Counselling Blog

Stress is our body’s adaptive response to the regular occurrences that happen in our daily lives. Stress can have a positive influence when it helps to motivate us. However chronic stress can be destructive and negatively impacts all aspects of our well-being. We are living in a culture that makes us believe that stress is inevitable for a woman, that it is a normal way of life, but that is terribly dangerous. Women today are plagued by the pressure to be the best at everything – career woman, wife, mother, to have the best body, and and and…. Although psychological and cultural factors often also dictate expectations that lead to women wearing many different hats and fulfilling many different roles at once, neuroanatomy may play a role as well - if we look at the way our brain is wired. Male and female brains are generally very different in how they work. Typically, a woman’s brain differs to a man’s in structure, thinking, processing of emotions and chemical make-up. Men tend to think with their grey matter – the information processing centres of the brain, whereas women tend to think with the white matter, which is more the “wiring” between the centres (connections between the neurons). This may also explain why men tend to operate in more unidimensional, focused ways, whilst women are multidimensional and concerned about many different elements and how all those elements impact each other at once. Women also tend to have a reputation for being “worriers” and are prone to experiencing more stress. This may be influenced by a few different factors. Firstly, oxytocin levels being higher in a female's brain, allowing her to be more aware of and concerned about others’ pain, think more quickly and exhibit more immediate, empathic responses to others. Secondly, in women, the hippocampus, which is the brain’s memory centre that turns short-term memories into long-term ones, tends to be larger than in men. This accounts for why women often have a better memory for details, both pleasant and unpleasant, and it makes it hard for them to forget. Thirdly, not only does a woman's body produce more stress hormones than a man’s, but once a stressful event is over, women's bodies also take longer to stop producing the hormones. This may be a cause or an effect of women's tendency to replay stressful events in their minds and to dwell on upsetting situations – hence the impact of stress on women may be protracted and more intense. Other differences in the chemical composition of the brain, are demonstrated in that women may produce less serotonin and have fewer transporters to recycle it. As such when faced with ongoing psychosocial stressors, women can be more susceptible to emotional challenges such as depression and anxiety. In addition, the fluctuating hormones during a women’s monthly cycle also impact brain chemicals. Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone have a significant impact on neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine and GABA. Hence when there is a fluctuation in these hormones during the month, neurotransmitter levels in the brain fluctuate accordingly and mood, energy, optimal cognitive thinking, maintaining calm, good sleep etc which are important for dealing with stress and challenges, are compromised. Stress responses are also more likely to cause physical symptoms(imbalances in hormonal and digestive systems for e.g.) in women than in men. The amygdala which processes emotions like fear and pain communicates with organs that take in and process visual information in men. Whereas in women the amygdala communicates with parts of the brain that regulate hormones and digestion. Stress symptoms in women can range from headaches, IBS, joint pain, foggy brain, mood swings, difficulty sleeping to apathy and withdrawal – the list is long and varies for each woman. However often we are so busy juggling all the various expectation that we do not pause enough to consider how stress might be impacting us. The scary reality is that women’s health is on the decline, and we are now more prone to previously more typically “male” diseases such as heart attack, high cholesterol etc. than breast cancer for example. Women can manage stress more effectively by pausing to examine how stress might be manifesting itself in their lives physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually and at work. Once you take notice of the impact, making an individual wellness plan that can help you to create effective, supportive strategies appropriate to your lifestyle is an important next step. To find out more about personalised functional medicine health coaching you can get in touch with Claudette here

In the realm of professional achievement, women have made significant strides in breaking through the glass ceiling and ascending to leadership roles. Women already face significant challenges in rising to leadership roles, compounded by systemic factors such as gender bias, lack of representation, and stereotypes. These barriers are exacerbated by the prevalence of imposter syndrome, which becomes a damaging self-sabotaging barrier. This pervasive and insidious psychological phenomenon, characterised by feelings of self-doubt and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud, can hinder women's confidence, and impede their career advancement. In this article, we delve into the complexities of imposter syndrome, its impact on professional women, and strategies to overcome it. Imposter syndrome, first identified by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1978, is a psychological pattern whereby individuals doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud despite external evidence of competence. Research suggests that imposter syndrome disproportionately affects women, particularly in male-dominated industries and leadership positions. Imposter syndrome displays as a chronic sense of inadequacy despite evidence of competence and success. This phenomenon can manifest in various ways, including feelings of fraudulence, downplaying capabilities and attributing success to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities, and avoiding opportunities for fear of failure or being discovered as an imposter. Imposter syndrome can have profound implications for professional women, hindering their career progression and overall well-being. Women experiencing imposter syndrome may exhibit diminished confidence, experience a perpetuating cycle of self-doubt, refrain from asserting themselves, and develop heightened stress and anxiety in the workplace. Furthermore, imposter syndrome contributes to the perpetuation of gender disparities in leadership and organisational representation, as women may self-select out of opportunities for advancement and leadership roles due to feelings of inadequacy. Strategies for Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Women must identify and challenge the inner critic that fuels imposter syndrome. Developing self-awareness and reframing negative thoughts can help counteract feelings of inadequacy. · Identifying Negative Thought Patterns: The first step in cognitive restructuring is to develop self-awareness by identifying the specific negative thoughts and beliefs associated with imposter syndrome. This may involve paying attention to recurring self-critical thoughts such as "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve this success," or "I'm a fraud." · Examining Evidence: Once negative thought patterns are identified, the next step is to critically examine the evidence supporting these beliefs. Women experiencing imposter syndrome are encouraged to challenge the accuracy and validity of their negative self-assessments. They may ask themselves questions such as, "What evidence supports this belief?" or "Is there evidence that contradicts this belief?" · Generating Alternative Perspectives: Cognitive restructuring involves generating alternative, more balanced perspectives, or interpretations of situations. Women are encouraged to consider alternative explanations for their achievements and successes, recognizing their skills, efforts, and contributions. This process helps to counteract the tendency to attribute success to luck or external factors rather than personal competence. · Replacing Irrational Thoughts: After challenging negative beliefs and generating alternative perspectives, women can actively replace irrational thoughts with more realistic and positive ones. This may involve developing affirmations or positive self-statements that affirm their abilities and accomplishments. For example, replacing "I'm a fraud" with "I have worked hard to achieve my success and deserve recognition for my accomplishments" can help shift the focus from self-doubt to self-affirmation. · Practice and Repetition: Cognitive restructuring is a skill that requires practice and repetition. Women experiencing imposter syndrome may benefit from regularly practicing cognitive restructuring techniques, particularly in situations that trigger feelings of self-doubt or inadequacy. Over time, challenging negative thought patterns and replacing them with more adaptive beliefs can lead to lasting changes in self-perception and confidence. Celebrate Achievements To counter imposter syndrome, it is crucial for women to actively celebrate their achievements and recognise their contributions. Rather than attributing success solely to luck or external factors, women should acknowledge their role in their accomplishments and take pride in their abilities. One effective strategy is to keep a journal of achievements, where women can document their successes, big or small, along with the efforts and skills that contributed to them. This journal serves as a tangible reminder of competence, allowing women to reflect on their capabilities during moments of self-doubt. Moreover, celebrating achievements fosters a sense of accomplishment and reinforces positive self-perception, helping to counteract the negative beliefs perpetuated by imposter syndrome. By consciously acknowledging and celebrating their successes, women can cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence, ultimately empowering them to overcome imposter syndrome and thrive in their professional endeavours. Cultivate a Supportive Network Building a supportive network of mentors, peers, and allies is an invaluable strategy for countering imposter syndrome among professional women. By surrounding themselves with individuals who provide validation and perspective, women can combat the feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy that often accompany imposter syndrome. Mentors, in particular, offer guidance, wisdom, and encouragement based on their own experiences navigating similar challenges in their careers. They can provide valuable insights and advice, helping women to gain clarity and confidence in their abilities. Peers who understand and empathise with imposter syndrome can offer reassurance and solidarity, creating a sense of belonging and normalising the experiences of self-doubt. Allies within the workplace can advocate for women's achievements and contributions, affirming their value and potential. By connecting with supportive individuals who understand the nuances of imposter syndrome, women can receive the encouragement and validation they need to overcome self-limiting beliefs and realise their full potential. This network not only provides emotional support but also offers practical guidance and perspective, empowering women to navigate challenges with resilience and confidence. Embrace a Growth Mindset Adopting a growth mindset is a powerful approach for countering imposter syndrome among professional women. At its core, a growth mindset entails believing that abilities and intelligence can be developed through dedication and hard work, rather than being fixed traits. By embracing this perspective, women can reframe challenges as opportunities for learning and personal growth, rather than insurmountable obstacles. Instead of interpreting setbacks as evidence of incompetence or failure, women with a growth mindset view them as natural parts of the learning process and opportunities to refine their skills and strategies. Central to adopting a growth mindset is the recognition that mastery and resilience are cultivated through perseverance and resilience in the face of adversity. Women are encouraged to embrace setbacks as valuable learning experiences that contribute to their overall development and success. Each challenge becomes an opportunity to stretch beyond one's comfort zone, acquire new knowledge, and build resilience in the face of obstacles. Furthermore, women can cultivate a growth mindset by reframing their interpretation of feedback and criticism. Rather than viewing feedback as a reflection of personal inadequacy, they can see it as constructive input for improvement and development. This mindset shift enables women to approach feedback with openness and curiosity, leveraging it as a tool for growth rather than a source of validation or judgment. Skill Development and Mastery Skill development and mastery play a crucial role in bolstering the confidence and competence of professional women, thereby mitigating feelings of imposter syndrome. Actively seeking opportunities for skill enhancement and mastery allows women to not only broaden their knowledge base but also refine their existing skill set, ultimately leading to improved performance and validation of their capabilities. Engaging in skill development initiatives empowers women to validate their competence through tangible achievements and accomplishments. By actively pursuing opportunities for learning and growth, women can expand their repertoire of skills and knowledge, equipping themselves with the tools necessary to excel in their respective fields. This proactive approach not only enhances their professional competence but also instils a sense of empowerment and self-assurance. As women acquire new skills and deepen their expertise, they gain a greater sense of mastery over their roles and responsibilities, thereby reducing feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt associated with imposter syndrome. Furthermore, skill development serves as a tangible form of validation, providing concrete evidence of women's abilities and contributions in the workplace. As women achieve proficiency in new areas or master challenging tasks, they receive external recognition and feedback that reinforces their sense of competence and diminishes imposter feelings. Moreover, honing existing skills allows women to showcase their expertise and make meaningful contributions to their organisations, further solidifying their confidence and sense of belonging. Seek Professional Help Psychotherapy and counselling offer tailored interventions to counter imposter syndrome, providing a structured framework for addressing underlying beliefs and behaviours contributing to feelings of inadequacy. Unlike self-help strategies, psychotherapy involves working with a trained therapist who can offer personalised guidance and support based on the individual's unique experiences and needs. Through psychotherapy, individuals can explore the root causes of their imposter syndrome, such as childhood experiences, societal pressures, or internalized beliefs, and develop coping strategies to challenge negative thought patterns and build self-confidence. Counselling, on the other hand, typically focuses on providing support and guidance through talk therapy sessions, offering a safe space for individuals to express their thoughts and emotions surrounding imposter syndrome and receive validation and encouragement. By addressing imposter syndrome in a therapeutic setting, individuals can gain insight into their self-perceptions and learn effective strategies for managing and overcoming feelings of inadequacy, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness, resilience, and personal growth. In addition to psychotherapy and counselling, coaching is another valuable approach for addressing imposter syndrome and fostering personal growth. Coaching differs from therapy in that it typically focuses on goal-setting, skill development, and performance enhancement rather than delving into deep-rooted psychological issues. A coach works collaboratively with the individual to identify specific goals related to overcoming imposter syndrome and develops actionable strategies to achieve them. Through coaching, individuals with imposter syndrome can receive targeted support and guidance to build confidence, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and develop effective coping mechanisms. Coaches provide accountability, encouragement, and feedback, empowering individuals to take proactive steps towards overcoming imposter syndrome and achieving their professional goals. Coaching sessions often involve techniques such as visualization, goal-setting, and cognitive-behavioural strategies tailored to the individual's unique needs and challenges. Coaches help individuals identify their strengths, recognise their achievements, and reframe negative thinking patterns that contribute to imposter syndrome. By providing a supportive and non-judgmental environment, coaches help individuals navigate through self-doubt and build resilience, ultimately empowering them to thrive in their careers and personal lives. Imposter syndrome poses a significant barrier to the advancement and fulfillment of professional women. By understanding its manifestations and implementing strategies to overcome it, women can shatter the glass ceiling and thrive in their careers. Through self-awareness, support networks, and a commitment to personal growth, women can confront imposter syndrome head-on and realise their full potential. It's time to break free from the shackles of self-doubt and embrace the limitless possibilities that await beyond the glass ceiling.

Mental wellbeing includes our outlook, the quality of our relationships, how we feel and our ability to manage our feelings as well as how well we are coping with the challenges of our life. Being mentally healthy does not mean that you’re always happy or that challenges don’t affect you. However sound mental health does increase one’s capacity to deal with challenges and bounce back from them. Your mental health is not something to only pay attention to when you are struggling but in fact should be a regular investment.  Here are some simple yet effective everyday activities that contribute to improved mental wellbeing, and if you’re having a particularly challenging day why not try one that you have not done before.

It’s a universally known adage that relationships are hard work, conflicts are normal and rough patches are par for the course. While it is true every relationship goes through highs and lows, these platitudes can cause one to turn a blind eye to red flags in their love life, particularly those indicative of a toxic relationship. In recent years, I often encounter clients who, despite feeling anguished, lonely, undervalued in their relationships, choose to stay with their abusive or neglectful partner. Many have also turned away from unwavering support and well-intended advice from caring friends and family who tell them that they deserve better and that they should just get out of the relationship. It is however easier said than done for those who find themselves caught in such a dilemma. What does a toxic relationship look like? Being in a toxic relationship is sometimes hard to recognise since the abuse can be slow and subtle in nature (King, 2018). It is never about an isolated episode, but the cumulative effect of persistent criticism, contempt, intimidation, manipulation and other forms of abuse. Such relationships are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically damaging and draining. Those in a toxic relationship tend to find themselves constantly walking on eggshells for fear of triggering their partner, making excuses to justify the abusive partner’s behaviours, frequently taking the fall or apologising for things that are not their fault, withdrawing socially and so on. Such relationship stress often gives rise to chronic feelings such as a sense of inadequacy, low self-esteem and worth, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, helplessness. So why is it that such pain, exhaustion, frustration and anguish are not enough to make one decide to cut the cord and move on? What is it about toxic relationships that makes them difficult, or even seemingly impossible to end? Apart from the obvious practical reasons such as financial and/or parenting considerations, there are also some deeper psychological factors that explain why leaving is easier said than done. 1. Low self esteem Research has shown that people with low self-esteem are more susceptible to toxic relationships because of their core beliefs and perception about themselves. If one believes that they are not good or worthy enough, they are more likely to have lower expectations and tend to get involved with a partner who perpetuates their beliefs. In fact, those who have low self-worth are more likely to stay in a toxic relationship because they believe that they cannot do any better (Luciano & Orth, 2017). They also tend to display more people-pleasing tendencies and are more hesitant to stand up for themselves or set boundaries when they are treated badly. It is also important to note that the more they stay in a toxic relationship, the further their self-esteem erodes, creating a vicious cycle, making it increasingly difficult to leave. 2. Addicted to the lure of intermittent reinforcement In a toxic relationship, the abused is regularly subjected to consistent bouts of cruel, callous, and abusive treatment with a few occasional and unpredictable displays of extreme affection and rewards. These are known as intermittent reinforcement tactics that the abusive partner uses to manipulate or control, and can include sending apology notes and flowers after a silent treatment or giving extravagant gifts with promises to change after a series of brutal verbal attacks. Intermittent reinforcement tactics keep people stuck and unable to break free because they are linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with addiction (Carnes & Phillips, 2019). Research has shown that unpredictable relationships are particularly dopamine-inducing. Intermittent reinforcement used the abusive partner feeds into our dopamine system because dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule, rather than predictably. Their abusive partner’s unreliability and inconsistency make them crave for the rewards, often doing everything they can to get it in order to get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle. When one is living the abuse cycle, it is exceptionally hard to break out of it. People often fall into the trap of seeing the abuser’s sporadic acts of empathy and affection as positive traits, causing them to find excuses to justify the partner’s abuse or neglect. They also derive hope from these random “positive” acts, believing that their relationships will get better, and they get sucked back in until another cycle of abuse hits again. 3. Fear of being single The fear of being single is another factor that makes one rather tolerate or stay in a toxic relationship than to be single. Researchers (Spielmann et al., 2013) discovered that during relationship initiation and maintenance, those who have anxieties about being single may prioritize relationship status above relationship quality, settling for less and remaining in relationships that are less satisfying. In fact, the fear of being single can be so overwhelming that one would rather be with a “wrong somebody” than be with nobody. 4.Sunk Cost effect Another reason that makes it compelling for people to stay in unhappy relationships is the sunk cost fallacy. Studies have shown that people are more likely to stay in a relationship in which they have invested time, money and effort. This underlines the sunk cost effect which “occurs when a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite it not being the best decision." (Rego et al., 2018). This suggests that people stay in unsatisfying relationships despite all their pain and suffering because they don’t want to feel their effort, time or money go to waste. 5. Pro-sociality inclination The decision to end a romantic relationship, even an unhealthy one, can have a life-changing impact on the partner as well as the self. Recent research has shed light on how altruism is one of the considerations that can hamper one’s decision to leave their abusive partner. In other words, when people make decisions that impact others, they take those others’ feelings and perspectives into consideration. The research by Impett & Spielmann (2018) which studied 1,800 people showed that when one is deciding whether to end a relationship or not, they consider not only their own desires, but also how much they think their partner wants and needs the relationship to continue. In fact, the more dependent people believed their partner was on the relationship, the less likely they were to initiate their breakup. This offers an explanation as to why it is not as straightforward to end the toxic relationship as much as they know it is the right thing to do. What can be done? The recognition and acknowledgement of a toxic relationship and the reasons that keep one stuck in it is just the first step to finding a resolution to the predicament. Aptly put by Carolyn Gamble, motivational speaker and expert on toxic relationships, “Love should never cost you your peace, It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness. If there’s more negative in your situation than positive, something has to change.” Thankfully, taking action does not have to be a solo task. The next step could involve seeking help from relationship-trained therapists to help one explore their innermost fears and ambivalence; open their mind to new perspectives, enable them to regain self esteem and empower them to access choices as well as to make decisions that are aligned with their life values. References Carnes, P., & Phillips, B. (2019). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications. Joel, S., Impett, E. A., Spielmann, S. S., & MacDonald, G. (2018). How interdependent are stay/leave decisions? On staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(5), 805–824. King, J. (2018). Too Good to go, Too Bad to Stay: Five Steps to Finding Freedom From a Toxic Relationship. Morgan James Publishing. Luciano, E. C., & Orth, U. (2017). Transitions in romantic relationships and development of self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112,307-328 Rego, S., Arantes, J. & Magalhães, P. (2018) Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Curr Psychol 37, 508–519 Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073.

Valentine’s Day can be a great moment to celebrate romantic love, but it can also bring up feelings of loneliness for those of us who do not have a partner to spend this holiday with. It is completely understandable that we might feel this way, but it does not mean that there is nothing we can do to feel better. Here are some tips on how to cope with these feelings of loneliness: 1. Shift your focus Yes Valentine’s Day is centered around romantic partners, but this does not dictate who we focus our attention on. Allowing ourselves to remember that we have people in our lives who love us and whom we love (such as family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.), is a simple way to recognize that there is more love in our lives than we realize. If you think about it, these people are equally as significant in our lives as any romantic partner, and Valentine's Day can be the occasion to let them know. Perhaps, we could reach out to them and organize a get together to show each other the love and appreciation we might not get to express all of the time. 2. Don’t forget you can love yourself too! While it is nice to spend Valentine’s Day with a significant other and feel their love, let’s not forget that we can be our own primary source of love. There is a quote by Samantha Jones in Sex and the City which summarizes this accurately: “I love you... but I love me more. I've been in a relationship with myself for 49 years and that's the one I need to work on”. What Samantha’s character is telling us is that romantic partners are important, but the love and appreciation we can show ourselves are the core of our wellbeing. At the end of the day, we are the only ones who know exactly what we need and we want to be loved! 3. Take social media with a pinch of salt In the social media era, it might seem like everyone around us is in a happy relationship and is having a fantastic Valentine’s Day, but that is simply not the case. Remember that people only tend to share their happy moments on social media, no one wants to publicize feeling lonely and sad. Therefore we might be seeing a lot of posts of people enjoying their Valentine’s Day, but what we are not seeing are all the people who are not having a great day. This influx of flawed data fuels our feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. But, luckily, we can choose not to establish our personal narrative on biased information: if you notice that engaging on social media is causing you distress on this specific day, take a break from social media and be present in your three-dimensional life. 4. Spread your love Once we have established that we are loved and that there might be other people out there who are feeling as lonely as us today, why not go out of our way to make someone else feel loved? It can be someone in our lives or even a stranger: doing something thoughtful for another individual will surely brighten their day and will likely leave us feeling much better as a result. Any act of kindness will do: from holding the elevator door for someone, to giving a support call to someone who is struggling, to spending our evening volunteering for someone in need. What will make a difference will be the sense of belonging and community we’ll receive from the act itself. 5. Remember, Valentine’s Day is just another day Lastly, while there is so much fuzz around Valentine’s Day, let’s remember that this day is really just a day like any other, it is a social construct. As such, it only holds as much value as we assign to it, therefore it cannot have power over us if we do not allow it to. Getting Help If you're struggling with severe feelings of loneliness during this time, please reach out to our team of therapists , we are ready to support you.

While Christmas is often termed “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, it can be a season of distress for many. Here are 10 tips to help you navigate less than ideal relationships with immediate, extended or in-law family.

Life as an expat in Singapore comes with privilege and pressure. If mental health depends on the balance between our challenges and resources, then making a life away from home can upset this balance. Research suggests that, on average, expats struggle more with mental health than their domestic peers.

With a good chunk of last year on circuit breaker and with the sense of possible lockdown on the horizon, we wanted to offer some glimmer of hope for those who are traditionally dealing with the anxiety provoking times like now by turning to alcohol as a form of escape.

The youth of today can be an enigma, especially to the parents who feel they should understand them the most. In my years of experience working with students, the very first thing I observe, is how responsive they are when they sense someone is listening to them with their fullest attention, being present with them without any feeling of being judged.