believing that asking for too much will threaten the relationship. And many simply never learned that their emotional needs were valid to begin with, let alone how to express them. The danger lies in how socially sanctioned these behaviors are. Excessive compromising often masquerades as emotional intelligence or resilience - until the quiet resentment sets in.

In my work with clients, I strive to help them unpack not just what they’ve agreed to but why they said yes in the first place. Sometimes it stems from early beliefs about their worth being tied to how easy they are to love. Sometimes, it’s an unconscious habit of keeping harmony at any cost. And often, it’s because no one ever asked them what they needed, so they learned not to ask either.

How to Tell When You’re Compromising Too Much

It is quite hard to know when the line has been crossed. Here are some common indicators.

Healthy compromise should feel like a mutual effort that still honors your core. When it starts to feel like self-censorship, quiet resentment, or emotional shrinking, something needs attention.

Ask yourself:

Do I still recognize myself in this relationship?
When I tried setting boundaries, does my partner listen or shut me down?
Have I stopped asking for what matters because it feels like more trouble than it’s worth?
When I adapt, does it come from a place of love or fear?
Am I growing in this relationship, or becoming smaller within it?

These questions cut deeper than the surface frustrations. They ask you to look at the structure you’ve built and whether it still honors the life you envisioned.

If You’re Already Caught in the Cycle

Start with reconnecting to your internal compass. When was the last time you felt fully yourself? What parts of you have gone quiet?

Name your core emotional needs, in terms of what you value. These are not luxuries; they’re the roots of relational sustainability.

Invite your partner in. Speak before the resentment calcifies. Use affirming language: “I miss the part of me that felt light and spontaneous. I want to bring that back into our relationship, and I need your help to do that.”

And finally, stop trying to fix old patterns with old tools. If the usual ways of working things out aren’t helping, it’s time to step back and rethink the setup, not just who does what, but how you show up for each other and what kind of life you’re building together.

Back to the helmet

When James came in last week, he was still riding. Just less often, more thoughtfully. He told me they had started a new habit: each week, they share one thing they’ve done to support the other’s core needs, and one thing they hope for moving forward.

“She still nags at me about my riding,” he said with a half-smile. “But now, she listens. And I’m starting to get why her sense of safety is tied to care, not control.”

They’re not finished. But they’re just beginning to rewrite what healthy compromise looks like. It’s not perfect agreement, but a shared effort to make room for both people to matter.

By Esther Oon-Bybjerg

esther@counselingperspective.com

Tools to Foster Better Family Relationships

Sat, 03 May 2025 13:00:41 GMT

Family plays a significant role in mental health. Healthy family relationships are characterised by emotionally available, understanding and supportive connections – a safe space where one can feel a sense of love, acceptance and belonging. This way of relating helps to foster emotional intelligence including a greater awareness and understanding of and ability to communicate about of oneself, emotions, as well as the capacity to show empathy for others. Learning from other family members’ skills and behaviours help to build one’s own coping resources. Having strong and consistent emotional support also facilitates resilience building – learning to face and deal with life challenges.

Ongoing conflict or a hostile environment in a family, instability and lack of feeling accepted and understood can have the opposite, negative impact on mental well-being. Whilst adults can also be affected by a challenging family environment, resulting in increased stress, anxiety and depression, children are the most vulnerable in these circumstances and their distress may be expressed in indirect ways such as regression in behaviour, academic difficulties, trouble with sleep, irritable mood, fear, sadness and lack of interest in activities etc.

Here are some key tools to foster better family relationships:

Prioritize open communication – make regular time to check in with each other by asking open ended questions such as “What was the highlight of your day?”, “What are you enjoying/finding most challenging about school right now?” Practice active listening, that is, listening to understand not to respond. Hold a posture of curiosity rather than judgement being keen to learn more about the other person’s perspective rather than being quick to offer your own opinions.
Create a safe and supportive environment – let family members know that it is acceptable to talk about any and all topics without fear. Allow space for feelings to be expressed and build trust through affirmation and validation. Criticism or dismissing emotions leads to a breach of trust and safety.
Have fun together – engaging in activities that are enjoyable or trying new experiences together help to build positive connections. Try a family activity jar where everyone puts in suggestions and each family member gets to a turn to pick an option out of the jar.
Model healthy coping – ensure that adults demonstrate healthy ways of managing stress, emotions and relationship challenges such as physical movement, relaxation, mindfulness techniques. Children learn what they observe.
Ensure healthy lifestyle practices such as adequate sleep, balanced nutrition, and limited screen time. Lifestyle routines go a long way towards regulating emotions, mood and behaviour and set a stable foundation for optimal mental health.

If you are struggling with ongoing family challenges, consider family therapy. It can be a helpful step to facilitate better communication, resolve conflicts and address unhealthy relationship dynamics. For more information and guidance, you can reach out to Claudette Jordan at info@counselingperspective.com

Family Matters

Sat, 03 May 2025 12:46:39 GMT

We all know the term ‘family matters’, which has direct and indirect interpretations, but who knew that long term impact of that phrase and that family, as in our ancestral lineage going back generations, can have direct impact on the current lives we are living and impacting our relationships in the now.

Some would disagree but scientists studying epigenetics and/or transgenerational trauma are finding reason to believe the children and grandchildren of the holocaust survivors, for example, can exhibit symptoms similar to PTSD. The premise is that trauma can be passed through genetic, environmental, social avenues, and the family mythology, even two generations later. It is often recognized in a subtle or profound ways, which can show up in our inherent attitudes or personalities traits or in our unconscious thoughts and behaviors and limiting beliefs.

Personal Mythology is one of the ways we explore these realms, by exploring the narratives that shape our lives and guide our decisions. Sometimes these mythologies are a powerful force driving a person into a successful life. Often these stories are outdated and unnecessary to carrying forward into the next generations.

Family Constellations is another approach to uncovering these outdated patters and poltergeists from the past. It was created by Bert Hellinger and seeks to recognize ancestral trauma, through the patterns or obstacles which are showing up in the current life experience. The goal is to resolve those old conflicts and wounds of the past through a loving and purposeful ritual of closing, which honors the love that binds the family but also seeks to free the unhealthy bonds of those traumas.

One might ask why we would want to look to the past to discover what is happening now. One important reason is for our physical health. These traumas can get trapped as energy, which can be held and felt in the body. Many people report experiencing a specific physical ailment afflicting them the day a loved one passed away, yet the pain never left. It is very common for our clients to seek counseling for an unexplained physical symptom that doctors can’t find the origin of or the cure for. Another reason to explore the past is when we see ourselves repeating unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors that hold us back in relationship or in career success. Whatever the reason we have to question things, there are often answers for those who are willing to seek them with an open mind. New frontiers of research and discovery of what we are capable of knowing is evolving in the same way nature evolves.

But the takeaway from this month’s theme on family is really more of a question: If family mattered then—hundreds of years ago—and still holds the power to shape our lives today, how can we become more instrumental in creating a positive impact and legacy for the generations to come?

The Field of Belonging: Family Constellation and the Wisdom of Lineage

Sat, 03 May 2025 12:22:53 GMT

Some journeys call us back to places we’ve never left—ancestral lands, inner landscapes, and truths buried deep in the bones. My path through Family Constellation work has been just that kind of journey: one of remembering, of witnessing, and of gently returning to what was once left behind.

Born in Japan, I have long carried an awareness of the unseen. Not in a mystical or esoteric way, but through the quiet, grounded rituals of daily life. We bow before ancestral altars, light incense without needing to speak, and visit family graves not just out of tradition, but from a felt sense of connection. There is a sacredness in the way the past is held—not spoken of explicitly but never forgotten.

These cultural roots deeply inform how I experience Family Constellation work. Developed by Bert Hellinger, this method reveals the unseen dynamics that flow through family systems—grief, exclusion, unresolved trauma, and inherited burdens. In constellation sessions, whether in group or one-on-one settings, we step into a “field,” where representatives embody family members or inner parts. Through this embodied, intuitive process, the hidden architecture of our family system becomes visible—and with that visibility, profound healing becomes possible.

While my Japanese heritage first shaped my understanding of connection and remembrance, my journey deepened even further beyond my homeland, in Bhutan. This quietly radiant Himalayan kingdom opened something even deeper within me. I have been blessed to visit Bhutan twice, each time stepping into a different layer of the same sacred story. The land, the people, the pace of life—it all invites a slowing down, a softening, a return.

On my most recent visit, I had the rare opportunity to spend time with a Rinpoche—a recognized reincarnation of a spiritual master. In Bhutan, lineage is not just remembered; it is lived. The presence of a Rinpoche is a living thread, an unbroken chain of wisdom, devotion, and service stretching across lifetimes. His way of being seemed to dissolve time, as though past, present, and future coexisted within his gaze. In Bhutan, lineage is embodied—in rituals, in relationships, in the reverence shown to teachers and ancestors alike. Being in his presence reminded me that healing is not just personal. It is ancestral. It is collective. And it is sacred.

Everywhere in Bhutan, remembrance breathes. Ancestors are honored in every household, invoked in rituals, prayers, and daily life. The landscape is dotted with chortens, monasteries, and prayer flags—reminders that spirit is not separate from the world. In this reverence, I found the essence of Family Constellation. Healing does not begin with fixing the self; it begins with remembering where we come from, and who still walks with us.

Clients often come into constellation work feeling stuck, burdened by emotions or patterns they cannot explain. They might say, “This doesn’t feel like mine,” and they’re often right. We carry the echoes of those who were silenced, excluded, or forgotten—whether a grandfather’s unspoken grief, a mother’s unacknowledged loss, or a sibling who died young and was never mentioned again. These hidden stories live on in us—until they are seen, acknowledged, and allowed to rest.

Family Constellation does not ask us to relive the past. It asks us to see it. To feel what was not allowed, to restore the natural order within the family system. When that happens, something powerful shifts. Love flows more freely. The body softens. The soul exhales.

Bhutan taught me again and again that healing is about realigning with our truth—with our place in the greater web of life. It is about honoring, not clinging; about bowing, not judging.

And that bow is everything in constellation work. When we bow to what was—no matter how painful—we no longer have to carry it unconsciously. We are freed to live our own lives, rooted in love rather than in loyalty to pain.

My second journey to Bhutan deepened this understanding. Where the first visit was filled with awe and discovery, the second brought stillness and depth. I listened not with my ears, but with my heart. I noticed how my breath slowed, how my thoughts softened, how the mountains spoke—not in words, but in silence.

That silence mirrors the constellation field—a vast, spacious place where stories reveal themselves without force. Healing arises not from doing, but from presence. From listening. From remembering.

Today, as a constellation facilitator, I carry these experiences within me: the quiet strength of my Japanese lineage, the sacred wisdom of Bhutan, and the blessing of time spent with a teacher whose life reflects the living thread of transmission. I no longer see Family Constellation as simply a therapeutic method. It is a sacred remembering. A bow to the ancestors. A return to belonging.

And perhaps that is what we are all seeking—not answers, but connection. Not perfection, but presence. Not escape, but a return to wholeness.

In this remembering, we come home—not just to ourselves, but to our roots. We are not separate from those who came before us. We are not alone in our struggles. And we are never truly lost—only waiting to remember where we come from.

Just as families carry invisible threads of connection, so too do organizations and communities. The principles of Family Constellation extend into the wider systems we are part of—the places where we bring our gifts into the world. In the corporate realm, unseen dynamics often shape what flourishes and what falters. By honoring hidden loyalties, acknowledging forgotten contributions, and restoring the natural order within systems, we create spaces where not just individuals, but entire organizations can move forward with greater clarity, integrity, and life force.

To find out more about Family & Systemic Constellation, contact :
info@counselingperspective.com

ADHD & Motherhood: Navigating Challenges, Rebuilding Confidence, and Thriving as an ADHD Woman

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 04:28:59 GMT

ADHD isn’t just something that hyperactive little boys have, and it certainly doesn’t disappear when you grow up. For many women, ADHD remains undiagnosed for decades, leading to overwhelm, self-doubt, and frustration. When motherhood enters the mix, these feelings become even more intense—bringing a daily battle with organization, emotional regulation, and the never-ending mental load.

If you’re an adult woman with ADHD and also a mum, you are not alone. I see you, and I understand the challenges firsthand. Diagnosed at 35, I know what it’s like to spend years feeling like I struggled to do the most simple of things that other mums breezed through—only to later realize that ADHD had been running the show all along. But once you understand your ADHD, you can work with it—instead of it ruling you.

I’ve made it my mission to help women reclaim control over their lives. Through my Balance Quest ADHD Screening & Symptom Management Programme, I guide women just like you in overcoming obstacles and finding strategies that actually work.

The Hidden Struggles of Late Diagnosis

ADHD in women is often misunderstood or dismissed. Many of us grow up being told we’re just "scatterbrained," "too sensitive," or "lazy"—when in reality, we’ve been living with a neurodevelopmental condition that impacts focus, emotional regulation, and executive function.

It’s no surprise that many women don’t get diagnosed until their 30s, 40s, or even later. We spend years masking our struggles, trying to keep up, and wondering why everything feels so much harder than it seems for everyone else.

Common Signs of ADHD in Women:

• Constantly feeling overwhelmed by daily responsibilities

• Difficulty keeping up with schedules, appointments, or deadlines

• Struggling with emotional regulation—frequent frustration, anxiety, or low self-esteem

• Forgetting things (even important ones) or losing track of time

• Being disorganized, despite trying countless planners and systems

• Feeling like you’re "always behind" or "never doing enough"

Does this sound familiar? You are not broken. Your brain just works differently—and that’s okay.

The Invisible Struggles of Motherhood with ADHD

If managing ADHD is already overwhelming, motherhood can make this 10X more challenging. The constant demands, unpredictable routines, and 24-7 caring for children can leave ADHD mums exhausted, overstimulated, and feeling like they’re a failure.

Here’s how ADHD can impact motherhood:

1. Debilitating Overwhelm

Juggling school schedules, meal planning, and managing the household, the never-ending to-do list can feel absolutely impossible to keep up with. ADHD mums often struggle with procrastination and forgetfulness, making keeping on top of things so much harder.

2. Mum Guilt and Staying Calm in Chaos

ADHD affects our impulse control and emotional regulation, meaning that irritability, frustration, or overstimulation can hit really hard—especially when kids demand constant attention. Most ADHD mums feel guilty for snapping at their children or struggling to be patient

3. Sticking To Daily Routines

Planning ahead, following schedules, and staying organized? Easier said than done. Many ADHD mums really struggle with executive function, making ‘simple’ daily tasks like packing lunches, remembering school events, or sticking to a structured routine feel like an uphill battle.

4. When You Doubt Yourself

Many ADHD women have spent their lives masking their symptoms, trying to "keep up" with neurotypical expectations. This can lead to crippling self-doubt and perfectionism, making us feel like we’re constantly falling short as mothers.

5. It Can Become TOO MUCH

The constant noise, touch, and chaos of parenting can be overwhelming for ADHD brains, leading to sensory overload, stress, and emotional exhaustion. This can make it difficult to be present, patient, and engaged.

Struggling doesn’t mean failing. ADHD mums are some of the most creative, compassionate, and resilient women I know. With the right support and strategies, you can turn ADHD challenges into strengths.

How Therapy & The Balance Quest Programme Can Help :

I created Balance Quest ADHD Screening & Symptom Management Programme because I know how life-changing it is to finally understand your ADHD and develop strategies that actually work. It’s not about fixing yourself—it’s about working with your brain, not against it.

Here’s how we can help:

�� Understanding ADHD in Women

Every woman’s ADHD experience is completely unique. In personalized sessions, we explore how ADHD affects your daily life and develop strategies tailored to your specific challenges.

�� Time Management & Organization

We’ll work together to create realistic, ADHD-friendly routines and strategies that help you prioritize, structure, and actually follow through on tasks. No more trying to fit into neurotypical systems that don’t work for you!

�� Emotional Regulation & Stress Management

Learning to manage frustration, anxiety, and mom guilt is key. We’ll use practical techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and breathwork to help you navigate emotions with more ease.

�� Self-Esteem & Confidence Building

Years of undiagnosed ADHD can leave women with a damaged sense of self-worth. Therapy can help you reframe negative self-talk, recognize your strengths, and develop self-compassion.

�� Career & Work-Life Balance

ADHD can make workplace challenges feel overwhelming. We help women advocate for accommodations, improve focus, and develop productivity strategies that actually workwith an ADHD brain.

�� Relationships & Communication

ADHD can impact personal and professional relationships. Therapy provides tools for setting boundaries, improving communication, and deepening connections with partners, family, and friends.

�� Self-Care & Burnout Prevention

Many ADHD women struggle with all-or-nothing thinking around self-care. We focus on realistic, sustainable self-care strategies that fit into your life without feeling like another overwhelming to-do.

Through one-on-one therapy, ADHD coaching, and structured support programs, we provide the tools you need to take control of your ADHD and build a life that actually worksfor you.

You Are Not Failing

If you’ve spent years struggling, questioning yourself, or feeling like you’re constantly falling short—please know this: You are not failing. You are not broken. You are simply a woman with ADHD who deserves support and strategies that work for YOU.

Being a mum with ADHD is challenging, but you’re also a mum with tons of creativity, love, and resilience. With the right tools, you can learn to manage overwhelm and create a fulfilling life.

If you’re ready to take the next step, I’m here to help. Whether you’re newly diagnosed, suspect you have ADHD, or simply want to learn strategies to feel more in control of your life, let’s work together.

�� Book a session with me at Counselling Perspective (in-person or online) and start your Balance Quest today.

�� You don’t have to figure this out alone—because ADHD women deserve support, understanding, and the chance to thrive.

For more information: info@counselingperspective.com

Celebrating Women’s Day 2025 Through Connection

Fri, 28 Feb 2025 09:54:35 GMT

Women’s Day is more than a celebration, it’s an opportunity to rethink women’s major health concerns: stress, one of the leading causes of health issues.

It’s a chance to reflect on healthier ways to cope with it.

As women, how many times have you felt challenged by stress? The kind that follows you through the day and keeps you up at night, tightening your chest as you mentally replay overwhelming worries?

Despite considerable advances, significant gaps remain in our acknowledgement of stress related to gendered caring roles.

While stress is universal, we know that women and men experience it in very different ways. Women are more likely to feel overwhelmed and exhausted by stress. We also know that women are exposed to chronic stress than men. Why it is so?

The silent burden of women

When it comes to women and stress, the answer to this question partly lies in social constructs, role prescription and emotional labor.

Although stress is an unavoidable part of life, for women; it often comes in layers: Being a devoted mother, a family caregiver, a loving and supportive wife, and a successful career woman while maintaining social expectations in terms of beauty, fitness, ageing, and emotional support can beoverwhelming. This, is the invisible burden that women disproportionally carry and that contributes to the strain many women feel daily.

As a result, women often internalize stress by developing perfectionist tendencies as a way to cope with the pressure of juggling multiple roles. This situation is further intensified by the disconnection between what’s expected of women and what is it, really, to be a women in today’s world.

This snowballing effect leads women to put more pressure on themselves trying to solve this complex equation, relentlessly willing to close the gap between social expectations and reality of womanhood.

As a therapist, I have encountered many women facing stressful events struggling with self-defeating beliefs such as “I fail if I can’t do it all” , “ I should stay strong for everyone” or "I should be able to handle everything on my own" . Those thoughts are deeply ingrained in women’s minds and they often reinforce guilt, emotional suppression, and perfectionism;making stress even more overwhelming.

What are the causes of women stress?

The main identified causes of stress are professional life, financial problems, couple life, and health issues.

However, the reality of women balancing multiple roles across professional, personal, and social spheres intensifies stress and exhaustion as they navigate conflicting demands.

Here are common sources of stress for women:

Work-related stress: In the workplace, women's stress often arises from unexpected sources. On the top of their duties as professionals’, women are expected to demonstrate greater empathy, patience, and emotional control. The glass ceiling and gender biases create additional pressure by imposing higher expectations on women. Maintaining work-life balance also remains a constant source of stress.

“Super-women” syndrome: Women often face a “second shift,” balancing professional and domestic responsibilities, which significantly increases stress. Managing schedules, tracking household tasks, and remembering key dates add to their mental load.

Parenting further amplifies this stress, as societal expectations and the "Perfect Mother" myth set unattainable standards. Many women feel compelled to meet these ideals, often at the cost of their own well-being. Women face immense pressure to excel in multiple roles at once. This relentless demand fosters resentment, fatigue, and stress, particularly when their efforts go unrecognized.

Love & Load: As a couple therapist, I experienced several key stressors that women face in their relationships. Traditional gender norms still expect women to prioritize their relationships and family over personal needs. A women may not engage in pursuing her career, stepping up the laddersfearing relationship strain. The struggle to balance self-identity and relationship expectations, combined with guilt and self-doubt when prioritizing personal goals, often creates internal conflict and increased stress for women.

How do we react to stress?

While short term stress can be a source of motivation, chronic stress gradually depletes mental, emotional, and physical health.

Chronic stress impacts all aspects of well-being: psychologically, it leads to emotional exhaustion and low self-esteem; emotionally, it causes breakdowns and burnout; physically, it weakens immunity and increases health risks; and behaviorally, it fosters withdrawal and maladaptive coping.

Early intervention is key to preventing long-term harm.

How to better cope with stress?

International Women’s Day is an opportunity to pause and reflect on better ways to manage stress through healthy and adaptive coping strategies that enhance women’ quality of life and overall well-being.

Here are some healthy strategies to relate to:

1. Separate the Stress from the stressor

When experiencing stress, it is important to separate stress from the stressor. Stress is your body’s physiological response that follows a cycle with a beginning, middle, and an end;while the stressor is the external trigger. You don’t have to fix your problem to release stress.

Even if the stressor (work deadlines, family conflicts or couple issues) is still present, you can release stress physically and emotionally through simple actions like: deep breathing, crying or sharing a warm hug with a loved one. Visualization can be a powerful tool. Closing your eyes and picturing a safe, comforting space helps your body process stress, relax and reset.

2. Be friend with stress

When we experience stress our body respond in different ways, each of them shaping the way we cope with our challenges.

Fight Mode: Reacting with frustration, defensiveness, or aggression. Instead of lashing out, try to pause before reacting and reset your response through deep breathing.

Flight Mode: Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to withdraw. Try to regain a sense of control by breaking challenges into small, manageable and controllable steps.

Befriend Mode: Research shows that this strategy leads to better outcome. Women tend to embrace stress by seeking support rather than fighting or fleeing. They often turn to connection, sharing their worries with their loved ones, which helps regulate the nervous system and alleviate stress.

Recognizing different coping mechanisms allows us to adopt a more constructive approach to managing stress and its triggers.

3. Stress as a lever not a threat

Instead of seeing stress as a threat, reframe your mindset: Stress is just your body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or a response. Stress prepares you to face your challenge.

Instead of seeing stress as a threat, making peace with it allows us to harness its energy, its motivational force, build resilience, and navigate our challenges with greater response.

When your heart races, when anxiety increases just think: “My body is just giving me a motivational force to overcome my challenge” or “How can I use this force for good to mitigate my worries?”.

Shifting our perspective to see stress as a positive force fosters resilience, turning challenges into opportunities. Trusting our ability to adapt is key.

4. Reframing, Is the glass half-full or half-empty?

When worries pile up, stress takes control. That’s the moment to pause and reframe. Ask yourself, “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” Shift from “I’ll never get through this” to “I’ll take it one step at a time.”

Try changing your perspective, identify one potential benefit in the challenge, recall past moments when you successfully managed stress, or focus on a small, actionable step within your control.

Reframing is essential because stress has an impact on our cognitive flexibility, it narrows our thinking, distorts our perspective, and makes challenges feel bigger than they are. Remember, you’re doing your best, and that’s enough!

5. Resonance as a stress relief

To relentless pressure, we, women need to find our own deep connection to the world to healthily cope with stress.

Hartmut Rosa's concept of “Resonance” emphasizes shifting from control to meaningful connection whether in relationships, work, nature, or creativity fostering deeper connection, well-being, and a more fulfilling way of experiencing life.

Instead of viewing life as a checklist of tasks, a relentless pursuit of perfection and performance, or a constant drive for efficiency, we should focus on experiencing life purposefully.

Rather than seeking validation, we need to connect with what truly matters. Instead of feeling trapped by expectations, we should embrace being fully present in the moment and finding joy in the “here” and “now”. Constantly reminding ourselves that our worth is not defined by external standards.

Many activities can help us engage in a form of “Resonance” to ourselves and to the world, including yoga, sound healing, meditation, and gratitude practices.

Keeping in mind that true support for women stress comes from all genders, including men, in a shared commitment to balance, equity, and well-being.

Perimenopause, Self-Esteem, and Your Relationships: How Therapy Can Help

Fri, 28 Feb 2025 09:50:29 GMT

Perimenopause is something that’s rarely talked about and even less understood. This is the time in a woman's life BEFORE Menopause (defined as the cessation of menstruation for at least 12 months), and this is actually when most of the big changes are happening. Even more surprising? That most women over 35 are already in perimenopause, even if they don’t show significant symptoms, this coincides with a woman's drop in fertility.

Perimenopause isn’t just about hot flashes and irregular periods. It’s a deeply personal transformation that can shake your confidence, impact your relationships, and make you question your sense of self. I know this not just as a psychotherapist but also as a yoga master, health coach, and the creator of YogaPause (and author of best-selling book by the same name)—a method I developed after years of working with women navigating this life stage.

I’ve spent over two decades guiding women through transitions, and I’m currently writing my research thesis on self-esteem and relationships in women aged 40-55. I see more clearly than ever how perimenopause can challenge our identity. The good news is that you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy can help you navigate the changes, build your confidence and reframe what you want from life going forward.

How Getting Older Affects Your Self-Esteem

Perimenopause has a sneaky way of making us question ourselves. It stirs up emotions, shifts our bodies in ways we don’t always recognize, and brings up thoughts like: Who am I now? Do I still matter? What the hell am I going to do with my life now?

Here are some of the things that could be chipping away at your self-esteem:

1. Your Body Doesn’t Look The Same

Suddenly, the body you’ve known for decades starts to feel foreign. Weight gain, bloating, thinning hair, dry skin—these changes can make you feel very self-conscious. Many of us look in the mirror and don’t recognize ourselves, we’re self-critical and insecure.

2. Brain Fog

Ever walked into a room and forgotten why? Or struggled to remember someone’s name mid-conversation? Perimenopause can bring cognitive shifts that leave us feeling less than sharp and doubting our abilities. When you start second-guessing yourself, your confidence takes a big hit.

3. Emotional Sensitivity and Self-Doubt

Mood swings, irritability, and feeling emotionally raw are all common. One moment, you feel fine; the next, you're in tears over an advert with an injured hedgehog. When your emotions become unpredictable, it’s easy to start doubting yourself and feeling like you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

4. Women Are Supposed To Be Young FOREVER

Society isn’t always kind to women over 40. From media to workplace biases, we get messages that our worth diminishes with age. Many women struggle with feeling invisible, less desirable, or irrelevant—especially in their careers and relationships.

This Is How Perimenopause Can Impact Your Relationships:

When our self-esteem starts to waver, our relationships feel the strain. I see this time and again in the women I work with. They tell me: I don’t feel connected to my partner anymore. I feel lonely, even when I’m surrounded by people.

Here’s some of the ways perimenopause could be affecting your relationships:

1. You’re Pulling Away From Your Partner

If you’re feeling low about yourself, it’s easy to pull away—emotionally and physically. Changes in your libido, body image worries, and mood fluctuations can lead to less intimacy and more misunderstandings.

2. Your Grumpy and Irrational

Hormonal changes can make emotions feel bigger than normal: Think PMS on Steroids. Small things that never bothered you before suddenly feel overwhelming. If you find yourself snapping at loved ones or feeling unheard, you’re not alone and it’s normal.

3. You Feel Alone In This

Many women say, No one understands what I’m going through. This feeling can lead to withdrawing from social circles, avoiding deep conversations, or even drifting away from close friends. Perimenopause is REAL and big and challenging and you need to be supported by other women who understand and can relate.

4. Changing Family Roles

At this stage of life, many of us are also dealing with our kids growing up and leaving home, ageing parents, or career transitions. All of these stressors can add to feelings of overwhelm, and lack of purpose or sense of self, making it even harder to prioritize relationships.

How Therapy Can Help You Figure Out Who You Are AndWhat You Want From Life 40+

Here’s something I want every woman to hear: You are not losing yourself. You are evolving.Therapy can help you navigate this transition with self-compassion, clarity, and confidence. 40+ can be the best stage of your life - you just need to approach it in the right way.

1. It Can Help You Rebuild Your Self-Esteem

Therapy helps you challenge the negative self-talk that can come with ageing. It’s about shifting the focus from what’s changing to what’s still strong within you - or better yet, what’s STRONGER. Learning to redefine beauty, value, and self-worth is an essential part of this process.

2. Understanding and Managing Your Emotions

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness, and breathwork can be powerful tools for managing hormonal mood swings, anxiety, and self-doubt. In my practice, I often integrate yoga and breathwork and nutrition alongside psychotherapy to help women create a mind-body connection that fosters emotional balance. A full life approach is the most effective way to move forward into this next life stage.

3. Strengthening Your Relationships

Does your marriage have a whole new range of issues? Feeling disconnected from friends? Therapy can help you identify how your self-esteem impacts your relationships and help you communicate what you need and how you’re feeling with confidence.

4. Accepting Your Changing Body

Instead of seeing physical changes as losses, therapy can help shift the narrative to self-acceptance. My YogaPause method combines gentle movement, breathwork, and mindfulness to reconnect women with their bodies in a way that feels empowering rather than defeating. Building physical strength and mental resilience are an essential part of the journey.

5. Finding a New Sense of Purpose

Perimenopause isn’t an ending—it’s also a beginning. Many women feel lost in this transition, but therapy can help them rediscover passions, set new goals, and redefine what fulfillment looks like in this next chapter. This can absolutely be the best time of your life.

You Deserve Support

Perimenopause is more than a biological transition—it’s an emotional, psychological, and deeply personal one. It can feel overwhelming, but help is available.

Therapy provides a space to rediscover yourself, strengthen your relationships, and step into this new life phase with confidence. If you’re feeling lost, struggling with self-esteem, or noticing strain in your relationships, reach out. You are not alone.

Finding a Therapist Who Truly Understands: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

Sat, 01 Feb 2025 06:03:03 GMT

At 17, one of my teachers told me I was dyslexic and that I needed to “work extra hard” to succeed. At 33, an educational psychologist officially diagnosed me with broad dyslexia (Reading Comprehension Impairment) and visual-spatial reasoning difficulties. However, the true turning point in my journey came at 37 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. It was a moment of clarity that reframed decades of self-doubt and burnout.

Burnout and the Breaking Point

The tipping point came when I experienced severe burnout at work. I’ve always taken immense pride in my career, pouring my passion into creating opportunities and fostering growth for others. As an HR professional working for one of the most purposeful organizations, I was determined to give my best. But no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t shake the relentless feeling that I was falling short or that I wasn’t good enough.This internal battle slowly eroded my confidence until I found myself doubting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks. It felt like the harder I tried, the further behind I fell.

The burnout, however, wasn’t just about work. It was the culmination of years of unprocessed emotions, cultural pressures, and the invisible toll of undiagnosed ADHD. For so long, I had been carrying an emotional and mental weight that I didn’t even realize was there. I was trying to meet impossible standards, juggling conflicting cultural expectations, and masking my struggles -including myself - would see how overwhelmed I truly was.

Growing up as a Japanese woman, the cultural pressure to conform was ever-present. The phrase “the nail that sticks out gets hammered” (出る釘は打たれる) loomed large in my life, discouraging individuality and emphasizing the importance of fitting in. This cultural backdrop made navigating hidden disabilities like dyslexia, ADHD, and autism particularly isolating. In many Asian communities, neurodivergence is often misunderstood or seen as something to be “fixed.” Statements like “you just need to work harder” or dismissals of struggles as “bad parenting” are common and contribute to the stigma surrounding mental health. These deep-seated beliefs made seeking support feel daunting and, at times, even shameful.

Meeting Mia: The Power of Relatability in Therapy

In the depths of my burnout, I reached out to Dr. Glenn Graves, my former therapist in Singapore, who referred me to Mia Makino, a Japanese American therapist. From our very first session, I felt an immediate connection with Mia. She didn’t just listen; she truly understood. She recognized the cultural nuances of being Japanese and bicultural, as well as the complexities of navigating the duality between two distinct cultural frameworks.

I did not expect how transformative this sense of relatability would be. Mia’s unique perspective allowed her to address not only the symptoms of my ADHD and burnout but also the deeply rooted cultural stigmas and self-doubt that has been holding me back for so long. Through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), she helped me unpack years of internalized shame and perfectionism - traits so often reinforced by societal expectations in Japan.

Mia’s approach to therapy wasn’t just about the symptoms; it was about empowering me to embrace who I am. She helped me see that my ADHD and dyslexia were not weaknesses but parts of me that could be understood, managed, and even celebrated. Her guidance gave me permission to stop fighting so hard to fit into a mold that was never meant for me.

Sharing My Story to Empower Others

Seeking therapy and working with someone who truly understood both my neurodivergence and my cultural identity was one of the most pivotal decisions of my life. It gave me the tools to heal, the courage to embrace my authentic self, and the clarity to redefine my path.

By sharing my story, I hope to encourage others to seek support and break free from the stigma surrounding mental health and neurodivergence. Diagnoses like ADHD are not limitations; they are opportunities to better understand ourselves and to create lives that align with our strengths and needs.

For anyone navigating similar challenges—whether cultural, neurodivergent, or both—know that you are not alone. The right support, whether through therapy, coaching, or community, can make a world of difference. And remember, the journey toward self-compassion begins with the courage to embrace who you are, unapologetically and wholeheartedly.

A New Chapter: From Healing to Advocacy

Thanks to Mia’s support, I’m now transitioning into a new chapter of my life. I’m designing training programs and workshops for HR professionals and leaders in Asia to help break the stigma surrounding neurodivergence. My mission is to create workplaces that are inclusive, supportive, and free from discrimination—environments where people can thrive regardless of their differences.

I’m also pursuing certifications as an ADHD and executive coach to support individuals who may feel isolated or misunderstood. I want to be an advocate for those struggling in silence, helping them find their voice, their confidence, and their potential.

For so long, I believed that being the “nail that sticks out” was a flaw. But now, I see it as a strength. Every challenge I’ve faced has brought me closer to understanding who I am. And in that understanding, I’ve found not only healing but also purpose—the opportunity to help others embrace their own journeys and create a world where the invisible becomes invincible.

Satomi Ogata

https://www.linkedin.com/in/satomi-beyondbias/

Interpersonal Relationships from the Perspective of Reiki

Tue, 28 Jan 2025 06:50:34 GMT

In the journey of life, interpersonal relationships play a fundamental role. From a Reiki perspective, these connections are not just human encounters but profound opportunities for spiritual growth, energy exchange, and mutual healing.

Universal Energy and Relationships

Reiki is based on the idea that everything in the universe is connected through universal energy. Every relationship we form—whether with family, friends, colleagues, or partners—is influenced by the flow of this energy. When our energies are balanced and flow harmoniously, our interactions also tend to be more positive and enriching.

However, when our energies are imbalanced, conflicts, misunderstandings, and tensions may arise. Reiki teaches us that by healing and balancing our internal energy, we can also improve our external relationships.

The Importance of Self-Healing

Working with Reiki begins with oneself. Before attempting to heal or improve a relationship, it is essential to look inward and ask: What aspects of my energy need attention? Am I projecting insecurities, fears, or resentments onto my relationships?

Through self-healing, we can balance energy, foster self-love, and strengthen our ability to establish healthy boundaries. This creates a solid foundation for interacting with others from a place of integrity and authenticity.

Healing Relationships Through Reiki

Reiki offers tools to heal relationships on an energetic level:

1. Sending Energy to Relationships: Using the distance healing technique, practitioners can direct positive energy toward a specific relationship. This does not mean controlling or manipulating the situation but sending intentions of peace, harmony, and mutual understanding.

2. Energy Cleansing: Relationships can accumulate dense energy due to conflicts or past experiences. Reiki can help release these burdens, allowing for a fresh start.

3. Chakra balance: Each relationship may be associated with one or more energy centres (chakras). For instance, communication conflicts may relate to the throat chakra, while trust issues may link to the heart chakra. Working on these centres can unblock and restore harmony.

Daily Practices to Foster Healthy Relationships

In addition to specific Reiki techniques, we can incorporate habits into our daily lives to nurture our relationships:

· Practicing Gratitude: Recognizing and appreciating the blessings each relationship brings, even in challenges.

· Meditating for Empathy: Using guided Reiki meditations to develop a deeper understanding of others' emotions and perspectives.

· Setting Clear Intentions: Before interacting with someone, we can set a positive intention, such as fostering peace or strengthening mutual understanding.

Unconditional Love as a Guide

One of the fundamental principles of Reiki is unconditional love. This concept invites us to accept others as they are, without judgment or attempts to change them. In relationships, this means offering support, respect, and understanding, even when facing differences.

Reiki reminds us that every person we encounter is a reflection of ourselves. By honouring this connection, we can transform our relationships into sacred spaces of learning and evolution.

Conclusion

From a Reiki perspective, interpersonal relationships are more than mere interactions; they are an exchange of energy and an opportunity for healing and growth. By working on our internal energy, we can create a positive impact on our relationships and experience deeper, more harmonious, and meaningful connections. This inner work also extends outward, promoting collective healing and nurturing a greater sense of unconditional love and compassion in the world

Is Your Relationship Due for a Mindset Reset?

Tue, 28 Jan 2025 06:46:43 GMT

Your partner forgets to text you back after a long day, and you think, "They don’t care about me." Or they casually mention plans with friends that don’t include you, and you wonder, "Am I not important to them anymore?" These passing negative thoughts may seem trivial, but they reflect deeper narratives we unconsciously construct about our partners and relationships.

In relationships, the way we think about our partners and their actions matters deeply. As relationships evolve, we develop beliefs about our partners and the relationship. These beliefs shape how we feel, act and respond to them.

As a couple therapist , I have witnessed how it is often not the events themselves that drive disconnection, but the interpretations and narratives we attach to them.

Relationships get strained by negative thought patterns because these hidden beliefs about our partners and their actions silently erode connection and fuel resentment. However, a simple shift in mindset can improve the quality of your relationship.

The Cycle of Negative Perception

We often assume that our perceptions of reality are objective. However, our minds act as powerful filters, shaping how we interpret our partner's words and actions. For instance, if you believe, “They don’t care about me,” a forgotten text message might feel like proof of neglect. On the other hand, if you think, “They’re doing the best they can,” the same situation might seem like a genuine oversight which is understandable.

These thoughts set the emotional tone for your relationship, influencing how you feel during moments of connection or tension. Small disappointments or unmet needs that go unaddressed can gradually shift your perspective, leading you to interpret interactions through a lens of frustration or resentment. This process can be driven by cognitive biases which are mental shortcuts that help us process information quickly, but they can also distort reality in ways that harm relationships.

Here are some common thought patterns that I often see in couples:

Confirmation bias
Selectively focus on evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring anything that contradicts them. If you believe your partner is inconsiderate, you'll likely notice every instance of forgetfulness while overlooking their thoughtful gestures.

Black-and-white thinking
Seeing things as either all good or all bad, such as “They never listen to me” or “They’re always selfish.” This mindset prevents you from seeing the complexities in your partner’s behavior and stops you from appreciating the shades of gray in their actions.

Personalization
Interpreting your partner’s actions as a direct reflection of their feelings toward you. For example, when they’re late, you might think, “They don’t respect my time,” instead of considering that they could be dealing with an unexpected situation.

Mind reading
Assuming you know your partner’s thoughts or intentions without asking or clarifying. If they don’t initiate physical affection, you may think, “They’re not attracted to me anymore,” when they may simply be tired or dealing with stress.

Catastrophizing
Jumping to the worst possible conclusion, such as thinking, “This argument means we’re heading for a breakup,” instead of seeing it as a normal part of any relationship.

Negative filtering
Focusing only on your partner’s flaws while disregarding their positive qualities. For example, after a few instances of your partner being late, you may start seeing them as unreliable, ignoring all the times they’ve been on time.

Ways to Reset Your Mindset

Changing entrenched thought patterns isn't about ignoring or avoiding important issues. It's about cultivating a more mindful and intentional approach to your relationship. Negative thoughts can quickly escalate emotions, leading to impulsive reactions that hurt the relationship. A mindset reset helps you assess the situation more objectively respond more thoughtfully.

Here are some strategies to break free from the negative thought patterns.

Cultivate gratitude
Instead of focusing on what's wrong, consciously seek out moments of kindness, no matter how small. Appreciate the thoughtful gestures your partner makes. Recognizing these efforts reinforces the positive in your relationship, helping you see your partner in a more favorable light.

Challenge your assumptions
The next time a negative thought arises, pause and challenge it. Ask yourself, "Is there another way to interpret this?" Instead of defaulting to "They’re not prioritizing me," try reframing it as "They’re just overwhelmed with deadlines right now." This shift in perspective can defuse unnecessary tension and foster a deeper understanding between you and your partner.

Seek clarification, not conclusions
Instead of jumping to conclusions based on a fleeting moment, engage in conversation. For example, say, “I noticed you seemed quiet earlier. Would you like to talk about it? Asking questions shows genuine interest in your partner’s feelings and prevents misunderstandings.

Embrace a growth mindset
See challenges as opportunities for growth, not signs of incompatibility. When conflicts arise, view them as chances to improve your communication and problem-solving skills together. A growth mindset allows you to navigate difficulties as a team, strengthening your bond and building mutual support.

Assume positive intent
Start from a place of trust. Believe your partner cares about you and is doing their best. Even when things don’t go perfectly, choosing to assume positive intent softens the impact of misunderstandings. This mindset fosters patience, understanding, and deeper trust between you and your partner.

When to seek help

Sometimes, deeply ingrained thought patterns are challenging to shift on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the root causes of these patterns, understand how they affect your relationship, and learn tools to address them.

By recognizing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns, we can create space for mutual empathy, understanding, and respect. These changes don’t happen overnight, but with patience and intentionality, even small mindset shifts can lead to profound transformations.

Finding Love in the Time of Swipes

Tue, 28 Jan 2025 06:37:31 GMT

Amanda* (not her real name) sat on the couch opposite me, phone in hand, staring at the freshly downloaded dating app. Again. It wasn’t the first time she had sworn off swiping, declaring herself done with the endless loop of mismatched conversations and vanishing connections. But here she was, redownloading it after another short-lived hiatus.

“Maybe this time,” she said, “there’ll be better options?” Yet, a part of her knew this pattern all too well - the mix of hope and hesitation, the lure of possibility clashing with memories of frustration. Amanda’s experience is far from unique. For many, dating apps represent both opportunity and emotional exhaustion, a seemingly endless cycle of deleting, reinstalling, and wondering if meaningful connections are still out there.

While dating has always had its challenges, the digital age has introduced unique complexities that require a different kind of navigation. From a therapist’s perspective, modern dating offers unique opportunities for growth while testing one’s ability to navigate uncertainty and vulnerability. It provides invaluable insights into emotional awareness, boundary-setting, and personal values. By taking a closer look at the most common challenges in modern dating, we can uncover strategies to approach them with courage, curiosity and intentionality.

The Double-Edged Sword of Dating Apps

Dating apps are a prime example of modern dating’s double-edged sword. Take, for instance, the cycle many people find themselves in: downloading an app with hopeful optimism, swiping through matches, and engaging in a few conversations that seem promising. Then, after a string of awkward exchanges or being ghosted, the frustration sets in. The app gets deleted. Weeks later, optimism creeps back in, and the app gets reinstalled. It’s a love-hate relationship that feels all too familiar to many.

This pattern highlights the paradox of choice, a psychological concept popularized by Barry Schwartz. When faced with too many options, our ability to make satisfying decisions diminishes. Dating apps, while offering a wider pool of potential matches, can leave users feeling overwhelmed and disheartened. To break free from this cycle, it’s helpful to set boundaries. Limiting the time spent swiping and focusing on meaningful conversations rather than sheer volume can make the process more manageable and enjoyable.

Decoding Mixed Signals

Mixed signals are another frequent challenge in modern dating. Imagine meeting someone who seems genuinely interested, only for their communication to become inconsistent. Plans get cancelled, being left on read, and you can’t help but wonder whether to hold on or move on. This ambiguity often stems from the indirect nature of digital communication, where tone, body language, and intent are easily lost.

Studies on interpersonal communication reveal that nonverbal cues play a significant role in understanding emotional intent. Without them, misunderstandings are common. The key to navigating this is clear and direct communication. Asking straightforward questions about intentions can reduce uncertainty and help establish where you stand, sparing yourself unnecessary overthinking.

The Pain of Ghosting

Ghosting - abruptly cutting off communication without explanation - is a particularly painful phenomenon in modern dating. It leaves individuals questioning what went wrong and often triggers feelings of rejection. Research shows that ghosting activates areas of the brain associated with physical pain, underscoring the deep emotional impact it can have.

Understanding that ghosting often reflects the ghoster’s avoidance tendency as well as discomfort with confrontation rather than your worth can be a powerful reframe. It’s a reminder that closure doesn’t always come from external validation but from self-compassion and acceptance.

The Reality of Rejection

Rejection is another universal experience, yet it remains one of the hardest to navigate. It often prompts negative self-reflection, leading individuals to question their attractiveness or compatibility. However, resilience research highlights the importance of reframing rejection as redirection. It’s not about your shortcomings but about aligning with someone whose values and goals better match your own.

By adopting a growth mindset, rejection becomes less about failure and more about learning. This perspective not only builds confidence but also fosters a healthier approach to future connections.

The Pressure to Be Perfect

Social media adds another layer of complexity to modern dating, often creating pressure to present an idealized version of oneself. The curated lives portrayed online can set unrealistic standards, making dating feel more like a performance than an authentic experience.

Focusing on authenticity rather than external validation can help alleviate this pressure. By being genuine and present, you create deeper, more meaningful connections that are built on trust rather than appearances.

Navigating Dating Fatigue

The repeated cycles of connection and disconnection can lead to dating fatigue, where the process feels draining rather than exciting. To counter this, it’s important to prioritize quality over quantity and allow yourself breaks when needed. By approaching dating with realistic expectations and self-care, you can renew your energy and optimism.

A Practical Perspective on Modern Dating

Modern dating isn’t about a perfect formula or guaranteed success. It reflects the complexities of human connection in a fast-paced, technology-driven world. Dating apps and other digital tools are neither inherently good nor bad - they’re simply one of many resources available to foster connection. While these platforms can be frustrating, they also offer opportunities to meet people you might never encounter otherwise.

Rather than viewing apps as the definitive path to love, see them as one piece of a broader approach. Pair their convenience with intentionality: prioritize offline interactions, nurture existing relationships , and remember that your self-worth isn’t tied to your online presence. Modern dating doesn’t need to be a source of despair. It can be a reminder of the resilience and adaptability required to maximize the evolving ways we connect as humans

The Attraction of Opposites: Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Are Drawn Together - and How to Make It Work

Tue, 28 Jan 2025 06:28:55 GMT

It’s often said that opposites attract, and nowhere is this truer than in the dynamic between anxiously attached and avoidantly attached partners.

At first glance, it might seem counterintuitive that someone who craves closeness would be drawn to someone who finds comfort in distance. But beneath this surface contradiction lies a powerful, if imperfect, symmetry: each brings a piece that the other is missing.

An anxious partner often feels alive in love, highly attuned to emotional shifts, and brings warmth and passion to their connection, while an avoidant partner offers a stabilizing sense of self-reliance and calm independence.

When these traits align initially, the appeal is magnetic. Anxious individuals may feel both intrigued and soothed by an avoidant’s confidence and space-keeping, feeling that this independence offers them something steady and stable.

Meanwhile, avoidant partners are intrigued by the anxious partner’s emotional depth and enthusiasm for connection, bringing warmth and care that feels both exciting and challenging

In the early stages, these differences feel complementary, sparking an initial attraction that can feel like a perfect balance.

Yet, over time, these differences can also create an inevitable friction.

Understanding the attachment styles behind the dynamic

At the core of these differences are two distinct attachment styles, which are shaped by early life experiences. Anxious attachment often stems from inconsistent caregiving, where love and attention were sometimes present, sometimes withheld, leaving a sense of unpredictability.

As a result, those with anxious attachment often pursue closeness, fearing abandonment, and feel safest in relationships where closeness is constant.

Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is typically rooted in a different type of early experience - where independence was emphasized, or emotional distance was the norm. This leads avoidant partners to value autonomy and self-reliance, often shying away from the vulnerability that closeness requires.

When these two attachment styles come together, the anxious partner’s desire for closeness can unintentionally drive the avoidant partner to distance themselves, setting up a frustrating cycle of misunderstanding.

Traits of an anxious-avoidant relationship

In anxious-avoidant relationships, contrasting attachment styles often lead to recurring patterns that, if unrecognized, can create stress and misunderstanding.

The first and most prominent pattern is the pursuit and withdrawal cycle . When the anxious partner seeks closeness, it may feel overwhelming to the avoidant partner, who responds by pulling away to regain a sense of autonomy. This withdrawal, however, triggers the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading them to seek even more reassurance -a cycle that can quickly become emotionally draining for both.

Communication challenges add further strain. Anxious partners typically value frequent, intimate communication, while avoidant partners might interpret this as intrusive or dependent. This difference in expectations often leads each partner to view the other as either dismissive or overly clingy, creating frustration and disappointment.

During conflicts, the clash is often heightened: anxious partners may push for an immediate resolution to restore closeness, while avoidant partners retreat, needing space to process alone. This mismatch in conflict management can lead to unresolved issues and long-term resentment.

Over time, these patterns often contribute to emotional dissatisfaction , with the anxious partner feeling insecure and the avoidant partner feeling pressured, resulting in emotional exhaustion for both.

The hidden strengths of anxious-avoidant relationships

Despite these challenges, anxious-avoidant relationships hold unique strengths that can create the basis for a lasting partnership. Each partner brings distinct qualities that, when recognized and nurtured, can form a powerful, complementary dynamic.

Anxious partners are typically deeply empathetic and committed, bringing warmth and emotional depth to the relationship. They model vulnerability and openness, encouraging avoidant partners to explore closeness.

Avoidant partners, meanwhile, bring resilience and self-reliance, qualities that help ground the relationship, which in turn offers the anxious partner a sense of security. Together, these strengths enable each partner to complement the other in ways that build mutual respect and a balanced connection.

Breaking the push-pull cycle

While the push-pull dynamic may seem frustrating, breaking the cycle is possible with mutual understanding and a shared commitment to growth.

The first step is to shift perspective on attachment-related behaviors, recognizing them as coping mechanisms shaped by past experiences. This perspective encourages both partners to view each other's actions with empathy rather than frustration, seeing them as responses to deep-seated fears and needs.

Practicing compassionate reactions can also ease tension; for instance, if the anxious partner feels their needs aren’t being met, the avoidant partner might validate their feelings with a simple acknowledgment: “I understand that closeness is important to you.” Such responses foster a supportive environment where both partners feel heard.

Celebrating progress as each partner steps out of their comfort zone reinforces positive changes and a sense of teamwork. Whether it’s the avoidant partner initiating an emotionally open conversation or the anxious partner giving space without needing immediate reassurance, these small victories build trust and create a sense of shared accomplishment. By recognizing these moments, partners reinforce a collaborative approach to their relationship, strengthening the bond in ways that feel safe for both.

Transforming the Dynamic: Moving Toward a Healthier Connection

As each partner understands their own and each other’s attachment styles, intentional steps can help cultivate a more secure relationship.

Anxious partners can work on self-soothing and building self-confidence outside the relationship, which reduces the need for constant reassurance. Calm, clear communication of their needs can also help avoid overwhelming their partner.

Avoidant partners can take gradual steps toward emotional openness, learning that vulnerability doesn’t mean a loss of independence. Intentional moments of closeness provide reassurance for the anxious partner and help the avoidant partner build comfort with intimacy, establishing a foundation of security for both.

When Opposites Work: Embracing a Balanced Partnership

As the anxious partner learns self-reliance and the avoidant partner becomes comfortable with closeness, these couples can balance their differences in a way that enriches both connection and independence. With empathy, effort and a commitment to growth, even the most contrasting attachment styles can come together to form a loving, enduring relationship - proving that opposites not only attract but can also thrive.

New Beginning - Setting Intentions for a Fulfilling 2025

Tue, 31 Dec 2024 06:34:40 GMT

As we welcome 2025, the energy of a new beginning surrounds us—a chance to reflect on what truly matters. This year, let’s shift from traditional resolutions to something more lasting: setting intentions. Intentions are powerful, guiding principles rooted in our core values. Unlike rigid resolutions, intentions foster a purposeful, meaningful approach to life, grounding us in who we truly want to be rather than what we feel pressured to achieve.

Intentions: A Path to Holistic Living

At Elemental Wellness, we see intentions as seeds of growth planted within our mind, body, and spirit. They offer a holistic foundation that centers us in the present moment, helping us cultivate a life of alignment and fulfillment. Unlike resolutions that demand specific outcomes, intentions focus on nurturing our internal experience, making space for lasting change.

Consider these examples as inspiration for your own intentions this year:

1. Mind: "I intend to create space for clarity and calm, inviting peace of mind amidst the day-to-day."

2. Body: "I will listen to my body’s needs and care for it with nourishment, movement, and rest."

3. Spirit: "I aim to nurture connection, choosing gratitude and self-compassion as my guiding values."

By focusing on these elements, we can shape a path that encourages us to grow from within.

Creating Rituals for Lasting New Beginnings

Rituals give structure to our intentions, grounding them in daily practice. They don’t have to be complicated—simple acts can keep us connected to our values and intentions. Here are a few suggestions:

- Morning Reflection: Begin each morning with a moment of calm or a breathwork practice. Even a few minutes of focused breathing can align you with your intentions.

- Intentional Writing: Write down your intentions regularly—whether as a word, phrase, or affirmation. Keeping these notes visible helps us stay connected throughout the day.

- Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness, whether through intentional breathing, body scan, meditative reflection, or simply spending time in nature, can deepen our connection to our intentions on both a physical and emotional level.

Finding Strength in Community

Living with intention becomes even more meaningful when we share our journey with others. At Elemental Wellness, we are passionate about fostering a supportive community where people can connect, inspire, and grow together. Through workshops, group sessions, and coaching, we offer spaces to help you stay anchored in your intentions. Together, we can encourage and uplift one another in our paths to fulfillment.

Throughout my journey, setting intentions has been nothing short of transformative. As a co-founder of Elemental Wellness, I’ve witnessed how living with intention isn’t just a choice but a powerful shift—one that brings profound peace, clarity, and purpose. For 2025, my commitment is to live with deep presence and purpose, trusting that this alignment will create a life of richer meaning and fulfillment. My hope is that, together, we can help you embrace this same grounded path, empowering you to cultivate a year filled with authenticity, connection, and inner strength.

Setting Your Intentions

As we start this new chapter, I invite you to set intentions for the year ahead. Write down one intention for your mind, body, and spirit. Reflect on them regularly, letting them serve as a compass to guide you with clarity and compassion. In 2025, may you find purpose, resilience, and connection, supported by a community dedicated to holistic wellness.

Welcome to a year of alignment, new beginnings, and deeper meaning. Here’s to a fulfilling 2025.

Love, Sex, and Relationships in Therapy: A Holistic Approach

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 12:44:01 GMT

As a therapist and tantric practitioner, I've learned that when people come to discuss their relationships, they're often bringing layers of complex emotions and unmet needs. Over the years, I've seen how love, sex, and relationships are so deeply interconnected that you can't address one without impacting the others. Whether you're working on relationship issues alone or with your partner, considering all three together can be the key to significant change.

In therapy, treating these aspects as a whole is where the real transformation happens. It's not about fixing what's broken; it's about helping you create a life and relationship that feel fulfilling, both emotionally and physically.

Why Love, Sex, and Relationships Must Be Treated As A Whole

Emotional and Physical Intimacy

One couple I worked with felt stuck in their relationship. What seemed like communication issues was actually an emotional disconnection directly tied to their lack of physical intimacy. One partner felt shut out emotionally, and as a result, the other was pulling away sexually because he didn't know how to express his feelings. Addressing both their emotional and physical intimacy together led to real shifts in their relationship.

Sexual Health and Relationship Satisfaction

Clients often think their sexual struggles are purely physical, but these issues usually point to something deeper. I worked with a couple whose physical relationship had fizzled out over the years. Avoiding the topic entirely, they didn't realize that the emotional disconnect was affecting their sexual health. Bringing their sexual well-being into the conversation revealed unmet needs, allowing them to rebuild that aspect of their relationship.

Individual Growth vs. Couple Dynamics

Individual growth is just as important as relationship growth. Many clients come to work on their relationship as an individual. Thai could be because their partner doesn’t want to come to therapy; it’s something they can’t or don’t want to discuss with their partner or they’re recovering from divorce or a break up and want to get rid of unhealthy relationship patterns. One client of mine kept attracting the same types of men, which ultimately led to her having negative experiences. Through therapy, she realized her relationship with love and sex had been shaped by unhealed early experiences. By focusing on her own personal healing, she was able to have healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

The Benefits of Holistic Therapy for Love, Sex, and Relationships

Integrative Therapy Approaches

Training in Dr. Tammy Nelson's integrative approach, which treats emotional and sexual intimacy together, has shown me how sexual challenges often mirror our emotional struggles. I worked with a couple married for nearly 20 years who loved each other but the physical spark had gone. It was so important to explore both the emotional and physical aspects of their relationship, and this helped them rebuild intimacy from the inside out.

The Role of Tantra in Strengthening Bonds

Tantra is an invaluable tool for couples looking to reconnect on a deeper level. When people hear the word ‘Tantra’ they immediately think about sex, but there is so much more to it than that.Tantra is actually a spiritual practice that aims to integrate the body, mind, and spirit and includes a range of teachings, meditation and rituals. I remember working with one couple, who felt like they’d lost the closeness they once had after years of marriage. They weren’t sure how to get it back, and the pressure to “fix” their sex life felt overwhelming. I introduced them to some simple Tantra-inspired exercises — not focusing on sex itself, but on breathing together and being fully present with each other. Using small, intentional practices can help couples to find their way back to intimacy. It wasn’t magic; it was simple mindfulness.

Working On Yourself NOT Just Your Relationship

One client loved her partner deeply but felt her own needs were constantly on the backburner. Through therapy, she realized that being in a relationship didn't have to mean neglecting herself. We explored her desires, her personal boundaries, and the importance of loving herself as an individual, which ultimately strengthened her relationship. She found that attending to her own needs made her feel more balanced and was better able to be there for her partner.

How Therapy Can Help Individuals Address Love and Sexuality

Unpacking Your Personal Beliefs About Love and Sex

We all have core beliefs about love and sex, often stemming from our upbringing. One of my clients grew up in a strict household where sex was never discussed and surrounded by shame. As an adult, he struggled to enjoy sex due to this subconscious guilt. In therapy, we unpacked these core beliefs, where they came from and allowed him to question and rewrite these narratives. This shift opened up new possibilities for intimacy in his relationship.

Healing Sexual Trauma and Shame

Sexual trauma can have profound effects on relationships, and it's something I approach with great care. One client that I worked with experienced trauma in her teens had never felt comfortable discussing it. In therapy, we worked through her deep-seated feelings of shame and fear, helping her reconnect with her body in a gentle, safe way using Somatic practices. Seeing her move toward self-acceptance and opening up to relationships and intimacy was very emotional.

Improving Self-Esteem and Sexual Confidence

For some clients, the root issue is a lack of confidence. One client came to me feeling self-conscious about her body and unsure how to communicate her desires. We focused on encouraging her to love her body and soul; and building her self-esteem and sexual confidence. Gradually, she began to see herself differently, becoming more confident not just in the bedroom but in every area of her life.

How Therapy Supports Couples in Navigating Love, Sex, and Relationships

Reigniting Desire

Dr. Nelson's practices for reigniting desire have been transformative for many of my clients. Couples often end up feeling like "roommates" rather than romantic partners. We start by helping them reconnect emotionally, then explore practical ways to reignite physical desire. It's about creating a safe space where desire can naturally revive, not about forcing intimacy.

Communicating Your Needs and Boundaries

Communication is everything in relationships, including discussions about sex. Many couples avoid these conversations for years. Couples therapy will provide a space to practice talking about needs and boundaries. Once they begin, couples often find their connection deepens in their everyday life in unexpected ways, because of that opening up and honesty.

Tantra-Inspired Practices for Connection

Sometimes, the simple practices create the most powerful changes. Incorporating Tantra-inspired exercises focusing on touch, breath, and presence can help to create a sense of closeness that couples may have thought was gone forever.

Why Address Love, Sex, and Relationships Holistically

Understanding that love, sex, and relationships are interconnected helps everything make more sense. Emotional disconnection can lead to physical distance and vice versa. Looking at the bigger picture rather than fixing one problem at a time allows for finding balance.

Our sexual well-being is closely tied to our emotional and physical health but often gets overlooked or ignored. Focusing on your sexual well-being can impact every area of your life. A healthy, fulfilling relationship—whether with yourself or a partner—is the foundation of a happier, more balanced life.

Integrative Therapy that addresses love, sex, and relationships holistically is where real, sustainable change happens. By integrating techniques from various therapy styles or Tantra practices, you can create opportunities for lasting change—not just in your relationships but in every area of your life.

“Grief is Simply Love with Nowhere to Go”

Sun, 01 Dec 2024 12:38:10 GMT

“Grief is Simply Love with Nowhere to Go”

Quote from Chris Hall Chief Executive Officer of the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement

As I sit down to write this piece, I’m reminded of a young woman, let’s call her Sally, who was utterly inconsolable after losing the love of her life 6 months before they were to be married. So profound was her sorrow, she struggled to find the strength to carry on. She was so enveloped in despair that it became difficult for her to distinguish whether it was her partner who had passed away or, in fact, herself. As a couple, they were not merely two separate individuals; they had become one. In losing him, she felt she had lost herself. Her pain was both physical and emotional.

Grief is often described as a heavy, inescapable weight, a profound and overwhelming sense of loss. Yet, at its core, grief is simply ‘ love with nowhere to go’ . When we lose someone we cherish—a partner, a friend, a family member—the emotional pain we experience is a pure reflection of the depth of our love for them. In my work, I have witnessed the myriad ways grief manifests in individuals, but I have also seen the transformative power of allowing ourselves to feel that love, even amidst the sorrow.

The Journey of Grief

Grief is not linear; it’s a journey filled with twists, turns, and U-turns. Let’s not forget those U-turns that catch us off guard—moments when we think we’re managing our grief, only to be blindsided by something unexpected. In an instant, we find ourselves spinning 360 degrees around the roundabout, heading right back down Grief Highway.

Grief encompasses a wide range of emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes even guilt. There is often an unspoken expectation to "move on," to heal quickly, return to normal life. But, for anyone that has lost their ‘someone’, the thought of “moving on” is horrifying. It implies that life you shared, that love you shared, were simply moments, moments we can and should “move on” from, leave behind, in a sense forget. Instead we move forward in our grief. Move forward until we get to a place where it doesn’t hurt quite as much. Move forward till we get to a place where we can accept this new relationship we have with our someone. Embracing our grief in this way allows us to honour the love we shared with the person we have lost.

Acknowledging Emotions

The first step in traveling through grief is to acknowledge your emotions. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or lost. It’s equally acceptable to experience moments of joy when remembering your loved one. These emotions are all part of the tapestry of love, even though they may feel conflicting. Allow yourself to sit with your feelings; give them space to breathe. Writing in a journal, talking to a trusted friend, or expressing your thoughts through art can help release the pent-up emotions associated with grief. Talking to a professional can also help guide you through this uncharted territory you never chose.

“Take Baby-steps and Wrap Yourself in Cotton Wool”

As you navigate through your grief, practice self-compassion. Understand that it’s okay to have bad days where the weight of your loss feels particularly heavy. Grant yourself permission to take your time. Engage in self-care activities that nurture your spirit— go for a massage, walk in nature, or simply taking a moment to breathe deeply. These small acts of kindness toward yourself foster healing and allow love to circulate within you.

The advice I gave Sally, and all of my grieving clients since, is to

Seeking Support

While the journey through grief can feel isolating, it is essential to seek support. Surround yourself with individuals who understand—friends, family, support groups, or a counsellor. Sharing your story and emotions can alleviate feelings of loneliness and create a sense of community. Remember that you are not alone on this journey; others have walked similar paths and can offer comfort and understanding.

Finding Meaning in Grief

One of the profound aspects of grief is the opportunity it provides to reflect on the love that was shared. Consider how you can keep your loved one’s memory alive. Create rituals or traditions that honour them—lighting a candle, cooking their favourite meal, or sharing stories about them with others. Such acts serve as a way to remember and also transform the grief into an ongoing expression of love. Sally once shared with me that she ‘mysteriously’ looked at her digital watch every day at the exact same time. The digits happened to reflect her fiancee’s date of birth. Seeing this every day, made her smile and served as a beautiful reminder of the love they both shared.

Embracing the Journey

Grief is an expression of love, a testament to the bonds we share, and a reminder that while our loved ones may be gone, the love we hold for them will always remain in our hearts. Embrace this process, and allow yourself the grace to move through it, step by step.

Ultimately, grief is not about forgetting, but about transforming love into something that can continue to exist, even in the absence of the individual. As we travel through the landscape of our emotions, we learn to carry our love with us, finding new ways to express it.

……….and as for Sally. With the love of family, friends and professional support she sought, she moved through her grief. She found love again and now has a family of her own. But every single day she looks at her watch at that ‘special time’ and she smiles, filled with love for her special person.

Men’s Health Champions IMD2024

Thu, 31 Oct 2024 05:44:55 GMT

Men’s Health Champions is the theme of International Men’s Day 2024 and for me it prompts the question, what is men’s health and why is it necessary that we focus on it?

In today’s society, there remains a patriarchal messaging that men should “be strong” and “don’t feel” (show emotion) which has an impact on men’s physical and mental health such that they often leave seeking help until the last moment.

Many men have experienced the camaraderie that is developed through playing sports or when working out physically in some way. However, many of these sports or workouts reinforce the aforementioned negative messages by portraying the following as strength:

1. Aggression

2. Control and dominance

3. No display of vulnerability

4. Win-lose mentality

These messages serve to “contract” men emotionally, discouraging vulnerability and authentic expression, while reinforcing a limited and ultimately harmful view of masculinity that values control over compassion and conflict over compromise.

We learn in Tai Chi and Qi Gong (I am an instructor of both) that, beyond the impact on our relationships and society, such messages restrict the flow of Qi which is expressed in poor physical and mental health. Through the practice of Tai Chi and Qi Gong, we challenge all ofthese messages in an embodied way. At the most basic level, we work with the body and the nervous system as our vehicle to access our higher self (the mind). By learning to ‘open’ and ‘make space’ within the body, one begins to start to practise the art of ‘release’ – completely the opposite of what the world tells us, but its value has been evidenced over several thousand years.

What belies the slow, gentle movement of Tai Chi and Qi Gong is how physically demanding it really is as a journey of transforming the physical body and the mind that moves it. Like all authentic internal arts training, real strength comes not from aggression but through release, control is achieved by giving it up, and becoming vulnerable is made possible by the co-creation of a safe space.

As we navigate today’s world where people are expected to be everything to everyone (perhaps my way of saying that there is an implicit societal pressure for us to be politically correct all the time), the definition of what it means to be a man seems to be more politicised than ever before. In the debate around traditional vs. evolving masculinity, gender roles and family dynamics, men’s rights vs. feminism, workplace & economic pressures and more, the increasingly complicated discourse around masculinity will have significant impact on one’s physical and mental health, as well as one’s relationship with others. Finding a safe space to examine our unique perspectives and lived experiences on what it means to be a man is key to managing these stressors and to become better versions of ourselves.

===

Jason’s men’s work is informed by Systems-Inspired Leadership, Co-Active Coaching, Transactional Analysis and a host of other counselling approaches, plus nearly 35 years practice of classical martial arts including internal energy arts.

From Shame to Self-Compassion: Navigating Vulnerability in Therapy

Thu, 31 Oct 2024 05:40:08 GMT

As a therapist, I have observed that shame is a prevalent topic among my clients. Often, when exploring their presenting issues and underlying causes, shame emerges as a significant factor. It is a subject that resonates deeply with me, both personally and professionally. My own therapeutic journey, coupled with the professional interactions with my clients, has solidified my understanding of shame in the human experience.

According to Brown, shame is "the fear of being unlovable—a profound sense of believing we are flawed and thus unworthy of love and connection."1. Unlike guilt, which relates to specific actions, shame questions our very essence: "I did something bad" versus "I am bad." I think this definition is really important to understand what is going on for us. We often mistakenly label feelings of shame as "guilt" or "badness." Recognizing the true nature of shame is essential for addressing it effectively.

Shame is essentially a strong dislike of who we are, a fear of disconnection. It is also a universal human experience, familiar to everyone. We often experience shame more frequently than we realize, not only in major life events but also in our daily interactions. Shame can be triggered by rejection from a partner, a critical remark from a colleague, comparisons with perceived successes of friends, or our children's misbehavior. Opportunities for shame abound in our lives. Despite its universality and prevalence, shame often remains hidden, a topic we avoid discussing. However, research2 shows that suppressing shame can amplify its power. Thriving in secrecy, shame feeds on our reluctance to acknowledge and share it, rooted in the belief that vulnerability will make us unlovable. Shame, therefore, disconnects us and undermines our sense of belonging. We are wired for connection and belonging and, when we cannot access those experiences, our own sense of humanity is wounded.

While discussing the topic of shame with my clients, I have observed that it is a particularly prevalent issue for many men, often stemming from societal pressures that discourage emotional vulnerability. Traditional expectations of masculinity, emphasizing self-reliance and emotional restraint, can make men less likely to share their vulnerability with family and friends or to seek professional help. However, this reluctance to seek help leads to disconnection, as mentioned above, contributing to higher rates of untreated mental health issues like depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and even suicide. In Singapore, in 2023, men accounted for 69%3 of the suicide cases reported in Singapore.

The therapeutic approach I like to follow when helping clients to acknowledge and process their shame and stems from Brown and Dr. Neff's research and it revolves around three steps:

1. Owning Our Stories with self-compassion: Firstly, instead of avoiding or distracting ourselves from experiencing shame, we can confront and understand our experience. What triggered the shame? Where and how did the shamemanifest in the body? How did we respond to it? Secondly, we can apply self-compassion. Dr. Neff defines self-compassion4 as treating oneself with kindness and understanding during difficult times, rather than being overly critical or judgmental. Self-compassion is not about self-pity or, as many clients point out, about complacency, it is about recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience, rather than feeling isolated in our struggles and it is about being aware of painful thoughts and feelings, rather than ignoring them or identifying with them. By being curious and compassionate about the triggers and significance of these moments, we reclaim agency over our narratives and, as a consequence, preserve our self-worth by preventing ourselves from falling into the usual shame narrative of “I am bad”.

2. Responding to Shame: Cultivating curiosity and compassion about our responses to shame also allows us to choose our reactions intentionally. By understanding our habitual responses and opting for self-affirming actions, we weaken shame's grip on our lives.

3. Sharing Our Stories: Once we own our stories we can share them with someone who we know will offer unconditional love and acceptance. This can be a therapist, a trusted friend or family member. This sharing process fosters our ability to be vulnerable and allows us to ask for what we need, counteracting shame's isolating effects, and helping us to cultivate authentic connections.

Ultimately, the journey to understanding shame is complex but vital for experiencing genuine connection and belonging. By acknowledging and confronting shame, we pave the way for authentic relationships and a profound sense of belonging.

1 Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. New York: Penguin/Gotham Books.

2 Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.3483

3Samaritans of Singapore (SOS). (2023, July). Highest recorded suicide numbers in Singapore since 2000 [Press release]. Retrieved from https://www.sos.org.sg/media/press-releases/

4Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: Hodder & Stoughton.

How Dis-ease Brought Me Back to Ease with My Health

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 10:28:24 GMT

Life has a way of surprising us, often when we least expect it. I had been working in a fast-paced, high-pressure role, driven by metrics, deadlines, and the constant need to perform. My daily routine involved back-to-back meetings with up to eight executives, leaving little time for even basic necessities like eating. In an attempt to find some respite from work, I threw myself into intense workouts—sometimes twice a day. It became my escape, but in hindsight, it was another form of stress I placed on my already taxed body.

At that point, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship that had lasted eight years. In my desire to regain control and confidence, I focused solely on physical exercise, ignoring crucial elements like nutrition, rest, and, most importantly, my mental health. It wasn’t sustainable, but I couldn’t see that then. My focus was on external goals—getting stronger, faster, fitter—but internally, I was crumbling.

Then I got the call that changed everything. During a routine corporate health check, the doctor found a shadow, a mass growing on my lungs. I was diagnosed with lymphoma, a cancer of the immune system. Suddenly, everything I had been pushing aside—the pain, the exhaustion, the emotional baggage—became impossible to ignore.

The next few months were filled with grueling cancer treatments: eight rounds of chemotherapy and 21 rounds of radiation. My focus shifted from perfection to survival. But as I went through treatment, I knew something had to change. I couldn’t keep going at the pace I had been.

So, I started exploring alternative therapies to complement my medical treatments. I tried sound therapy, Ayurveda, and then, unexpectedly, I found BodyTalk. To be honest, I came into my first session as a skeptic. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but what unfolded during that session was nothing short of transformative.

Without me sharing a word about my story, the BodyTalk practitioner was able to pinpoint life events and patterns that had impacted my health. And then something even more surprising happened: after months of being unable to lift my arms due to a keyhole surgery, I was suddenly able to raise them above my head. The release was immediate, both physically and emotionally.

What makes BodyTalk so powerful is its holistic approach. It doesn’t just address symptoms; it looks at the entire person—your emotions, experiences, environment, and how everything is interconnected. Through BodyTalk, I realized that my disease wasn’t just a physical illness—it was the result of years of unhealed trauma, chronic stress, and a lack of self-care. I had neglected my mental health for so long that it had manifested in my body.

BodyTalk became a key part of my recovery. It didn’t just help shrink my tumor—it gave me a new perspective on my life. Within two months, I entered remission, but beyond that, I found emotional healing and a renewed sense of self-worth. I learned to accept and love all aspects of myself, even the ones I had been avoiding for years.

Today, as a certified BodyTalk practitioner, I use what I’ve learned to help others heal. I’m passionate about showing people how interconnected their mental and physical health really are. Cancer was my wake-up call, but you don’t need to wait for a crisis to start prioritizing your mental well-being.

If you're struggling with stress, illness, or just the weight of life, don’t wait to address your mental health. Explore options like BodyTalk, or any holistic practice that resonates with you. Healing isn’t just about treating symptoms—it’s about understanding the full picture of who you are.

"Expressive Art Strategies for Enhancing Youth Mental Health: A Creative Approach to Managing Rumination"

Sun, 29 Sep 2024 10:25:28 GMT

A Rumination, the tendency to repeatedly dwell on distressing thoughts and feelings, can significantly aﬀect the mental health of young people. It can lead to increased anxiety and depression, impaired problem-solving, social withdrawal, academic challenges, sleep disturbances, and even physical health issues. To combat these eﬀects, incorporating expressive art strategies can be a powerful tool for youth, allowing them to process their emotions and experiences creatively. Here are several eﬀective techniques that can help:

1. Journaling with Art

Encouraging expressive journaling that combines writing with drawings or collages can be incredibly beneficial. This approach allows youth to articulate their thoughts and feelings visually, facilitating emotional processing and helping them release ruminative thoughts.

2. Mindful Doodling

Engaging in freeform doodling or mandala drawing while focusing on the present moment can serve as a calming distraction from negative thoughts. This practice promotes relaxation and helps redirect attention, providing a mental break from ruminative cycles.

3. Emotion-Based Painting

Providing canvases and paints allows young people to express their emotions through color and form. This non-judgmental approach encourages them to paint how they feel, enabling an emotional release without the pressure of creating a perfect piece of art.

4. Storytelling through Art

Creating visual narratives—such as illustrations or comic strips—can help youth represent ruminative thoughts or experiences. This technique fosters perspective-taking and can aid in reframing negative thoughts into more manageable narratives.

5. Sculpting and 3D Art

Working with clay or other tactile materials allows for a hands-on approach to emotional expression. Sculpting feelings can provide a grounding experience, oﬀering a physical outlet for emotions that can often feel overwhelming.

6. Music and Sound Expression

Encouraging youth to create playlists that resonate with their emotions or to write and perform songs can be a powerful means of processing complex feelings. Music often serves as a bridge to self- expression, helping to articulate what might be diﬃcult to say.

7. Photography Projects

Having young people take photos that reflect their feelings or capture moments of peace can shift their focus towards positive experiences. This practice encourages mindfulness and helps them appreciate the present, reducing the grip of ruminative thoughts.

8. Guided Visualization and Art

Combining guided visualization exercises with drawing or painting allows youth to visualize calming scenes or resolutions to their ruminative thoughts. Creating art based on these images can further enhance emotional processing and relaxation.

9. Group Art Therapy

Facilitating group sessions where youth can share their art and experiences fosters a sense of community and connection. This supportive environment can help reduce feelings of isolation, making it easier to navigate mental health challenges together.

10. Art Journaling Prompts

Providing structured prompts—such as "Draw a time when you felt overwhelmed and how you overcame it"—can guide young people in processing their ruminative thoughts. This structured approach encourages reflection and helps them articulate their experiences more clearly.

Conclusion

These expressive art strategies not only assist in managing rumination but also promote self- expression, emotional awareness, and healing. By integrating creative outlets into their coping mechanisms, youth can cultivate healthier ways to navigate their feelings, ultimately supporting their

mental well-being. Encouraging open discussions about emotions and fostering supportive environments will further aid in reducing the prevalence of rumination among young people.

The seeds we sow: A therapist's gratitude

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 03:58:33 GMT

There's a quiet magic that unfolds within the walls of a therapy room. It's a space where vulnerability finds sanctuary, where broken pieces find solace, and where, like a gardener nurturing a seed, a therapist witnesses the extraordinary potential held within each client. Today, I want to share a story that fills my heart with a profound sense of gratitude - a story about transformation and the courage to chase dreams.

Meet Sarah (name changed for privacy). When Sarah first walked into the office, her eyes held a deep well of uncertainty. She had recently undergone a major medical treatment, and the after-effects were more than just physical. Sarah felt lost, her sense of purpose and direction stolen by the illness. Her spirit, once radiant and vivacious, now seemed to retreat behind a wall of unworthiness and invisibility.

“I feel like a minion,” she confessed, her voice barely a whisper. “I don’t know what to do with myself.” The fear in her eyes mirrored the fear so many of us grapple with - the fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, the fear of not being enough.

Our sessions became a safe haven where Sarah could explore these fears without judgment. Together, we embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. Through the gentle art of cognitive reframing, emotional regulation and grounding exercises, she learned to anchor herself in the present moment, finding solace in the stillness that lay within.

Therapy was more than just navigating the shadows; it was also about rediscovering the light within. We started to unearth Sarah's forgotten talents and passions, hidden beneath the dust of self-doubt. One seemingly ordinary detail emerged during a session: her homebaked crackers, the family favorites that were relished at every gathering. Despite the consistent praise for their flavour, Sarah dismissed the possibility of turning them into a business. "But who would buy them?" she'd say, a question laced with insecurity. Yet, a flicker of hope remained – a hesitant "maybe" that hinted at a buried dream.

That "maybe" became the seed we nurtured. Here, my role as a therapist extended beyond simply providing tools and techniques. I became Sarah's cheerleader, her fervent supporter. When her inner critic, that harsh and belittling voice, grew loud, I helped her persevere. Through cognitive behavioural and emotional efficacy therapy, we learned to quiet the negativity and amplify the voice of encouragement within. It's a common battleground within many clients' minds - a tussle between the daunting inner critic and the soft whispers of a nurturing, supportive voice. We therapists become skilled listeners, attuned to these internal conversations, and empower our clients to shift their mindsets.

With gentle guidance, we brainstormed ideas and faced down the inevitable "what ifs?" In her kitchen, Sarah poured her heart and soul into perfecting her recipes, refusing to settle for anything less than excellence. Each batch of her homemade delights was a labor of love, a testament to her dedication and unwavering commitment to her craft. Through word-of-mouth, orders started pouring in.

And then, today, Sarah walked into the office and held out a small brown paper bag. "These are for you," she said, her voice brimming with a mix of pride and apprehension.

Inside were a handwritten note and her artisanal crackers. The aroma of freshly baked crackers filled the room as I eagerly opened the packet. Each bite offered a delightful contrast of textures, the flavors of olive oil and rosemary dancing on my palate.

More than just delicious, these crackers were a testament to Sarah's journey. They were a tangible manifestation of her resilience, creativity, perseverance and courage to chase her dreams.

We therapists don't offer magic solutions. What we offer is a space for growth, a supportive hand to hold, a gentle nudge in the right direction, and the belief in the potential that resides within each person. Being a therapist comes with the privilege of witnessing the human spirit in all its complexity – the vulnerability, the strength, the resilience. It's about planting seeds of hope, nurturing them with empathy and compassion, and seeing them blossom into something extraordinary.

And sometimes, those extraordinary outcomes come in the form of the most delicious crackers you've ever tasted. Today, I savor them, not just for their flavor, but as a symbol of the human spirit's inherent power to rise, to create, and to thrive.

[Published with Client’s permission]

Finding Peace and Gratitude Amidst the Hustle: A Path to Inner Harmony for Professionals

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 03:54:58 GMT

In the whirlwind of high-profile careers, it can feel like we're constantly chasing one deadline after another, striving to achieve goals, meet expectations, and juggle responsibilities. It’s a cycle that can leave us feeling stressed, uncentered, and far from the peace we seek. But amidst this fast-paced lifestyle, it's possible to find peace and gratitude, to ground ourselves and reclaim our inner harmony. Let’s explore how we can achieve this balance using insights from yoga and Buddhist teachings.

The Illusion of Control

We often believe that control over our external circumstances will lead to peace. We think, "If only I can finish this project, get this promotion, or manage my team more effectively, then I’ll be happy." But as Sadhguru eloquently puts it in his book Inner Engineering, “Peace and joy are the basis of your life, and not the result of it.” This profound insight shifts our understanding of peace as something not to be chased externally but cultivated internally.

Grounding Ourselves in the Present

Sadhguru reminds us, “The only way to experience life is in the now; the past and future exist only in your mind.” As professionals in high-stakes roles, we often find ourselves living in the future—anticipating problems, planning strategies, and worrying about outcomes. This future-focused mindset keeps us in a constant state of tension.

Grounding ourselves in the present moment, through simple practices like mindful breathing or a few minutes of silent reflection, can reconnect us with a sense of peace.

Consider listening to audio meditation guide at any time of your day. We recommend “White Light Shield Meditation” from InsightTimer;

Link here: https://insighttimer.com/pub5340285/guided-meditations/white-light-shield-of-protection_1

This small act of mindfulness can bring us back to the present, calming the mind and reducing stress and with regular practice, can help to protect our energy and self from the outside noise.

The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude is a powerful tool in the journey towards inner peace. When we focus on what we have rather than what we lack, we shift our mindset from one of scarcity to one of abundance. The Buddha teaches that “gratitude is a direct path to peace.” By appreciating the small joys and blessings in our lives, we cultivate a sense of contentment.

A practical way to incorporate gratitude into your daily routine is by keeping a gratitude journal. Each day, take a few minutes to write down three things you are grateful for. There are many Gratitude Journals available on amazon and our recommendation for you is: The 5-Minute Gratitude Journal.

Try this calm morning routine for 7 days:

Find a calm peaceful spot around your home or find a peaceful spot in the park nearby, a warm cup of herbal tea such as Blue Pea Flower. Take a moment of quiet and peace by sipping your warm herbal and write down in your gratitude journal. This practice not only grounds us but also opens our hearts, making us more resilient to stress.

Why should you consider sipping on Blue Butterfly Pea Ayurvedic Tea instead of coffee?

Clitoria Ternatea or Butterfly Pea Flower, known as Ajaparita or Shankpushpi in India - a herb widely used in Ayurvedic medicine as a brain tonic and memory enhancer. Shankhpushpi has been used for centuries as a means to promote higher intelligence and a more expanded world view. In a more physical sense, the herb can help to eliminate hypertension, anxiety, asthma, stress-related disorders, epilepsy, insomnia, urinary disorders, hyperthyroid disease, constipation, and numerous neurodegenerative diseases including dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. The herb works primarily by supporting the central nervous system.

Embracing Impermanence

One of the core teachings of Buddhism is the concept of impermanence. Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, explains, “Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible.” This idea can be liberating, especially for those in high-pressure roles. It reminds us that no matter how overwhelming or stressful a situation may be, it is not permanent. Change is the only constant.

Accepting impermanence allows us to let go of our need for control and perfection. We begin to understand that it’s okay to have moments of stress, but these moments do not define us. By embracing the flow of life, we become more adaptable and less burdened by the ups and downs of our careers.

Creating Sacred Spaces

Creating a sacred space can be a powerful way to find peace. This doesn't have to be a physical space; it can be a few moments in your day dedicated to self-care and reflection. As Sadhguru suggests, setting aside time for yoga, meditation, or simply sitting in silence can create a sanctuary within ourselves.

Imagine starting your day with a few minutes of meditation, focusing on your breath and setting an intention of peace and gratitude. This small ritual can act as a buffer, protecting your inner peace throughout the day. You can also end your day by reflecting on what went well, expressing gratitude for those moments, and letting go of any tension before you sleep.

The Gift of Self-Compassion

Finally, in our quest for peace and gratitude, self-compassion is vital. We are often our harshest critics, especially in high-stakes roles where the pressure to succeed can be immense. Remember, it’s okay to feel stressed, and it’s okay to seek help. Recognizing our humanity and treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend in need can make a profound difference.

Last few words from us…

Finding peace and gratitude is a journey, not a destination. It’s a practice that we cultivate daily, moment by moment. By integrating mindfulness, gratitude, acceptance of impermanence, and self-compassion into our lives, we can navigate the demands of high-profile careers with a sense of inner calm and joy. As we make peace and gratitude a priority, we not only improve our well-being but also enhance our ability to lead and inspire others.

Remember, the greatest gift you can offer yourself, and the world, is your own inner peace. As Sadhguru says, “If your interiority is such that you are in a beautiful state of experience, everything around you will be naturally enhanced.” Let peace and gratitude be your compass, guiding you to a more centred, grounded, and fulfilling life.

Peace & Light,

__________________________

Start your path in finding inner peace and harmony with us this September!

The Holistic Approach to Addiction Recovery: Sound Healing and Yin Breathwork at Elemental Wellness

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 10:03:23 GMT

At Counseling Perspective, we understand that addiction is a complex issue that requires a holistic approach to achieve sustainable and lasting recovery. We approach addiction through a compassionate counseling, recognizing it as a nuanced and intricate challenge that touches on various aspects of an individual's life, including psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual dimensions.

Our approach is rooted in understanding the underlying emotional and psychological factors contributing to addiction, and we emphasize the importance of holistic healing. As we believe more holistic and spiritually mindful approach to mental health, our dedicated wellness team, Elemental Wellness, offers a wide range of complementary holistic therapies designed to nurture every facet of an individual's life, promoting harmony, inner peace, and a deeper connection to oneself alongside our counselling services. This integrated approach allows us to support our clients more fully, encouraging balanced and fulfilled living achieving the “wholeness”.

At Elemental Wellness, we incorporate sound healing and Yin Breathwork into our holistic approach to enrich physical and emotional healing while fostering spiritual growth and connection. This comprehensive method supports addiction recovery and enhances overall well-being, complementing our counseling services.

Sound Healing

Sound healing is a transformative therapy that harnesses the power of vibrational sound to restore balance and harmony within the body and mind. By using resonant instruments such as singing bowls, gongs, and crystal bowls, sound healing creates deep, harmonious vibrations that penetrate body cells and tissues, facilitating profound relaxation, emotional release, and mental clarity. This holistic practice promotes healing by addressing physical discomfort, reducing stress, and fostering spiritual growth, making it a powerful complement to traditional therapeutic approaches and a catalyst for overall well-being.

How does Sound healing help addiction recovery?

1. Reduces Stress and Anxiety:

Sound healing induces deep relaxation through soothing vibrations, helping to lower stress and anxiety levels. This relaxation can ease withdrawal symptoms and cravings, making the recovery process less daunting and more manageable.

2. Facilitates Emotional Release:

The resonant frequencies of sound therapy can help individuals access and process suppressed emotions and trauma. This emotional release supports the healing of underlying issues that contribute to addiction, complementing the insights gained through counseling.

3. Enhances Mindfulness and Self-Awareness:

Sound healing encourages mindfulness by bringing focus to the present moment through its rhythmic and harmonic qualities. This enhanced awareness helps individuals stay grounded, making it easier to implement coping strategies and insights from counselingsessions.

4. Promotes Spiritual Connection:

Many people in recovery seek a deeper sense of purpose and connection. Sound healing fosters spiritual growth and a sense of inner peace, providing a meaningful context that can strengthen an individual's commitment to recovery and personal transformation.

5. Supports Overall Well-Being:

By addressing physical and emotional imbalances, sound healing enhances overall well-being. This holistic approach complements counseling by supporting a balanced, integrated recovery process that nurtures both the mind and body.

Yin Breathwork

Yin Breathwork, rooted in Rebirthing Breathwork founded by Leonard Orr, utilizes conscious connected breathing to create a profound healing experience. This practice is a gentle style of breathing using only nasal breathing in a circular intentional pattern, inducing deep relaxation and emotional release. Unlike other breathwork styles that are holotropic forceful mouth breathing, Yin Breathwork values the importance of gentleness focusing on the breath’s natural flow thereby you can connect more deeply with your inner self, fostering a greater understanding of your emotions, thought patterns and spiritual well-being.

How does Yin Breathwork help addiction recovery?

1. Activation of the Parasympathetic Nervous System:

Deep, slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, promoting relaxation and counteracting the body’s stress response. Yin Breathwork lowers stress and anxiety levels. This reduction in stress can alleviate withdrawal symptoms and cravings, making the recovery process more manageable.

2. Facilitates Emotional Release:

The conscious connected breathing in Yin Breathwork helps release stored emotions and trauma. This emotional detoxification supports healing from the underlying issues that often contribute to addiction.

3. Enhances Mindfulness and Self-Awareness:

Yin Breathwork encourages mindfulness through connected breathing. This heightened self-awareness helps individuals recognize and address triggers and patterns associated with addiction.

4. Supports Emotional Resilience:

By fostering a deeper connection to oneself and enhancing emotional balance, Yin Breathwork builds resilience. This inner strength is crucial for navigating the challenges of recovery and maintaining long-term sobriety.

5. Promotes Physical Relaxation and Healing:

Conscious breathing techniques enhance oxygen flow to the brain and body, supporting detoxification and improving overall physical health. The practice helps release physical tension and improves overall relaxation. This physical relaxation supports the body’s healing process and recovery from the impacts of addiction.

Both sound healing with Yin Breathwork can create a powerful synergy, amplifying the benefits of each practice. Sound vibrations can deepen the breathwork experience, while conscious breathing can enhance the receptivity to sound frequencies. In addition, these therapies can lead to profound spiritual experiences, fostering a deeper connection to oneself and the universe. This spiritual awakening can provide a sense of purpose and meaning, crucial for sustained recovery. Together, they provide a comprehensive approach to healing that addresses the mind, body, and spirit.

Holistic therapies like sound healing and Yin Breathwork offer a transformative approach to addiction recovery. By addressing physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, these practices foster deep healing and resilience. As the understanding and acceptance of holistic approaches continue to grow, more individuals can benefit from these powerful, integrative therapies on their journey towards sobriety and overall well-being.

Strategies for Addiction Recovery

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 09:59:02 GMT

Recovery from addiction is not an easy or simple path. Whilst each person’s journey is unique, there are some effective tools that can be helpful to navigate the challenges and facilitate progress. The most essential piece is creating a recovery plan. Having a desire and the intention to stay sober are not enough for recovery and to prevent relapse. In fact, many may find that after choosing abstinence, life may initially feel worse as the coping mechanism/s one has been using to numb, escape or avoid are no longer. A recovery plan should include the specific types of support that you will engage, strategies for dealing with triggers, underlying emotional concerns that may be associated with the addiction, areas that require new coping skills, self-growth and development. Here are some suggestions for creating an effective recovery plan…

1. Work with a therapist who understands addiction. Addiction is complex and involves many different components – behavioral, emotional, mental, spiritual and physiological. Recovery also requires learning new skills to cope and manage life in a fundamentally different way. Apart from addressing the various behavioural changes that are necessary for recovery, teaching effective coping skills and helping you devise an individual recovery plan, a therapist can aid with addressing other mental health challenges that are often associated with addiction, such as depression, erratic mood, anxiety, trauma, stress which is crucial to prevent relapse. Besides unmasking other emotional struggles and potential root causes of addiction, the early stages of recovery may bring other complex emotions and experiences including identity struggles, feelings of loneliness, grief and loss. Having a safe individual space to work through these challenges is helpful. Furthermore, brain chemistry can be significantlyimpacted by addiction, resulting in neurotransmitters that are out of balance. A trained therapist may also be able to assess the need for medication as an additional support to improve emotional stability which can be crucial to the recovery process.

2. Support is vital – establishing your support systems is an important part of a recovery plan. Consider joining a support group and finding a sponsor. Individuals struggling with addiction can be plagued by feelings of shame, self criticism and judgment. Attending regular support group meetings provides you with a sense of belonging – a community of people that can identify with your struggles and share in your journey. Besides being a good resource to learn more about addiction, support groups provide an opportunity to glean from others who have been on the recovery path can alert you to the practical, mental and emotional challenges that you will face. Group support provides inspiration on your journey, empowers you to believe that recovery is possible is a place to celebrate your progress. In time, being part of a group allows you to support others and appreciate your own personal growth and development. Finding a group that feels safe and comfortable for you, where you do not feel pressure or high expectations is important. This may mean attending a few different ones in order to find a good fit, but it is worth the effort especially as extensive research shows that attending regular group support significantly increases one’s chance of achieving and maintaining long term recovery.

Identify the friends and family members that can be a source of encouragement to you as well. If you are used to doing life in isolation, joining a group or taking a risk to open up to family and friends can be challenging but taking this step helps you to acknowledge where you are at, keeps you accountable and builds courage to be authentic

3. Identify and understand your triggers and cravings. Triggers can be people, places, situations, feelings, thoughts that stir cravings. Besides identifying and understanding triggers, developing a specific strategy for how you will cope with each trigger is imperative. For example, if being stressed is a trigger, how will you deal with moments when you are worried or overwhelmed? If money is a trigger, how will you handle getting your regular pay checks? Strategies for triggers and cravings need to be clear and precise and it is important to develop these strategies with your therapist and/or sponsor.

4. A recovery plan also needs to include improving self-care skills, not just lifestyle habits such as diet, exercise and sleep, but self-care tools that facilitate healthier connection to yourself and others, such as assertiveness, communication, resolving conflict and setting boundaries.. Paying attention to your personal growth and development such as taking up a hobby or engaging in new activities, being creative, discovering what brings you joy - are useful towards building your sense of self, fulfilment, meaning and purpose, preventing boredom and providing opportunities for new relationships. In this way, self-care helps with the much needed restoration of both your physical and mental health.

5. One of the biggest precipitators for addiction and relapse is not being able to deal with and manage emotions effectively. Building better self-connection and awareness, understanding your emotions and responses to situations as well as more efficient ways of working with them is essential for recovery. As Dr Gabor Mate puts it – “Sobriety is more than just abstinence”, it is about being present and aware, it is about getting closer to your authentic self, your thoughts, feelings and pains, struggles and living from this place of conscious connection. Journaling and mindfulness techniques can be helpful to make sense of emotions. Meditation, relaxation and grounding as well as other somatic/mind-body activities are also useful tools for emotional connection and regulation.

Living out your recovery plan, on a daily basis, establishes sobriety. It is useful to see recovery as a living and dynamic entity. Daily and ongoing engagement in your recovery plan allows recovery to continue thriving. If you need support or guidance in working through an addiction get in touch with us.

Cultivating Friendship for Relationship Warriors

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 09:47:12 GMT

Feeling secure in your self-identity provides a foundation from which to reach out to another. “Hi I’m Jason and I Coach couples and partnerships to be more conscious and intentional in their relationships”.

Consider your personal ‘lift-sell’ and prepare for a few different audiences. I am not less if you do not want to know me. I am not less by failing to mention the many other things I do. In this context, that’s what I want you to know about me. If this were a conversation now, how would you share something appropriate about yourself to co-create this relationship?

In the words of Faith Fuller PhD, co-founder of CRR Global, “A Relationship Warrior is someone who believes relationships matter and has the tools and skills to achieve the goal of what we call Right Relationship”. What does Right Relationship mean to you?

It has become more common to encounter the perspective of seeing conflict-as-ally, and this is a good foundation for the practice of cultivating friendship, for there are few relationships that grow and endure that do not possess some level of conflict. Even when the conflict is not externalised, it may exist in different ‘parts’ of our inner experience such as the empathic part that craves connection and wants to go and talk to the person at the event who is standing on their own being held back by the part that holds you back because they are protecting you from rejection and embarrassment just like happened that time when you … get the drift.

So cultivating friendship begins with the inner work, creating alignment between our inner team so we can have confidence in the self-identity from which we operate; with becoming aware of the stories we tell ourselves and how we live from them and reflecting on if these stories serve us or sabotage us. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves to fail at the thing we knew we would fail at, because who doesn’t like to be right?

And there are many ways to develop our friendships with our internal family system. If you are religious there are doubtless practices you can find in your preferred system. As simply a couple of examples: In Christian adoration, not only do you gaze on God, but you reflect on how God gazes on you, seeing you as a perfect and lovable creation. Buddhism directs us with the highly accessible practice of Metta, to list only one valuable approach with much scientific validation.

Through Coaching we can develop our awareness of the ‘Saboteur’ voices and choose to empower wiser ‘Sage’ perspectives. Counselling and Psychotherapy allow a deeper understanding, acceptance and healing. Combine all of the above and you are sure to be successful as you take your friendship cultivation outwards as an expression of yourself.

The next steps can then feel quite simple. How can you consciously and intentionally be ‘in-relationship’ with the different people who are already in your life? What actions can you take today to pay positivity into the shared ‘emotional bank’ as a little insurance against the cruchy conflict lurking around the corner. And when it comes, how can you be comfortable with conflict, honest with yourself and others. A simple tool to leave you with can be remembered with the acronym C.O.I.N.

When there’s something you want to discuss, first share the Context so there’s clarity on what is being discussed. Then share your observation and own it using non-blaming “I” statements, what was the Impact of this behaviour, and what’s the change you would like to see Next.

For example: “At the dinner event you made some negative comments about some of my friends and I was embarrassed and felt in an uncomfortable position. In future, kindly keep your thoughts to yourself or share with me privately.”

Be willing to resolve things without blaming and get clear on why it’s important to resolve it, such as the value of the relationship you have with the other person. Being willing to put the relationship first, share your personal perspective and listen honestly to others are some of the essential ingredients for Relationship Warriorship.

No need to wait until there’s problems to call in a professional coach or counsellor, speak to us about how to design your individual, couples and partners, or team and family relationships for greater ease and flow.

How to Deal with a flaky friend

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 09:45:25 GMT

Dealing with a flaky friend can be challenging but manageable with the right approach. A flaky friend is someone who frequently cancels or reschedules plans or shows up late without considering how it affects others. This behaviour can lead to frustration, especially when it results in wasted time or awkward situations, like waiting in a busy restaurant or traveling across town only to be stood up.

Psychotherapist Grace Loh highlights several reasons for flakiness, including anxiety, poor time management, conflict avoidance, and a lack of consideration for others. Despite these challenges, maintaining friendships is beneficial as they provide emotional support, resilience, and a sense of belonging, contributing to better mental and physical health.

To navigate a friendship with a flaky individual, Grace suggests a multifaceted approach:

1. Communication: Clearly express your expectations and how their behaviour impacts you emotionally and socially. This helps establish mutual understanding and underscores the importance of reliability in maintaining trust and closeness.

2. Set Boundaries: Limit the frequency of plans or reassess your investment in the friendship if the flaky behaviour continues. Setting boundaries ensures that your time and energy are respected.

3. Prioritise Self-Care: Engage in activities and relationships that fulfil you personally. This might involve creating some distance from the flaky friend to focus on more reliable connections.

4. Exercise Selectivity: Determine how much forgiveness and understanding you're willing to extend based on the overall health of the friendship. This balanced approach helps maintain your emotional well-being.

5. Diversify Your Social Circle: Include reliable and considerate friends in your life to provide additional support and stability. Emphasizing quality over quantity in friendships can foster healthier dynamics.

If you're reaching a breaking point with a flaky friend, start with a calm and direct conversation. Understand their potential underlying issues, such as anxiety or stress, while also advocating for your own needs. Setting realistic expectations and seeking meaningful connections can improve the friendship. Additionally, broadening your social circle to include dependable friends can offer the stability and respect you need in your relationships.

Embracing Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) Through the Healing Power of Reiki

Fri, 31 May 2024 13:29:39 GMT

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) fosters respect, belonging, and fairness in society. Reiki, with its foundational principles of love, compassion, and authenticity, enhances DEI efforts by promoting holistic well-being and personal growth. This ancient healing practice provides innovative support for achieving DEI goals.

Understanding DEI

Diversity refers to the presence of differences within a given setting, encompassing various dimensions such as race, ethnicity, gender, age, sexual orientation, disability, and more. Equity involves ensuring fair treatment, opportunities, and outcomes for all individuals, addressing systemic inequalities and barriers. Inclusion is the practice of creating environments where all individuals feel valued, respected, and integrated into the fabric of the community or organization.

The Essence of Reiki

Reiki is a Japanese healing technique that channels universal life energy through the hands of a practitioner to a recipient, aiming to balance the body’s energy and promote physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Central to Reiki are the principles of love, compassion, and authenticity, which resonate deeply with the core values of DEI.

How Reiki Supports DEI Initiatives

Reiki enhances DEI initiatives by aligning with its five core principles, significantly increasing the effectiveness of DEI efforts, creating a more inclusive and respectful environment.

1. Just for today, I will not worry

Encouraging Authenticity and Reducing Stress: Letting go of worry allows individuals to embrace authenticity, freeing them from the fear of judgment and encouraging them to bring their true selves to all aspects of life. Reducing worry directly addresses stress, promoting emotional resilience and a positive outlook.

2. Just for today, I will not be angry

Promoting Self-Awareness and Identity: By releasing anger, individuals can better connect with their true selves, fostering self-awareness and recognizing their unique value.

3. Just for today, I will do my work honestly

Encouraging Authenticity: Practicing honesty not only with others but also with oneself fosters a culture where genuine identities are celebrated.

4. Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing

Fostering Compassion and Empathy: This principle directly encourages the cultivation of compassion and empathy, which are crucial for inclusive interactions and understanding others' experiences. Kindness contributes to building a supportive atmosphere where open dialogue and innovative thinking can thrive.

5. Just for today, I will be grateful

Creating a Harmonious Environment: Gratitude fosters a positive and harmonious environment, essential for resolving conflicts and promoting collaboration in DEI initiatives.

Practical Integration of Reiki into DEI Strategies

Workshops and Training: Incorporate Reiki workshops into DEI training programs. These workshops can teach participants about the principles of Reiki, provide basic techniques for self-practice, and demonstrate how Reiki can support emotional and mental well-being.
Regular Reiki Sessions: Offer regular Reiki sessions for employees or community members as part of wellness programs. These sessions can help individuals manage stress, improve their energy levels, and maintain a positive mindset, all of which are crucial for supporting DEI efforts.
Mindfulness and Meditation Practices: Integrate Reiki-inspired mindfulness and meditation practices into daily routines. These practices can enhance self-awareness, empathy, and emotional regulation, supporting a more inclusive and compassionate culture.
Supportive Spaces: Create spaces within workplaces or communities where individuals can practice Reiki or engage in other wellness activities. These spaces can serve as sanctuaries for reflection, healing, and rejuvenation, promoting a culture of care and support.

Reiki, with its emphasis on love, compassion, and authenticity, offers a unique and powerful complement to DEI initiatives. By fostering self-awareness, empathy, and emotional well-being, Reiki can enhance the effectiveness of DEI efforts, creating environments where diversity is celebrated, equity is achieved, and inclusion is deeply felt. Embracing Reiki as part of a holistic approach to DEI not only supports individual growth but also nurtures a collective culture of respect, understanding, and genuine connection.

Breathing life into Diversity, Equality, Inclusion

Fri, 31 May 2024 13:27:06 GMT

To mark Pride month, I wanted to share some thoughts on how we can all make equality, inclusivity and compassion a cornerstone of our lives. As a British Chinese woman and an LGBTQIA+ affirming and fully culturally competent counsellor, it is my deep calling to support and provide safety for all culturally diverse clients.

I will strive to understand my clients’ cultural backgrounds, which can encompass all elements that make up our identity and the way we see the world; for example, sexuality, ethnicity, religion, gender, socioeconomics, disability, neurodiversity, age. During sessions, I will remain curious, open and sensitive to how my own personal values and biases may influence perceptions of my client’s problem, and the counselling relationship in general.

Social identity theory tells us that we tend to favour our own ingroups. They call the opposite of these tribes an outgroup, and people tend to look down on an outgroup.

At a deeper level, this human tendency for social grouping is what drives racism, homophobia, sexism, anti-Semitism and a whole host of social ills.

How can we then, as individuals, move beyond optics and breathe life into the oft-quoted initiatives of diversity, equality and inclusion?

1. Listen more, talk mindfully

Listen, listen and really listen without interrupting. Respect the person in front of you, be attentive and sensitive to them as the expert in their own experiences. Interruptions and attempting to explain things for them can be experienced as invalidating. Also be careful around appellations when addressing groups.

2. Raise awareness of your own judgements and biases

Be aware of your reactions and thoughts: on the MRT, walking down the street, in the office, at a party. What does your inner voice say? What are the insecurities, fear, irritability that occur instinctively and can be analysed? Start with these questions to practise raising awareness of your biases.

3. Be aware of your privilege

Acknowledge how the structural system of privileges works and where you position yourself within that.

Also, consider how this position may affect individuals in less privileged positions, within this same system.

4. Understand intersectionality

Intersectionality means that we all have layers to our experience. We all contain multitudes and we need to embrace that in others. A woman may be hired into an all-male team for gender equity, but she may also have other layers to her experience – sexuality, socioeconomics, neurodiversity.

5. Proactively educate yourself

Everyone has the power to change things and learn how to make the world more liveable for everyone. Doing your part continuously by educating yourself through books, online media and personal conversations is a fundamental step to becoming a supportive ally.

At Counseling Perspective, we are a culturally diverse team of counsellors and Psychologists who welcome people of all sexual orientations, cultural and gender identities. Our team is experienced in providing culturally-informed support and guidance to clients from all backgrounds.

Navigating Anxiety in Children

Thu, 02 May 2024 04:06:47 GMT

Anxiety in children can manifest in various ways, and more often than not, a child might not have the language to communicate what they are experiencing. Signs of anxiety in children can take the form of:

Physical : Complaints of headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, muscle tension, trembling, or other physical discomforts without any underlying medical cause.
Emotional : Heightened emotions such as irritability, moodiness, or frequent crying.
Behavioral: Changes in behavior such as increased or recently developed avoidance of certain situations or activities, increased clinginess to caregivers, or becoming withdrawn from social interactions. Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or experiencing nightmares.
Academic Challenges : Difficulties with staying focused which impacts their studies or a fear of going to school altogether.

Just as we coach our children to take their first step, parents and caregivers are their children's first role models in how to respond to the stressors in our lives. While everyone's situation is unique, there are some things that all of us can do to be better coaches for our children who are dealing with anxiety!

Create a Supportive Environment : Encourage your child to express their feelings and fears openly. Listen attentively and validate their emotions without judgment. Talk to them about when worry and fear, can be helpful or unhelpful. Let them know that it is okay to feel anxious and that you will support them through it.
Model Healthy Coping Strategies : Teach your child simple relaxation techniques such as 4-7-8 breathing (breathing in through the nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven counts, and breathing out for eight counts). For little ones, blowing bubbles or having them imagine that they are blowing bubbles can be a fun alternative. Another technique is to ground your senses in the present moment by acknowledging five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and, one thing you can taste. If keeping count is difficult or distracting, you can get them to name as many things as they can see/hear/smell/touch. Children often learn by example, so let your child witness you practicing these techniques to manage anxiety in your own life.
Establish Routines : Creating regular routines for meals, bedtime, and daily activities, provides a sense of stability and security.
Encourage Independence : Avoidance perpetuates the cycle of anxiety. Where possible, encourage your child to gradually face their anxieties and develop independence. Help them build resilience by praising their efforts and successes, no matter how small.

If your child's anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, or perhaps, you're struggling to cope with your own anxiety and supporting your child concurrently, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A counsellor or therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your unique needs and circumstances. Parenting is a journey, and we all experience stumbles along the way. Be patient with yourself and your child, and celebrate the progress you make together!

How to Improve Sleep Quality?

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 02:17:28 GMT

Are you frequently fatigued in the morning, even after getting ample hours of sleep at night? While it can be a frustrating situation, there may be a simple explanation: you might be having poor sleep quality.

Poor sleep quality can lead to a variety of health problems, including weight gain, depression, and heart disease. Identifying the reasons for insufficient sleep is straightforward, but determining why our sleep isn’t restful is often trickier.

Nonetheless, it is still possible to do so. This article explores the importance of sleep quality, potential causes of poor sleep, and offers strategies to enhance your sleep quality.

Why is Sleep Quality Important?

During sleep, the body undergoes important physiological processes that are necessary for various functions such as cognitive functioning, immune function, and physical health.

Here are a few reasons why sleep quality is important:

1. Allow Our Bodies to Repair and Restore

When we sleep, our bodies release hormones that promote tissue growth and repair, as well as regulate our metabolism and immune system. This means that if we don't get good quality sleep, our bodies may not be able to repair themselves properly, leaving us vulnerable to a variety of physical health issues.

2. Keep Our Mental Health in Check

Studies have shown that poor sleep quality is associated with a higher risk of depression and anxiety. Individuals with poor sleep quality were more likely to experience negative emotions and less likely to experience positive emotions the following day [1].

With poor sleep quality, we may also feel irritable, moody, and find it difficult to concentrate, which can negatively impact our overall wellbeing and productivity.

3. Maintain a Healthy Weight

When we don't get enough quality sleep, our bodies produce more of the hormone ghrelin, which stimulates hunger, and less of the hormone leptin, which tells our bodies that we are full. This can lead to overeating and weight gain.

What Could be Causing Your Poor Sleep?

Several factors may contribute to poor sleep quality, including:

Stress: High levels of stress can make it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night.
Poor Sleep Habits: Irregular sleep schedules, excessive caffeine or alcohol consumption, and using electronic devices before bedtime can all interfere with sleep.
Environmental Factors: Noise, light, and temperature can all affect sleep quality.

Not everyone has the luxury of getting a good night's sleep. Sleep disorders like insomnia, sleep apnea, and restless leg syndrome can further impair sleep quality.

If you are having trouble sleeping, speak with your healthcare provider to identify any underlying conditions and determine the best course of treatment.

How to Improve Your Sleep Quality?

The good news is that enhancing the quality of our sleep might be as simple as improving our sleep hygiene. Similar to maintaining dental hygiene by regularly brushing and flossing, we can improve our sleep hygiene by adopting these few ideas:

1. Regular Sleep Schedule

One way is to establish a regular sleep schedule, which means going to bed and waking up at the same time each day.

Individuals who maintained a consistent sleep schedule had better cognitive performance and were less likely to experience mood disturbances compared to those with an irregular sleep schedule [2].

2. Sleep-friendly Environment

Creating a sleep-friendly environment entails keeping our bedroom cool, dark, and quiet. This can help minimise distractions and make it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night.

3. Relaxing Bedtime Routine

Heard of the 3-2-1 technique for better sleep? It is an effective method that can help you to wind down and get ready for sleep. Here are the steps:

3 - Wind Down: Spend 3 minutes winding down before bedtime by engaging in a calming activity, such as reading a book, taking a warm bath, or practising relaxation techniques like deep breathing or gentle stretching.

2 - Unplug: Spend 2 minutes unplugging from electronic devices, such as phones, laptops, and tablets. The blue light emitted by these devices can interfere with the production of the sleep hormone melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep.

1 - Visualise: Spend 1 minute visualising yourself in a peaceful and comfortable sleeping environment. Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and comfortable, sinking deeper and deeper into a peaceful sleep.

Let’s not forget that when it comes to our overall health and wellbeing, good sleep quality is just as important as getting enough sleep.

By establishing healthy sleep habits, such as maintaining a regular sleep schedule, creating a relaxing bedtime routine, and a sleep-friendly environment, we can improve the quality of our sleep and reap the benefits of a good night's rest!

About the Writer

Jeannette Qhek is a dedicated Counsellor and Psychotherapist at Counselling Perspective , where she guides individuals towards mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, she serves as the Wellbeing Strategy Lead and Trainer at Actxa Wellness , curating and delivering science-backed wellness curriculum and wellbeing programs/ workshops for corporations. As the founder of Chill By Nette , a wellness space in Singapore, she offers trauma-informed counselling services and enriching wellness workshops. With more than 6 years of experience in the corporate wellness industry and a deep passion for individual well-being, she hopes to make psychological concepts and wellness research knowledge more accessible, relatable and fun to the public

Connect more with Jeannette Qhek and book a session here .

References

[1] Mauss, I. B., Troy, A. S., & LeBourgeois, M. K. (2013). Poorer sleep quality is associated with lower emotion-regulation ability in a laboratory paradigm. Cognition & emotion , 27(3), 567–576. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2012.727783

[2] Alhola, P., & Polo-Kantola, P. (2007). Sleep deprivation: Impact on cognitive performance. Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment , 3(5), 553–567.

AUTISM AND NEURODIVERSITY AFFIRMING APPROACH TO EATING

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 02:09:26 GMT

Eating habits and preferences can vary widely across individuals, and this is especially true for those on the autism spectrum. Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects communication, social interaction, and behaviour. It is characterized by a wide range of symptoms and behaviours, which can include difficulties with sensory processing, repetitive behaviours, and challenges with communication and social interaction.

In recent years, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of adopting an affirming approach to eating for individuals with autism. This approach recognizes that people on the autism spectrum may have unique needs and preferences when it comes to food and eating, and that these needs should be respected and accommodated.

About 90% of parents report to have feeding difficulties and 70% of Autistic children have atypical eating behaviours such as:

· Selective eating

· Strong food preferences

· Rapid or slow eating

· Lack of interested in eating

· Loss of control while eating

· Pocketing food in month

This happens due to sensory processing difficulties; cognitive rigidity; social communication differences and/or poor executive function. Medications may also affect appetite and food intake.

Also, some autistic individuals might experience interoceptive confusion, which means that they have difficulty to connect sense of hunger and/or satiety and fullness feeling and meal times.

SO WHAT TO DO?

Lower your expectations. Understand the challenges that your child goes through because of autism. Any force-feeding might lead to food trauma, sensory trauma (when forced to be in overwhelming environments) or traumatic childhood experiences.

Accept that your neurodivergent child refusal to eat in a way that is accepted by society (neuronormative) is not because he/she is manipulative, maladapted.

WHAT NOT TO DO?

Don’t expect neuronormative family feeding practices to work on your child. It will only increase frustration and stress in your family.

Don’t force feed your child – whether neurotypical or not.

Don’t routinely reprimanded your child for authentic neurodivergent behaviours at table (rocking, fidgeting, not being able to sit still, clumsiness when using cutlery, problems swallowing food).

Understand what are the coping mechanisms that your child uses to overcome the sensory overload that he/she is constantly facing. Look for strategies that will support this rather than persuading masking.

NEUROAFFIRMING STRATEGIES

Here are some tips – remember to use them if makes sense for your child. Discuss these with your healthcare professional and dietitian.

· Set alarms to eat;

· Use body doubling – eat with a friend, family member to support intake;

· Change the size and timing of meals if needed to help with satiation experience;

· While preference to eat might change, consider some of these (alert – can be very different from neuronormative “normal” feeding goals):

o Quieter eating environment

o Dimmable light

o Avoid music or use a preferable music

o Eat alone or use headphones when not possible

o Eat in venues at times of the day that are less busy

o Eat standing, walking, while laying down. Allow them to choose what works best to facilitate a pleasant eating experience

o Eat which a distraction – sensory toys, iPad

o Change textures of foods to match their preferences/unique sensory profile.

If you are concerned about the variety of foods consumed, check with a dietitian that can support you.

BE AWARE THAT EATING DISORDERS ARE MORE PRESENT IN DIVERDIVERGENT INDIVIDUALS

Eating disorders affect more neurodivergent individuals than neurotypicals. Here is some data:

· In a study find our that 30% women seeking weight loss treatment were ADHD. Also, de dopamine de-regulation might lead to impulsivity and emotional distress that can increase the odds of loss of control while eating and binge eating.

· 20-37% of individuals with anorexia nervosa are also autistic.

· ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) accounts for 22.5% childhood eating disorders. 21% of ARFID patients are autistic. It affects only 0.3% of general population.

If at any point you find that your child is developing an eating disorder or at risk, talk with your healthcare team.

References:

Cobbaert, L. & Rose, A. (2023). Eating Disorders and Neurodivergence: A Stepped Care Approach.

Women and Stress

Mon, 11 Mar 2024 02:20:52 GMT

Stress is our body’s adaptive response to the regular occurrences that happen in our daily lives. Stress can have a positive influence when it helps to motivate us. However chronic stress can be destructive and negatively impacts all aspects of our well-being.

We are living in a culture that makes us believe that stress is inevitable for a woman, that it is a normal way of life, but that is terribly dangerous. Women today are plagued by the pressure to be the best at everything – career woman, wife, mother, to have the best body, and and and….

Although psychological and cultural factors often also dictate expectations that lead to women wearing many different hats and fulfilling many different roles at once, neuroanatomy may play a role as well - if we look at the way our brain is wired.

Male and female brains are generally very different in how they work. Typically, a woman’s brain differs to a man’s in structure, thinking, processing of emotions and chemical make-up. Men tend to think with their grey matter – the information processing centres of the brain, whereas women tend to think with the white matter, which is more the “wiring” between the centres (connections between the neurons).

This may also explain why men tend to operate in more unidimensional, focused ways, whilst women are multidimensional and concerned about many different elements and how all those elements impact each other at once.

Women also tend to have a reputation for being “worriers” and are prone to experiencing more stress. This may be influenced by a few different factors. Firstly, oxytocin levels being higher in a female's brain, allowing her to be more aware of and concerned about others’ pain, think more quickly and exhibit more immediate, empathic responses to others.

Secondly, in women, the hippocampus, which is the brain’s memory centre that turns short-term memories into long-term ones, tends to be larger than in men. This accounts for why women often have a better memory for details, both pleasant and unpleasant, and it makes it hard for them to forget.

Thirdly, not only does a woman's body produce more stress hormones than a man’s, but once a stressful event is over, women's bodies also take longer to stop producing the hormones. This may be a cause or an effect of women's tendency to replay stressful events in their minds and to dwell on upsetting situations – hence the impact of stress on women may be protracted and more intense.

Other differences in the chemical composition of the brain, are demonstrated in that women may produce less serotonin and have fewer transporters to recycle it. As such when faced with ongoing psychosocial stressors, women can be more susceptible to emotional challenges such as depression and anxiety.

In addition, the fluctuating hormones during a women’s monthly cycle also impact brain chemicals. Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone have a significant impact on neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine and GABA. Hence when there is a fluctuation in these hormones during the month, neurotransmitter levels in the brain fluctuate accordingly and mood, energy, optimal cognitive thinking, maintaining calm, good sleep etc. which are important for dealing with stress and challenges, are compromised.

Stress responses are also more likely to cause physical symptoms (imbalances in hormonal and digestive systems for instance) in women than in men. The amygdala which processes emotions like fear and pain communicates with organs that take in and process visual information in men.

Whereas in women the amygdala communicates with parts of the brain that regulate hormones and digestion. Stress symptoms in women can range from headaches, IBS, joint pain, foggy brain, mood swings, difficulty sleeping to apathy and withdrawal – the list is long and varies for each woman.

However often we are so busy juggling all the various expectation that we do not pause enough to consider how stress might be impacting us. The scary reality is that women’s health is on the decline, and we are now more prone to previously more typically “male” diseases such as heart attack, high cholesterol etc. than breast cancer for example.

Women can manage stress more effectively by pausing to examine how stress might be manifesting itself in their lives physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually and at work. Once you take notice of the impact, making an individual wellness plan that can help you to create effective, supportive strategies appropriate to your lifestyle is an important next step.

To find out more about personalised functional medicine health coaching, you can get in touch with Claudette .

Shattering Expectations & Confronting Imposter Syndrome in Professional Women

Sun, 03 Mar 2024 10:36:22 GMT

In the realm of professional achievement, women have made significant strides in breaking through the glass ceiling and ascending to leadership roles. Women already face significant challenges in rising to leadership roles, compounded by systemic factors such as gender bias, lack of representation, and stereotypes. These barriers are exacerbated by the prevalence of imposter syndrome, which becomes a damaging self-sabotaging barrier. This pervasive and insidious psychological phenomenon, characterised by feelings of self-doubt and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud, can hinder women's confidence, and impede their career advancement. In this article, we delve into the complexities of imposter syndrome, its impact on professional women, and strategies to overcome it.

Imposter syndrome, first identified by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978, is a psychological pattern whereby individuals doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud despite external evidence of competence. Research suggests that imposter syndrome disproportionately affects women, particularly in male-dominated industries and leadership positions. Imposter syndrome displays as a chronic sense of inadequacy despite evidence of competence and success. This phenomenon can manifest in various ways, including feelings of fraudulence, downplaying capabilities and attributing success to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities, and avoiding opportunities for fear of failure or being discovered as an imposter.

Imposter syndrome can have profound implications for professional women, hindering their career progression and overall well-being. Women experiencing imposter syndrome may exhibit diminished confidence, experience a perpetuating cycle of self-doubt, refrain from asserting themselves, and develop heightened stress and anxiety in the workplace. Furthermore, imposter syndrome contributes to the perpetuation of gender disparities in leadership and organisational representation, as women may self-select out of opportunities for advancement and leadership roles due to feelings of inadequacy.

Strategies for Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Women must identify and challenge the inner critic that fuels imposter syndrome. Developing self-awareness and reframing negative thoughts can help counteract feelings of inadequacy.

· Identifying Negative Thought Patterns:

The first step in cognitive restructuring is to develop self-awareness by identifying the specific negative thoughts and beliefs associated with imposter syndrome. This may involve paying attention to recurring self-critical thoughts such as "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve this success," or "I'm a fraud."

· Examining Evidence:

Once negative thought patterns are identified, the next step is to critically examine the evidence supporting these beliefs. Women experiencing imposter syndrome are encouraged to challenge the accuracy and validity of their negative self-assessments. They may ask themselves questions such as, "What evidence supports this belief?" or "Is there evidence that contradicts this belief?"

· Generating Alternative Perspectives:

Cognitive restructuring involves generating alternative, more balanced perspectives, or interpretations of situations. Women are encouraged to consider alternative explanations for their achievements and successes, recognizing their skills, efforts, and contributions. This process helps to counteract the tendency to attribute success to luck or external factors rather than personal competence.

· Replacing Irrational Thoughts:

After challenging negative beliefs and generating alternative perspectives, women can actively replace irrational thoughts with more realistic and positive ones. This may involve developing affirmations or positive self-statements that affirm their abilities and accomplishments. For example, replacing "I'm a fraud" with "I have worked hard to achieve my success and deserve recognition for my accomplishments" can help shift the focus from self-doubt to self-affirmation.

· Practice and Repetition:

Cognitive restructuring is a skill that requires practice and repetition. Women experiencing imposter syndrome may benefit from regularly practicing cognitive restructuring techniques, particularly in situations that trigger feelings of self-doubt or inadequacy. Over time, challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with more adaptive beliefs can lead to lasting changes in self-perception and confidence.

Celebrate Achievements

To counter imposter syndrome, it is crucial for women to actively celebrate their achievements and recognise their contributions. Rather than attributing success solely to luck or external factors, women should acknowledge their role in their accomplishments and take pride in their abilities. One effective strategy is to keep a journal of achievements, where women can document their successes, big or small, along with the efforts and skills that contributed to them. This journal serves as a tangible reminder of competence, allowing women to reflect on their capabilities during moments of self-doubt. Moreover, celebrating achievements fosters a sense of accomplishment and reinforces positive self-perception, helping to counteract the negative beliefs perpetuated by imposter syndrome. By consciously acknowledging and celebrating their successes, women can cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence, ultimately empowering them to overcome imposter syndrome and thrive in their professional endeavours.

Cultivate a Supportive Network

Building a supportive network of mentors, peers, and allies is an invaluable strategy for countering imposter syndrome among professional women. By surrounding themselves with individuals who provide validation and perspective, women can combat the feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy that often accompany imposter syndrome. Mentors, in particular, offer guidance, wisdom, and encouragement based on their own experiences navigating similar challenges in their careers. They can provide valuable insights and advice, helping women to gain clarity and confidence in their abilities. Peers who understand and empathise with imposter syndrome can offer reassurance and solidarity, creating a sense of belonging and normalising the experiences of self-doubt. Allies within the workplace can advocate for women's achievements and contributions, affirming their value and potential. By connecting with supportive individuals who understand the nuances of imposter syndrome, women can receive the encouragement and validation they need to overcome self-limiting beliefs and realise their full potential. This network not only provides emotional support but also offers practical guidance and perspective, empowering women to navigate challenges with resilience and confidence.

Embrace a Growth Mindset

Adopting a growth mindset is a powerful approach for countering imposter syndrome among professional women. At its core, a growth mindset entails believing that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work, rather than being fixed traits. By embracing this perspective, women can reframe challenges as opportunities for learning and personal growth, rather than insurmountable obstacles. Instead of interpreting setbacks as evidence of incompetence or failure, women with a growth mindset view them as natural parts of the learning process and opportunities to refine their skills and strategies.

Central to adopting a growth mindset is the recognition that mastery and resilience are cultivated through perseverance and resilience in the face of adversity. Women are encouraged to embrace setbacks as valuable learning experiences that contribute to their overall development and success. Each challenge becomes an opportunity to stretch beyond one's comfort zone, acquire new knowledge, and build resilience in the face of obstacles.

Furthermore, women can cultivate a growth mindset by reframing their interpretation of feedback and criticism. Rather than viewing feedback as a reflection of personal inadequacy, they can see it as constructive input for improvement and development. This mindset shift enables women to approach feedback with openness and curiosity, leveraging it as a tool for growth rather than a source of validation or judgment.

Skill Development and Mastery

Skill development and mastery play a crucial role in bolstering the confidence and competence of professional women, thereby mitigating feelings of imposter syndrome. Actively seeking opportunities for skill enhancement and mastery allows women to not only broaden their knowledge base but also refine their existing skill set, ultimately leading to improved performance and validation of their capabilities. Engaging in skill development initiatives empowers women to validate their competence through tangible achievements and accomplishments.

By actively pursuing opportunities for learning and growth, women can expand their repertoire of skills and knowledge, equipping themselves with the tools necessary to excel in their respective fields. This proactive approach not only enhances their professional competence but also instils a sense of empowerment and self-assurance. As women acquire new skills and deepen their expertise, they gain a greater sense of mastery over their roles and responsibilities, thereby reducing feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt associated with imposter syndrome.

Furthermore, skill development serves as a tangible form of validation, providing concrete evidence of women's abilities and contributions in the workplace. As women achieve proficiency in new areas or master challenging tasks, they receive external recognition and feedback that reinforces their sense of competence and diminishes imposter feelings. Moreover, honing existing skills allows women to showcase their expertise and make meaningful contributions to their organisations, further solidifying their confidence and sense of belonging.

Seek Professional Help

Psychotherapy and counselling offer tailored interventions to counter imposter syndrome, providing a structured framework for addressing underlying beliefs and behaviours contributing to feelings of inadequacy. Unlike self-help strategies, psychotherapy involves working with a trained therapist who can offer personalised guidance and support based on the individual's unique experiences and needs. Through psychotherapy, individuals can explore the root causes of their imposter syndrome, such as childhood experiences, societal pressures, or internalized beliefs, and develop coping strategies to challenge negative thought patterns and build self-confidence. Counselling, on the other hand, typically focuses on providing support and guidance through talk therapy sessions, offering a safe space for individuals to express their thoughts and emotions surrounding imposter syndrome and receive validation and encouragement. By addressing imposter syndrome in a therapeutic setting, individuals can gain insight into their self-perceptions and learn effective strategies for managing and overcoming feelings of inadequacy, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness, resilience, and personal growth.

In addition to psychotherapy and counselling, coaching is another valuable approach for addressing imposter syndrome and fostering personal growth. Coaching differs from therapy in that it typically focuses on goal-setting, skill development, and performance enhancement rather than delving into deep-rooted psychological issues. A coach works collaboratively with the individual to identify specific goals related to overcoming imposter syndrome and develops actionable strategies to achieve them.

Through coaching, individuals with imposter syndrome can receive targeted support and guidance to build confidence, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and develop effective coping mechanisms. Coaches provide accountability, encouragement, and feedback, empowering individuals to take proactive steps towards overcoming imposter syndrome and achieving their professional goals. Coaching sessions often involve techniques such as visualization, goal-setting, and cognitive-behavioural strategies tailored to the individual's unique needs and challenges. Coaches help individuals identify their strengths, recognise their achievements, and reframe negative thinking patterns that contribute to imposter syndrome. By providing a supportive and non-judgmental environment, coaches help individuals navigate through self-doubt and build resilience, ultimately empowering them to thrive in their careers and personal lives.

Imposter syndrome poses a significant barrier to the advancement and fulfillment of professional women. By understanding its manifestations and implementing strategies to overcome it, women can shatter the glass ceiling and thrive in their careers. Through self-awareness, support networks, and a commitment to personal growth, women can confront imposter syndrome head-on and realise their full potential. It's time to break free from the shackles of self-doubt and embrace the limitless possibilities that await beyond the glass ceiling.

Top Tips for Mental Health and Wellbeing

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 04:57:43 GMT

Mental wellbeing includes our outlook, the quality of our relationships, how we feel and our ability to manage our feelings as well as how well we are coping with the challenges of our life. Being mentally healthy does not mean that you’re always happy or that challenges don’t affect you. However sound mental health does increase one’s capacity to deal with challenges and bounce back from them. Your mental health is not something to only pay attention to when you are struggling but in fact should be a regular investment.

Here are some simple yet effective everyday activities that contribute to improved mental wellbeing, and if you’re having a particularly challenging day why not try one that you have not done before.

1 . Establish a morning routine - This does not have to be elaborate. Just start with a few simple habits that you find enjoyable and useful to you. It could be 5 minutes of silent reflection or deep breathing, considering what in your day makes you feel meaningful and purposeful or planning some goals for that day.

2 . Incorporate regular strategies that help you to relax and reduce stress. This does not have to be a whole day at the spa but quick activities that help you to reset can be very effective. Find what is restorative to you - listening to music, relaxing in a warm bath, mindful colouring in, engaging in a craft, a short walk around your neighbourhood can soothe and bring calm. Laughing is also a great stress relief and reduces anxiety so having fun with your friends or watching a funny movie can be a great endorphin boost.

3. Make connecting with others, especially face to face, a priority. Quality time in person can help you energise, improve your mood and beat stress. If you have a limited network of social relationships, investigate activities where you can meet new people such as a club or a class. Communication is also like exercise for your brain helping it to think and process better and faster – so disconnect from your devices and include as many conversations in your day as possible.

4. Take a step of vulnerability to share your thoughts, feelings, challenges with someone trustworthy. When you are going through a difficult time, sharing your worries can be helpful to calm your nervous system, reducing stress.

5. Lend a helping hand – research shows that helping others also improves your own happiness. Those who regularly extend kindness and compassion towards others experience lower levels of depression, more calm and better physical health. Besides taking your mind of your own struggles, volunteering your time to help someone else makes you feel good that you are contributing something meaningful and tangible and provides opportunity to make new connections.

6. Challenge yourself with something new or different. Trying a new recipe, learning a new skill or activity stimulates your mind and intellect and keeps your brain refreshed. Creativity has also been shown to have a strong correlation with overall wellbeing. Playing games that involve memory, problem solving or strategising keeps the brain sharp and the effects for wellbeing are even better if it’s done in a social setting where you are connecting with others.

7. Find a regular movement practice that you enjoy and can be consistent with. Movement increases brain derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) which helps regulate mood and aids in learning and memory. Regular exercise helps reduce stress hormones and improve sleep. Even something simple as dancing at home can be helpful.

8. You are what you eat – a healthy gut has strong associations with a healthy brain, i.e. good neurotransmitter levels and lower brain inflammation. Include mood boosting foods in your diet like fatty fish, nuts and avocados. Stay away from processed and inflammatory food. Balanced meals that include good quality protein, low GI carbohydrates, good fats and enough nutrients and vitamins from a variety of fruit and veggies are the best fuel for the brain.

9. Sleep matters a whole lot more than you think. Poor sleep is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, blood sugar dysregulation and lowered immunity. Beyond the recommended 7-9 hours for adults, pay attention to the quality of your sleep as well. So how much sleep do you really need? – As much as it takes to wake feeling rested, refreshed and alert.

10. Get outdoors – getting natural light for at least 10 -20 mins in the morning helps to reset your brain-body stress response. Sunshine boosts Vitamin D which has been correlated with lower rates of depression and anxiety and better sleep. Give the Japanese practice of shinrin-yoku or “forest bathing” a try. Time in nature exposes you to the good phytochemicals proven to have a wide variety of positive effects for emotional and physical wellbeing. Even better if you can get those footsies barefoot on the grass – grounding boosts endorphins, increases brain activity and helps the body repair itself.

Whilst all of these suggestions can help to build your mental resilience, sometimes life challenges can be overwhelming and we may need professional guidance and support. Seeking psychological assistance does not mean that you are weak and incapable. In fact, investing time and money to grow your understanding of yourself and your coping resources is a strength and demonstrates courage in making oneself vulnerable.

Why ending a toxic relationship is easier said than done

Wed, 22 Mar 2023 03:22:22 GMT

It’s a universally known adage that relationships are hard work, conflicts are normal and rough patches are par for the course. While it is true every relationship goes through highs and lows, these platitudes can cause one to turn a blind eye to red flags in their love life, particularly those indicative of a toxic relationship.

In recent years, I often encounter clients who, despite feeling anguished, lonely, undervalued in their relationships, choose to stay with their abusive or neglectful partner. Many have also turned away from unwavering support and well-intended advice from caring friends and family who tell them that they deserve better and that they should just get out of the relationship. It is however easier said than done for those who find themselves caught in such a dilemma.

What does a toxic relationship look like?

Being in a toxic relationship is sometimes hard to recognise since the abuse can be slow and subtle in nature (King, 2018). It is never about an isolated episode, but the cumulative effect of persistent criticism, contempt, intimidation, manipulation and other forms of abuse. Such relationships are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically damaging and draining. Those in a toxic relationship tend to find themselves constantly walking on eggshells for fear of triggering their partner, making excuses to justify the abusive partner’s behaviours, frequently taking the fall or apologising for things that are not their fault, withdrawing socially and so on. Such relationship stress often gives rise to chronic feelings such as a sense of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, helplessness.

So why is it that such pain, exhaustion, frustration and anguish are not enough to make one decide to cut the cord and move on? What is it about toxic relationships that makes them difficult, or even seemingly impossible to end?

Apart from the obvious practical reasons such as financial and/or parenting considerations, there are also some deeper psychological factors that explain why leaving is easier said than done.

1. Low self esteem

Research has shown that people with low self-esteem are more susceptible to toxic relationships because of their core beliefs and perception about themselves. If one believes that they are not good or worthy enough, they are more likely to have lower expectations and tend to get involved with a partner who perpetuates their beliefs. In fact, those who have low self-worth are more likely to stay in a toxic relationship because they believe that they cannot do any better (Luciano & Orth, 2017). They also tend to display more people-pleasing tendencies and are more hesitant to stand up for themselves or set boundaries when they are treated badly. It is also important to note that the more they stay in a toxic relationship, the further their self-esteem erodes, creating a vicious cycle, making it increasingly difficult to leave.

2. Addicted to the lure of intermittent reinforcement

In a toxic relationship, the abused is regularly subjected to consistent bouts of cruel, callous, and abusive treatment with a few occasional and unpredictable displays of extreme affection and rewards. These are known as intermittent reinforcement tactics that the abusive partner uses to manipulate or control, and can include sending apology notes and flowers after a silent treatment or giving extravagant gifts with promises to change after a series of brutal verbal attacks.

Intermittent reinforcement tactics keep people stuck and unable to break free because they are linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with compulsions (Carnes & Phillips, 2019). Research has shown that unpredictable relationships are particularly dopamine-inducing. Intermittent reinforcement used the abusive partner feeds into our dopamine system because dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule, rather than predictably. Their abusive partner’s unreliability and inconsistency make them crave for the rewards, often doing everything they can to get it in order to get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle.

When one is living the abuse cycle, it is exceptionally hard to break out of it. People often fall into the trap of seeing the abuser’s sporadic acts of empathy and affection as positive traits, causing them to find excuses to justify the partner’s abuse or neglect. They also derive hope from these random “positive” acts, believing that their relationships will get better, and they get sucked back in until another cycle of abuse hits again.

3. Fear of being single

The fear of being single is another factor that makes one rather tolerate or stay in a toxic relationship than to be single. Researchers (Spielmann et al., 2013) discovered that during relationship initiation and maintenance, those who have anxieties about being single may prioritize relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying. In fact, the fear of being single can be so overwhelming that one would rather be with a “wrong somebody” than be with nobody.

4.Sunk Cost effect

Another reason that makes it compelling for people to stay in unhappy relationships is the sunk cost fallacy. Studies have shown that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have invested time, money and effort. This underlines the sunk cost effect which “occurs when a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite it not being the best decision." (Rego et al., 2018). This suggests that people stay in unsatisfying relationships despite all their pain and suffering because they don’t want to feel their effort, time or money go to waste.

5. Pro-sociality inclination

The decision to end a romantic relationship, even an unhealthy one, can have a life-changing impact on the partner as well as the self. Recent research has shed light on how altruism is one of the considerations that can hamper one’s decision to leave their abusive partner. In other words, when people make decisions that impact others, they take those others’ feelings and perspectives into consideration.

The research by Impett & Spielmann (2018) which studied 1,800 people showed that when one is deciding whether to end a relationship or not, they consider not only their own desires, but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue. In fact, the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate their breakup. This offers an explanation as to why it is not as straightforward to end the toxic relationship as much as they know it is the right thing to do.

What can be done?

The recognition and acknowledgement of a toxic relationship and the reasons that keep one stuck in it is just the first step to finding a resolution to the predicament. Aptly put by Carolyn Gamble, motivational speaker and expert on toxic relationships, “Love should never cost you your peace, It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. If there’s more negative in your situation than positive, something has to change.”

Thankfully, taking action does not have to be a solo task. The next step could involve seeking help from relationship-trained therapists to help one explore their innermost fears and ambivalence; open their mind to new perspectives, enable them to regain self esteem and empower them to access choices as well as to make decisions that are aligned with their life values.

References

Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824.

King, J. (2018). Too Good to go, Too Bad to Stay: Five Steps to Finding Freedom From a Toxic Relationship. Morgan James Publishing.

Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112,307-328

Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. (2018) Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073.

Tips on How to Ride Valentine's Day Solo

Tue, 14 Feb 2023 06:53:31 GMT

Valentine’s Day can be a great moment to celebrate romantic love, but it can also bring up feelings of loneliness for those of us who do not have a partner to spend this holiday with. It is completely understandable that we might feel this way, but it does not mean that there is nothing we can do to feel better. Here are some tips on how to cope with these feelings of loneliness:

1. Shift your focus

Yes Valentine’s Day is centered around romantic partners, but this does not dictate who we focus our attention on. Allowing ourselves to remember that we have people in our lives who love us and whom we love (such as family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.), is a simple way to recognize that there is more love in our lives than we realize. If you think about it, these people are equally as significant in our lives as any romantic partner, and Valentine's Day can be the occasion to let them know. Perhaps, we could reach out to them and organize a get together to show each other the love and appreciation we might not get to express all of the time.

2. Don’t forget you can love yourself too!

While it is nice to spend Valentine’s Day with a significant other and feel their love, let’s not forget that we can be our own primary source of love. There is a quote by Samantha Jones in Sex and the City which summarizes this accurately: “I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on”. What Samantha’s character is telling us is that romantic partners are important, but the love and appreciation we can show ourselves are the core of our wellbeing. At the end of the day, we are the only ones who know exactly what we need and we want to be loved!

3. Take social media with a pinch of salt

In the social media era, it might seem like everyone around us is in a happy relationship and is having a fantastic Valentine’s Day, but that is simply not the case. Remember that people only tend to share their happy moments on social media, no one wants to publicize feeling lonely and sad. Therefore we might be seeing a lot of posts of people enjoying their Valentine’s Day, but what we are not seeing are all the people who are not having a great day. This influx of flawed data fuels our feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. But, luckily, we can choose not to establish our personal narrative on biased information: if you notice that engaging on social media is causing you distress on this specific day, take a break from social media and be present in your three-dimensional life.

4. Spread your love

Once we have established that we are loved and that there might be other people out there who are feeling as lonely as us today, why not go out of our way to make someone else feel loved? It can be someone in our lives or even a stranger: doing something thoughtful for another individual will surely brighten their day and will likely leave us feeling much better as a result. Any act of kindness will do: from holding the elevator door for someone, to giving a support call to someone who is struggling, to spending our evening volunteering for someone in need. What will make a difference will be the sense of belonging and community we’ll receive from the act itself.

5. Remember, Valentine’s Day is just another day

Lastly, while there is so much fuzz around Valentine’s Day, let’s remember that this day is really just a day like any other, it is a social construct. As such, it only holds as much value as we assign to it, therefore it cannot have power over us if we do not allow it to.

Getting help

If you're struggling with severe feelings of loneliness during this time, please reach out to our team of therapists , we are ready to support you.

10 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family Relationships During the Holidays

Sat, 24 Dec 2022 06:22:06 GMT

While Christmas is often termed “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, it can be a season of distress for many. Navigating less than ideal relationships with immediate, extended or in-law family often comes up in therapy sessions around this time of the year as the prospect of having to spend protracted periods of time with challenging people in your world can bring up old wounds. Most of my clients find themselves in a tension between feeling a desire to have family time together on the one hand, and a sense of heightened anxiety at the thought of the potential negative outcomes on the other.

If you opt for sharing the holidays together, then taking some time out before you meet to reflect on your emotions, the typical nature of your interactions, the situations that may be potentially difficult are all helpful towards your equipping. Here are some suggestions of steps that you can take towards your mental preparation:

1. Know what you're getting into - Making sense of the typical patterns of relating, the roles that we habitually fall into, what/who triggers you and the circumstances around that can improve your self and relational knowledge and understanding and help you to be less reactive in the moment. It also initiates the process of thinking about how to shift the usual dynamics and opens you up to the possibilities of new ways of relating. Think about your interactions with others like dancing together – if you want to change the dance you have to do some different steps.

2. Work towards acceptance - This is the first step for change. Your family is who they are. If they have disappointed you in the past, are not able to meet your needs or do not share the same ideas as you, trying to change them will leave you frustrated, resentful and disappointed. Their responses, or lack thereof, is not a reflection you and your worth but is an expression of their humanity and limitations. Sometimes our painful relational experiences keep us stuck in perceptions and a story that repeats itself and prevents us from seeing that there is also good in our family members. Acceptance means not only coming to terms with the negatives in these relationships but also seeing the positive attributes that can be enjoyed as well, creating a broader and different story.

3. Shift your expectations – Unmet expectations can trigger past hurt and pain and potentially create further conflict. Acceptance allows you to alter your expectations of your family to a more realistic outlook of how they will respond, what they can and cannot be or do for you and what the nature of your time together will be potentially be like.

4. Have a plan – Reflecting on past patterns of interactions and how you predict potentially challenging certain situations might go can lead to worry and a sense of helplessness. When worrying thoughts surface, use your energy to devise a plan of how you will handle these situations instead. Focus on what you can control rather than what you can’t – Will you choose to communicate differently? Can you steer the situation to a different outcome? Will you let things go rather than engaging? Is it better for you remove yourself from the situation? Asking these kinds of questions before hand and planning how you will respond helps you to feel some sense of control, decreases your level of anxiety and builds confidence.

5. Set clear boundaries for your time together - Being with your family does not imply that you are obligated to spend all of your time together or that you have to share the same living space with them. Think about whether it will serve you better to have separate accommodation. Choose what activities you want to share with everyone and do not be afraid to say no plans that you are not keen on. Make time to also include the traditions and experiences of personal importance to you that you might want to enjoy on your own or with selected people.

6. Establish communication limits - Have clear sense in advance of what are acceptable topics for you to engage in and what is off limits. This will help you to keep conversations from escalating. Remember that if potentially conflictual topics do arise, you can protect your truth without having to defend it, prove it, or convince anyone else of your reality. If you do decide to engage, try to stick to factual contributions of your experience, steer the conversation in an alternative direction, or try redirecting to a positive aspect of the time together and the original purpose of gathering as a family.

7. Gather support - If you have a partner , communicate some of your emotional insights, plan of action and boundaries so that you are on the same page and feel supported. Consider who are the other family members that you have more positive interactions with that could be a safe and trusting space for you to move towards.

8. Make time for self care - Before and during the time with your family. This will help to ground you and keep you relaxed. Besides a boundary on your time, think of how you might also need to protect other aspects of your wellbeing - intellectual, emotional and physical, what limits you would need to set in order to preserve your mental health and peace of mind?

9. Keep a check on your emotions - If you sense emotions building take a pause and get some alone time. What are the strategies that help you to pay attention to your emotions and soothe your body? Having a prior sense of what coping strategies you could employ helps you to deal more effectively with emotionally charged situations. Practicing self compassion allows you to validate your emotions and think about what you can do to meet your current needs. Other strategies such as journalling, sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted someone, mind body techniques such as breathing and relaxation exercises, time in nature and physical exercise can all be useful to alleviate your stress and help you to reset.

10. Keep a clear head - Be mindful of your alcohol intake. Whilst alcohol can be an enticing coping mechanism it can be counter productive. Managing your stress levels, regulating emotions, effective communication and decision making are actually all compromised when one is intoxicated. Instead keep in mind your other self care tools discussed above and use these when you feel stress levels rising and you need to self soothe.

If you find some of the above steps challenging to work though on your own, enlisting the help of a therapist who has expertise in family dynamics can be useful to understand relational patterns, your emotions as well as facilitating effective coping plans.

If you are interested in family counselling , please contact us via email, phone or WhatsApp to arrange a consultation with one of our supportive professional therapists.

About the Author : Claudette is a psychologist and an individual, relationship and family therapist. A firm believer in the transformative power of psychotherapy and coaching, Claudette is passionate about facilitating a safe and empowering process whereby individuals can face their challenges and find strategies that lead to a greater sense of wholeness. Read Full Bio >

Expat Mental Health in Singapore

Fri, 02 Sep 2022 17:56:37 GMT

Life as an expat in Singapore comes with privilege and pressure. If mental health depends on the balance between our challenges and resources, then making a life away from home can upset this balance. Research suggests that, on average, expats struggle more with mental health than their domestic peers.

Practically, arrivals must navigate new jobs, homes, schools and spousal employment. Beyond the basics, it takes time to build friendships and support networks, and these need continual refreshing as peers return home. Foreigners must adapt to cultural differences, such as language, local customs and even sense of humour. Expats, new and old, can experience homesickness and a sense of isolation, which can contribute to anxiety and depression . Interestingly, even positive change can generate stress. Follow-ups on lottery winners in the UK, a year after their life-changing wins, showed that over half had developed a stress-induced illness. Our bodies and nervous systems can take time to accommodate the change we have sought.

Expats must tackle new pressures without their usual resources. Friends and family are far away and recreational activities at home may no longer be possible. Inevitably, Covid restrictions on travel and socialising have exacerbated constraints. The emphasis on employment in Singapore’s ‘core’ population has also created visa complications for expat job-seekers, especially for spouses on lower salaries. The inability of a spouse to find work locally can be a key concern for international assignees.

Research from the International Journal of Health & Productivity suggests that US expats are three times more likely to express feelings of being trapped or depressed as their domestic counterparts. Twice as many US expats express feelings of anxiety or nervousness. In the workplace, research from Right Management suggests that companies will judge 40% of international assignments as failures. The ratio is consistent for moves from west-to-east and vice-versa. This may be unsurprising given only one-in- nine movers benefit from ongoing mentorship. Pressures can creep into the family unit too. A survey by Sofres suggests that divorce rates are nearly 50% higher for expat couples. Since the pandemic, a third of expats consider their mental health to have declined, according to William Russell.

Expats in Singapore can find it difficult to raise mental health issues. Research by Aetna International suggests that more than half of respondents in Singapore find it hard to discuss mental health at work, versus around 40% in the UK and US. The good news is that help is available and increasingly encouraged. People are progressively willing to talk about psychological well-being and Covid is forcing this issue. Companies have woken up to the importance of mental health to staff turnover, productivity and the bottom line. Starbucks spends more on employee healthcare than coffee beans! In Singapore, the government has launched a national well-being campaign: “It’s ok to reach out for help”. The NUS is also running series of “k(no)w stigma” events to demystify the topic of mental wellness. In short, key stakeholders for expats in Singapore are aligned on the need to move from a culture of “don’t ask, don’t tell” to “do ask, do tell, let’s talk”.

How can expats reset the balance between their challenges and resources? For many, counselling is a powerful resource. It may be a resource they never considered back at home. It could also be the discovery that helps navigate the challenges of a new life in the Lion City.

If you are an expat interested in counselling in Singapore , please contact us via email, phone or WhatsApp to arrange a consultation with one of our supportive professional therapists.

About the Author : Dan's counselling experience builds on 20 years of international finance experience. He is a coach and mentor to professionals across Asia and has served on various forums to support employee wellness. Dan is a yoga and mindfulness practitioner, mental health advocate and student. He is currently studying for a Master's Degree in Counselling. Read Full Bio >

How to Stop Using Alcohol to Cope with Anxiety

Tue, 17 May 2022 03:41:34 GMT

With a good chunk of last year on circuit breaker and with the sense of possible lockdown on the horizon, we wanted to offer some glimmer of hope for those who are traditionally dealing with the anxiety provoking times like now by turning to alcohol as a form of escape.

Covid and the new norm of working from home, without travel, has brought more tension and uncertainty for many households. Alcohol consumption significantly increased and existing domestic issues were compounded. Of course alcohol abuse takes a toll on the entire family, not to mention serves the role of demonstrating an unhealthy approach to dealing with stress.

We are seeing a much greater impact on teens use of alcohol and this brings with it the obvious side effects: alcohol poisoning, vulnerability to harm of aggression. Some teens are unaware of the progressive nature of alcohol consumption and its potential to lead towards alcoholism.

At Counseling Perspective, each of the team have been trained in Cognitive Behavior Therapy ( CBT ) or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing ( EMDR ) or / and have experience working with some form of compulsions. We can take a similar approach for compulsions including sex, gambling, etc.

Working with compulsions in a multi-sensory experience for both counselor and client; often rewarding and always challenging. Many who are abusing alcohol are unaware and minimizing the impact of their drinking habits on others.

We take the approach that in many cases there may be a psychological or psychosocial mechanism at play in compulsions. I often describe it like a coal train; the coal/fuel is motivating the escapism. The cars attached to the engine are moving from the momentum or habit that has been established.

So the plan with counseling for potential compulsions is to stop the engine. Work towards removing the coal (the psychological trauma). Once we stop the engine, by taking out the motivation, then it’s just the momentum of the cars that need to be slowed down by applying the breaks. It doesn’t make sense to try and put on the breaks while the engine is still fired up and moving.

The engine can be stopped in many cases with a very simple and efficient treatment such as CBT or EMDR. We often only need a few sessions to see a person transform the way they see their traumatic history and their compulsions. Once the drive to drink is reduced, we offer guidance on how to stop the habit.

We offer a path towards easy to access tools like mindfulness and urge surfing, and through treatment we can teach the client how to retrain their brain patters, well-worn from a long history of anxiety and escapism. With additional support from neurofeedback and neurostimulation technology, we can offer client a way to see the benefits of retraining the impulses to find new healthy ways towards stopping the habit.

About the Author : Dr. Glenn Graves is an American psychologist who has lived and worked in Asia since 2004. The founder and director of Counseling Perspective, Glenn has nearly two decades of experience in providing counselling support to local and expatriate individuals, couples, and families in Singapore. His specialities include child counselling and trauma recovery. Read Full Bio >

New Paragraph

Mindful Path to Parenting

Fri, 26 Nov 2021 16:39:57 GMT

The youth of today can be an enigma, especially to the parents who feel they should understand them the most. In my years of experience working with students, the very first thing I observe, is how responsive they are when they sense someone is listening to them with their fullest attention, being present with them without any feeling of being judged.

Allowing young people to express their emotions, feelings, and giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, instead of being instructed what to do, can really empower them towards thinking more positively. This is the case because the brain of a teen goes through a phase of changes such as synaptic pruning, restructuring and myelination.

In this stage, the brain goes through something like a sieving process, to destroy weak neural connections and preserve strong ones. At the same time, the frontal lobe of the brain tunes up for emotions, social connection and building relationships, and tunes down in areas of planning, controlling impulses and forward strategic thinking.

Support through listening

In general, most children at this stage of their life lean on their instinct, and they can sense if an adult is genuinely here for them or are here to do something else such as trying to control or undermine their natural interests. In my youth counselling sessions, I often share an illustration from Aesop’s Fables that highlights how each time we push against a resistance, we often encounter a greater resistance. It’s more mutually beneficial to inspire change. An example is creating safety so one feels comfortable to open up.

The good news is that our youth also inherently know that they can benefit from adults love and support and even guidance at times. So how can we cultivate a healthy culture of instilling discipline, positive empowerment, and self-regulation, that can positively inspire and reinforce the behaviour of a child, and support them in their mental health and well-being?

Learn to listen and be present and open with them. As shared earlier, listening is a primary way that really supports my connection with young people whom I work with, and an active mindfulness practice or mindful awareness is very helpful in making the connection real. Actively and mindfully listening to a young person can create space for them to be able to say whatever they want or need to feel heard. In taking on an approach of response, it is helpful to offer replies in a way that helps them see that you are trying to understand what they are going through. Adopting phrases such as, “What I hear you say was…” or “Ah, could you tell me more?” can be so much more powerful than trying to help them solve a problem with “Why don’t you…”, or “We know better”.

Simple and genuine means of acknowledging their emotion and feelings offers them an opportunity to recognise and explore the emotion/s they are feeling. When they begin realising that you were connecting to how they feel, or what they are going through, the connection and relationship naturally begins to strike a bond.

Empower positivity through role modelling

When I work with youth, they invariably will mention how their parents (or significant caregivers in their life) could benefit from learning about mindfulness too!

Adopting a mindfulness practice of your own such as learning from mindfulness trainings, like the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), will help you learn to integrate mindfulness into your daily life. As you begin to integrate some mindfulness in your daily life and activities, you naturally gain a greater sense of awareness of your own behaviour and others around you. Little shifts and change can start to positively shape your perspective of things and the relationship that you have with your child and the people around you.

Having to nurture a child can feel like a long and challenging learning journey for many parents. However, no hope is loss for any child if we can as adults learn to be present for ourselves, with our loved ones and the people around us. Mindfulness is a practice that takes time, but its value is lifelong. Your relationship with child doesn’t have to be worrisome or painful if you begin to explore caregiving or parenting as a journey of self-discovery and realisation.

About the Author : Danica Toh has a background in sport psychology and specializes in mindfulness, yoga therapy, and family therapy. She also facilitates the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) programme for adults, an eight week evidence-based course that offers secular mindfulness training to help people cope with stress, anxiety, depression and pain.

Recognizing Depression in Teens

Wed, 06 Oct 2021 14:27:21 GMT

Depression is one of the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents (World Health Organization). It is more than just a phase children and young adults go through. Untreated depression at an early age often has serious consequences, leading to suicidal ideation and unhelpful thinking patterns which may persist into adulthood.

There are multiple reasons why a teenager might become depressed. School performance, peer pressure, or rapid physical changes can significantly affect how a teen feels. For example, the rapid physical growth teens go through may make them very self-conscious and worried about their body changes.

However, on top of that, research has shown that the prevalence of depression and anxiety symptoms during Covid-19 in teens has doubled compare to pre-pandemic estimates (Racine et al., 2021). The study also suggests that ongoing social isolation, family financial difficulties, and school disruption elevate depression in teens during this challenging period.

Even though it is treatable, many teens do not seek help. Thus, it is crucial to watch out for the emotional and behavioral changes teens experience, as I listed some below:

Emotional Changes

The inability to concentrate in doing daily tasks
Low self-esteem
Mood swings
Lost of interest in usual activities
Constant feelings of negative emotions, e.g., sadness, anger, frustration, etc.
Feeling empty and hopeless
The feeling of loneliness and helplessness
Excessive irritability and emotional outbursts
Thoughts of death and suicide

Behavioral Changes

Insomnia, or sleeping too much
Alcohol and drug abuse
Eating disorder , excessive dieting, or binge eating
Social withdrawal
Poor school performance
Agitation or restlessness
Self-harm, e.g., cutting, punching, or burning
Planning or even make a suicide attempt

If you know someone you think may have depression:

Listen empathetically by asking more questions to understand their situation instead of making assumptions. Validate their feelings and show genuine concern. You may say: It must have been challenging to be in the position you are now. I am sorry to hear that.
Be supportive and encouraging, even though you may not fully understand what they are going through. Check on this friend regularly, and text like 'I am here if you need anyone to talk to, and I do care for you’ may help.
Help them to consider speaking with a youth counsellor . It's okay to help them search and even book the appointment with them.
If you noticed that s/he has suicidal thoughts, DON’T WAIT TO GET HELP. Instead, notify someone you think can help this friend - school’s counsellor, family member, mentor, etc.

Depression can be overwhelming and manifest in different forms. But things can change for the better. Talk to someone and seek support. Do more of the things you feel are helpful. Go to counselling to learn coping skills. This, too, shall pass.

References :

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy. New York: Guilford Press.

Racine, et al. (2021). Global Prevalence of Depressive and Anxiety Symptoms in Children and Adolescents During COVID-19. American Medical Association. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2782796

Adolescence Mental Health. (2020, September 28). Retrieved from https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health

About the Author : Irene Monica provides counselling services for a range of emotional, behavioural and interpersonal challenges, including: phobia removal; anxiety, panic and depression; smoking cessation; and self-confidence, performance anxiety and public speaking. She is an experienced practitioner of positive psychology, hypnotherapy, and psychotherapy. Read Full Bio >

Crafting Your Path as a Person-Centred Lawyer

Mon, 13 Sep 2021 07:56:19 GMT

Finding the right path forward

Congratulations! You have come a long way, from being qualified for law schools, to securing training contracts in the midst of Covid-19 pandemic, and finally to being admitted to the Bar! This is indeed a memorable moment to celebrate, and be proud of your achievements thus far, but also the time to take stock and reflect on your path forward.

For those of you who have a clear idea of the practice area in which you want to start your legal career, and have been offered a job – you are among the more fortunate ones. Many others, as I understand, are still pondering about which practice area or which firm to join. As a Panelled Counsellor under the Law care program and Career Path scheme of the Law Society, I have often been approached by young lawyers who wonder whether they are suited for what they are doing, or even whether law practice is for them.

By now, you would probably have a taste of the two main practice areas – Disputes and Corporate, and you might have been given a glimpse of some of the more focused practice areas. Hopefully, through your training and speaking to practitioners in the relevant practice areas, you would have an idea how it is like to be a disputes lawyer vs a corporate lawyer, and you have formed an opinion which practice area you are more inclined towards. In deciding which practice area is most suited for you, I encourage you to reflect and evaluate your values, interests, strengths and weaknesses.

Values

Do ask yourself what is most important to you in your legal career? Why did you choose to be a lawyer in the first place? Do you see yourself as the sort of justice lawyer who would Fight for the underdog and make a difference to the society? Do you have a passion to serve the community and be involved in family law matters? Or are you attracted to the corporate world where deals are made and solutions are created? I would urge you to follow your passion as well as your mission in choosing your practice, because if you are doing something fulfilling and meaningful to you, you will have more capacity to put in the hard work.

Interests

Some of you love advocacy and could see yourself arguing in court. Some might be interested to see how a deal is structured, and what goes into a contract between two opposing parties. Many are attuned to technology and have a flair for the applications of intellectual properties. There are also lawyers who prefer the more routine type of work with manageable pace. Whatever your interests and temperament, there would be some practice areas within the diverse legal profession that might suit you.

Strengths and weaknesses

As lawyers, we are usually better in some traits but not everything. Some have great advocacy skills, and the knack for strategising to win in court. Some others are good solution creators, and have the capability to draft ideas into contracts. Many have good interpersonal skills, and are skilled in people management and project management. Learning to play to your strengths and recognise your weaknesses, is part of the process in finding the right path for yourselves.

Never too late

You may not land yourself at the most suited firm or practice area at the first instance, and you may only discover that after a few years of trying out different firms or practice areas. However, do take heart that everything that you do in your early years of practice will only make you better in your next job. So, it would not be a waste of your time and effort if you need to take a few years to find your path, and it is never too late to change course. Even if you come to realise that the law profession is not for you after several years, you would have mastered some useful skill sets and made some good friends along the way, and your experiences would only enrich you.

Being a person-centred lawyer

I had learned in my master’s course in counselling (after my career as a corporate lawyer in private practice for over 25 years), that the three core conditions highlighted by Carl Rogers (1977) for being a person-centred therapist or counsellor are -- non-judgemental, congruence and empathy. As I look back, I realise that I had, albeit not consciously, actually applied the same three conditions, during my time as a lawyer. I would partly attribute to my practising of these conditions for being successful in sustaining myself all those years a a transactional corporate lawyer in a highly stressful environment.

Non-judgemental

As a lawyer, we owe our duty to our clients (subject to the overriding duty owed to the court and upholding the law). Clients come in all forms and shapes; some are more demanding or idiosyncratic than others. It is not your place to judge your clients, regardless of your personal opinion or moral/ethics standards. It is your duty to act in the best interest of you clients, and advance their goals and objectives as instructed.

The same principle of having positive regard would apply to treating the people whom you work with, subject to reasonable standards of respect, non-discrimination and boundaries.

It would greatly facilitate your work, if you focus on the objective of the case/transaction and the task at hand, and not let your personal judgement of the clients or colleagues affect your emotions and stand in the way. Avoid personalising or labelling of others or yourself, and try to be rational, open-minded and receptive to others, including your subordinates.

Congruence

It is of utmost importance that we stay true to ourselves at all times, and act in a manner that is congruent with our feelings. If you are having difficulty with certain issues, take control of the issues and face them up-front. If you do not find your work fulfilling, reflect on what you are doing and whether it accords with your values and passion. If you are experiencing burnout, evaluate your actions and working environment, and take steps for self-care or have a change of environment. If your health is suffering or your personal life is falling apart because of your work, take stock of your current priorities in life.

It also pays to be sincere and honest with your clients and the people that your work with. If you think you are not able to meet certain deadlines, it is better to be truthful about it and manage the client’s or your supervisor’s expectations. If you have made any mistake, take ownership and apologise for it. If you disagree with your client’s or your co-worker’s approach, share your views in a respectful way.

You will earn the respect of your clients and colleagues by being congruent and mature, and managing any issues in a professional manner.

Empathy

For a lawyer to be effective, besides being technically sound, he/she needs to be good at reading people, reading the room/court, and understanding the issues or situations. It is therefore important to have empathy, the ability to put yourself in the shoes of others, and try to understand the situation from the perspective of your client, the counter-party, the opposing counsel, and other stakeholders. By understanding the client and other opposing side, you will be in a better position to provide a good solution to satisfy the parties concerned.

Similarly, having empathy for the people that you work with will reduce a lot of workplace conflicts. Looking from the other person’s perspective and not jumping to conclusion are important traits for enhancing healthy working relationships. From what I can see, empathy appears to be a rare commodity within the legal profession. This could be due to the high level of pressure from top down, causing everybody to be single-mindedly concerned about meeting his/her own performance targets or deadlines. Practising empathy will enhance your emotional intelligence which is an asset that is just as important, if not more, as your technical skills in sustaining your law practice.

However, above all, you must always have self-compassion, and not be too critical about yourself or your mistakes. Having a high but realistic standard for your work is fine, but trying to be perfect is unhealthy as there is no such thing as being “perfect”. You should not be afraid to make mistakes, as you learn by making mistakes, just like any other senior lawyers in the profession.

Parting words

As a newly admitted lawyer, do take your time to explore and find the right path for yourself, and a firm that offers the right fit for you. Try practising the key conditions of being a person-centred lawyer -- by being non-critical, congruent and empathic, to self and others. If there are more person-centred lawyers in the legal industry, it would be more sustainable for young lawyers to remain in the profession for the long haul.

Once again, congratulations, and best wishes to you in crafting your path forward.

Chei Liang Sin, a Law Society counselor, contributed the above article in the August 2021 issue of the Law Gazette, to share her thoughts and advice with the newly-called lawyers who have just been admitted to the Singapore Bar. Chei Liang believes that the same considerations and philosophies would apply to any other professions or careers. If you would like to seek career counseling or coaching , feel free to contact Chei Liang at cheiliang@counselingperspective.com.

About the Author : Originally from Malaysia, Chei Liang Sin has lived in Singapore for the past 30 years. She speaks English, Mandarin and Cantonese. A former corporate lawyer, Chei Liang made the career change to be a counsellor because she wanted to touch people's lives in a more meaningful way. She works with clients on various mental health issues and also provides career counselling. Read Full Bio >

Home-schooling Survival Tips for Parents

Wed, 19 May 2021 03:16:13 GMT

When news of local schools reverting to home-based learning broke on Sunday evening, messages came flooding in fast and furious from chat-groups of parents from the international school where my daughter and son were attending Grade 6 and 4 respectively.

It would be a matter of time that the ruling extends to international schools, we conceded.

Indeed, a few hours later, the home-based learning regulation was made official by the school superintendent. Like many of my friends and clients who are working mothers with school-going children, my heart sank.

As I skimmed over other information in the memo such as requests to return library books, my thoughts started racing back to my memory bank where my home-schooling survival tips from last year have been happily archived away.

Here are some tried and tested ideas that have helped me get the most out of the previous experience:

Choose your battles

As patience runs thin during home-schooling, I believe in recalibrating rules around the house. However, is it really worth the fuss getting the kids to keep their books neatly stacked and bedroom floor clear of crumbs? An untidy room isn’t the end of the world. I choose to focus my energy on kids' mental and emotional health . How are they coping with the rigours of home-schooling? Are they still having opportunities to connect with their friends? These are what matters.

Bring back the reward chart

Some kids are self-motivated. Unfortunately mine aren’t. It’s surprising but true for my case that reward charts are not only effective when my kids were little, but even as 10 and 12 year olds. Rewards help them stay on task and keep their eyes on the incentives.

Staying focused on their Google Meets and delivering their assignments on time are some of the tasks that would earn them points on their reward chart.

The carefully accumulated points are then up for either instant redemption (online movies purchase, Roblox time / Robux purchase) or when the restrictions are lifted such as sleepover parties, Universal Studio tickets with friends, cook-offs, competitions etc. Involve the kids in the discussion – what behaviour or outcomes are deserving of points and what they’d like to use them for, and when.

Let them retain some control

The never-ending Covid has such a demoralising impact on adults and kids alike. Since we have no control over how Covid will run its course, it’s important for kids to understand there are some things still within their control. For example, letting them plan, decide or even make their own meals during the school week. Thankfully for me, my kids are food-motivated, so this works wonders.

In addition to meal choices, the kids can also decide where they’d like to park themselves during their Google Meets and discussions. Even if it means changing their spot every 15 minutes. Kids are restless by nature - just because they’re laying on the bean bags with their feet against the wall doesn’t mean they’re not working hard.

Build in specific check-in times during the day

Home-schooling can dominate all our waking hours if we let it. Having to juggle my own work during the day, I made it a point to schedule specific check-ins time throughout the day. These are the time windows where the kids could get my help with their school assignments or any other challenges they’re facing. This helps to cultivate their time management skills too.

Put yourself in their shoes

News of the school closure came so abruptly that gives our kids little time for proper farewell to teachers and classmates. Depending on the age of your child, the sense of loss could also extend to missed opportunities for a simple hug goodbye or the grander events like graduations, yearbook signings or year-end performances.

Feelings of sadness are often masked in various ways such as outbursts and tantrums to disconnection. As parents, we shouldn’t take these behaviour personally but to be curious about what’s triggering their thoughts and emotions. It helps to attend to their emotions with empathy.

In addition, show them how to express their feelings in creative ways such as drawing, journaling or even using digital apps that allow kids to script, direct and develop their own animation.

Be their role model

One of the most important strategies I’ve learnt is self-care. Think of the “put your oxygen mask on first” concept. When we show our kids how to cope with life’s stressors in a healthy and self-compassionate way, they can learn to develop the ability to regulate their own emotions, building resilience that can benefit them in the long run.

If you are facing parenting issues during this challenging period, feel free to book a consultation session with Esther.

About the Author : Esther Oon-Bybjerg is a corporate communications manager, branding expert, and trained counsellor. She speaks fluent English and Mandarin. Esther’s main areas of practice cover anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, relationships and intimacy issues. Esther also specializes in career counseling, and volunteers with the Singapore National Council of Social Services. Read Full Bio >

How to Reconnect and Rekindle Romance with Your Partner

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 02:22:46 GMT

I often hear my clients saying how they caught up with an old friend they hadn’t talked to in years and it was like “no time had passed”. I have experienced the same and it amazes me how the beauty of old friendships can be preserved over time.

I have reflected on this time of Covid-19, and how this pandemic is impacting the community and in particular, couples. It strikes me that many of my marriage counselling clients, prior to Covid-19, would describe their partner with a melancholic meandering, as the old friend they once had, who is now more like a stranger or even antagonist at times. They feel alone in the marriage and household, struggling with time management and work life balance and the majority complain about the lack of time with their kids or spouse, or more importantly their self. Then came Covid-19 and suddenly the Universe granted everyone’s wish, Right? Sadly this has caused great challenge for these partnered strangers now being housebound and “imprisoned” in the same shelter.

I believe in the art of reframe and tend to see this situation as a new opportunity for what Esther Perel calls mating in captivity. It is my deepest wish that all couple’s whether you are housebound together or apart, attempt to reframe this situation to take advantage of this rare opportunity. I know this is easier said than done and suddenly being thrust into a house with a veritable stranger is daunting, but this stranger is only a stranger because one or both let things drift. This person who you met at the pub or church or at a friend’s house party, or at work, used to ignite something in you. This person took your attention and became a priority, at least for a while, until the marriage ceremony or move in was complete. It is easy for couples to drift, especially after kids are brought into their worlds, but the majority of that original person (focus of your desire) is still intact and still there, just more shell shocked perhaps.

The good news is most relationships can be considered organic in the notion that growth comes from nurturing. If you were seeking enlightenment, you might spend more time in focused meditation or chanting mantras, if you wanted a deeper walk in your spiritual world you would spend more time in study, or deep contemplation and reverent honoring of the belief system. Why can’t we apply the same to relationships? If we allow the dynamic to become two people in a power play for the household, we can imagine where that will end up. This is especially the case, if one has been typically running the show already. So let’s step back and re-invest in the before-kids-vision of the couple’s relationship, when you could laugh and dream, and were constantly pursuing affection with the other. Trust me, the kids want this atmosphere as well.

The miscommunications, attitudes, and hurtful acts which have occurred in the ensuing years and which have created this vast divide, were just part of an unhealthy intimacy. It’s not your fault. Nobody explained how to handle the first 10 years of marriage and kids. This circuit breaker is meant to power down the old energy source. It’s meant to create a pause, and repair, then force a reboot to the system, bringing new energy and new charge!

Here are some ideas I would like all couples of Covid-19 to explore during circuit breaker:

Partner A: You were a hunter for your partner once. In that state of want and pursuit, you were incredibly creative. Remember? You were gallant and chivalrous and adventurous and expressive, and romantic and very clever when planning your seduction. Now is your chance to bring that back. If you can’t be inspired by your partner because too much drifting has taken place, then let it be an exercise towards “enlightenment”. Take the first steps without knowing what will come of it, but knowing what you want to come of it. Or do it for the pure fun of being creative, in a way that benefits your partner.

If you are in the house together or if circuit breaker has you apart, look around the house. Be MacGyver for a moment. What furnishings, foods, toys, could help you create a spontaneous and romantic getaway, while in the same house. A staycation at home so to speak. Perhaps pick a place you have always wanted to travel to together and create it. A trip around the world can be brought to the living room through YouTube HD drone videos of most countries of the world, cuisine of any country can be made in your kitchen or ordered in. Costumes or local flair is easy to find in your closet when you really need to impress her. Additional props are strewn throughout the house from those souvenirs and trinkets you picked up and always wondered how you would use them.

Partner B, when we look at the 5 love languages the majority of the men I’ve met would say that Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch are their preferred ways of receiving love. So at least express one of these during this housebound era.

Create an authentic way to offer affirmation. Choose three things you like about your partner and offer this observation or insight with them. Even if it’s what John Gottman calls Positivity in Conflict, find a way to praise. This is when you would say what is good about this thing you want changed. For example, “Honey, I can overhear how amazing you are with your colleagues. You are so patient and kind when you are handling challenges with them, and I can imagine how much they all respect you”. I don’t feel the same kind of kind energy from you when we face challenges recently. What do you think is interfering with us? The tone you use to deliver this has to be sincere. Try to choose a positive statement that you actually believe and deliver the conflict part of the statement in the same genuine tone, so it won’t come across as sarcasm or condescending.

*This might seem like a passive way to seduce your partner but trust me, men have natural desires and in most cases are just trying to clear the obstacles to fulfilling that desire. If they feel undervalued or even worse, irrelevant, this is an obstacle.

For both partners, take responsibility for the relationship with this other human being. This person had dreams and hopes before meeting you. They had loving family who want the best for them. This dreamer is still alive and trying to live a life of value without getting lost in the process. Help them find their way, as you had promised once.

Both parties can consider what lifts their spirits or builds on their resources. Make a list and see which areas match. Maybe it’s a music genre you both love, or a faith/practice (religion, yoga, meditation, etc.) you have been wanting to explore, then plan the activity together. These are all available online. Remember the things that can hurt us like sexual disconnection, value conflicts, can also be re-aligned and bring intimacy. Even financial re-visioning can bring a form of intimacy as it links directly to safety and security and shared dreaming.

Massage is another I highly recommend especially because social physical connection is the one thing we are all craving the most at a time like this. A sensual massage conveys attraction, care, desire and is ultimately a very loving act in itself. Obviously both parties can offer this to the other. This is the most direct way of nurturing the organic love.

Remember, if we are creating safety, investing in trust building behaviors, and offering adventures in our sincere pursuit of each other, the rest should flow naturally. The suggestion above are not intended to imply you should return to your partner, as a representative from the past (the old you). It is okay that you have evolved and changed, but let this new situation bring a new conversation with an old friend. Take time to get to know this person you chose so many years ago. The ideas above are just a few ways to kickstart the new adventure. This global social distancing initiative is a beautiful and very rare opportunity to revisit and reconnect with your old friend and life partner. Move away from melancholy towards magic moments in the present, while creating new memories for the future.

Carpe Diem!

Single In The City: The Joy Of Dating Yourself

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 02:18:04 GMT

Being single is now viewed as in vogue; or so we are told by the new generation of feminists who are waving goodbye to the old-fashioned ideas of settling with a husband before they hit 30, and hello to a life driven by their own dreams and desires.

This is great news for those who are content to live a single life, but what about the women who are looking to settle, and who feel their single status is a misfortune?

Being single and living in a city such as Singapore offers many rewards, such as having the freedom to pursue your own interests, appreciating quiet moments of solitude and learning how to enjoy your own company. However, being single in the city can also feel isolating.

It is likely your weekends are spent at parties surrounded by couples, your social media is full of engagements, weddings and babies, and when you drag yourself to family events, you get the dreaded “why aren’t you married yet?” question.

Dating for women can be difficult in a place like Singapore. If you are an expatriate, you will have found that many expatriate men have come here with their partners. For those men who have arrived single, the party lifestyle and staying single can be all too enticing.

Finding a man who is looking to settle down can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Even when a woman finds a man who is looking for something serious, there is always the risk they will be whisked away to another country due to work or family commitments. It can be confusing and disheartening to be living in such a transient city.

While you can increase your chances of meeting the right man, there is a large element fate, chance and divine intervention in whether you will meet ‘Mr Right’. However, you do have some influence over these outcomes, so let’s focus on gaining power over things you can change and let the rest happen naturally.

You can influence your happiness because ultimately, you are in control of the choices that lead to it.

Happiness is described as ‘the overall experience of pleasure and meaning’. Meaning is needed to give you a sense of purpose in life, and pleasure provides a sense of joy.

If you want to feel happier, add pleasure or meaning to your life. The best thing about this? You do not need another person to help you.

Here are 4 ways in which you can increase your happiness while you wait for Mr Right to come knocking at your door.

1. Why wait to date a man? Create your own dream dates.

Why are you waiting for someone else to cook your favourite meal, light candles, play your favourite music or to run you a luxurious bubble bath? Do it for yourself and enjoy being cared for by the one most important person in your life - you.

Me-dates do not need to be kept at home. Doing things alone can be incredibly uplifting as you come to enjoy your own company. Start with a coffee alone, then go for lunch. Build up your confidence until you feel comfortable to dress-to-impress and eat at a fancy restaurant - the difference here is that the only person you want to impress is yourself.

Why stop at simple date nights? Book that trip you have been dreaming of and join the thousands of people who are traveling solo. A study released in May 2018 found that “there is also a surge in solo travel.. with 40% of baby boomers having taken a solo trip in the last year, and a further 21% planning to take one in the future”.

By going out of your way to look after yourself, you begin to cultivate your self-esteem. This is something that many people overlook but it is one of the most significant aspects to feeling fulfilled.

It is important that you can rely on yourself to nurture your self-esteem and not become reliant on the opposite sex to make you feel worthy. You ARE worthy, and the better your treat yourself, the more you will start believing it.

2. Mates-dates will have you laughing so hard your tummy hurts.

Gather your girls for a pizza night, evening of cocktails or a healthier option such as a long walk or yoga class. Make it even simpler and take your best friend out on a date of their dreams. Making others happy will in turn create that warm fuzzy feeling for you too.

The support of your friends may enable you to try something more adventurous such as a new exercise class or learning a new skill. Weekends away exploring nearby attractions adn trips abroad are also a great way to connect with friends while at the same time exploring the world.

You may have heard the phrase, “friends are the family you choose for yourself”. This illustrates the importance of nurturing your friendships and keeping the connections strong. This can be even more significant for expatriates who live many miles from their family and require a strong support system around them in their new home country.

3. Focus on what you have, not what you do not have.

It is easy to look at people in relationships and wish that could be you. When you find yourself doing this, I urge you to focus not on what is lacking in your life but instead focus on what you do have.

Gratitude is repeatedly hailed as the secret to happiness and it is so for a reason. When you feel you are going down a negative thought pattern, make a list of 10 things you are grateful for. The list can be mental, or you can write it down. Personally, I prefer to write it down as this helps to cement it in my mind. Your list can include small details such as being grateful someone held the door for you at work, or it can include bigger details such as having supportive and loving family/friends.

4. Take the time and energy to develop self-awareness.

As a therapist, I am naturally a big proponent of therapy. It can be very beneficial to spend time with a therapist and explore exactly who you; what are your desires, values and goals and how can you ensure you are fulfilling these in your life.

Self-awareness can also be fostered through meditation. Sit comfortably, close your eyes and observe your thoughts. Do not try and change them, or judge them, just observe them. It can feel strange at first, but try to embrace all of the emotions you are feeling. Having a meditation practice can be an incredibly self-educational experience when it is practiced consistently.

The ideas I have provided here I recommend to anyone, no matter what your relationship status may be. The outcomes of the above actions are increased gratitude, understanding and acceptance, which are the pillars for feeling fulfilled.

Single in the City: The Joy of Dating is the first in a series of blog posts aimed at supporting those who are finding it hard living as a single person. If this resonates with you, do not hesitate to contact Dr. Freya who specialises in self-esteem and can support you to overcome any negativity you are experiencing.

About the Author : Dr. Freya strongly believes in the science of Positive Psychology and uses her wealth of knowledge in this area to help clients overcome issues they face, enabling them to feel more positive towards themselves and their lives. Freya has a PhD in Psychology, is a qualified Yoga Teacher, and has completed courses in Meditation and Buddhist Studies. Read Full Bio >

Can Exercise Help Anger Management & Reduce Rageful Outbursts?

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 02:13:26 GMT

Anger can act as an instigator for aggressive tendencies and violent behaviour, which can lead to a number of negative outcomes. It is important for those who struggle with anger issues to learn how to manage with them in healthy ways. With exercise being increasingly named as the number one method to support anger management (and my deep interest in the effects of exercise) I was keen to explore this further.

Exercise has a positive influence on mental health.

Exercise is known to have a positive effect on emotional well-being. The use of exercise as a coping mechanism is a healthy way for people to combat mental states such as depression, anxiety and stress.

Indeed, those who exercise regularly have an increase in positive mood; including tension and stress relief, anxiety and alertness.

But how does exercise relate to anger?

Exercise can work as a prevention for anger. In a recent study conducted in the US, people who exercised more were found to be less prone to anger and aggressive tendencies. A finding that has interesting appeared to be stronger in women than in men.

Exercise can also work as a tool to overcome anger. Researchers discovered a large positive effect on stress, depression and anger when people who suffered from burnout used exercise to manage their symptoms.

There are a number of ideas as to how exercise supports anger management.

One theory ( the Cross-Stressor Adaptation Hypothesis ) suggests that the key to helping anger management is the prolonged physiological stress state the body experiences during exercise. To put it simply, your body experiences so much physiological stress during exercise that (through habituation) it becomes better able to deal with stress in normal life.

Another theory suggests that exercise supports anger management due to increasing the functionality of the hippocampus (the part of the brain involved with learning and memory processes). By increasing the function of the hippocampus, the cognitive control system (which is in charge of regulating anger) also grows, resulting in improved anger management.

The experiences during exercise help develop healthy anger management techniques.

When you exercise your brain is intensely focused on the movement, breath and body. When you are focused, you are distracted from the issues that cause you stress and anger. Having regular breaks from repeatedly thinking about stimuli that causes anger is a very effective way in which exercise can support anger management.

When you exercise your heart rate increases and you experience shorter, shallow breaths. Your body naturally works to slow your breathing to a normal pace following exercising. This physiological response is similar to the response needed to calm down when you are feeling angry.

Anger = increased heart rate. Calm = decreased heart rate.

Learning and practicing to control your heart rate is an effective tool that exercise can teach you to help anger management.

How can I incorporate these findings into my life?

As we have seen, exercise has a whole host of benefits for both physical and mental well-being. But it is one thing to know this information, and another to do something about it.

First of all, find a type of exercise that you enjoy! There is no point committing to run 3 times a week when you hate running. If anything you will find your anger increase at the thought of something so unpleasant!

Maybe you like stretching, Yoga or Pilates, maybe you enjoy power outbursts such as running or spinning, or maybe you more enjoy leisurely activities e.g., swimming or going for bike rides. Getting started is all about accessibility so do what is available and enjoyable to you.

Personally, I find yoga helps with my general emotional state. I am a lot less prone to angry outbursts when I have a regular yoga practice. However, if I am angry, there is nothing better than putting my headphones in and listening to some very loud music while I go for a 5km run!

Once you have chosen your exercise, I suggest you start now. Do not wait for Monday, for the start of the month, or for a special occasion to pop up, start your new routine now.

If you feel you are not pushing yourself enough, the fact you are moving your body is the important part. Do not get too caught up in how fast you are going, how much sweat you are producing, or how many miles you can cover. Progress is better than perfection.

Finally, give it time. It may take a couple of weeks to start to reap the rewards of your new exercise routine but trust me (and the research evidence) the benefits will come with time!

If you would like further information about how to manage anger or if you are interested in learning about the benefits of exercise and incorporating this into your life then do not hesitate to contact myself ( Dr. Freya ) to book a session.

References:

Bannon, S. M., Salis, K. L., & O'Leary, K. D. (2015). Structural brain abnormalities in aggression and violent behavior. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 25, 323-329 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1359178915001317

Chu, I. (2008). Effect of exercise intensity during aerobic training on depressive symptoms in initially sedentary depressed women. 86-103. (Order No. 10630864). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1923387061). https://etd.ohiolink.edu/apexprod/rws_etd/send_file/send?accession=osu1204261519&disposition=inline

Edenfield, T. M. (2007). Exercise and mood: Exploring the role of exercise in regulating stress reactivity in bipolar disorder (Order No. 3277226). Available from Psychology Database. (304850999). https://digitalcommons.library.umaine.edu/etd/32/

Henchoz, Y., Baggio, S., N'goran, A. A., Studer, J., Deline, S., Mohler-kuo, M., & Gmel, G. (2014). Health impact of sport and exercise in emerging adult men: A prospective study. Quality of Life Research, 23(8), 2225-2234. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s11136-014-0665-0

Holmes, D. S., & Roth, D. L. (1987). Effects of aerobic exercise training and relaxation training on cardiovascular activity during psychological stress. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 32, 469-474. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3070014/

Kemp, D. (2018) Is Exercise an Effective Treatment for Reducing Anxiety in Patients with Panic Disorder? PCOM Physician Assistant Studies Student Scholarship. 367. https://digitalcommons.pcom.edu/pa_systematic_reviews/367/

Kim, Y., Choi, H. and Yeom, H. (2019). Relationships between Exercise Behavior and Anger Control of Hospital Nurses. Asian Nursing Research, 13 (1), 86-91. Doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.anr.2019.01.009

Schultz, A. E. (2018). Effects of Exercise on Anger and Aggressive Tendencies. Undergraduate Theses. 168. https://digitalcommons.csp.edu/cup_commons_undergrad/22/

Thirlaway, K., & Benton, D. (1991). Participation in physical activity and cardiovascular fitness have different effects on mental health and mood. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 36, 657-665. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/1404000/

Washburn, C. R., Pritchard, M. E., Book, P., & Clark, C. (2007). Correlations between exercise and anger in college students. Perceptual and Motor Skills, 104(3), 1310. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17879665/

How Yoga Taught Me To Love Myself

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 02:04:04 GMT

I didn’t seek out yoga; I was lucky in that it fell right in front of me at the most perfect time of my life. I could never have believed the positive change the practice of yoga would have on me, and never would I have dared to believe it could teach me the most important lesson I have learned: how to love myself.

My first experience of yoga was while I was working at Cambridge University and I was assigned to a research project looking at the benefits of yoga. I had always been interested in yoga after hearing stories of life-changing, earth-shattering spiritual journeys other yogis had been on. My interest was fuelled further as I began to read more and more about how beneficial yoga can be to the mind and body. However, at the time I felt a preference for more vigorous physical exercise, and I viewed yoga purely as stretching. That was, until I stepped into a yoga studio and began my practice.

Yoga has achieved something remarkable.

It made me love myself. I had a pattern of intense negative thinking , self-criticism and low self-esteem. Yoga, completely unconsciously, has set me on the path to happiness.

Yoga has taught me that life isn’t about being perfect; it is about striving to be the best version of me today. Yesterday or tomorrow do not matter because each day is wildly different. In every yoga class, my body will work fantastically in some poses and not so well in others. Life is like this. We have no idea what each day will bring, nor can we predict it. All we can do it accept what we have in that moment and work with it.

I admired my determination to enter the yoga room day after day, even though it was the most uncomfortable place on earth. Uncomfortable physically, as I attended only hot classes (36-40 degrees Celsius) for my first year, and also mentally, as I was the least flexible in the room. I admired my body for how it would cope and adapt to the conditions of the room. I admired it, and thanked it, for the progress it made in each pose. Enduring such uncomfortable conditions would prove to me each day just how strong I was.

As a woman, seeing real women with real bodies is so important.

Real bodies with (what the media would have us believe are) ‘imperfections’, that are able to practice in the most beautiful way. The mirrors present in the studio played a big part in my self-acceptance. Being forced to stand and look at my body for 60 - 90 minutes gave my mind the opportunity to work deeply. My instant go-to thoughts of how disgusting I looked and how imperfect I was, had time to be pushed out by the reality in front of me. My judgemental mind quietened.

Yoga has, in short, completely changed my life. It has guided me toward the best version of myself that I can be. I am now calm, stress-free (most of the time anyway!), self-accepting and, most of all, happy. It taught me that true happiness has to be cultivated from the inside, and that this takes time. Without being constantly conscious of it, I am developing a patience and self-acceptance that I honestly never thought myself capable of.

All in all, I have learned that if we look after the inside, the outside takes care of itself. I am now, finally, channeling my perfectionist tendencies that were once damaging into something my body loves, and something that loves my body.

If you have been inspired by this article and would like to learn more about yoga and meditation and how you can incorporate it into your life, book a consultation with Dr. Freya Bajandouh.

Equine Therapy: The Use of Horses for Healing

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 02:00:24 GMT

Last week we were kindly invited by Cathy Livingston to explore the use of horses in a therapeutic setting, as we learnt all about her work as an Equine Assisted Psychotherapist. This prompted me to explore an area of therapy that I (admittedly) do not have a great deal of knowledge in. However, I am always keen to learn about everything therapy-related, so I jumped at the chance to expand my knowledge and share with you some of my findings.

The use of animals in a therapeutic setting is not a new concept, in fact it was first documented as early as the late 1700’s (Trivedi & Perl, 1995). Animals can provide a sense of comfort, safety and calmness in people, as well as being effective at diverting attention away from stressful or anxiety-provoking situations. Animals can help individuals stabilise emotions, develop a sense of confidence and trust, and improve communication and connection with others and the self.

Equine therapy has been shown to be effective at reducing psychological distress and enhancing psychological well-being (Klontz et al., 2007).

In one of the only clinical trials of Equine Therapy, positive results were found from indivituals who completed short courses (4 ½ days) of Equine Therapy. These include individuals reporting that they felt more orientation to the present moment, they felt less burdened by regret, guilt and resentment and had less focus on fears related to the future. In addition, individuals reported they felt more independent and self-supportive. More recent research involving participants with Autism Spectrum Disorder has found Equine Therapy to improve social functioning and reduce aggressive behaviour (Trzmiel et al. 2018).

Although limited, the research literature does appear to be positive. This makes me question;

Why are horses so effective in a therapeutic setting?

Similarly to dogs, horses are highly intuitive and have a unique historical relationship with humans. Horses are herd animals, which means they are relational and accustomed to social experiences (Lentini and Knox, 2009). Horses are also prey animals, therefore it is essential that they are attuned to their surroundings in order to survive. As a result, they can sense the internal states of people and they can react and respond in a direct and honest way to these states (Lentini and Knox, 2009). Have you ever seen a horse act in a negative way to an anxious rider? This is because they can feel the anxiety from the rider and therefore react to that anxiety and become anxious themselves. Furthermore, horses live in present moment. In a therapeutic setting this allows their reactions to the client to be based on the present state of the client and not based on judgments or on a client’s history. This also means that transference reactions can be addressed without some of the confounding interpersonal factors present in more traditional therapies.

Equine therapy is focused on connection ; to the self, the horse and to others. The therapist works with the client and the horse to build a strong relationship with the aim to get the horse to connect with the client. The client is then able to use the confidence gathered through this process and project it to their relationships with humans. The sheer size of the horse provides opportunities for clients to explore issues related to boundaries, vulnerability, control and power – all of which are essential when connecting with a 500kg animal!
Projection and transference can be experienced with horses (Klontz, Bivens, Leinart & Klontz, 2007), as patterns from human relationships can be seen in the relationship with the horse. In our taster session, a member of the group became frustrated that the horse was not doing as she wanted it to. Later, the individual acknowledged that she experiences this frustration in similar ways in relationships with people.
The relationship can be an avenue for modelling behaviours. A client can observe how their anxious behaviour affects the horse. This can then help them to understand how their behaviour can influence people around them.
Horses can provide feedback , feedback that is both accurate and unbiased, mirroring the physical and emotional states of the client. This provides clients the opportunity to raise their awareness and to practice congruence between their feelings and behaviours. The horse can sense incongruity and will appear confused until internal consistency is reached within the client.

Although the research is limited, there does appear to be a place for Equine Therapy. It has been successfully integrated into treatment programmes for adults, teens and children who are being treated for anxiety disorders, trauma, substance abuse , depression, autism, and related conditions. I for one will have it in mind for any clients in the future who I believe could benefit from an integrated approach to therapy that includes Equine Therapy.

To find out more about Equine Therapy in Singapore check out Cathy’s website at: www.livingstoncounselling.com

References:

Klontz, bivens, Leinart, klontz (2007). The effectiveness of equine-assisted experiential therapy: results of an open clinical trial.

Lentini, J., and Knox, M. (2009). A Qualitative and Quantitative Review of Equine Facilitated Psychotherapy (EFP) with Children and Adolescents. The Open Complementary Medicine Journal, 1, 51-57.

Trivedi, L., and Perl, J. (1995). Animal facilitated Counseling in the Elementary School: A Literature Review and Practical Considerations. Elementary School Guidance & Counseling, 29 (3), 223-233.

Trzmiel, T., Purandare, B., Michalak, M., Zasadzka, E. and Pawlaczyk, M. (2018). Equine assisted activities and therapies (EAAT) in children with ASD: a systematic review and a meta-analysis. Complementary Therapies in Medicine, 42, 104-113.

How to Support Your Wife During Your First Pregnancy Together

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:50:44 GMT

Get it right the first time, guys. It's actually more simple than you think to learn how to be a better husband and make your wife happy when she's pregnant for the first time.

You know how when you get sick, you really want to be nurtured, nourished and dare I say pampered by your partner?

In some cases, you might even wish your mother could stop over with a bowl of your favorite remedy soup.

That kind of love and care that nurses you back to health faster is the same kind of emotional and physical nurturing your wife craves from you during her pregnancy.

However, there's another layer that is bit more complex, and which may be completely oblivious to the naked eye.

She conceived this baby with you.

So while she may want a mother’s care, she really needs to know how much her partner loves her, and that he is willing to do what it takes to nourish her, both physically and emotionally.

She needs your reassurance that is she is completely safe.

Her body is changing daily, and this is alarming to her on multiple levels. She is literally carrying the responsibility of being the sole caretaker of the infant growing inside of her. She is entirely consumed and focused while falling in love with this child, all at the same time.

Consciously or subconsciously, she is measuring your love for her and your ability to care for her and your child during the single most vulnerable time she has yet to experience in her entire life.

To make it easier for you to navigate your daily interactions with your wife or partner from the time you both find out she is pregnant, imagine that she possesses a barometer set to measure your love for her. She keeps it with her at all times, and the temperature changes frequently.

Your goal is simply to do your best to keep her at a comfortable temperature.

After your baby is born, you will have a similar challenge and goal in caring for the little child being brought in your life, so why not practice now with the woman you love and who is carrying your child?

Here is where it gets complicated.

As you approach the special day when your child is due to enter your lives, you are, of course, allowed to feel a range of emotions such as nervousness, apprehension, and elation right alongside your wife.

But don’t forget that during the actual childbirth, she is the champion.

She needs your support. She's carrying the brunt of the trauma to her body and mind, so be there for her.

This also means you must also be ready for any last minute changes she requires.

Even if she spent the last two years talking about no option other than natural birth in a sacred pool of water, she is allowed to change her mind and ask to be given additional support or in some cases even taken to a hospital at the last moment.

Many guys, if put to the task of keeping a woman ‘focused’ through her birthing process with breath work and positive encouragement, take this as the ultimate command and serve out the role dutifully. These men will not be deterred from their assigned mission, and may take on the role of coach, trainer or choreographer as well. They may feel lead to take charge as if they are her bodyguard, even protecting her from nurses and doctors.

All of these intentions are noble, gallant and perhaps even adorable (as a memory many years later), but at that critical moment during labor when your wife's body is crying out for help, just listen to her words.

The piercing but distinguishable words that come out of her mouth between gasps and cries, the words that collide with your auditory sensors yet sound vaguely familiar, between her more primal sounds and curse words, these words are your instructions from her.

If your sensory neurons process, “Epidural NOW,” and you ignore her because pain medication wasn't in the plan, you will pay later — and probably with a marriage counselor present.

I’ve worked with couples who still struggle and seek help decades after the hurts that occurred during nine months of their first pregnancy.

Whether this man couldn’t be bothered to switch restaurant destinations when her cravings suddenly changed en route, or he missed more than one Lamaze class or he was traveling to an “important” business meeting in another country when he his wife's first labor pains appeared, these seemingly small slights to you can cause irreparable damage to your marriage.

Sadly, some couples even break up when the child is just an infant because they are still arguing over disasters which occurred during the pregnancy, birthing stages or labor day.

The nine months of pregnancy, your child's birth day, and the five to six months that follow are critical to your relationship's happiness.

It's also critical for the sake of your child's future to have two loving parents who work together, and hopefully raise this child in the security of a healthy home.

Remember that during her pregnancy, your partner is measuring your love and your ability to care for her and for your family. The results will have significant implications for everything that's next to come over the course of your relationship's future.

During pregnancy, stay focused and stay strong, but remember that she is in charge.

It’s her body, and she has the right to decide what she needs, especially in the critical moments.

Your children, and more importantly your wife, will thank you later in many wonderful and powerful ways.

If you find this article resonates with you or your partner and you would like to speak with someone, please do not hesitate to contact one of our therapists and make an appointment.

How to Survive Separation and Divorce

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:45:25 GMT

A great percentage of my work in marriage counselling is with women who are going through the early or late stages of separation from their long-time partner. Whether these women are Asian or Western, the predicament can be extremely challenging when they are trying to balance the practical side of surviving day-to-day with the emotional train wreck that surrounds them.

It's often the case that these women are just finding out that their husbands have had an affair. Others are finding out that their husbands have had multiple affairs over the entire marriage, and that his apparent detachment or withdrawal from emotional intimacy is because he actually doesn't know how to be intimate. Whether he is a sex addict or suffering from low self-esteem or attachment issues that disallow him to trust in intimate relationships, the problem is still mind-numbing for the spouse. Her first dilemma is to try and understand which part of her marriage was real. The second challenge is to decipher the new verbiage, to decide how much of it she can trust.

In the middle of this is the day-to-day (minute-to-minute) responsibility that comes with being a mother. In the scenarios described above, it's likely that she has been doing the bulk of the childrearing and household management and so she would feel the full weight of the burden of "What do I do next, for us all?"

If this is resonating with you, and you have family and friends within reach, you need to tap into them now.

If you don't have family and just a handful of new friends, find the balance between sharing and getting advice so as to not overburden your few resources. Getting counseling, legal advice and calling your family will help. Holding onto a brave front is a common response but it's not likely to be sustainable. If that's the plan, at least get the counselling and legal advice as well.

Think of yourself as the drill sergeant, whose task is to arm the new soldier (you) for their first battle. They are going to need physical stamina, strength, a cool head, wisdom and good backup support. At no point can their fear overtake them, so build their resources well.

When looking at maintaining physical stamina, sleeping and eating are usually the first things to suffer.

If you are not sleeping well, then try meditation, yoga, exercise, proper diet, and counseling to manage the racing thoughts. Make sure you are eating three healthy meals a day. If you are having loss of appetite, eat smaller portions throughout the day.

Keeping a cool head is helpful in the long run. There are plenty of books that will help a woman know that what she is feeling is normal. After the Affair by Janice Abrahms Spring is one. A cool head will make your partner realise they are dealing with a rational soldier and not an emotionally vulnerable new recruit who can easily be manipulated again. Many men will use the "hot-headed wife" response as an excuse to continue acting out or to justify their past actions. Having a third party present for the discussions can keep them "real" so that the old manipulative ways are not as easy to use any more and both parties can begin an honest dialogue.

Wisdom comes in two forms:

The first is having wisdom about the choices you have made. Yes you can have regrets and wonder why you accepted the unhealthy dynamic all these years but that is less important at these early stages of separation than making healthy decisions and setting new and solid boundaries.

The second and more immediate aspect of wisdom comes from getting informed on your emotional rights, for example, the right to self-respect, as well as your legal rights such as whether you can leave the country with your children. Knowing your rights will give you the chance to make a solid game plan and help you respond, rather than react.

Back up comes in the form of friends, mentors, family, therapy, meditation or exercising your spirituality. The backup helps you go through this process and more importantly usually allows you to process all of the confusing and ever changing thoughts and emotions, out loud.

The kind of questions I hear the most in my practice are as follows:

What am I supposed to do now? My friends are getting tired of my complaints and my lack of action in following their advice. It's like I'm frozen in time. This is the part where I mentioned to not wear out your resources. Share and listen but don't unload it all on your friends and family. Manage your anxiety , so you don't debilitate your resources. You need their support but in the end only you can make that final decision.

How do I handle my current co-parenting needs? And who is going to fix the light bulbs? Why do I miss him? This can be especially scary when this all came as a complete surprise. The person whom you have relied upon and once considered your best friend and partner has changed to such an extent that you feel you don't even know him anymore. Having a third party focusing the dialogue on honesty and openness and change is the most likely method of getting those necessary assurances and safety so that you can give a clear-headed response.

How do I forgive myself? What's wrong with me? Stuck in the regret of having made a bad decision. Disbelief/denial. These are actually stages of grieving. Regardless of what happens to the relationship, you will need to grieve the loss of your ideal of the marriage, life and man you once knew as it will never be the same as it was. This doesn't mean that a marriage cannot be rebuilt. In fact, rebuilding is part of a later stage of grieving, so let yourself grieve the losses first. While it may be many counsellors' philosophy to hold on to hope in a rebuilding of the relationship, as long as the client has hope, your focus should still be on your own stabilisation at this point.

What and when do I tell the kids? Children like to know what's going on. What to expect? I recommend telling them what to expect, with each major transition, i.e. Daddy's moving to another house. He will still be seeing you on Saturdays after soccer but he won't be home as much during school nights. When you know the relationship is over, it's best if you can both tell the child what to expect and assure them that the love for them has not changed. It is helpful to even create a calendar they can see and be consistent with it.

When do I begin looking for a new partner? Garth Brooks sang, "Learning to live again is killing me" and it's for this reason, that from a psychological and emotional perspective I always encourage my clients to hold off on rushing into something new until they have figured out what went wrong in the last relationship. Just because he left or betrayed you doesn't mean that there was not a breakdown in the dynamic between you both, which means you may have some issues to work through. This might be especially the case with women who are completely "surprised" by their husband's affair and when they felt they were "best friends and there was no chance of this happening". Then I have them question the real intimacy in that relationship. What was the intimacy based on? Were they talking openly and deeply? Were they still making love? Were they still aware of subtle changes in their partner's life? How did they miss all that? From that point on, their individual work is about grieving and looking inward for change.

Don't rush towards rebound. Take your time to get through the wreckage piece by piece. Give yourself time to accept and grieve. With each exhale you are moving closer to a new life and new possibilities.

Our therapists are available to help you should you need any advice or someone to talk to. Contact us to make an appointment.

The Importance of Fathers: Why You Should Be Involved

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:40:08 GMT

There is no shortage of statistics showing how important the role of father's is when it comes to raising happy and healthy children. But it seems that often, only mothers and their grown up kids are reading these articles. Dads! Wake Up! Read the good news about you.

In my counselling practice , I have been working with adults for years and with the passing years and my constant exploration with these adults, we invariably find ourselves sitting and talking to a child; their inner child, or we are revisiting the childhood in some way or another. It’s uncanny how many adults are stuck in some part of their childhood and when this happens, invariably a very influential parent is standing nearby in that scene or memory. They are there, either building up or tearing down the construct of self for that child. This can often get passed on in the form of an internal dialogue.

Internal dialogues can be positive or negative: judging, accessing, criticisms, encouragement, disapproval, rejecting and many more. They all have an impact.

This is why I am often finding myself going back to childhood with my clients. It's there, where they find many of the internal dialogues that are now dictating their actions.

In my couple's work , I often cite a well-known author John Gottman. He is world famous for his research on couples. However in recent months even Mr. Gottman and his wife are moving more towards work that is focused on parenting and the child experience. They have shifted because their own studies have highlighted the importance the parent's role plays in the child's healthy development and future relationships. Surprisingly their studies show that a father's role can be even more vital than at mothers in certain areas of development. No offense, Moms.

John and Julie Gottmans' studies have even gone so far as to shown that men and women are less likely to go to war when they have an involved father in their upbringing. "Fathers are probably the most important predictors of emotional development for sons and daughters," says Gottman, whose own research by the Bringing Baby Home program shows that when dads act as an emotion coach, by valuing and encouraging emotions, children are physically healthier, have fewer colds and illnesses, higher self-esteem and a strong sense of social connection. When dads communicate with their children about the emotions they are experiencing, behavioural problems decrease.

Since all emotions have a purpose, involved fathers attending to the emotions of their children, help the child to learn how to set boundaries to manage their experiences as well as how to respect the feelings of others which has shown to help increase mental, physical and social well-being.

Children with dads who are critical or dismissing of emotions are more likely to do poorly in school, fight more with friends and have poor health.

It's also known that children living in father absent homes are more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems, be suspended from school or drop out, be victims of child abuse or neglect, use drugs and commit suicide when in their teens. I even had a client recently say "No Dad is better than a bad Dad". I agree in part. Being critical and dismissive can cause more damage than not being there. But being present and positively participating, whether you have fathering skills or not, goes a long way to helping a child develop .

Parenting is an art like golf or speed texting on a BB while sipping a pint and negotiating mega deals. The craft can be honed only through more exposure to the experience. It can't just be learned from watching a movie. Although I do recommend It's a Wonderful Life and Pursuit of Happyness . Even golfers go to gurus to find out how to enter Zen on the 18th hole. So there is nothing wrong with seeking guidance from experts when it comes to the Do's and Don'ts in fathering.

Here are just a few to start with and you will probably recognize that many of them are common sense but rely on an intimate knowledge of the child in order to work. James Dobson in his book, How to Build Confidence In Your Child , writes, "The art of good parenting begins with the fundamental skill of seeing through the eyes of the child, of sharing the child's view of reality, feelings and hopes."

Here are some common sense Do's and Don'ts: Try to picture each scenario through the eyes of your child.

Don't ask a question, demand an answer then talk before they have a chance to respond.
"Should we have eggs for breakfast? I think it would be good for you. Let's have cereal for breakfast."
Don't attempt to scold them for one thing when you are angry about something else.
"It's your fault I missed my important phone call. If you hadn't asked me that question I would have been paying attention."
Don't miss their appeals for a connection or affection.
”Daddy, can I have a hug?” “Not right now. Daddy's reading.”
Don't curse in anger. It's just scary and they miss the point.
Self explanatory.
Don't look elsewhere when they are trying to speak to you.
"Daddy, I had a question." "Yes dear." "Daddy." "Yes" ". I had a question." Yes dear, go ahead." "Daddy, can you look at me for a minute?"
Do as you say and as you do.
"Daddy, you're here! " "I said I would make it for your school play. So I re-arranged my schedule."
Do spend time creating and playing with them.
"Let me show you a game I used to play with my father."
Do use empathetic listening with them; repeating what you understand about their expressed feelings.
"When you complained about Daddy's job does that mean you miss me and want me to come home earlier?"
Do ask open ended questions when wanting to understand them better.
"How did that make you feel when you heard Daddy shouting earlier?"
Do express love and affection.
"Can I have a hug? I missed you."

We are models to our children. They learn through our example. They watch how we cope with problems and handle depression and handle infractions with others.

In psychology this is known simply as modelling. Children are the products of their subjective life experiences and these are in no small part comprised of what they observe in their parents.

We all know the declaration of not wanting to turn out like our parents, only to do just that. This means that a boy will be learning how to treat women in relationships in part, by his observation of how his father treats his mother: the way you talk to her and address her concerns and show interest in her needs.

The same man's daughter is also learning what to expect in her own relationships with men in the future. If its dysfunctional there is a likelihood that she can grown familiar with this and even find the dysfunction more comfortable, since she has already learned from her mother, and father, how to navigate in that environment.

Pay attention to the modelling that you are doing in all aspects of your role as father. It's a privilege to be a father, and I assure you that the privilege will be all yours when you are watching your young ones walk gracefully and happily into their own adult lives.

How to Show Tender Love and Care (TLC) to Your Partner

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:35:13 GMT

TLC to most couples is mentioned casually in passing as a hint or gesture of something desired but not really expected in this fast paced cosmopolitan lifestyle. It hardly evokes the real response it was intended for and is so deeply needed in all relationships.

Some might not recognize it as an action word and think of only as a catchy acronym. But if you look, each of the letters in TLC represent an action.

Be Tender

Give Love

Act with Care

TLC can apply to every aspect of a relationship, not just the sexual dynamic. You can apply TLC to planning a holiday or doing your taxes together. It's starting point is an attitude towards loving your partner. For example "Acts of Service" should be sacrificial. While she might think you sweet for the flowers your bought on your way home from work, finding out they were next to the cashier in 7-11, when you were buying a newspaper, might make the gesture nosedive.

As a counsellor I was asked to offer some insight into TLC and rather than re-invent the wheel, I would like to just offer some points from the experts who have gone before me. These are excerpts from a book titled Ten Commandments for Every Aspect of Your Relationship Journey by Jeffrey Zeig and Tami Kulbatski.

“DAILY MAKE GESTURES OF APPRECIATION, ADMIRATION AND GRATITUDE.”

— DR. STAN TATKIN

“IF YOU WANT YOUR PARTNER LOVING, SEXY AND EXCITING, TREAT YOUR PARTNER AS LOVING, SEXY AND EXCITING.”

— DR. AYALA PINES

“PURSUE A MUTUALLY SATISFYING AGREEMENT ABOUT SEX.”

— DR. PAT LOVE

“PROMISE TO SUPPORT WHAT LIGHTS YOUR PARTNER UP, EVEN IF IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.”

— DR. LISA FIRESTONE

“GIVE YOUR PARTNER THE GIFT OF YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. FOR AT LEAST TEN MINUTES A DAY, WITHOUT THE DISTRACTION OF CHILDREN OR ELECTRONIC DEVICES, SPEND TIME RECONNECTING WITH ONE ANOTHER.”

— DR. TAMI KULBATSKI

“SAY I’M SORRY, WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE WRONG OR RESPONSIBLE FOR HARM.”

— DR. MICHAEL YAPKO AND DIANE YAPKO

“THE GOAL OF MARRIAGE IS TO MAKE ANOTHER HAPPY. TOO OFTEN WE FOCUS ON WHAT WE ARE GETTING AND NOT WHAT WE ARE GIVING.”

— DR. JON CARLSON

The above are self explanatory but if you want to go above and beyond these and don't know what TLC means to your partner... just ask them.

Our counselors are on hand to provide couples therapy and marriage counselling , and would love to help you and your partner through any issues or struggles you are dealing with. Feel free to contact us for an appointment.

Mindfulness in the CBD

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:26:16 GMT

Many people think of meditation as a way of emptying the mind of all the clutter from the week; the list of to do's that isn't getting smaller, the incessant phone calls and SMS that won't stop, the gnawing feeling that the work pile is getting higher and of course the vague awareness that we are living out of sync with our values, if we can even remember what they were.

So the thought of emptying one's mind can be quite alluring and it is, but what I bring to my practice is the philosophy and belief in an approach called mindfulness. Yes mindfulness can be used in context with meditation and is in fact type or approach to meditation. But more than that, it is an approach to daily living, loving and even managing conflict.

In my practice we are often discussing a mindful approach to anger management , work stress, addictions , anxiety, relationship conflict , navigating traffic during the commute and navigating trades during the day. Being mindful in the approach to these normal occurrences allows us to respond calmly and thoughtfully, rather than reacting with judgement and assumptions. This can be learned and honed just like any skill.

It starts with learning who we are so that we can learn Self Regulation and managing the states that direct our responses.

It starts with a process of breathing and I mean that literally, followed by a sense of grounding one's self in the reality of what is happening at that moment. It helps one to eradicate the judgements that would direct an "autopilot" response to a learned behavior/reaction.

If someone cuts you off on the CTE, on the way to work as they speed by and you feel that twinge of angst rising up through the nerves in your spine and shooting directly to your fingertips where you are now gripping the wheel with fury…you should respond by recognizing the conflict then take a long deep breath. Then remind yourself that he was not cutting you off. He doesn't even know you. He was cutting off your red Toyota and it looked like all the other cars he passed already. In fact who knows, maybe his wife has just gone into labor and he is racing to join her where she is waiting for him at the hospital or he is late for a meeting where he will land a deal that will change the fate for his entire family. Sure he shouldn't be speeding. But doesn't it change your state to realize these other possibilities? Suddenly you become aware of the calming effect in your state and how your grip on the steering wheel has relaxed and your breathing has resumed. You might even smile at the thought of your earlier response realizing how useless it was and that you are still safely on your way.

Self regulation of these states most often does not come naturally and it can be helpful to seek therapy for insight and perspective when dealing with life's challenges.

Until we meet, remember to breathe, ground and respond.

All of our therapists have the tools to help lead you into a more mindful way of living. We practice what we preach, and are therefore able to give you tips and tricks that help us to live a mindful life. Contact us now and arrange an appointment with one of our therapists to find out more.

How to Overcome Your Fear of Flying

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 01:24:01 GMT

The highlight of my day in my counseling work when clients leave my office with new impression and feel "free" from a previous mental block.

I get requests from executives who have been preforming at high levels for years but have been doing it with great anxiety , or I get children who live with constant fear of the dog next door, or young professionals who believe they "have to be perfect".

But one anxiety that comes up often this time of year is the dreadful fear of flying. There are many reasons someone might be afraid to fly but most often it is due to a previous incident or traumatic experience. Even being associated with someone who has had a traumatic flying experience can spark a fear, which can cripple a person's ability to fly comfortably. No one should have to suffer this kind of anxiety and discomfort. This is especially the case on these long flights home for the holidays, when all the children are also travelling and could use the adult support to comfort and calm.

I am happy to say I work with an amazing therapy tool called EMDR , which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. It's a short term treatment, usually 1-3 treatments, that can have a person performing at their best; fearless in previously fearful situation and yes, even flying comfortably.

One might avoid treatment for such a condition because of the belief that it could takes months of even years of intense psychotherapy to resolve. But the good news is it doesn't. EMDR is very non intrusive and can start even days before the flight. In fact it only brings up issues, which a person's own mind suggest are relevant. The eye movement aspect of the treatment triggers the processing of thoughts, feelings, and allows for a reprocessing of information, which is often adaptive and helpful in forming a new impression. There is no trance in EMDR and it is not hypnotherapy. The goal in EMDR is not to just feel less anxious. It is to be free of the previous anxiety or fear. What could be better than to be able to enthusiastically book those flights home for the holiday?

I'm available to answer any questions on this treatment or others offered in our counseling practice and look forward to helping. You deserve to have Happy Holidays!

If you are interested in EMDR therapy and would like to learn more, please contact us to make an appointment.